Conversations: Book 1
by The Epic Elven Twins
Summary: After several adventures both in Middle-earth and in America, Raina and Tira are faced with the biggest one of all: figuring out why the twins are as they are, and what they can do about it. Book 1 of the Conversations Duet.
1. 1 Raina

_This marks the 3rd story written for The Insanity Collection. It was begun after MC Insanity Meets Middle-Earth, during Middle-Earth Meets America. Its time-frame is that of post-MEMA, for all it was begun during the writing of. __We plan to post TIC in the order we want them read, not their chronological order. We look forward to discussing any part of this story with you, so please review. Thanks for reading!_

_-The Epic Elven Twins_

* * *

><p>Conversations<p>

Chapter 1 - Raina

"Hey, sorry again about your arm." Elladan slid into the chair beside me as I swivelled my own to face him.

I smiled at him in greeting and acknowledgement of his apology. We'd already hashed this out yesterday. Although at first I had been a little put out that he hadn't seemed to show much concern when I had mentioned it to him in a note I had sent him via Tira, especially since I suspected the injury was his fault (tussling with elves, black belt or no, doesn't always turn out so good for you, by the by), I had already forgiven him for that. Besides, more than anything, I had been cracking a joke about being upset about it.

No, we were cool. But his concern was touching, and rather cute.

"How is it today?" he asked, reaching out to lightly touch my left bicep, fingers barely brushing against my skin.

Incongruously, I wondered if his fingers tingled at the contact the way my arm did, the way his touch, even as slight as this one, made me tingly _and_ warm.

I shrugged, answering his question. "Much better." The swelling had, after all, begun to recede, though it remained tender to the touch and I was thankful for the careful way he'd brushed his fingers over it. I felt a cooling sensation fizzle through the internal bruising, and I was startled as I realised he was doing that elven thing, which I'd felt a long time ago, but it caught me off guard to feel it again.

He grinned, and I knew he caught my startle, but he didn't comment on it. Instead, he leaned in closer and my breath hitched slightly, as it had always done with his proximity, with the _knowing_ of what was coming. His lips brushed my cheek and I closed my eyes, enjoying the frisson that went all over me.

"I'm glad to hear it," he whispered, then pulled back. I opened my eyes to see his smile, see satisfaction or contentment, couldn't tell which, on his face, and I abstractedly wondered, again, if I made him feel the way he made me feel, like I had touched a plasma ball at the museum and my skin was humming with a soft buzz.

But I had other things I had been wondering, and figured that was more important than hearing about how I made him feel. In some ways, I suppose my question _did_ still pertain to how I make him feel, though, so I guess it's a moot point.

"Elladan," I began, slowly. I was unsure of myself, and I didn't want to tread into unwelcome territory, but I had to know. "When you were helping Tira write _Until I Fall Away_, um…" He was watching me, unreadable, and I tried to stamp out that hesitation which seemed as much a part of me as the freckles on my face and arms and my lack of height. "Why is it…things went…the way they did?" I had to just force myself to get it out.

Confusion marked his brow, and I felt frustrated. The want-to-scream kind of frustration that you never really indulge, because it's kind of not relevant. What was relevant, though, is that I wasn't making sense, apparently, which tended to happen. I've never been overly good at easily explaining what I mean when talking. Usually, writing it down is best, mostly when it's about others. I don't ever express myself very well at all, do I? I really must work on that one…

"I mean," I scrambled for a better way of phrasing it. "Did you…well, do you…" Apparently that one wasn't working out so well either. And I didn't want to say the _wrong_ thing. "Did things go the way they did because…I dunno…because of feelings? You know…with…well…" What was I even asking? I wasn't asking if he was in love with a fictional character Tira had made up. I was…

Huh. _Was I enough for him?_ Perhaps that's what I was really asking.

Understanding dawned across his face. "Do you mean, did the marriage _in the story_," he emphasized, and I wondered if he had read me far more easily than I could him, "happen because of any…personal feelings on my part?"

"Well…I…" I looked down, trying to figure out how to voice what I meant. "I'm not asking if you're in love with a fictional character. Not that, you know, I'd think you were crazy for something like that," I shot him a grin, "but we definitely know that girl's not real, because she came from Tira's mind."

Because, after all, at one point I thought he too was fictional, springing forth into life between the pages of a wonderful fantasy series from the mind of a literary genius, the late J.R.R. Tolkien. But Antiel, Tira's main heroine in her story, was definitely made up.

"Are you asking if I am…discontent?" He pressed, and I wondered if I was just imagining the silently tacked on _with you_ after that last word. "You think I am…unhappy?"

I shifted, looking down again. Well, that was what I was asking, wasn't it? I didn't think myself the overly jealous type, but I suppose I may hold some desires to jealously have and keep all of Elladan's feelings. Was this insecurity, some kind of wanting to know that he didn't find me a dull pursuit?

Truly, I wanted to know how Elladan felt and where I stood. "I don't _think_ you are, I want to know _if_ you are."

Rather than answering right away, he leaned back in, and this time his lips brushed mine. His fingers stroked my right cheek, leaving a pleasant warmth in me, and as always, I wanted to melt at that touch. He pulled back enough to look at me, his fingers stroking a loose lock of hair, and I loved the feeling of someone playing with my hair. I couldn't find myself minding any of it, despite the context of our conversation.

"No." He finally said, eyes glittering as he looked at me. "I am happy, here, with you." He closed his eyes and leaned his head against mine, and for a few moments I let him.

I was heartened at his answer, but I still had questions. So I finally pulled back and asked, "Then where…where do these ideas come from?" And I was suddenly thinking of more than just a marriage in _Until I Fall Away_, or even just _that_ story.

He tilted his head and watched me for a moment. Then he sat back, still watching me. Finally he said, "I believe you and your friends call them plot-bunnies."

I smiled briefly, but turned serious. Glancing away, I slowly replied, "Yes, but…storylines, the ideas, the…the plot-bunnies, as you put it, usually have their basis in some level of thoughts and feelings. Works like that are generally an expression of a deeper mental and emotional state."

He leaned forward and looked at me very seriously, almost imploring. "You do know you are the only one I care for in such a way, right?"

I let my gaze meet his, seeing the sincerity in his eyes, a look I had never had anyone else give me, never had anyone else be so honest and desperate for me to know it was genuine. I smiled, partially sad at the thought as it occurred to me. "Yes," I answered. "Yes, I know. I just… I don't know." I shrugged helplessly. "Why not someone else though? I mean, after all, it could've been Elrohir, right? If we're talking falling in love," which I had more I wanted to talk about than that reference to the stories he's been helping write, "why not Elrohir?"

He quirked a brow. "Maybe because of all the things that happen in _A Test of Faith_? After all, how often do you girls endear yourselves to us as writers of stories containing our fictional characters? There's no telling what dastardly deeds you'll think up for those characters."

I sat back, thinking. _A Test of Faith_ was a rather dark fanfiction story I was slowly chipping away at. I had told no one all of that which is going to happen in that story, but I had told most to the twins—Legolas and Aragorn were in the dark, even Trelan was too, and Tira only has the beginning and I'm not going to tell her everything that's coming, either.

Well, I guess Elladan has an excellent point there, judging by the plans I had for that story. I'm not surprised they don't really trust their fictional selves to us. We've been known to write some rather sinister things. What, does Elrohir think Tira would write some nefarious thing happening to that reflection of him if he were the one in love in those stories?

Okay, so she probably would…but that's beside the point. We _were_ angst, torture fic writers. But that's _not_ the point.

"You know, Elrohir still isn't happy with you about that. He doesn't want you to go through with writing all…that you plan on writing."

I glanced over at him. "I know he is." I sighed. "But I've been working on that story much longer than the time you've all been back," I pointed out, "and it _is_ a nice tale in the end, I swear it. Maybe somewhat bittersweet, but still."

"Ah. So you don't enjoy writing the tale?" He asked softly.

"I don't _care_ for dark aspects in it, but it's…it's the story." I tried to explain, but felt I was butchering things again. "It just…you have to go through all that dark to get to the light. That's the point. It's…_A Test of Faith_."

"It's the way the story goes?" he asked casually, and I wondered what he was getting at.

"Yes."

"Ah." He nodded, looking self-satisfied. "So you admit it yourself."

"I what?" I frowned at him, nonplussed.

Elladan grinned. "Despite whatever aspects you personally disagree with, you still have to write those parts, because in the end, the tale as a whole should be told. And those parts are integral."

Well, those weren't my words…for one thing, they certainly summed up my fumbling explanation a lot better than I ever could.

And I understood what else he was getting at behind it, still trying to reassure me concerning the question I had posed earlier.

"Lucky for you then," I began facetiously, leaning into him, "I am so understanding." I placed a quick peck to his lips, intending to pull right back, but I found his hand slipping around the back of my neck, keeping me close.

"Yes, I do realise how lucky I am," he whispered cryptically as he pulled me back closer to him to place several heartfelt kisses to my lips.

Again, I wanted to melt into his embrace, to focus on only that. The way my heart raced at how it felt, him kissing me, the way his lips felt and mine felt, the warm fuzzlies that fizzed in my belly.

I wanted to just relax and forget about everything, curl up in his arms and _cuddle_. Like I had last night. We'd spent the better part of the evening on the living room couch, doing nothing else but holding each other and sharing the occasional chaste kiss and, at least on my part, listening to him breathe and feeling his heart beat beneath my fingers as I rested my hand on his chest. And it'd been wonderful, let me say.

But I had several things left I wanted to discuss with him, and I wasn't sure how long I'd have with him before he went off to help one of the other Silithluin Gwathil with something. Despite how much I wanted to put it off, because I was unsure how he would react when I finally do pose the question, it was a particularly urgent matter, and I had put it off for days already. It was a matter of his behaviour in the writing he's been helping Tira with, because he seems hell-bent on imposing as much suffering on his fictional self as he possibly can.

It just…Tira was getting worried. Said something didn't feel quite right. I was getting concerned, too.

"Dan, don't," I told him, turning my face away and pulling back, away from his touch.

As I did, he groaned, "You're not still mad, are you?"

I thought I'd told him I _wasn't_ mad… "No, I'm not, but…we need to talk."

With a sigh, he sat back in his chair and lightly folded his arms, scrutinizing me. "About what?"

I hesitated, watching him and chewing my bottom lip. I considered how to bring this up, how to get to my point. I didn't know what I was dealing with, and I wondered what I was about to get myself into. "About…_As Long As It Matters_." That would be the most recent story in Tira's Lost Horizons series that they were working on.

"What about it?" he asked indifferently.

I sighed, wondering if he was purposefully acting unaware. He wasn't making this easy for me. It hurt just to think about it, whatever it might be that was driving him to these outlets. I could only hope that somehow I'd be able to get him to tell me _why_. "Well, Elladan, Tira tells me about what you write," I began.

Elladan's gaze darkened, probably postulating where I was going with this, knowing me well enough to make an educated guess, I assume.

"Where do…these ideas, these concepts, come from? What has…birthed such things…that you write about?" There. That seemed a good way of addressing it.

"Nothing." But he wouldn't meet my gaze, and I felt uneasy about that. I'd been afraid this would be something rather…grave. His avoidance, his refusal to speak of it, only served to prove it.

"Why? Why do you do this?"

"Do _what_?" His gaze snapped to mine, piercing me as sharp as shards of glass, his tone flinty.

Now he was being purposefully cutting, I know it. He _knew_ what I was asking. And it hurt, the timbre of his voice, as he had never spoken to me like that before, and I tried to assimilate the change.

Tira and I had discussed this a lot, what he was doing. We'd made some guesses, and now I chose to take the likeliest one and run with it. It was the only thing that made sense.

"I know you use these stories as a way to mete out self-punishment," I began, trying to keep my voice level and diplomatic, but I felt rather nasty after hearing that tone he'd used. It was like he wanted to keep me away, was warning me to back off, and I didn't much like the impression of a threat I was getting. "But why? It's like…it's like you _want_ those things to happen to yourself, but why do you do it? Why would you want that?"

I could see, from the way the muscles in his jaw shifted, that he gritted his teeth, and he wasn't looking at me again. "Why don't you ask Elrohir why he does _those_ things to himself in _A Test of Faith_?" he demanded.

I frowned, clenching my jaw. "You know perfectly well that none of that was in any way _his_ idea. I'd been working on it _far_ _longer_ than you've been _back_," I answered firmly. "You _know_ that. He didn't give me any ideas at all. In fact, you know he _stole_ my keyboard!" My voice was just a little bit harder than my spirit would have liked, but in my past, a soft voice rarely ever was allowed to get the point across.

The idea had been all my own, after I saw the movie The Prestige, and Elrohir had been horrified when he'd rather inadvertently found out about that story. It looked pretty bad, but it was still in the beginning chapters, and I'd tried to explain that to him. The next morning the keyboard for my desktop computer had been missing, and he'd remained distinctly tight-lipped about it.

So until he returned mine, I borrowed an extra keyboard my dad had. That one disappeared. I've only been able to use my laptop ever since, as I know buying a new keyboard myself will prove futile, as he'll just make that one disappear too. Not that I couldn't just work on _A Test of Faith_ on my laptop, but it was saved on the desktop computer and I quickly discovered my long unused flash-drive was gone and then the power cord for the desktop disappeared.

Really, I wasn't sure if he was just overreacting, was truly trying to prevent me from writing, or just retaliating for the sake of the game itself.

I didn't have time to ponder it, though, as I had more pressing matters to contend with right now than whether the missing devices was because I was dealing with a sulking Elrohir or a prankster.

Elladan abruptly stood up then, walking away, and he might have started pacing or even left, but I didn't give him that much time. I was on my feet and at his side, grabbing his arm and trying to turn him towards me. He stiffly complied, and I was a little surprised to see that his eyes had lost some of their previous steel.

To tell the truth, the hard way he'd looked at me earlier had cut me deep, especially since it came from _him_. But now that his eyes had lost their edge, I was quickly losing mine.

"Self-impalement? Walking voluntarily from cliffs?" I questioned, naming off the kinds of things he'd postulated about the merits of in the story. "Torture? The emotional pain of a loved one leaving you?" I frowned at the rather depressing list of sentiments written into that story he was helping so much with. "What is it you've never been unable to forgive yourself for that you'd now use fanfiction as a means of meting out self-punishment?" I couldn't help repeating my earlier question, because I felt that was the crux of the matter. Tira and I both felt the same way about it, and JLyH, in a Silver-Blue post, had made a few comments of an agreeing nature when some details were mentioned on there.

His reaction to my probing of the issue only served to plant it even more firmly in my mind that there was something -something totally unforgivable in his book- that he'd done, something he still blamed himself for. I only knew what history _The Mellon Chronicles_ had touched upon, and I didn't need any more details than that to know that his past had, at times, been anything but pretty. And that was putting it lightly.

So what could it be? At this juncture, anything.

"Please tell me." I requested softly, letting my hand stroke his arm, and I swore I saw him shiver. "Tell me what it is, let me help you…" because I knew he probably carried around a lot of baggage from his past, and I'd always wanted to help him heal from all of it. Whatever all of it was.

He shook his head. "I can't, Raina. Please do not ask me to explain it." The distress in his voice was obvious, and I was caught off guard. I knew Elladan to be one who'd more readily hide his emotions than let others have some reason to think him weak, though none of us considered it weakness. Still, his eyes glinted suspiciously, but I couldn't tell if there were unshed tears therein, because he blinked and it was gone. He still wouldn't make eye contact, his gaze studying the floor restlessly.

I let my hand wrap around his arm again. "Elladan—" I started, but I didn't even get part of the question out of my mouth before he cut me off.

"No, Raina. Please just don't. I can't talk about it right now." He answered firmly, but I could hear a pleading note beneath. It obviously upset him a lot to consider speaking, either period or to me, about whatever it was.

He shook me off and turned away from me then, a hand pressing against his head for a moment as an arm snaked around his abdomen, then the movement was gone. His hands dropped back to his sides, and I was left to wonder what distressed him so as he faced the window across the room.

I stared at his back, feeling compassion burbling up in my heart. I didn't like seeing him hurting, but I just wanted to help him. So I stepped closer and placed my hands on his biceps, leaning my head against his back. Due to our differences in height, I only came up to about his shoulder blades.

He seemed rigid as I hesitantly let my arms wrap around him. Sometimes, I wasn't quite sure where I stood with people, and usually it was Elladan who initiated any embraces we had shared since we'd confessed our feelings to one another, but I figured I had the right, the place, to do so. If he loved me, and I loved him…there wasn't anything wrong with that then, was there?

"Elladan, I'm here for you," I began slowly, swallowing. I suddenly felt an immense hurt in my chest, my heart aching. "If you need to talk, you should know that you…don't have to hesitate or feel ashamed." I scrambled to find the way to word this, so he _knew_, whatever his misgivings were, they didn't apply.

"You are who you are, and I love _you_." I did, and I hoped that counted for something. "The past…it only serves to shape us, helping us become who we are. If I love who you are, then you should know I accept your past, with all of the…issues. The same as I accept you."

He didn't answer, so all I could do was take a deep breath and pull back. His hair stuck to my cheek, then settled back. I stepped away and eyed him, trying to read anything in his posture, but nothing in the tense set of his unresponsive back clued me in as to whether or not he'd actually felt my attempts to reach him. I knew he'd _heard_ me, but was he _listening_?

"Dan, self-destructive behaviour is not a good coping mechanism," I finished, quoting JLyH's statement about all of this.

Since he seemed to not be acknowledging me, I sank back into my seat, exhaling. I glanced at him one last time, but he hadn't moved, and I knew the ball was in his court right now.

Sitting back and turning around, I glanced back at the computer, figuring it wouldn't help things if I sat there staring at him, waiting for him to get around to reacting, speaking, doing _anything_.

I minimized my Works document where I'd been editing my novel and instead went to browse Silver-Blue, to catch up on whatever new posts had been made since last I was there. There were a few, but the normal enjoyment I garnered from the insane ramblings of my friends was lost to me now. I headed over to my Facebook, but I wasn't surprised to find nothing there, either.

I could still feel Elladan's presence behind me, but he still hadn't said anything. I glanced back to see he hadn't even _moved_.

As I footled, a chat message popped up, Tira requesting Elladan's help with the writing. I sighed, sitting back. I could ask her to wait, but what would be the point? It's not like we _were_ talking, and I knew the decision to go or stay was up to Elladan. So I turned to look at him.

"Tira's asking for you." I said.

Elladan immediately stirred, turning around. I glanced down as he did, not certain about seeing his face just then, but I shook that off and peeked up at him. His expression revealed nothing.

"Let her know I'll be right there." He crossed the room without bothering to look at me, and I gave him a nod, turning back to the computer. He was nearly out the door when he paused to say, "I'll…be back when I can."

I glanced over as the door shut, wondering. Was it selfish or ridiculous of me to feel hurt that he chose helping Tira write over talking to me? Then I just had to sigh, shooting a message to Tira to let her know he was on his way. Her _thanks, hon_ reply earned a nod, but I didn't have anything to say.

I'd always found it a little strange that they, as in the Meians (that is, those from Middle-earth), could travel across the country and back in but handfuls of minutes, if even that. I know it has something to do with how they are here in the first place, but trying to understand it can be a little bit of a stretch to get your mind around.

I rather wished I could do as they did, get around so quickly and easily. I'd either be in New Hampshire or Idaho right now, if that were the case. Actually, I'd probably have offered to go with Elladan, if he even wanted me around…

Hmph. So, that hadn't gone so well. But really, what had I expected? I'd found a rather sad trend of trying to help people and being rebuffed in my past, but was it too much to hope that things could or would be different with Elladan?

My friends say I am wise, but sometimes it does not feel that way. It feels a bit more like scraping by on whatever sense I can wrangle out of my brain.

And now I was second-guessing myself, wondering if maybe I should just have enjoyed our time together and not have said anything. Yet, his behaviour concerns me, and I want honesty between us. I'd seen various forms of self-destructive behaviours in people, and once it had led to suicide and another time, this one an older sister of mine, it _almost_ led to suicide before we could find a way to help her, before she got better.

I don't think he'd really do that. I think if he was going to take his own life, he would have done so a long time ago. It was just the possibility that he might be destroying himself in other ways with all the things he's so obviously torn up about and re-dealing with all over again now. And I didn't want to see him get into more dangerous habits if he feels this current way of self-punishment is not adequate.

With a sad sigh, I leaned my head against the desk, mulling over all these depressing thoughts. I'm not one for crying much, mostly because I can't ever figure out how to get myself _to_ cry, but I rather wished I could then. A good cry felt like it be really relieving, considering the tight, hot knot of pain my chest.


	2. 2 Tira

Conversations

Chapter 2 - Tira

"Ah, so are we ready to write some more?" Elladan entered my room and took his place in the second chair at the desk. I noticed his eyes were rather bright, as if he was holding back tears or something. Elladan and tears was not something one often -if ever- saw.

"Yes, I was just checking my mail is all." I shut the window quickly, as it was an email from Raina about what she and Elladan had just spoken about.

"Good. Now, I was thinking that the orcs drug me…"

Elladan and I set to work. He seemed interested only in those parts where he was featured, so I had to wrack my brain for filler paragraphs about Ellie and Antiel. Did you know that Elladan actually created Ellie? I mean, more than the 'creation' in the story, I meant she was his idea in the first place. I had never thought Elladan was one for being a daddy, but when he came up with the idea of Elleriel, it definitely opened up new ideas to me about him. Though I was by no means a psychologist, I rather think he thought of innocent Ellie as the person he wished to be.

I noticed that he got this deep, pensive look on his face whenever it was his turn to write, and that he hunched over the keyboard to hunt and peck for the right letters. He is getting so much better at reading and writing English, I rarely have to correct his syntax and grammar anymore. I think Raina, with all the editing she does for people, has been working with him.

"Elladan," I began. "Why do you write such torturous things about yourself?"

He tensed suddenly, and slowly straightened up. He wouldn't look at me. "I find it a release to get certain frustrations out."

"What kind of frustrations?" I inquired.

"Frustrating ones."

"That was maddeningly unhelpful." I snorted, quoting Jack Sparrow. "Not to mention, you're beginning to sound like me. Now, that is something I never thought to experience. It's so nice that you think that highly of me that you'd emulate me. I thank you."

"You and Raina are ganging up on me." He accused, eyeing me with a look I was not sure of as he ignored everything else I'd said.

"Not at all! Why would we?" I hmphed and crossed my arms. Of course we were, but no way would I actually confess as much, especially not to him.

"Because you both like to insist I am punishing myself." His hesitancy confirmed our suspicions, of course, but I already knew from what Raina had told me that he would not tell me anything. Elladan is very secretive of his past life, and Elrohir refuses to say anything. He just tells me it is Elladan's story to share when he is ready. Sometimes my elf can be infuriating.

"Hey! It's a party!" A familiar voice rang out from the door.

"Three's a crowd, don'tcha know." I replied. Well speak of the devil! Elrohir always likes to butt in when Dan and I write. I think he feels left out. Either that or he is working for the enemy; that is, anyone other than me.

"Hi Ro." I grinned. Elladan made a face when Ro pushed me out of my chair and pulled me back onto his lap. I only have two chairs in the room, and Ro hates sitting on the bed. He often does this. Elladan had attacked the keyboard again and was ignoring me and his brother, so I turned on some music. I have it set to random, so I was kind of surprised when the most fitting song came on: Come Back Down by Lifehouse. I started to sing, I can't help it. Ro says I have actually improved quite a bit, though I am far from being able to sing like an elf.

Elladan's typing had slowed, then stopped altogether as I sang the song. He was listening, which had been my intention. Maybe it would help break the ice. Ro, though he didn't know the words, hummed along with the song.

"I have to go." Elladan said suddenly.

"Oh, so soon? Pity. Where to? Ooh, are you going to go get ice cream? How sneaky of you." I rattled off.

"That is none of your business, and no I am not going to go get ice cream." He replied, giving me a look like his father's. He should know those looks don't do anything to scare me. I have Elrond in the palm of my hand, most times.

"Dan, just don't do anything you'll worry over later." Elrohir said. I could see he was truly worried about his twin.

"Oh please, Ro, you totally know Elladan can't help but worry. He is a born worrier. That is why we call him Little Mother, you know, cause he frets and worries and nags just like a mom."

"It's okay, Ro, I know what I'm doing. Tira, I got Ashuruk sending Bagronk in to parlay with my father, so good luck from there. I'll stop in later and see how it's coming along." He shot me a glare at the little mother comment, and I grinned. I love teasing Elladan, he makes it far too easy. Always has.

"Alright." I sighed. I really wish he wasn't leaving, because I worry about him too, even though he is fun to tease.

I moved to Elladan's vacated chair, even though Elrohir pouted a little. Saving the document, I minimised the story window and opened Silver Blue. Elrohir busied himself with a book I had left, something by Dean Koontz, and was soon lost to the world. Immediately, upon seeing Raina was online, I PMed her a message telling her Elladan had left, but I knew not where. I then continued to browse SB.

Out of the blue Elrohir put the book down and started speaking. "Why do you let Elladan write so much?"

"What?" The question wasn't confusing, I was just surprised.

"Why do you allow him to write such things?"

"Because he disappears for days on end when I don't let him, and that worries both me and Raina." I replied.

"What about me?"

"What, don't you like how I wrote you?"

"Oh, yes. I do love children. You captured me perfectly. It's just that, lately I think you like Elladan better than me."

I couldn't help it, I had to laugh at that. "Oh you silly elf. I could never like Elladan better, not like that." I leaned over and kissed his cheek.

"That's not what it seems like."

"Elrohir, what do I have to do to convince you that you're the only elf for me? Besides, Elladan is far too uptight for me."

"I don't know. Let me give you a proper kiss, like we shared in Rivendell. You haven't let me kiss you since, and you only give me little brotherly pecks. I mean, what do you want from me? A friend or more?"

I looked at Elrohir and I know shock must have been written all over my face because he glared at me, waiting for an answer, silently demanding one. What did I want from Elrohir? I had plenty of guy friends, but was the elf more than that to me? I mean, that first big kiss had been an accident, really, all Raina's doing. I don't recall if I ever thanked her for that, either.

"I don't know what I want. This is all very confusing for me, you know."

"Alright, so back to the other subject: why do you let Elladan write more than you let me?"

"Because you never seem interested! You know, the next story has no torture so Elladan probably won't want to write. I want you to do it with me."

"Are you just saying that to placate me?"

Now I was getting mad. What did I have to do to prove to him that I didn't like Elladan better? "Look here, El. I am not placating anyone. If you haven't figured it out by now, I am not the sort of person who sucks up to anyone. I asked you to write with me and if you don't want to do it then don't!"

"No, I want to do it, I just…I don't know." He gave a sigh so heart-rending I couldn't help but wrap my arms around him.

"Cheer up, Ro. You are my only elf, and Elladan will be alright. All too soon Lost Horizons will be written completely and you won't know what to do with yourself besides availing yourself to my hospitality." I addressed the three concerns I could sense were his biggest just then.

"Really, your only one? Even Legolas doesn't spark anything? Cause Vaniriel was awful like you, and so is Antiel sort of."

"Well, that sometimes happens to a writer. I write what I know, so of course you're going to see some of me in them." I laughed the question away. Just before I turned to continue at the computer Elrohir stopped me and looked into my eyes, holding me in place with a hand on my cheek. Now, I've always loved it when guys stroke my face like that, I don't know why.

"Okay, I'll write You Belong to Me with you." He smiled. Just before I tried to turn again he leaned in and kissed me, but only on the cheek, like a brother would.

"Alright, enough of that. I need to write now." He just smiled and sat back, picking up his book again. I could see him peeking over the top and he knew very well he had flustered me. I ignored him and just reopened my document to type more. After all, I had to save Imladris now, since Elladan had left me in such a predictable bind.

I could feel Elrohir watching me, but it really didn't make me uncomfortable. His gaze was very certain and calming, and it helped me write the good scenes, the ones where Imladris was saved, and Elladan too.

I'm not sure why, but Elrohir has always been my elf. Even though he and his twin have such little mentions in the Lord of the Rings books, Cassia and Siobhan's stories really fleshed them out, and to my (very pleased) surprise, Elrohir is very much like his MC counterpart. I have never been able to convince myself that Cassia and Siobhan did not have some sort of awesome psychic link to Middle-earth, because their stories are so spot on, it's scary.

All in all, I have to say it's turning out well. I have my elf, I have my stories…and I have my sisters. They keep me grounded and sane. Now if only Raina and I could figure out why Elladan seems to hate himself, we'd be all set. Unfortunately, I think it's going to be a long ride. There is something seriously bothering both twins, but they are so close-mouthed and withdrawn about personal subjects, it's like trying to open that one pistachio that has no little crack to stick your nail in to pry it apart. I like pistachios, even the tough to open ones, but I do not like these secrets the twins are hiding.


	3. 3  Raina

Conversations

Chapter 3 - Raina

It had been a little over two hours since Tira had sent me her message explaining that she didn't know where Elladan had gone, just that he had left in a hurry. I had waited around, trying to occupy myself, but knowing he had disappeared didn't settle well with me and I got restless sooner than I normally would have.

_Where was he?_ was all that kept going through my mind and it was soon driving me crazy. I had tried to call him, as the Silithluin Gwathil all chipped in together as much as we were able to provide the Meians with TrakPhones, that we may be able to get in contact with them when they were not at one of our houses or we were experiencing other difficulties getting a hold of them.

So, I tried calling him, yes. _Tried_ being the keyword. He didn't answer the phone, and I didn't feel like spending my time listening to a ringing sound droning on and on in my ear. Not that I even wanted to nag him like that, either. He _knew_ I was trying to get a hold of him, so one call was enough.

I had waited around for an hour, but the waiting and uncertainty were driving me up every wall in my house (figuratively, of course, as I can't climb walls like a ninja or Final Fantasy character). I had tried to occupy myself, as I said, but there's only so much occupation that can go on with cleaning or switching around laundry or trying to think about dinner when food is the furthest thing from your thoughts and you've only just had lunch; however, all these tasks are not attention-consuming and so my mind was still plenty free to be driven crazy. And I could not concentrate on my novel, either.

After an hour, though, I kind of figured he hadn't left Tira's in a hurry to come back here and talk to me, so I decided to try to take my mind off things. An hour is more than enough time for him to get back here, if he was coming, even if he had dawdled along the way; I left, went for a bike ride with my iPod in and my music cranked up to drown out all the restlessness.

The exercise had been invigorating, but I was tired now as I returned. I was still uneasy about Elladan, but I hoped some of my restlessness might be curbed, and as I put my bike away, I pondered what I would do now. And where Elladan was. And when he was coming back. And what his problem was. And… well, you get the picture.

Of a truth, I hurt. It'd been about two and a half hours now (did I mention I paused at the park down the way and had walked around and dawdled, enjoying the outdoors?) since our fight -as it certainly had not been a calm or enjoyable discussion- and I swallowed painfully as I realised this was probably the biggest thing we had argued about since he had been back, because everything before had only been petty disagreements fought more for the debate than out of any true fight on either of our parts.

I just hoped he showed up soon. I wanted answers, yes. I wanted him to speak to me, yes. But mostly, I just wanted to work things out. I didn't like being at odds with him. As mentioned, it hurt. Hurt a lot.

I sighed as I entered the house and took my helmet off, pausing to glance in the mirror in the hall bathroom to fix my hair and rinse my face. Like usual, the exercise had flushed my face, and I splashed cold water on myself to help my body cool back down. It is, after all, rather hot outside. Texas summers are like that.

I hesitated before leaving, taking a moment to observe my face in the mirror. I frowned for a moment, then pulled a face. I had never much cared for the way my whole face turned so red like it does with exertion, and though I knew each of us have our own beauty, there were days I felt very plain. And awkward.

Shrugging, I scrapped these thoughts, told myself they were ridiculous, even if they briefly distracted me from the constant mantra of _Huh, wonder where Elladan is?_

Then I turned, switched off the light and headed back to the master bedroom, scrambling to think of ways to keep myself occupied. There was editing, of course. There was other craft projects in the works. I needed to reorganize my closet. Birthday gifts I needed to find places for, though my nineteenth had been several weeks ago now. It was almost time for my littlest sister's birthday now, in fact. (Mental note—make sure I have presents for her.)

I could check in with Tira, see if maybe she had heard from him, though the elf hadn't bothered to contact _me_, so I wasn't sure if he'd have touched base with Tira.

So imagine my surprise when I pushed my unlatched door open and I entered to find Elladan on my bed. He was laying on the edge, as if he were afraid to get on further (though we had both sat on my bed together talking without a second thought), one arm tucked beneath his head and the other draped across his abdomen; one leg rested against the floor and he was bouncing it with what I assumed was impatience. His face was a mask of pensive -dare I say morose?- lines as he stared straight through the ceiling, as though he were not quite in the room or he wasn't seeing the white plaster above but scenes only he knew.

I had, out of habit, automatically shut the door behind me, though, and the noise of the latch catching caught his attention and brought him back. I half regretted the unconscious motion, for I had wanted the chance to observe him, despite (or maybe because of) the implications of the look on his face. But the damage was done, and he immediately came to his feet, eyeing me with an unreadable look in his eyes and his countenance was pretty much impassive to me.

A feeling then bubbled up in my chest, that compassionate part of me that I let dictate my actions. That part of me that said to let it go and let Elladan tell me in his own time, when he is ready, which is what I _wanted_ to do, I just didn't want him hiding it away forever though because all he really needs is a little prompting. I mean, Lord knows these elves (and that ranger of theirs) hide serious injuries just for the sake of being able to say "I'm fine" and then promptly pass out from loss of blood…wake up, discovered, and still claim to be "fine." They can't admit to anything in a million years unless you really draw it out of them…but would waiting be enough to draw it out of him?

I hoped so. I didn't want to press and press him and it be the wrong thing. Elladan knew I knew something was up, knew I wanted to know and I wanted to help him; and if he was going to tell me, I would just have to wait around until he decided to stop leaving me in the dark.

I would just have to find the way to be supportive for him. But I was worried and I didn't know what was the _right_ thing to do. So I just followed my instincts right then, followed the press of compassion in my chest.

Quickly, I closed the distance between us, tossed my helmet on to the bed behind him, and with that slight but definite hesitation which I had experienced earlier, I wrapped my arms around him. I was too short to comfortably get one or both of my arms around his shoulders, so I just wrapped my arms around his middle.

I was almost surprised when he did not pull (or push me) away, but rather wrapped his own arms around my shoulders and ducked his head down near me. I could feel his soft exhales stirring my hair and wafting across my neck. I tucked my head against his shoulder and felt heartened to feel his arms tighten around me.

See, I wasn't angry at him. I hadn't been angry at him at all, nada. It was nothing but worry that clawed away at my insides. Now, though, I felt a dull ache numbed with the worry, as I wished -fruitlessly?- that there was more I could do. I supposed that all I could do was offer him whatever love, support, and comfort he'd let me give.

I breathed deep then, taking in the scent of my elf. It was that special smell, the one you cannot put a name to or associate properly with anything else but a single person. I loved his smell, and I loved breathing it in, as it had always calmed me and filled me with a constant, soothing thrum of _protected-safe-and-sound_ that was more a feeling than anything I could properly name.

That familiar taste of him, of shelter and cared for safety, was relaxing. As I said, it calmed me, and I let out a soft sigh, releasing the tension in my shoulders, at about the same time as Elladan sighed. And it would have been amusing that we would do the same thing at the same time, but whereas mine had been a cross between sadness and contentment, Elladan's was purely mournful.

I tilted my face back, trying to see him, but he'd ducked his head down too low, too close to mine. "El…?" I pressed softly.

"What?" he murmured, raising his head but for a moment and so fleeting, it must have been an involuntary response to his name, for he only seemed to pull me in tighter, hold me even closer.

I sighed. "Nothing. Never mind." I managed a smile as I tucked my head back against his shoulder. I had really just wanted to know what he was thinking, why he'd sighed, but I supposed I could wait for the moment on that.

He didn't seem at all in a mood for talking, but I wondered if I was sensing things aright and he desired to continue to do exactly what he was doing.

And hey, I'd be willing to let him hold me. I didn't mind _that_. But… "Mind if we sit?" I asked quietly a few minutes later.

"What? Oh, yes." He nodded, pulling back abruptly.

I wondered if he'd thought I had grown weary of the embrace or didn't want to continue it, for when we sat down, he didn't put his arms back around me. If this weren't so serious, I might've pouted; instead, I just reached out for him, wrapping my arms around him. It took him a second, but he embraced me back.

He pressed his ear against my left shoulder, and I wondered if he could hear my heartbeat, which is probably a yes considering his heightened hearing, and marvelled that he wasn't uncomfortable in this position, curling around me like this. I did mention our difference in height after all. I guess he preferred the sound of my heartbeat (listening to the beating of someone's heart is very calming, I knew, and I don't think he'd be any exception to this) over any cricks in his neck or tension in his shoulders.

Then half of my thoughts moved on to _what are going to do from here?_ while the other half still pondered those incongruous ones. As I cogitated on all of these things, Elladan finally began to relax, some of the tensed set to his shoulders easing out.

I really wasn't sure what _he_ planned on doing, whether he'd feel up to writing or if he wanted to talk (if the latter was why he'd come back) or, even, if he was just going to leave again for Tira's here in a few minutes. I rather wished to be in his head, to know what he was thinking.

If he hadn't come back for talking, though, why had he left in such a hurry? I wasn't sure…I mean, maybe all he wanted was to just be held, considering that's all he'd done so far.

I know Elladan doesn't strike one as the kind of person who would need to be held (and he does, in fact, strike you as the sort who doesn't _like_ being held; there were times he seemed uncomfortable with _my_ embrace, but I hadn't caught much rhyme or reason to it, just that there were days he didn't seem very relaxed at the contact); I think it has something to do with not wanting to appear weak or dependent on another to find the strength and comfort to get through. It's taken awhile, but he lets me hold him a little more when he's disheartened or upset.

Because, beneath everything else, he is like everyone else when it comes down to needing the comfort of holding and being held.

I leaned my head against his, breathing deeply again of his scent, of _him_. Man, how I loved him. I shifted my grip and reached up to run my fingers through his hair, closing my eyes and mentally taking the elf in. He knew I loved him, right? Well, there's no time like the present to tell someone… "I love you."

He jerked his head slightly and his arms tightened, as if in a silent acknowledgement of my softly spoken declaration, but he did not verbally make a reply.

I sighed, wondering what to say, what to do. Should I try to find a way to get him to talk? I scrambled helplessly, then finally decided I might as well ask him _something_, find out his preference. "Do you…want to write?"

He seemed to press a little further into my embrace, and I did not get a reply at first, then finally he said quietly, "No." I figured that was all the reply I would get, but after a few beats, he spoke again. "Not right now."

So what now? "That's fine. I was just wondering."

He nodded again, then suddenly pulled back. I suddenly felt a keen ache at him leaving my arms, but I passed it off and focused on his face. His gaze met mine for a second, flickered over my face, then he glanced away, eyes studying the carpeted (ugly carpet, at that) floor.

"Raina," he began to the ground. (Sweet kite strings, I loved the way he said my name.) "I think that…" he paused, swallowing hard, as if the words were difficult to get out or maybe an involuntary gulp stopped them or maybe he was fighting tears. Did his eyes look a little bright, glistening in the light with tears? I wasn't sure. "That I would _like_ to talk to you about—"

"Raina?" Trelan's voice carried through the house in the direction I knew came from the front door. He must have just returned from whatever errand or trip or what-have-you he'd taken.

See, he normally hangs out at my place, and we chatted and played games and watched movies and laughed and wrote and I bounced ideas off of him and picked his brain for information…you know, lots of things like that. He was one of my closest guy friends, one of the few men in my life I was close to.

Huh. Come to think of it, just about the only men I was close to were the Meians. Go figure that one.

Ah. _Anyway_.

Trelan's voice interrupted whatever Elladan had been about to say (and let me note the emphasis the twin had made on the word _like_ and I inwardly pondered that one), and the elf beside me shut his mouth without finishing.

Knowing Elladan wasn't going to finish his thought and that Trelan was looking for me, I turned my face toward the door and called back carefully so my voice would carry without hurting Elladan's ears because the elf was right beside me. " You know where to find me, Trey." I snorted quickly with amusement. Of course he knew where to find me; sometimes I have to think that I live my life in my room.

Before you think I'm a hermit and assume that I don't get out, I do. But mostly I stick to myself and stay in my bubble, as there's not very many places I could go anyway. My friends are too far away for it to be feasible to hang out often (the one friend I have who lives nearby is quite busy with wedding plans and juggling college assignments and eking out a living for herself until she becomes Mrs. Roberts), and I…well, my family _in_ the metropolis are all very busy. They are.

And I do frequent the rest of my house, by the by. I just _prefer_ my room; I have my computer, my crafts, my books in here.

I was brought from my minute musings when the door opened. Elladan turned away from the door at that moment, glancing out the window and blinking several times. Hm. Maybe his eyes _had_ been bright with tears. What was all this about?

Trelan stepped through the door, and if he was unsure about the situation he was entering, he didn't show it. He came to a casual stop inside the door, glanced between us, but didn't otherwise react. Pff. Blast elves and how they can take everything in stride (okay, so not _everything_, but close enough; certainly a good deal more than humans).

"I was just going to let you know that I'm back." He said, his gaze flickering once more to Elladan's turned aside face.

Yeah, I don't think he's sure what he's walked into. I offered him a small smile of reassurance, but it probably came across as rather weak; it felt weak to me.

"Thanks." I said sincerely, if a trifle irrelevantly (my mind was on Elladan and his issues). However, it was, after all, a good idea to try to keep tabs on the Meians, rather than letting them run unchecked and haphazard around our world (they attract a lot of trouble, mind you, and our world is quite different from theirs, thank you very much), so I did appreciate him checking in with me.

Trelan shrugged, his eyes once more glancing at the silent third member of the room, who had yet to even acknowledge him. He turned a quizzical look on me, and I pulled a face, trying to tell him it'd probably be best to go on about his day right now and not worry about it.

Out loud, I suggested, hoping he'd take the hint, "You know, Trey, you spend a lot of time here, or in the general area," because I had suspicions about another certain house he frequents in Texas, "why don't you go see what Tira's up to? Plus, she has an excellent place and beautiful land."

"I'm not sure I want to go up there right now." He answered truthfully; I knew he'd gotten my hint, but he wasn't going to go without a good reason, either. I caught another quick glance at Elladan and I wondered if he was worried.

"Why would that be?" I pressed, because I wasn't going to lose this. I'd find some reason for him to go.

He shrugged, pausing before he replied. "I don't have a reason for going up there." He stated concisely, blatantly stating the conclusion I had already arrived at.

"But she has _beautiful_ lands," I insisted, persisting. Elladan…he'd be more comfortable talking with no one else around. He and I…we need time alone. I could sense it. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Elladan's gaze drop from the window to the blankets, and I knew he was listening and hoping I'd win this one. "Besides, you can hang out there for hours and never run the risk of bumping into anyone who'll make your life miserable for you, well, being out of place." I stuck my tongue out at him to show him I was joking, but the point was a valid one and it still stood.

He sighed, eyeing me. He knew what I was trying to do, and I inwardly pleaded with him to just capitulate and take my reason. Finally, he said, straight-faced, but with a smile in his eyes, "It's not good, but it's a reason. I'll go."

I could see the reluctance in him; heck, he was practically obvious about it, what with the way he kept glancing at Elladan uncertainly and his confusion could be seen all the way over here.

Of course, I wasn't going to answer his confusion, as I didn't know what to tell him, or even what I _could_ tell him of the little bit I did have to work with, but I was thankful he took my reason and didn't press things or refuse to go.

"Thanks," and I meant more than just him agreeing, "Then can you take a message to her for me? You know, save me the hassle of typing up one? Just tell her I'll get the story back to her soon and not to fret about the frustrating frustrations."

I hoped Tira would get what I meant, understand the (cleverly?) hidden message in my message. Trelan was already suspicious and curious, and, as stated, I didn't know what I could tell him, but I knew Tira needed to be aware of things and not stress herself over it, but I didn't think I'd have time (or the opportunistic chance) to get on the computer and send her a message myself.

"You know how Tira can be; gets all stressed over things; gets frustrated when things aren't going easy." I tacked on, grinning. It wasn't a _lie_, but it certainly was _not_ referring to writing frustrations or anything else like that. It was referring to this sticky bout with Elladan.

Trelan nodded and left, and as the door shut behind him, I shifted and turned back to Elladan, slipping my hand into his. I had a suspicion that what he wanted to talk about had to do with our talk earlier, so when his gaze met mine, I asked, "You were saying?"

His eyes immediately wandered away again, and I figured he was thinking of what to say, how to say it. I know I do it when I am. And I reckoned that I knew him enough to know that's what he was doing.

"I…want to talk to you about…" He paused, gaze dropping to the floor again as he searched for the right words.

Suddenly, his grip on my hand tightened, and he turned and leaned in, eyes closing as he brushed his lips against mine. Involuntarily, I let my own eyes flutter nearly closed, but I peaked at him through my lashes. He pulled away a mere centimetre or two, his free hand coming up to cup my face, fingers brushing against the back of my neck; then he kissed me again.

After a few moments, I could feel his whisper as he said, "About why…why I would do what I am…" He sighed then and pulled back and I opened my eyes to see his troubled face, his own gaze eyeing me closely.

I assumed he was bothered by an inability to express himself and I could identify with the feeling, and I could only assume that my face softened tenderly (that's certainly how I was _feeling_) because his countenance cleared.

"But, Raina, at this time…I don't really think…" He frowned, eyes dropping from my face to our hands as he fiddled with my fingers with his other hand. Again, I noticed incongruously how much I loved the way it felt for him to play with my fingers. "I don't think I can really bring myself to talk about it right now." He looked up at me, eyes earnest and troubled with a million anxious, unsettled thoughts. "I would have told you already if I could."

And I believed him.

I placed my free hand on his arm, whilst giving his fingers a gentle squeeze with my other. "It's fine," I said softly. "I'd really only wanted you to know that I'm here for you now, Elladan, and I don't want you to hurt yourself. I don't want you to deal all alone." I spoke seriously and I hoped he knew how honest I was about this. "Whatever it is you're dealing with, I don't want you to feel or even think _for one second_ that you're alone in it."

He nodded, once again breaking away from my gaze and dropping his.

"I just…" I shrugged. "Wanted you to know that I'm here for you to talk to, you know, and that you don't have to keep it all inside, or do the…things you're doing, either. It's…alright to talk to me."

Elladan then sighed, a weighted exhale that seemed to come from somewhere deep inside of him, but it carried more of the load of his troubles than relief. "I tried to…I've _tried_ to…" He growled unintelligibly under his breath, and I gathered it was from his inability to communicate whatever he was thinking.

"Look, I would've told you, Raina." He told my hand. "I _left_ Tira's to tell you, I did, I just had to try to prepare myself to do so, but it didn't work. I got here and you were gone, and the more I waited, the more I lost my nerve. I don't even feel like however much I prepare, I can just _tell_ you." He frowned, brows coming together as he glanced up at me. "Valar, Raina, it's not _easy_."

I worried my lip, giving him a quick nod.

Suddenly, he reached out and chucked my chin, then leaned in and kissed me softly, which made me stop biting my lip. When he pulled away and sat back, he said, "I need more time, I think."

"Then time you have, El," I answered. If that's what he needed, then he could have it; I just needed to _know_ what he needed, because I couldn't predict him myself. "I don't want you to feel rushed or obligated," I continued, shaking my head emphatically. "But when you are _ready_, I'm here…to talk, to…to…hold and help you work through. Whatever you need."

He glanced down, a slight frown pressing his lips together.

"That's what I wanted you to know," I insisted gently. I smiled slightly as I remembered something he had once told me. "_I_ know from experience that when something is bothering you, it helps to have someone to talk to."

Elladan glanced up, gaze sweeping my face, then a wane smile tugged at his lips, probably as the memory surfaced. "Thank you," he whispered, "Just…thank you." He seemed to be searching for the words and was coming up at a loss. "I didn't ask you to be here for me…didn't…_expect_ you to be there, but I…thank you. You…" He shook his head. "That's just you, isn't it?" he asked.

I frowned, confused.

"I didn't seek or even _gain_ your comfort, but…you want to give it to me _anyway_." He said this quietly, as if afraid or ashamed to admit this…or maybe that he couldn't believe it? All three?

Either way, it hit me deep. Not in a guilty kind of way or cutting in a usual sense, but it hit me deep inside and made me hurt to think that he thought he had to seek or gain or somehow _deserve_ comfort. Didn't he know he _had_ it? It belonged to him for as long as he'd let himself receive it, because it wasn't about to _go_ anywhere.

"You always have it, Dan. Always have. It's always been and always will be here for you." I said softly; he breathed deep and once again looked down. "Just as long as you _accept_ it. I can't, after all, give comfort to someone who pushes me away." I finished facetiously, meaning that if someone physically pushes you away, how can you _hug_ them and comfort them?

His head snapped up, though, and he quickly pulled me to him; his voice was hoarse with emotions I couldn't quite place when he replied, "I don't want to push you away from me, Raina."

I sighed. Maybe it was -what I assumed was- his instability at this time and not my rather lacking communication skills which caused him to take what I had said the wrong way, to misinterpret what I had really meant. "I know, Dan." I answered. "That wasn't what I meant. I just meant that, well, how can I comfort someone if they, you know, physically push me away from them?"

To emphasize my point, I placed my hands against his chest and added the slightest pressure; not to push him away, but to communicate what I meant.

"_That_ is how I meant it."

Elladan's arms tightened, and he shook his head firmly. "Either way, you…you need to know I don't intend or even _wish_ to push you away from me."

I just closed my eyes, leaned against him, and waited, once again wondering _where do we go from here?_ After several moments of silence, I ventured, "So…do you plan on telling Tira everything too, when you work up the nerve to explain?"

He fell quiet for so long I began to worry I had overstepped some invisible boundary. Then, "I knew you two were ganging up on me."

"Ganging up?" my voice came out in an embarrassingly surprised squeak. I cleared my throat and continued, "We were both worried, Dan, and we both happened to ask about what was going on. We weren't intending to gang up on you, as you put it, at least not the way you seem to mean." I paused. "However, _are_ you going to tell Tira? I think she kind of deserves to know, too…we're both concerned."

He pulled back and eyed me, before finally saying, "You're right. She needs to know. If she doesn't, she'll just worry, like you said, and she'll wear herself out. Then I'll get in trouble with Ro."

I snickered at the jest and the edges of his lips curled upward ever-so-slightly, before he quickly turned serious again.

"I don't think I can talk to her about it, though…not for a while, at least. I want to talk to you first, and even then…I don't know if I _could_ bring myself to tell her." He sighed, then waved a hand. "Tell Elrohir he can tell her." He glanced back at me. "But _no_ _one_ else." This was said sharply, emphatically.

"Elrohir tell her?" I repeated; I mean, I understood, but I was just surprised. Tira told me that Elrohir refused to say anything, that all he'd spill on the subject was that it was Elladan's story to tell when he was ready…but did his refusal have something to do with Elladan not wanting _him_ to tell Tira?

I eyed Elladan, but his face revealed nothing, so I just nodded. "Alright. I'll tell Trelan to tell Ro."

I shifted to pull my phone from my pocket to call the elf. I didn't see any reason why Trelan wouldn't have his phone on, even though the Meians did occasionally shut them off and purposefully ignored us -like when Elladan goes on strike when Tira doesn't let him write and he disappears; or when Elrohir first refused to answer calls from most of us after he stole my keyboard and (I suspect) smashed it up- but there was no reason I could think of that Trelan would shut his phone off.

And I was right.


	4. 4 Tira

Conversations

Chapter 4 - Tira

Trelan. I am now saddled with a sulky wood-elf. He showed up saying Raina had practically forced him out of the house and made him come to New Hampshire. I simply rolled my eyes and asked if he had any messages.

"Yes, she said not to fret, the story will be done soon she's just been busy…or something." He shrugged. "And Elrohir, Dan says you have permission to tell Tira his story. I am going outside."

"Good…oh, and be careful."

I almost grinned when he stopped and gave me a hard look, but managed to keep my face neutral. "Why should I be careful?"

"Because I let Varda, Dan, Námo, Eönwë and Findel out with Ari and Chippy. They're running free in the yard."

Trelan looked shocked, and I could see Elrohir trying to control his laughter. "You named two of your wargs after Valar and one after a Maia? How do you dare?"

"They were good names." I shrugged now. Elrohir had already known of the 'shocking' names of my wargs. "And you forgot Glorfindel."

"Glor- never mind. I'm going outside." Trelan made quick his escape.

"Do you think he was appalled?" I asked my elf, who lounged on my bed. He was waiting for me to boot up the computer so we could begin writing.

"Oh, he'll get over it I'm sure. After all, I did."

"Though it took you a little bit." I giggled.

"Indeed. Are we going to write tonight?"

"Yes, yes, we're going to write tonight…are you going to tell me anything about Dan?"

"I don't know." Ro frowned. "I mean, it's very personal, despite whatever he said I was allowed to do."

"Oh, I understand if you don't want to, I just figured I would ask. Raina and I are really worried about him, you know."

"Oh, I know, but this is a hard thing to talk about. And personal, very personal."

"I can't even get a hint? I mean, really. Some of the things he has written into the last story were cruel!" An idea suddenly dawned. "He's never run away from someone like that, has he?"

Elrohir glared at me. "No, he's never been in love that I know of, except for-" He cut the sentence off abruptly and plopped into the desk chair.

"Except for Raina?" I teased.

"I'm not telling you anything. Let's write."

Elrohir studiously ignored me from then on, typing away. I, of course, was not convinced _in the least_. He was hiding something about Elladan's love life, and it wasn't about Raina, at least not directly. I narrowed my eyes. I had once told JLyH that when I wanted to know something, I would find a way to know it, somehow. I peeked over his shoulder at what he was writing.

_The messenger rode harder than he ever had before…_

"Um, Tira?"

"Yes dear?"

"What should I name the guy?"

"Which guy?"

"The messenger guy."

"Which messenger guy?" I asked, slightly exasperated.

"The one going to Imladris."

"Why is he going to Imladris?"

"To tell Antiel and Elladan about Cade."

"Alright. So who is he?"

"Um, I was going to make him related to Cade somehow."

"Call him Arveldir." I replied.

"Royal friend?"

"He is related to Cade, who is related to Thalion, who was Antiel's sentinel. See?"

"Oh, yes." He went back to typing. Relieved to be getting a break from the mind-bending work of, well, thinking, I lay back on the bed, in the same spot where Ro had been five minutes before. It was still warm. I wondered what could be so disastrous in Elladan's life that he would take it out on his character in these fictions. Ro had very clearly said it was not a replica of the story he had helped to write, at least not the love part (which relieved me greatly, for Raina's sake). So if it wasn't love it had to be something else, but what? I have never been good at riddles like that, for all that I do those logic problems in the magazines. I hoped he could come to grips soon, because it was terribly worrying to see him torture himself like this.

Sitting up I peeked over Ro's shoulder again to see how he was doing and giggled. He was teasing the poor character, Arveldir, that he had just created. Poor little mortal. I was bored, so I stood up and just stood behind Ro, even though the other chair was empty.

"I'm hungry." Elrohir said suddenly. He saved the document (smart elf) and turned to look at me. He likes that office chair because he can spin in it. Sometimes we see who can get dizzier, me or him, and still walk fairly straight and do all those other tests the cops make you do, like touch your nose and say the alphabet backwards. I always win, because I grew up with three little brothers. That and saying the English alphabet backwards is easy-peasy. The Sindarin one on the other hand, a bit more difficult.

"Well…" I checked to see what I had for money. "We could go downtown and see what we can find. I don't feel like cooking anything."

"All right." He agreed. When we stepped outside I scanned the yard looking for Trelan, who I discovered sulking in a tree in which three little wargs sat below, tongues hanging out and panting. It was Glorfindel, Eönwë and Námo. Whistling I called the pups to me and shut them back into the shed, which we're in the process of rebuilding to make it bigger.

Trelan looked less sulky now that he was able to move freely. "Why did you choose the only tree that wasn't near any other?" I asked, referring to the fact that it had been the peach tree he had climbed, which is a lone tree closer to the little pond than the forest.

"Because I like the peaches." He blushed slightly.

"So you're my peach-thief." I giggled. "That's okay, you can eat all you want. We're going into town to find something to eat. Care to join us?"

He looked at the tree again, then back at us. "Sure, I'll come. Raina tells me I'm too sulky anyway, that I need to get out more."

"You do. Trees are quite fun to be with and talk too, but being with friends is just as fulfilling."

"You're right." He smiled.

"Of course I'm right, right Ro?"

"Right. What are we talking about?"

"Elrohir!" I wailed.

"I'm sorry!" He looked apologetic. "I was just thinking about how hungry I was."

"Men!" I looked up into the darkening sky. "No matter the race, all they can think of is food!"

"Hey! I resemble that remark!" He gave me a crooked grin.

"Of course you do, dear." I began walking and they followed.

When we finally reached the town, about three miles away, we had decided to go to the café, Lafayette's, then stop in at the Triplet's shop to see if they wanted me to make a deposit or anything for them.

When we got to Lafeyette's and Audrey greeted us (she knows us well, since Ro and I are here almost every day, and I have been coming here for years with my best friends, the aforesaid Triplets of Death), I ordered the BLT, extra bacon, extra crispy, no mayo. Elrohir, the pig, ordered a hamburger, a BLT my way except with the mayo, a salad, and the apple pie. Trelan was much more gentle on the wallet and ordered just the hamburger and fries. Everything here is homemade, none of it is frozen or anything like McDonalds, which is why I come here.

As I sipped my coke, I noticed Ro fidgeting. I waited for him to tell me what was making him so uncomfortable and finally he did.

"Tira, my dearest, I thought I would tell you a little bit about our past, and some of why Elladan is the way he is."

My interest was piqued, and I could see Trelan concentrating on his hamburger a bit too intently. So, seemingly, he didn't know either. Interesting. "All right, so where did you want to start?"

"Well, I don't really know where I should start."

"I find beginnings to be good places." Trelan answered unhelpfully.

"Yes, well, I don't quite know what exactly the beginning _is_."

"Why'd you bring it up in the first place then?" I grumbled.

"Because Elladan _said_ I could."

"Well, forget him. Tell me about you. Ever been in love?"

He choked on his soda, or an ice-cube. Something. I raised an eyebrow. This was interesting to say the least. I took in his pale face, the fact that his fingers were fairly shredding a poor napkin, and his lip biting. Glancing at Trelan I saw him frowning down into his cup. Curiouser and curiouser, to quote Alice.

"It's a yes or no question, Ro."

"No, it's not. Have _you_ ever been in love?" He shot back.

"I thought I was, but it turned out to be just a filler." I answered honestly. "I've always been yours, since before I knew you were real."

This made him pause. "Well."

"So, yes or no, have you ever been in love?"

"I guess…I guess…no. Not until you."

"See, now we're getting somewhere. What about Elladan?"

Elrohir went back to biting his lip, and Trelan suddenly started looking around for Audrey and the check. This was getting to be _such_ a weird conversation, and it was obvious that both Elrohir and Trelan were hiding things.

"What, does he have some sort of secret love child with…oh, I don't know, one of Trey's cousins?" I asked facetiously.

Trelan startled and spilled the remainder of his soda. "What? No, that's ridiculous."

"Yeah." Elrohir frowned at me. "Elladan is…Elladan is pure, to my knowledge."

"Well, I guess that will reassure Raina."

I hailed Audrey and paid the check, because I could tell my elves were getting antsy. I hadn't particularly learned much of anything, but I certainly had plenty of intrigue for a great story if I wanted. And I had noticed what Elrohir _wasn't_ saying. He had not professed to _them_ being pure, only _Elladan_ being so. Not that it mattered, personally. I had my own secrets, and I was definitely no virgin. But you can't say you'll tell someone something, then not tell them anything.

Maybe I should write a scathing, scandalous story about Elrohir, just to serve him right.

On second thought, I can't do that. It's far too mean. I love my elf, and I may be absolutely insane, but I'm not mean without a purpose.

Sigh. At least I could reassure Raina that her elf was pure.


	5. 5 Raina

Conversations

Chapter 5 - Raina

I slowly blinked my eyes as I came suddenly to full alertness. I had to pull back quickly when I opened them, because when I tried to focus on the person in front of me, my eyes hurt. This would be because said person, Elladan, was inches (if even that) from my face.

I stared at him. He had drifted off to sleep, too; yet even in sleep, his eyes were closed with a tense set about his face.

I frowned, reaching up to trace a finger across his brow and down his cheek. A soft, nearly undetectable sigh parted his lips and I could see a slight relaxing in the set of his face. Still, I wondered why his eyes were closed, and had to figure that he _might_ have been cherishing the closeness. He hadn't been _that_ tired, anyway.

We had spent some time speaking, but mostly of small, unimportant things like _'Any ideas for dinner?' 'No, Raina, not really'_ or _'Do you suppose Aragorn will be able to convince Legolas and Kel to let him go sky-diving?' 'If he does, he still has Elrohir and I to convince.'_

And then, finally, his _'Can I hold you?'_ to which, of course, I said _yes_. Why he thought he had to ask, as though not entirely sure of the answer, I'm not sure. But that is how we ended up leaning against the headboard and eventually drifting off into la-la land.

The last thing I remember is him whispering a _thank you_ and then he had grown quiet, and I, too content with his arms loosely around me, hadn't been able to think up anything to say, and then…well, I hadn't fallen asleep, I just kind of drifted off into being without _alert_ awareness. It's kind of a funky place between wakefulness and sleep, wherein my "dreams" are affected by the fact that I am still conscious of what is going on around me. It's rather strange, I tell you.

Once I "wake" from this drifting, though, I usually can't relax again. Further rest is rather futile. And I was alert again.

Slowly and carefully, I lifted his arm off me and crawled of the bed, not wishing to disturb his slumber. I padded over to the computer, pondering what to do, when all I wanted was to go back to bed, but I'd had a "nap" and it was too late in the day, yet not late enough, for sleeping. I did want to fall asleep and sleep the night through in a few hours, after all.

I checked the time, which was a solid five-thirty, then pulled up Firefox.

I soon immersed myself in the world which is Silver-Blue (it is its own world, I tell you), for it appeared Lin, Kel, and SG had all had the most interesting and amusing conversation while I was out (both out on a bike ride and then out of alertness). I hadn't meant to get so distracted, as I had dinner to figure out, so I hadn't even bothered to bring my desk chair over and sit in it. And I certainly didn't hear Elladan rise; not that he would have been making much noise, anyway. Elves.

It may be needless to mention that I was startled when his arms unexpectedly wrapped around me. His breath tickled my ear as he leaned in close and whispered softly, almost inaudibly, the three little words that meant so very much to me. He'd said them several times before, and yet every time they had my heart fluttering and racing and jerking all over the place. "I love you."

I smiled, closing my eyes and letting him pull me back to his chest and hold me close.

I wasn't sure what it was, the way he said it or the words themselves or perhaps the fact that they came from _Elladan_, the one I had _always_ loved, but I felt weak at the knees and about ready to melt when he whispered those words.

Perhaps it was that I was a hopeless romantic (with a lot of hope), or that I had always had a weakness for romance. I'd managed to hide that part of me pretty well around others, for the most part, and not show how _deeply_ I felt about it; for one thing, one of my older sisters, Abbi, had always teased me and made me feel like some kind of freak for reading "romance novels." Which was another thing entirely, because I don't read romance novels; I've read books with romance _in_ them, but it is _not_ the focus of the overall story. She refuses to listen to me about that.

I must have been busy pondering all of that, because I didn't respond right away and Elladan's whole demeanour changed. I could feel him tense up; he went rigid and his arms felt stiff around me. "Raina, how do you feel about Trelan?" he asked with a carefully measured tone.

"What? I, uh…" I blinked. I knew the answer, but the question had taken me off guard—and not so much the question itself, either, but rather it was how he had asked it; it was Elladan's guarded tone and the inflection. "He is like…like a brother to me." _He is a brother to me, isn't he?_

"If you have no feelings for Trelan in that way…" he paused, and I assumed it was to wait until I had caught his drift. Which I had _already_ caught. "Then why is he here all the time?"

I frowned, hurt by his insinuation. It bothered me, but I supposed after my own questions earlier, it was his turn to question me.

"He sticks around…" I paused, not sure of a concrete way to explain it. "He sticks around…uhm…because he does? I don't know."

"No…_particular_ reason?" he pressed.

I sighed heavily, then pulled against his hold so I could turn around and face him. "What are you wanting out of me, Elladan?" I asked instead of answering.

He looked away, his gaze restlessly settling on anything else but me.

"Look, if you're trying to ask me in some sideways kind of manner if there's something _going on_ between Trelan and I, I would think you'd know better than that." I answered as softly as I could, but there was no use _not_ being blunt about it.

His gaze snapped back to mine and he immediately seemed on the defensive. "_You_ questioned _me_," he pointed out, referring to earlier.

I had already had that thought, but…was that what this was really about? I shrugged helplessly. "So I did. And what did you do? Told me the truth."

Elladan released a sigh, then after a moment, he finally nodded.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I said as much. "So, what now?" I asked, going to step around him as I figured I might as well figure out dinner.

He gave me pause when he placed a hand on my cheek. I hesitated, turned back to him. "I just…I need to _hear_ it, Raina." He said.

I frowned. "Hear what?" I asked.

He stroked my cheek, brushed his fingers against my hair, and wouldn't meet my gaze. He seemed agitated, but his tone was level (perhaps _too_ level) when he said, "Normally when someone tells another they love them, they say…"

"I love you, too." I answered at the cautious prompting. You know, this was getting very strange. _He_ was very strange.

He nodded, then strained a smile. "Thank you."

I gave him a nod as well, but I was very confused now. I wondered about questioning him, but just as I went to open my mouth to do so, he leaned in quickly and kissed me. His hand buried in my hair and I wrapped my arms around his neck, caught off guard by the suddenness of it; and there was such force in the initial press of it, I stepped back half a step before that unexpected force quickly disappeared. It had all happened so fast, mere seconds, and I couldn't take it in.

To say I was totally baffled was an understatement, but I kind of didn't care at that moment, because all that mattered was him kissing me.

When he at last pulled back, he eased his fingers through my hair then placed his hand against my cheek. I leaned into the touch. "Raina." He said softly, and I couldn't help but smile at the way he said my name. "I—" he started, but he was cut off by the sound of borborygmus—that is, the noise your stomach makes when it rumbles and gurgles. He grinned sheepishly at me, dropping his hand from my cheek.

"Hungry, huh?" I asked. I was beginning to feel hunger pangs setting in now that I thought about it.

"I was just about to ask _you_ if you were hungry." He answered, but I wondered if I should doubt that. Who looked at someone so tenderly and said their name so softly just to ask if they were hungry? Well, according to Elladan's statement, _he_, apparently, does.

I sighed dramatically. "And I suppose that is my cue," I began. Then, I pitched my voice slightly, jokingly, as I said, as if imitating him, "Raina, go make me some food; I'm hungry!…um, I mean, _please_?" I shook my head, grinning. "Come on, let's go see what's out there."

"You seem to mistake me for my brother." He frowned at me, but nonetheless followed as I headed out the door. "I wouldn't have demanded you go make something."

"What? I did?" I asked innocently with dramatic shock. "Oh, dear me. There must've been _something_ that would cause me to have made such a mix-up… wait, I know!" I snapped my fingers, as though just remembering it. "As Tira is fond of saying, _Men, no matter the race, all they think about is food_."

"I don't think only about food!" Elladan defended, sounding rather indignant.

"Of course you don't." I answered irreverently, sending him a grin.

When I glanced back at him, though, he sent me a quick glare. "I think about other things, Raina."

"Of course you do, Dan." I replied as we entered the kitchen. I was about to ask just what he did spend his time thinking about, but he spoke before I could, and I wasn't about to interrupt.

"Why don't you call me anything else?" he asked.

I sent him a confused look, because I was really confused by that one. "What? I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

The elf shrugged, then after a moment elaborated as I turned away to open the fridge. "Tira calls Elrohir fond names, like _dear_ or _darling_, but you only ever address me the same as everyone else does."

"Um…" What, was he really offended about that? "I've called you _mi amor_ before." I pointed out.

"Once, Raina. _Once_." Elladan countered. "And that only because you had been brushing up on your study of Spanish for your foreign language class last semester. Not that I even know what it _means_."

Well, there's a shock. No, really. I would've thought if he didn't know, he would have asked. I mean, he's smart and he also knows Tira, who is the language geek; it isn't too far-fetched of me to have assumed one of three things: one, that he already knew what it meant before I said it, two, he could make a substantiated guess at it (he's not too shabby at foreign languages himself, you know), or three, that he would have asked Tira after I said it. Now, though…

I bit at my lip thoughtfully as I pondered all of it. I saw him out of the corner of my eye, watching me with a somewhat agitated look on his face. I didn't really know what to make of all this. Was he _really_ upset that I didn't have a pet name for him or…that I didn't use one often?

"So what should I call you then?" I finally asked as I opened a few cupboards, deliberating over food when I didn't really feel like eating, even though I was hungry. "If I called you _my dear_ or _darling_, wouldn't we just argue over something like me copycatting Tira?" I asked, referring to the last thing we had mock-fought over.

Rather than answering, Elladan just shrugged. But when I opened the fridge and crouched behind the door to look once again, he said quietly, "I'd rather you not call me _my dear_, actually."

"Alright." I answered slowly, confused, as I opened a drawer.

"It's just…" he said quickly. "You know, you're right. Tira uses that one a lot."

"Okay." I shrugged, eyeing the contents of the drawer. "No _dear_. Got it."

I frowned at the food, then sighed. Nothing sounded particularly inviting.

"I was just wondering why, Raina." He said, as if that dismissed it.

I reached for several items and stood back up. "I know," I answered, setting the sandwich fixings on the counter. "Mustard or mayo?" I asked, glancing briefly over at him.

He pulled a face. "You know I do not like mayo on those kinds of sandwiches."

I stuck my tongue out at him. "You're just like my dad." Because he, also, did not like his tuna fish very wet, either. Because he didn't really like mayo. "Corn or potato?" I gestured to the top of the fridge, at the chips up there.

"Corn."

Well, at least the elf had a good idea of what he wanted there, since he was being rather useless on the issue he had brought up. "Fine. You get them." I shot him a cheeky grin, gesticulating at them again.

He moved closer to do just that, but as he reached up, he wrapped an arm around my shoulders and kissed my right temple. "How about _my love_?" he whispered into my hair.

I paused, almost trembling at that form of address. Yes, I'd called him _my love_ in Spanish, but that had been in _Spanish_. In English it felt more like saying "my lover" and that was for people who…well…yeah.

I cleared my throat softly, brushing those thoughts away. "If you want me to, I will. Or I could always call you _baby_." I grinned at him and elbowed him in the side.

He pulled back, scowling at me. "No, thank you."

Yeah, I saw that one coming, but I couldn't resist teasing… "Ah, come on. Why not?" I whined lightly.

He gave me a long, unfazed look. "It's only a term of endearment here, not where I come from. It has an entirely different meaning there, and you _know_ that's what comes to mind first."

I shot him a falsely sheepish smile and stood on tiptoes to kiss his cheek, but even on tiptoes he had to lean down a little to get it. We are rather unequally matched in height, and though I'm a few inches taller than Tira, the twins still tower over both of us.

"So no terms of endearment not also present in your world. No _honey_ or _sweetie_ then? Durn. I'd waited my whole life to say that to my someone." I pouted when I dropped back to my feet.

Elladan eyed me closely for a moment, and I was almost sure he was going to question me for clarity, ask _have you?_, but then he seemed to realise I was being facetious and he shook his head as he turned away.

"Wait, hang on a second." I said, grabbing his arm. "How about that one, though?" I pressed.

He looked back at me, raising a brow. "How about what one?"

"My someone."

He shrugged, pulling back farther to lean against the counter.

"You know, that song." I continued as I turned back to the sandwiches I had been assembling. "From _The Music Man_. Do you remember?"

"_Goodnight, My Someone_." He supplied the name of the song, indicating he remembered.

"Yes, that one." I opened the silverware drawer. "Want it cut?" I asked.

"Sure."

"Er…you want _two_, don't you?"

He seemed to pause, then said, "Yes, please."

I snorted, chuckling. "You guys eat _so_ _much_. What, does it run in your family?"

Elladan didn't bother to respond to the jibe, didn't rise to the teasing. I glanced over my shoulder at him. He had glanced away and had focused on some point only he knew, with a distant expression on his face and pensiveness in his eyes.

"Hey, you alright?"

He looked back at me. "Yes."

"Are you sure?" I pressed, because I was not convinced.

"Yes." It was slight, but I caught the small pause, the momentary hesitation.

I eyed him for a second, then turned back. I couldn't force him to tell me otherwise, so there was no point in pressing the issue.

I was just about done with his second sandwich he asked quietly, "Raina, you don't care for Trelan that way, but what are his feelings for you?"

We were back to that subject again?

I shrugged. "I dunno," I answered slowly as I ran the knife through the last sandwich and then paused, thinking it over. "I really don't think there's anything there on his part past friends, Elladan." And I meant that honestly. "In fact," a wicked grin spread across my face as I turned to face him. "I have a hunch that he _really_ likes—" I coughed a certain name into my hand like it was some kind of secret and was rewarded with a small smile from my elf.

"However," I continued as I turned back to grab our plates, "if he does actually care for me that way, which I do not think is so, it'd suck, but it wouldn't matter to me in that way. I do not reciprocate those feelings. I love you." I looked up at him, saying this very honestly.

"How much do you love me?" He sounded conversational as he took his plate from my hand, but (and maybe this was just my imagination) there seemed to be more there than just having a casual conversation.

Which then made me briefly consider if maybe he was asking these questions for something more, that maybe this had something to do with whatever he planned on eventually telling me…which made me think that it must be something of the nature of that which he kept bringing up. That is, love. I took a deep breath and told myself to prepare for whatever he was going to tell me whenever he gets around to it.

"Profoundly," I finally answered, unsure how to put my feelings to words. "Uhm. Too deeply to be measured? Are there even words?" I stated uncertainly.

He shrugged, but he seemed to accept my answer.

"Why all these questions?" I asked, tilting my head at him as he headed for a chair at the kitchen table. "What, are planning to ask me to _marry_ you?" I teased facetiously as I set my plate down on the counter.

Elladan gave a jerk, jumping. He whirled back around to me, eyes wide and looking rather flustered. "_What_?"

I held up my free hand as I opened a cupboard to grab a glass. "Hey, calm down. I was just joking." I rolled my eyes, grinning as I opened the fridge again to get filtered water from the Brita pitcher.

He turned away then, slowly setting his plate down on the table. He seemed to be eyeing his food. "I'm not _not_ calm," he shot back. "Just that…" He trailed off, then I caught him mumble something in Sindarin. "Turich hebo mill nin cin gweriant im?"

"Hey, Elladan, I was _joking_." I really had been. What was his problem? Seriously.

I came over then, set my plate and glass down at the corner seat of the table, right beside him. I reached out and touched his arm, only to notice that he seemed tense. Worried I had somehow offended him, I dropped my hand and asked anxiously, "Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine." He answered, shooting his eyes over to me and offering me a small smile.

"Alright." I shrugged and sat down. "Let's say grace."

"Raina." He said, grinning wickedly as he sat down, too. "Now, let's eat."

I narrowed my eyes at him in confusion. "Er, no. Say grace, Elladan."

"Grace." There it was again, that cheeky grin.

I rolled my eyes. "Never should have let you watch _Hook_. Fine, I'll say grace."

I heard a choked, quiet laugh as we bent our heads, and I shot him a bemused, slightly amused look before I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer of thanks.

"_Now_ let's eat." He said dramatically, as if he'd been waiting _forever_ to eat.

"So impatient," I teased. Truthfully, I couldn't care much about the food, as I was hungry but not feeling inclined to eat.

"You know, the Jews say the prayer _after_ the meal," he pointed out impertinently.

"Yes, I am aware of that. But as long as you are under _my_ roof, you play by my rules," I laughed, sticking my tongue out at him, enjoying the mock-disagreement.

"Alright, as long as it is _your_ roof," he shot back with a mocking, impudent look at me. Then he seemed to find his food intensely interesting, for he turned to his sandwiches and ate with apparent concentration and didn't make another comment.

I shook my head. _Men and their food._ It was a wonder he remembered his manners and didn't just inhale his dinner.

I quickly finished my own, forcing it down. I hadn't touched the chips, but Elladan had, and so when I stood up, I smacked him on the back of the head and said, "That's for stealing my water, cheeky blighter. And you get to put up the chips."

He shrugged, flashing me a devil-may-care grin.

"Insolent fool," I muttered as I carried my plate into the kitchen and put it in the empty dishwasher. I started putting the food away, and after a moment he got up and came over, tossing the bag of chips up on to the fridge. "Yeah, that's it. Turn them all to crumbs, why don't ya?"

Elladan just smiled, stepping in close to me. Like always, my heart raced with his proximity, a sort of buzz racing all over my skin. He came in so close, I nearly stepped back involuntarily, and I had to tilt my head back to look up at him. He brushed his fingers against my cheek and my breath caught.

He just watched me closely, and I didn't know what to make of his look, so finally, quietly because my breath wasn't right, I asked, "What?"

A half smile turned the corner of his mouth. "I adore you, do you know that?" He asked softly as he ran his fingers across my cheek, and I felt what must've been a blush travelling up my face, embarrassed at his attention and the tenderness that softened his voice and eyes and face.

I closed my eyes, feeling very self-conscious under that look. I felt a shift in the air that told me he was leaning in and then his lips brushed mine, then he was cradling mine with his and I felt unsteady. He stroked my cheek with the back of his fingers before he pulled away and pressed a kiss to my forehead.

Then he stepped back, his gaze glancing over my face and a smile turning his mouth.

I breathed shakily and opened and closed my mouth, trying to get my brain to function properly. His smile widened and I finally settled on sticking my tongue out at him, pouting. The nift knew he'd flustered me, and his smile seemed more like a gloat in and of itself.

"Oh come on," I said, brushing past him and heading back to my room.

Elladan followed me silently, and I was sure he still had that smugly self-satisfied look on his face.

I was wondering, again, what to do now as we re-entered my room, but Elladan pushed past me, pressing a hand against my arm to signal me to follow. He went over to my bed and plopped down on his back, glancing back at me and patting the place beside him in invitation.

I hesitated a second as I slowly came over. I trusted Elladan, I did; I trusted him to not try anything, and I knew him to be very honourable. But _laying_ on my bed with him? It seemed so _intimate_. And it was intimacy that scared me, although I _tried_ to not let that trip me up; yet, sometimes, it had been difficult to adjust to some of the intimacies we already shared.

I swallowed back what was surely misplaced nervousness and crawled on to the bed. I reminded myself that Elladan had never done anything to make me mistrustful of him, in fact he seemed to do everything he could to ensure I _did_ trust him; did I really think he'd infringe that now? Of course not.

As I laid down on my back, he turned on to his side, eyeing me. My heart raced and I swallowed again. Um, maybe this had been a bad idea… And when he reached out a hand and brushed his fingers against my cheek, I almost sprang off the bed.

He must have seen something of my uneasiness on my face, heard my quiet yet sharp intake of breath, for he quickly snatched back his hand. "Shh." He whispered, holding his hand up where I could see it. "Raina, I wouldn't do that."

And even though his voice was sincere, not hurt or accusatory, I felt like a slug then for my involuntary reaction, for my discomfort. "I know," I said softly, feeling ashamed, hoping he could see something of my apology on my face.

"Hey, hey," he soothed gently. "It's alright, Raina. If this makes you uncomfortable, that's alright. I can move." He shifted to do just that, and I quickly reached out a hand.

"Wait, Dan. No, it's alright. I'm sorry."

He turned back to me. "Don't apologise. There's nothing to be sorry for," he whispered softly, watching me with a sorrow that I _knew_ didn't come from the situation or upset for his sake…but he hurt for _me_. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable, Raina."

I sighed, dropping my hand from his arm to his own hand, trying to curl my fingers through his. "I don't want that," I whispered. "I don't want that, Elladan. I don't want them to hold sway." I looked up at him earnestly. "Please don't move. Just…let me adjust." I breathed deeply and looked away.

After a moment, he settled back down beside me and I sent him a grateful look before I let my gaze travel to the ceiling, trying to relax with him right beside me, so close, yet respectfully distant, and it felt so intimate and perhaps I really was guy shy.

We grew quiet then, and I could see him watching me, restless gaze flickering between the bed and my face at random intervals. He supported his head on one hand and he'd turned my hand over with the other and was running his index finger over my palm, making my fingers twitch involuntarily.

"That tickles," I said softly, smiling up at the ceiling.

He smiled what seemed almost wistfully, his eyes glued to our hands, but he didn't stop drawing swirls and shapes on my hand. Finally, he brushed all of his fingers across my palm, uncurling my own fingers. He laced his fingers through mine and picked up my hand, bringing it up to his face to kiss my palm.

"I'm serious, Elladan. That tickles." I admonished, glancing over at him.

I felt the smile tugging at his lips and I could see his eyes glittering as he looked back at me. Gently, teasingly, he exhaled softly against my palm, and I almost jerked my hand out of his in reflex as he harassed the obviously sensitized nerves.

"Stop it," I whined. "_Please_."

"Well, since you said please." He said quietly, dropping my hand. "Just be glad I didn't _really_ tickle you," he stated casually, but with enough mischief in his eyes to communicate the threat.

"Don't you dare." I stated firmly. "I'll go." I threatened right back.

"Don't go." He inserted quietly.

I glanced up at him, trying to decipher what it was he was thinking, feeling, what was in his eyes. "What is it?" I asked in a soft tone.

"Raina, this…this is something that…" he kept starting and stopping, his restless gaze roaming around the room in sudden agitation. "It…might be hard for you to hear. Truthfully, I'm almost afraid to tell you."

I rather suspected that there should be no "almost" in that sentence. I watched him for a moment, then asked, "Why would you be afraid to tell me? What is it you fear?"

"I fear a lot of things," he admitted, his gaze flickering back to me, "but what I fear most is losing you."

The cryptic statement made my heart skip a few beats. I couldn't even answer, and if I had tried, I doubt anything coherent would have come out. My mind was a dark blur, spinning around and hypothesizing over all the sundry possibilities of how and why he would "lose me."

He could be afraid of me dying; that seemed a plausible and understandable one. After all, he had simply answered the question as it was, and it didn't necessarily _have_ to have anything to do with what he had been saying before.

I was still puzzling it out when he started speaking again. "I was once…" he started, then stopped again, fumbling for words. "I had once been…" he tried again, but couldn't get the thought out. Instead, he trailed off to mutter a frustrated phrase in elvish that sounded like, "Am man theled garo-ní tarias lamed nia hé?"

Not that I knew what that meant. I was slowly learning Sindarin, but I had had so much else to do since they got back, that it had had to be kind of a backburner hobby. What few lessons I had had so far, I'd been _told_ I was grasping pretty well (but having native speakers who knew your language too teaching you probably helps). I knew words and simple translations, but not very much; however, from what I _could_ understand of his sentence, I think I got the gist of what he was saying.

The next moment, though, all incongruous thoughts of translations flew from my mind. His words hit me like a ton of bricks, shell-shocking me, and I couldn't think or remember anything else. Heck, it even felt like my heart stopped beating and my lungs froze. His quiet voice had stilled me completely when he said, "I was once infatuated with someone who led me on."


	6. 6 Tira

Conversations

Chapter 6 - Tira

Trelan had disappeared back into the woods after we arrived home from our downtown jaunt. I wonder what it is that keeps him here in America, if he misses the forest so much. I got on the computer and checked my mail, wrote a few paragraphs and went onto SB. When I longingly looked toward my bed, I saw Elrohir sprawled across it, taking up every available centimetre.

The only way I would be able to get a spot in it would be to push him aside but this is an absolutely fruitless endeavour, much akin to attempting blowing out an electric lamp –it simply doesn't work. Nonetheless, I tried it. I was tired! I wanted to sleep!

I managed to move his leg and went up to move his arm, only to find he had put his leg back. The brat was playing games! Apparently I should never have confessed I liked his childish side, for it has condemned me to sleepless nights.

Finally I gave up and sat back in my chair, putting my feet up on the second chair. Not the most comfortable of sleeping places, but doable. I guess I truly did fall asleep like that, because the next thing I knew the brat elf was picking me up and laying me on the bed. Sometimes his guilty conscience gets the better of him. As per the usual arrangement he pulled my blankets up around me and then turned on my A/C. I like the room cold, as long as I have my blankets. It's sort of strange. What surprised me is what he did next, laying down beside me, only on top of the blankets. He'd never done that before. I looked at him and he gave me one of those rare sad smiles.

"I never did finish telling you why Elladan is as he is."

"More like you never really started." I replied.

"Hon emel hollen…he feels alone because of _her_."

"Ok, three questions: first, why does he feel alone? Second, who is 'her'?" I pressed at Elrohir's hesitation. "And third, why does he close his heart?"

He hesitated, searching my face for something, though I have no clue what. Perhaps an idea as to how much I wanted to know? Who I was asking it _for_ (me or Raina)? Finally he sighed and brushed his fingers over my cheek before continuing with an explanation.

"She was the love of his life, and mine." A wry smile. "Yes, we fought over her at one point. But she strung us along. Alas, it was not meant to be, for she simply…she…used him. Used us."

I was speechless. First off, he had told me only several hours earlier that he had not truly been in love until me. Now he was saying this mysterious 'she' had been the love of his _and _Elladan's lives? And the major third point, someone had used my elf…_my_ elf? How dare she! "Why then have you recovered and Elladan…tears himself up over it?" I asked the safest question first. I didn't want to put him off by being jealous, or demanding on the relationship front.

"Believe me, I went through my time. Then you came along. I have not yet…gotten over it in full." As is my wont, I blushed. He reached out a hand and stroked my cheek tenderly once more, and I leaned into his hand. I love to have my face stroked…it's very calming to me.

He continued. "Elladan and I, we were both hurting quite badly. But Elladan has always felt things so much more than I. Deep inside he is very fragile. I use games and jokes to mask my feelings."

"Elladan fragile?" I said. Thinking about it I could see it. He always did have this quiet feel to him…it is the only word I can think to use, though it does not quite measure up to what the real thing I felt in Elladan was. "What then of you? You are always laughing."

"It is how I survive." Elrohir turned on his back. I wanted to see his face while we talked, so this movement forced me to sit up out of my cosy cocoon and hover over him. He had closed his eyes and I know I saw a tear escape. I lightly brushed this tear away and he caught my hand in his. "You saved me, you know. You scared me so much, because when I first saw you I was undeniably attracted, yet I refused to feel anything. I couldn't face such rejection again."

"I would never!" I whispered. "I could never do such a thing."

"I truly…don't know what I would ever do…when you fell from that cliff? That kiss Raina set up…adar telling me it couldn't be so." He was stumbling from thought to thought, but I understood most of what he meant.

"Elrohir, I promise to you I will never leave you as long as it is in my power." I don't know if my words had any effect, for he kept talking, continuing his ramblings in Sindarin. I did mean my promise though. I, too, was scared of losing him.

He must have drifted into a restless sleep, for he ceased his mutterings, but I was now wide awake. These new developments were…shocking, to say the least. Getting up, I went over to the computer. Turning the screen on, I immediately opened up my email and began writing to Raina of all this. Our little problem with Elladan had escalated into a twin-fiasco.

By all means, I had not expected Elrohir to be hiding a secret like this. His outward demeanour was one of happiness, and this made me wonder how little I really knew of Elrohir, the elf that had once told his father he would gladly face exile for me. To say the least, such declarations scared me to pieces, because the emotional attachment he was now confessing to was beyond that of the simple crush I had believed it to be. I have always loved him, and my love has only grown since meeting, but this was beyond what I had expected, beyond anything I could rationally deal with alone.

I sent my email off, but I was still not satisfied. Lying beside him again, I simply watched him sleep, wondering what was going through his head. This was too much for me to absorb, too absurd to believe. I finally could not sit there and watch him any longer and I went outside. To my surprise, Trelan was on the porch and not in a tree as I had expected of him, almost as if he was waiting for me.

"So he told you then?" the elf said. This floored me.

"You knew? The whole story?"

"The basics. That girl was one of my many cousins." He looked to me, grinning. "She caused a lot of havoc in Imladris with those two."

"It's not funny," I replied and his grin disappeared. "This is in fact undeniably serious. What am I supposed to do?"

"Keep him close. Really, Tira, you can't think of withdrawing from him because of this, it will shatter him."

"Are you giving me love-lessons?" I asked.

Trelan thought a moment. "No, I am simply trying to help some friends out of a rut."

"And what do I do about Elladan?"

"Leave him in Raina's capable hands, I would think."

"And besides, I would never think of running away from this. I…I just can't. My own heart feels nigh to breaking for his pain. I never knew, Trelan. How could I not see it?"

"Because Elrohir has always been very good at hiding things. Elladan is a little more transparent about certain subjects, as he allowed it to come out in all that writing. But Ro…he's a tough nut to crack."

"How did you get to be so wise?"

"It comes from having all that family, someone had to keep their head."

"And it just happened to be you, did it? Well, I am glad for it."

"Of course, everyone is."

"Don't go getting a big head, now."

"Me? I would never!"

"Sure, sure." I waved a hand, passing that comment off as ridiculous. We sat together in silence, looking up at the clouds. This made me think of the coming night, and the stars that were going to be there, for it was one of those rare nights when a meteor shower was to take place. I wondered what Trelan thought of the difference in the celestial bodies. I remembered from our own time there what it was like. They were so much more clear, very defined. Beautiful. Did it make the elves miss Middle-Earth all the more, not having familiar stars to see?

Two arms suddenly wrapped around me and hugged me tightly. I felt Elrohir lay his head atop mine, just allowing the embrace to remain. The touch seemed to comfort the both of us, and I did not move. I did reach up one hand to touch his face, and he kissed it; my hand, that is.

"I am sorry, my love, for having poured this upon you. It is not a burden you should have to bear."

"Elrohir, I am glad you confided in me. How long do you think you could have hidden this? What form would it have eventually taken? Elladan uses self-punishment, he writes himself into near-death situations, almost as if he desires that to happen. But how would you have dealt with it? A mask can only hide something for so long."

"I know, and I fear for what may have come. I do not know how I would have reacted eventually, only that I am grateful it did not occur."

"Just remember, Ro, that I am here for you. I have no intentions of going anywhere, despite your father's objections to such a thing."

"Father simply did not want me to be hurt again, to be broken. He sees what it has done to Elladan and he does not want to lose either of us."

"To which I can understand."

He placed a kiss on my hair then stood tall. I tilted my head back to look at him and saw he was looking down in return. Giving the other chair a glance, I was surprised to see Trelan had left silently. These elves and their silence, it is both creepy and amazing.

"I love you, Tira," Elrohir said quietly. My breath caught in my chest. He had never said this in words, though many times he had shown it with actions. For him to overcome whatever block he had to say it gave me confidence.

"Dearest best beloved…there are no words that can say what I feel," I began. "Except perhaps, the simplest of them all, and those are that I love you in return."

He came to kneel in front of me and took my hands in his. What I saw then in his eyes was complete thanks and devotion. For once I did not feel completely frightened of such things, as I had in the past. Before Elrohir I was rather timid, and not one for meaningful relationships.

"Mín míl…an-uir?" He asked in a whisper. _Our love…for eternity…_

"A athan." I replied. _And beyond…_

He leaned in and kissed me then, something we have not shared since Middle-Earth. It was beautiful, and the best part was that he instigated it this time, and not Raina.

When I finally pulled back, he just sat and watched me. As much as I did love him, and was there for him, I still had to ask that one bothersome question that wouldn't leave me alone.

"You said…earlier, when I asked…you said that you had not loved anyone truly until me."

"Yes, and it is true."

"But you also said, in there, that she had been the love of your life. Your life _and_ Elladan's. So, which is it?"

His face looked troubled as he thought over my questions. When he moved away from me to go sit in Trelan's vacated chair I felt a brief sense of…loss…as if he was running away from me, all because I wanted to know if his love was true.

"I don't…" He sighed. "I love you, Cassandra. Isn't that enough?"

_Cassandra_? His use of my proper name echoed in my thoughts. Elrohir had _never_ called me Cassandra, because he knew, after that horrible summer, how much I detested it. Just then I found it sad and pathetic that he knew infinitely more about my life than I did about his, aside from what I had read and observed.

I knew he was waiting for an answer. His had not been a rhetorical question, and I had to tell him something.

"No, it's not enough." I finally replied.

His sigh made my heart constrict. "Why? Why isn't it enough?"

"Because, Elrohir, you told me one thing and now you're telling me another, and then expecting me to be okay with that. It's not okay." I turned in my seat to look at him. "I _love_ you. I've always loved you. I was _honest_ with you, and you know it. Maybe not completely when I was in Imladris, but when you came here I was _honest_."

He buried his face in his hands and I wondered if he was crying, but he sighed again and then looked at me, his face an unreadable mask.

"I love you Tira. I do, and I'm not at all sorry about it. But I once upon a time considered myself in love with her, as well. Was it true love? No, I don't think it was. I think it was more jealousy of Elladan than anything else."

"Then why couldn't you just _say_ that, instead of deflecting with another question about your love for me?" I asked.

"Because I don't do well with personal questions." He said so quietly I almost missed it. "I don't like letting people in. That's why I laugh and joke, why I wear masks to hide the real me. I don't want people, I don't want _you_ to know who I really am."

I sat back and closed my eyes. I couldn't look at him right then, I couldn't…understand. No, that's a lie. I _understood_ perfectly fine…but I didn't want to accept. I was, apparently, not good enough to know the real Elrohir, and that hurt me.

"I see." I answered eventually.

"I want to trust you, Cassie, I really do."

"_Do not_ call me that." I sighed.

"It's your name, and I will call you that."

"It is _a_ name, and it is not a name I like. You know why, and yet you will insist on doing so? How would you like if I insisted on making you tell me what it is you are hiding? If I dug around until I found all those little pieces of your soul that you don't want me to see and exploited them for my own gain? It's not a pleasant thought, is it."

He remained silent, but I knew he was still there. I could hear him breathing.

"You know why I dislike being called that name. Please abide by my request to not use it."

"Please, Tira, don't be angry."

"I'm not, Ro. I'm hurt. And yes, maybe I am a little angry, but that's because you hurt me. Hurt and anger often go hand in hand. I just wish you could trust me. I wish Elladan could trust Raina. We are not the enemy."

I didn't look at him when I stood up, just went back into the house. I didn't want to look at him. I hope he just took my words and actually _listened_.


	7. 7 Raina

Conversations

Chapter 7 - Raina

"Raina?" Someone was shaking me by my shoulders and cuffing my face. "Raina? Come _on_. Raina, _breathe_!"

It felt as if somebody had dropped an anchor on my chest and an invisible hand had squeezed the air out of my lungs, but dimly awareness of his worried voice filtered through and when it finally clicked, I arched up, gasping for air. I was gently restrained and I collapsed back against the bed, breathing in as I wondered what in the world had happened.

What, had I just passed out? Didn't that only happen in books? Once before, my vision had darkened and threatened to go completely black, send me into unconsciousness, but something like this had never happened.

For a second, as I blinked Elladan back into focus and I stared blankly up at the concerned elf leaning over me, I scrambled to register what had happened.

_I was once infatuated…I was once…was once…_

His words came back, rushing me, but this time the hurt and the shock that had first barrelled into me so hard I'd fainted or passed out or almost did…whatever…the point is they didn't have quite such a knock to them as they did before.

Then, for a moment, his face blurred as my eyes stung with tears, but I blinked and they disappeared. It'd never been easy to start crying or keep crying without _speaking_ first about whatever the issue was, as that usually was what it took for me to actually cry about it.

I felt…betrayed? I felt betrayed. Betrayed that he hadn't told me sooner, let me make the _assumption_ that I had been the _only_ one for him to set his sights on…but I also knew he hadn't told me because he knew how sensitive I was and he didn't want to hurt me. And the focus of betrayal shifted from Elladan to myself; that I would be so soft-hearted that he thought me unapproachable in this, that my own sensitivity would cause him to keep bottling up his pain and stay in his shell.

But keeping it inside had only hurt him _more_. Because he had not wanted to hurt _me_, to offend _my_ sensitivity.

There was a small flame of anger growing in my heart as I tried to assimilate everything. I was hurt and grieved, and it all felt so overwhelming. I wasn't entirely sure what my anger was toward, it was just there, and it was fuelled by the sick pain in my heart, so I tried to squash it.

As all these thoughts swirled around, taking mere seconds to pass through my mind, Elladan sat back and let out a relieved sigh. "Don't do that, Raina." He spoke softly but with genuine concern in his voice.

I glanced up at him, a trifle sharply, as I still tried to assess and take stock of my own confused thoughts and emotions. One look at his face was enough to know that I had scared him, and I knew why. A few years ago, when I was sixteen and he and the rest of his group made their first trip to my world, we were all together at Tira's place and Dragaer and his happy-go-lucky baddies decided it was good fun to attack us again and hold us captive.

At some point in the initial confusion and attack, I'd fallen (or had I been shoved?) into the pond and I'd been trapped beneath the surface. And yes, I had been nearly certain I was going to die then, as it was dark and everyone was so scattered; who would know I was drowning?

The last coherent thing I remembered before finally succumbing was a blurry, dim glowing shape above the water, moving swiftly in my direction. When I came to again, it was wet and shivering to a pale, terrified, and also wet Elladan leaning over me, having rescued me, expelled the water from my lungs, and given me mouth-to-mouth when I hadn't readily wanted to breathe again.

It sounded like a cheesy, cliché movie moment, but he had always been my hero, even though he hadn't known it.

Elladan had once told me, when I'd been up from nightmares and found him reading in the living room, that that night still haunted him. I, also, remembered all the details of everything that _had_ happened that night, and I am _not_ just talking about nearly drowning.

I didn't want to think about that. And I knew I needed to get away, to be alone, to try to work through my fragmented thoughts. I could very well blow a top or something equally unsavoury if I don't have a moment after this shocking news to get my head back on straight.

I didn't trust my voice, so I sat up and went to move off the bed.

"Raina, wait." Elladan requested, touching my arm. Obligingly, I turned back to him. He took one look at my face and his shoulders slumped, his gaze crestfallen. "I've gone and done exactly what I _didn't_ want to do. I've hurt you."

I looked away, not sure how to answer. I was too conflicted, too -as he had picked up on- _hurt_.

I didn't have an answer to him, so I shook off his hand and stood up.

"Raina, _please_ wait." He pleaded as I crossed the room. There was an obvious tenor of pain and fear to his tone, and I didn't suppose I could readily ignore it.

So I paused at the door, my hand on the knob.

"Raina, I…" he started, but like so many other times today, he could not finish the thought.

When he did not immediately continue or give me some reason _to_ stay, I turned the knob and opened the door. As I left and turned to head down the hall, out of the corner of my eye I briefly caught him flopping back dejectedly on to my bed, putting a hand to his face.

"_Damn_ it," I heard him angrily curse all of this, but I continued down the hall.

I was not only dealing with all this hurt and anger itself, but also fighting to keep the walls from reconstructing around my heart. Sealing myself up in a shell, hiding behind some kind of barricade which does little more than cage me, burying my heart deep down—this was not what I needed. I had spent years doing that, from a very young age as the only means I knew to cope, but it had done nothing more than keep my heartache locked up inside of me and make me miserable.

It had taken so much work to get out, to break those walls down, and so great was my relief when I finally figured out how to rid myself of my self-made prison, I vowed I would never let it happen again.

I just wished that Elladan…Elladan knew better. Hiding away serves no purpose but to ultimately hurt us more and leave us alone with everything plaguing us inside. It was little wonder to see what it was all doing to him, the way whatever haunted him was tearing him inside. It is about all that hiding is good for—in the end, it tears us apart.

I wasn't really paying attention to where I was going, just let my feet carry me unconsciously out the door and across the yard to the tree out front near the far corner, up by the street. This tree is actually rather fascinating, as it is technically _two_ trees which grew up beside each other and twisted around one another to form one trunk. It's pretty spiffy.

My younger sister, Chris, and I had given it the name "the love tree" when I got the house, simply because of the way it looked. It reminded us of that.

Here, I stopped. I went to the far side of the trunk and leaned against it, my back to the house and my face turned towards the setting sun. I eyed the world around me for a few silent moments, occasionally feeling the sting of tears, but they vanished quickly and never fell.

See, I didn't know what to make of all this. Not only did it hurt to think that my impression of Elladan, of our relationship was wrong, but I suspected there was more and since this was only the tip of the iceberg, everything else will be worse. Because, while being led on hurts, I am not certain that was enough to account for all the hurt tearing him apart. So I had to suspect there was more, a lot more, and that with each revelation, the new one would be worse than the one before it.

And yet…isn't that how these things work?

I sighed heavily. There was no sense in all of these thoughts, no sense in standing out here. It was growing dark and I had never liked being outside so late alone, as I did not trust that there weren't creeps hanging around nearby. Even though I live in a halfway decent neighbourhood, that doesn't mean there aren't creeps in the neighbourhood over (which there are) and that they might just decide to head this way.

So I turned away and headed out back, latching the fence behind me and hauling the soft mat I usually practice martial arts on out into the yard. It's not exactly light, but I had been hauling it around for awhile and I had a method. I still preferred _help_, but…well, I didn't have any.

After laying the mat out, I quickly finished setting up what I needed. Mainly, a punching bag, because I just needed to pound on something for a while. It's very therapeutic, I've found; I've always heard that stress is what happens when one cannot engage in the body's natural desire to clobber some idiot. Since beating on people is not a wise or encouraged course of action at any point in time, except in self-defense, a punching bag to lay into instead works wonders on one's stress level.

I slipped off my shoes and socks and took a moment to breathe deeply. I needed this to distract me, something to help release the tension from all of my turmoil. I stretched briefly, but since I didn't anticipate anything more than abusing some lifeless bag, I quickly laid to with all the vehemence I usually kept so under wraps and curbed.

See, I preferred self-control and poise. Even if I was the furthest thing from graceful beauty. No, I was a klutzy ditz, and I knew it.

Eh, not that it mattered overly much. I suppose. But pounding away at this punching bag—now, there was definitely something to that. Having a good workout is excellent for clearing the brain or, at the very least, draining turmoil through one's exertion.

My world had narrowed to my scattered, burning thoughts, such that I wasn't even sure what I was really thinking anymore. Or feeling for that matter. Angry, hurt, scared. Quite satisfied with hitting something. As mentioned, it's therapeutic for me when it's safe.

Such was my focus, though, that I made the critical error of not paying enough attention to my surroundings. I shouldn't have _had_ to, but that's neither here nor there. I'd let down my guard and there's always a price to pay when one does that.

It happened far too quickly.

I sensed a presence behind me a split second before arms suddenly wrapped around me. The grip came around my neck, the weight of arms against my collarbone, and I didn't even think; I reacted automatically.

I vehemently rammed my right elbow back into my assailant and my defense was satisfied with a surprised grunt. My mind was running the gamut of fight or flight instincts, which were split-second reactions that didn't even have to register with me first. I had already dropped down into a partial crouch, to make myself harder to pick up, and I threw my other elbow into my attacker.

Turning slightly with the second jab, I shifted my weight and moved into a kick. My resistance seemed to have startled my accoster, but as I swung out with my foot, the other seemed to recover enough to instinctively react as well and release and pull back from the attack.

Such fast reflexes should have clued me in, but only a series of defensive instincts blanked out my brain as conscious thought quit being helpful. Details like that, and height and glow, did not consciously register in my mind as a _hey, wait a second!_ epiphany.

That aside, it was his faster reflexes that kept him from a nasty kick to the groin, but I caught him in the thigh nonetheless. There was a sharp hiss as my reward, but I was hardly thinking about that anymore. I followed through one attack with another and I tailed the kick with a right hook to the face.

It seemed that my assailant hadn't quite recovered from his shock and it was this fact, despite his faster reflexes, and my lack of putting a coherent thought together that had the end result of me decking Elladan in the mouth without even realising it was _him_.

He stumbled back and I followed after, instinctively trying to get him closer to my level. I swung another punch at him, fear-induced overdrive pounding adrenaline and primitive instincts throughout my system. I was already upset and having been grabbed from behind had set me off.

My assailant snatched at my wrist, but I was prepared for that move and I slid my hand away from it and latched on to _his_ exposed wrist with my other. He jerked, obviously knowing where this was leading, but my grip was tight and I bent his arm and spun around behind him, wrenching his shoulder as I caught him in the arm lock. Using my free hand, I grabbed his elbow and pulled, applying the right pressure and angle to force him to his knees.

As though accepting the inevitability of the move and gracefully resigning himself to defeat, he dropped without any extra fight. I was not prepared for the sudden lack of resistance and I had followed through with the completion of the move, wrenching on his elbow.

"_Raina_!" he cried out my name and it brought my mind screeching to a halt. I froze, holding him in the lock as he knelt at my feet.

And I just stood there, panting, my breathing heavy and harsh in my ears. Wasn't I breathing way harder than I should have been for such a short-lived fight? But the daft idiot had grabbed me from _behind_; I hated having men at my back when I'd been startled. The panic of trauma and memories I scarcely recalled remembering had heightened my response.

Now, I tried to come back down from the panicked high. I quickly released him and pulled back. I stared in horror at his kneeling form, his back still towards me. He slowly straightened, then deftly jumped to his feet in a move so smooth it was liquid. Had I even hurt him at all?

He turned to me, his face sad. I shook my head, horrified that I had just tried to assault my…boyfriend? Elf? Friend? I didn't know what to call him.

I suddenly felt empty and alone and very, very wretched. I trembled slightly as my emotions depleted and fizzled out, leaving me feeling numb. I hated that feeling. It made me feel…pointless.

I stared at him, frantically searching his face for some clue, something to hold on to, but I didn't know how to place the expression he wore. He looked so sad and hurt, as though for me, and with such a look of quiet pining it confused me beyond anything I'd felt yet. Why did he look at me so longingly and why was it so broken and wistful?

I wanted him to hold me, wanted him to kiss me and touch me and make it all fade from my mind, but I couldn't move. Didn't _want_ to move. I was terrified to be held.

I'd split his lip when I punched him earlier. I just now noticed. You know, how lovely. Sheesh, I'm not a psycho, am I? Go all psychotic, and _why_? Because the man I loved had touched me, tried to hold me?

"What were you doing?" I finally asked instead of voicing any of the varied and tumultuous thoughts giving me a thorough haranguing.

"I just…" he started then abruptly paused. He licked his lip then swiped a hand at his mouth gingerly, dabbing at the blood. After a moment, he flashed a smile, but I almost swore for a second that it was forced. "Apparently something sneaky." He said this facetiously, and in the fading light I thought his eyes were twinkling as he teased me. "But not dastardly. Definitely not."

Where had the wrench of heartache's longing gone? It had vanished from his face and retreated from his eyes.

What in the world…?

Elladan shifted, stepping closer and I shook off these thoughts. "D-don't," I said softly, raising my hands a little as if to ward him off before I even thought about it. I couldn't explain it as coherently as I would have liked, but I both wanted him close and wanted him to stay as far away as he was now, if not more.

He faltered, withdrawing again. That flippant smile had dropped from his face and I sensed a graver air settle about him again. I tried to decipher what he was feeling, but everything seemed so foreign and removed from me.

There was pain, sure. And confusion, though what had him confused, I didn't know. And something quieter, deeper that kept at him.

I wished I understood him better. Alas, he was the proverbial riddle wrapped in an enigma right now.

"Raina, what…" he seemed to fumble with his words for a moment, deliberating over a brief grapple with hesitation. "What is it you _need_?"

I stared at him, caught off guard by this sudden question. It seemed a complete volte-face from all of the lead-up. I tried to decipher it, but it was like my brain had decided that it was never again going to focus on anything else because nothing else was important except all the horrible things trying to haunt me.

What of all the horrible things that _were_ haunting Elladan? How could he ask what I needed when clearly _he_ was the one who needed something drastic and big and needed to give me a clue about all of this?

"Uh…" Yeah, that was real intelligent. I struggled to figure out my own thoughts, trying to understand what he had even asked me. His question had seemed to mean one thing, with one answer, but then, in light of everything else, all the lead-up, all the strangeness of this day, it suddenly struck me as being very loaded.

Elladan sighed, his gaze flickering away from me and I saw him clench his jaw, as though agitated. His lips parted, he breathed a word or two, but I couldn't catch the sound. Then his dark eyes locked back on mine. "Raina?" he pressed.

I opened my mouth, tried to assemble something to say, came up empty again. I shrugged helplessly at him. The elf had totally thrown me a loaded question, I knew it, and he expected me to be able to respond effortlessly to it? I got the impression he meant much more than he had _seemed_ to mean and there was no way I was going to be able to answer that question without a little more thought to my words.

I heard him sigh heavily through his nose again, the muscles in his jaw shifted. Then he asked, with an attempt at patience, "Can I at least approach you?"

Slowly, I nodded. Inwardly, his question woke me up a little. What was I doing? Letting something in my past that was exactly that -_past_- hold sway? I squelched it all back down where it belonged, out of controlling me.

He came over to me then and I resisted the horribly strong urge to back away from him. He towered over me as he looked down at me and I swallowed a little nervously. He reached out to me then, his right index finger hooking under my chin lightly as he eyed me.

_What are you thinking, you drat_—

"I don't want to hurt you. You _must_ understand that."

I stared at him and once more gave him a slow nod. I did understand that. I mean, I _knew_ that. I could recall times when he had _thought_ he'd hurt me and it had driven him crazy. One time in particular suddenly came to mind, several years ago, after we had dealt with Dragaer and his goons, and due to things too uncomfortable to think about I had unintentionally been avoiding Elladan. It had not been his fault _at all_, but the silly elf had thought it was anyway. Thought he had done something.

I was suddenly standing in the guest bedroom in Tira's house, standing there attempting to talk to him as he stood with his back to me, facing the window. I say _attempting_ because, on my part, having that conversation was not easy to do. I remembered my own mixed emotions then and they somewhat resembled how I felt right now.

I wanted him close and wanted him further away.

I'm sure I hated paedophiles as much as the next person, but I suppose I had more cause to than the average person. But I didn't want to think about it. That was the past and I had been preserved. Why was it trying to come to the forefront this evening?

I shuddered.

Abruptly, Elladan released me and made to move back, but I didn't _want_ to do that to him, didn't want to do that to us. Was withdrawing really the way to deal with things? If you didn't keep the confrontation of the issue, how could you face it and deal with it?

I grabbed his elbows and leaned up closer to him, hoping he'd stop pulling away from me. Thankfully, he did exactly what I wanted him to. He leaned down and kissed me. After a moment, his right hand slipped around the back of my neck, holding me close, and his left stroked my cheek.

It felt as though his hands burned my skin rather pleasantly, but the kiss itself was by far more chaste and hesitant than his touch would have made it seem. Still, I let my eyes drift closed as I wrapped an arm around his neck.

"You mean more to me than you know," he whispered to me and my heart skipped several beats at the way it felt.

I pressed my hand against the back of his neck and realized that I wanted to cling to him, to have something to hold on to, somewhere to belong, but I didn't want to play the part of the clingy girlfriend…or whatever I was to him. I just wanted to _be_ with him. For our souls to cleave to each other.

Suddenly, Elladan gasped and pulled back.

Confused, startled at the abrupt termination of that tender kiss, my eyes flew open and I stared up at him. "What?" I asked softly.

He swallowed and stared off into the darkness over my shoulder (over my head, rather). "N-nothing," he murmured after a moment as he blinked several times and fought against his quiet breathing, which if I hadn't have been so close, I wouldn't have realised it was hitched.

I noticed his hand trembled against my cheek and it seemed to suddenly occur to him too, because I swear he pulled back way too quickly for no other apparent reason.

I felt so strange all of the sudden. I couldn't pinpoint what, but the queasy pinch to my stomach was not a good sign. Too much exertion after just eating, I guess. I felt rather sick. My heart felt muddled and my brain fried. I didn't even know what to make of all of Elladan's strange actions and reactions; he'd kissed me before, so why pull away so suddenly now and refuse to really meet my gaze?

I watched him silently as he backed up a few paces and took several deep breaths, clasping his trembling hands behind his back. I tried to assess his reaction, expression, and the situation.

"Is…is something wrong?" I finally worked up the nerve to ask.

He glanced at me and shook his head. "Wrong? No, no. Nothing is…wrong."

I frowned thoughtfully at him, wondering if I was correct in guessing that there was a careful emphasis on the last word, but he was not very forthcoming.

I had gotten to know Elladan better than ever since they all came back (heck, we spent hour-and-a-half-long car drives _alone_ together talking and reminiscing and being together when I moved to the metroplex from my parents' country home), and I knew he wasn't always forthright, that Elrohir, while sensitive and wonderfully caring, was the one who was much more outgoing and freer with his words and actions (but never intentionally and completely mean—stolen keyboards aside).

Elladan was invariably quieter, in terms of everything important that he held close to the vest, though no less friendly and kind than his twin. He just had a feel about him that said if you got too close, if you reached out just so and just far enough, you'd find yourself tumbling headfirst into a vast depth that lurked very near the surface but was intensely guarded.

That isn't to say that Elrohir didn't have depth. He did. He was a wonderfully deep and amazing person. Just…by far more effervescent.

Elrohir had the preamble of a surface. Elladan just had walls.

See, with Elrohir, you have a long walk out front to get to his castle. But with Elladan, it's just right there. Tall, imposing, and heavily guarded; the gates admitted precious few or else no one at all. Why did I get the impression that every single sentry was focused on me and every twitch I made could very well be my last? That there would be no second chance to be trusted enough to be let past?

But it was that place beyond the walls, deep, deep inside of him that I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I wanted to get to.

Ah, now I was drawing fanciful pictures and strange analogies. I pressed my fingers into my jean's pockets and my thumbs through the belt loops as I sighed heavily.

"Nothing…is wrong?" I pressed. "Not at all?" He stared at me silently and I shook my head. "You pull back with a start and then you withdraw from me completely and you still say that nothing is wrong? Honestly, Elladan, I'd believe you, but that just seems so contradictive."

He stared at me, his eyes fathomless pools of…hurt? Confusion? And something else…something…beautiful, frighteningly beautiful. He opened his mouth to say something, then shut it again. He was staring at me as if he'd never seen me before, but like I was some stunningly beautiful but fragile butterfly.

I breathed shakily through my mouth, struck by the way he was looking at me. I didn't know what to make of it, or what it was about it, but it made me tremble.

"What? Why…why are you looking at me like that?" I blinked several times and tried to squelch down the strange, fluttery and almost painful way his look made something in my chest feel.

"I just…well…I don't know." His brow furrowed, as if the fact he could not come up with a plausible explanation bothered him.

I furrowed my own brow and eyed him. "You know, that's not very helpful," I teased, trying for levity, but there was some _something_ that I couldn't quite place. And we still had to discuss things.

He shrugged, a look of helplessness easing across his face. "I don't know, Raina. It's just…" he trailed off and his shoulders rose and fell again.

It was like something was suddenly _different_. But I couldn't place what. I wished he would explain himself, but I couldn't begrudge him his difficulty with finding the words. I certainly understood that problem.

Restless and unnerved by the way he was _still_ looking at me, I brushed my side-swept bangs out of my face and tucked the longer strands behind my ear. I didn't get it. He'd known me for years and had seen me plenty of times, why did he still look at me so oddly? I didn't look weird tonight, did I? He hadn't been looking at me like that _earlier_.

Elladan twitched slightly and unclasped his hands. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I'm sorry I can't explain it." He eyed me one more time and then held out a hand to me in invitation. "Come here."

Slowly, I drifted over to him and he wrapped his arms lightly around my shoulders, drawing me close. I hesitantly rested my head against his chest, listening to his voice echoing against my ear as he whispered, "I didn't…mean anything by that. It's alright. We're…fine."

I frowned, thinking he must have taken my unnerve as upset over his abrupt pulling away. I was, but there were other things, too. I just didn't understand. I mentally shook my head. There were other things to focus on.

"Fine?" I queried. "I don't think we're quite _fine_, Elladan." I felt him stiffen and I hurried to continue. "I mean, you can't just drop a bomb like that and expect things to go right back to the way they were without any talking."

From my vantage, I heard, rather than saw, him swallow. "You didn't let me finish explaining."

I sighed. "I know I didn't." I put a hand to his chest and pushed back. "But I…" I paused, hesitating.

Worried greys swept my face for a moment and then he voiced his question, at a loss. "What?"

"I…I'm tired." I began slowly, uncertainly. "I don't really feel like talking anymore tonight. I mean, I can and will, if you—"

His fingers lightly brushed my lips to gently silence me and I tried to ignore the way that touch made my body tingle. "It's alright." He told me this with sincerity before he dropped his hand and pulled back.

He'd said it was alright, but when his gaze swept over me, for a brief moment his entire face reflected a deep longing to _hold_ me and I wondered why he didn't just do that. The ache in his eyes urged me to hold _him_, but I was drained and overborne and all the muddled feelings inside of me made me yearn to just crawl in bed and wish for the night to be over already.

But then the look vanished from his face and I was suddenly struck by the thought that a mask was taking its place. That did not sit well with me, but what could I do? I couldn't _make_ him talk. I couldn't find the words for him when I didn't even know what it was he _wanted_ to say.

I rubbed nervously at the back of my neck. "So uh…I guess we'll call it a night, eh?"

He nodded wordlessly and stepped back several more paces as I gestured for us to pick up the mat. He helped me put everything away, but at one point, I got the impression he was avoiding touching me. It seemed to be true, too, because at times that one would normally brush arms he somehow managed for that _not_ to happen and he didn't reach out to me like he sometimes did.

That went all over me and made me sad as I scrambled to figure out him and what had happened.

And then, of course, there was the sticky situation itself of some snob who had played with his heart lurking around in his past. That concept also irritated me, both that he had been interested in someone before me, but also that someone would be that stupid to do something that horrible to somebody as wonderful as Elladan.

Why would they? Couldn't she see what an amazing person he is? Couldn't she see his heart, his soul? Oh well. That was _her_ loss.

As I thought this last, I strained a smile and brushed my hand against Elladan's arm as we finished. He startled and jerked his arm away, then shot me a sheepish look for his surprise.

Well ain't that strange too. Weird elf. I wanted to chalk it up as nothing particularly worth note, but for some reason, I had taken note of it and it wanted to bother me.

I deliberated over everything I could think of, but tried not to let things upset me as I closed up the house and got ready for bed. I bid Elladan goodnight and left him in the living room, but even long after I had laid down, I was still awake, my mind whirling over everything.

Memories, his words, what had happened outside, everything.

I didn't want to remember certain things, because it would only make me sick feeling again. His words didn't add up entirely, because I knew there was still so much more left to say and I wasn't sure what to make of it all until I had the whole story.

As for what had happened outside…well, what _had_ happened? I felt I should know, or that maybe I did, but I couldn't place it.

I drifted for a while, then unexpectedly something changed and I just suddenly felt that there was something _wrong_. I was climbing out of my bed before I had even thought about it. I wasn't sure what the strong restless feeling that had come over me was or really what I thought getting up would help, but as I left my room, I felt drawn to the kitchen and I told myself I'd get a drink of water and then see about bed again.

The kitchen light was on and I blinked blearily as I slunk into the doorway, squinting my eyes as I fought to be able to see. I made out Elladan busying himself with something on the counter that smelled suspiciously familiar and looked like some vaguely familiar tins.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

He started slightly. "Nothing," he said as he shoved the tins away from him. Then he glanced at me. "What are you doing up?"

I shrugged. "Dunno. Couldn't sleep? I just…woke up." I passed it off. "Thought I'd get a drink of water, I guess, then go lay down. Again. You?"

"As I said, nothing," he shrugged as well and turned around to lean back against the counter.

I slunk closer and looked at what he had been doing, then glanced up at him. As I did, I thought I caught an uncomfortable look on his face as he looked down at me, but when I lifted my eyes completely, it had vanished and I wondered if my unadjusted eyes were playing tricks on me.

"That doesn't look like nothing," I tried for teasing, since he was being uninformative. "That looks like making tea." I glanced over at the stove, the burner on and the kettle heating. "That _is_ making tea." I flashed him a small smile. "Couldn't sleep?"

Elladan strained a smile and brushed his fingers against my cheek briefly before he suddenly inhaled loudly and ran both hands over his face, then back through his mussed hair. Errant wisps hung about his face and he smoothed these back. "Not really, no. Too much on my mind," he finally answered as he rubbed at his eyes.

"Like what?" I probed gently as I turned away to get a drink.

There was a pause, then, "Everything."

I made a small, discontented noise in my throat. Really, that narrowed it down, now didn't it?

Well, I didn't know what to tell him. "I'm sorry," I said instead.

"It's not…not your fault. Not really."

That confused me. Startled, I looked at him. I hadn't even thought it, but I _was_ at fault?

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked cautiously, quite confused.

Elladan winced. "I didn't… I shouldn't have said that."

"Erm, okay." I frowned, shaking my head. "Shouldn't have said what?"

He eyed me, silent…but I didn't know what conclusions or information he was drawing. Then, he said, "Never mind. Forget I said anything."

I sipped my water and pondered my next words, deliberating over saying them or not. Finally, I opted for honesty. "You know, you're acting quite strange."

"Well, it's not entirely my _fault_." He suddenly shot back and I was caught off guard at the defensive tone.

"Fault?" I asked, flustered. "Okay, what the heck, really?" I stared at him helplessly. "What has fault got to do with anything? I didn't say it _was_ your fault." I spoke this all rather gently, actually, as I wasn't out to pick a fight…but I was confused.

He threw his hands up in the air, let them drop, then stared at me in what seemed to be frustration, though _he_ was the one causing any frustration in the room. Pulling out a chair and dropping heavily into it, he continued staring at me, then suddenly groaned and dropped his head into his hands.

"I don't know what to _say_, Raina." He said, jaw clenched. "I can't…I don't have an answer for you."

I hadn't asked a specific question, but okay.

I sighed, as this wasn't getting us anywhere. I didn't know where it _was_ supposed to be getting us, but it wasn't nonetheless. I set my glass down and approached him, and when I put my hands on his shoulders, I could feel the tension in him.

Taking a chance, I wrapped my arms around him and dropped a kiss on the top of his head. "Well, do you even know what the question is?" I asked as I hugged him.

He exhaled heavily but didn't answer. I took that as a no.

"I find knowing the question tends to be a little bit helpful in finding an answer."

Elladan's hands were trembling as he touched my arms. "I don't know what you want me to say."

"I don't want you to say anything," I answered as I leaned forward to kiss his left temple, "except what _you_ want to say."

He sighed and grabbed at my arms, pulling them off him as he said, "I don't have words."

Well I kinda figured.

Pulling back, I went to step away, but he turned in his seat and caught my hands in his, looking up at me with a brief expression of desperation. Then it was gone, but he eyed me still.

I gave him a confused, crooked little smile and tried to pull my hands back once more when a yawn took over me. I did jerk a hand away from him then, slapping it over my mouth to cover the yawn that threatened to split my head in two.

He suddenly released my other wrist and said, "You should get to bed."

This time, my smile was tired. "So should you."

He turned away, his gaze on the wood of the table. "I will, when I'm done." He gestured to the counter where he had been making tea.

I frowned. "Why are you making that, again?"

Elladan shrugged noncommittally. "Can't sleep."

"Why?"

"I told you, too much on my mind."

Ah, we were back to square one. "Well…" I mused. "I think your problem is that you need to relax. Why don't we try to fix that instead of taking…that." I waved also in the direction of the kettle and herbs.

Elladan sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, chewing on the uninjured side. "How?" he asked warily.

I shrugged. "We can go…sit."

"What, here?" He quirked a brow as he glanced back up at me.

"No. No, elsewhere…more comfortable."

"Where?" he pressed.

"Oh, just come on then," I gestured to him as I went over and shut off the stove. I felt like being evasive, so after a moment, when Elladan finally sighed and stood up, I ducked back into the hall without saying anything to him.

The light disappeared from behind me and I felt a little jumpy to have him at my back. I froze and spun around.

"What?" his voice came out of the dark and I waited for my eyes to adjust to just the scant light of his glow. I couldn't quite make out the expression on his face, but I waved him toward me.

"Come on, let's just go lay down," I said, instead of answering.

"_Lay down_?" he asked sharply. "I thought you said go _sit_."

I blinked at the suspicious tone and looked up at him. "That's what I meant. Come on, what do you take me for?" Oh, ick. Icky ick. I did not mean _that_. I shuddered. Surely he didn't think that…? Iiiiiiick.

As if the insinuation had permeated our conversation verbally, an uncomfortable silence descended. I led him into my room and went over to my bed, and that alone was hard enough to do now. Instead of crawling under the blankets, which felt like I would die of mortification or terror at doing so in the first place with him there and those uncomfortable thoughts hanging in the air, I curled up against the headboard and gestured him over beside me.

"Are you…sure?" he asked softly.

I sighed. "Yes. It's not… Just come on." I finished stiffly, now all ill at ease and it seemed ridiculous. Like we'd do anything? For real!

Hesitantly, he finally came and curled up beside me. But he wouldn't get near me and he carefully avoided touching me.

Which kind of defeated the purpose. "What, are you afraid of _cuddling_?" I teased.

He shot me a look like I was crazy and then put his arms around me.

I poked his side. "Took you long enough," I muttered playfully as he pulled me close and I settled down into his arms.

He snorted. "And you're just something else entirely, aren't you?"

"One would think, me being me and all."

Elladan breathed an amused sigh into my hair but didn't say anything more. I, for one, tried to get myself to relax and eventually his comforting presence, secure in my trust in him, and his familiar, warm scent lulled me into sleep.

It didn't feel all that long afterwards, with stiffness setting into my neck from my odd position, that I woke up, finding I had turned on to my back and I had turned my head away from Elladan, resting it on his outstretched arm. I shifted and twisted my head to look up at Elladan as I registered the quiet whimpering issuing from his direction.

Even in sleep, his face was far from relaxed. His brows were furrowed and his lips and fingers twitched, his eyes moving around restlessly behind their lids, indicating how he had fallen asleep and that he was dreaming. If the soft noises of distress were any indication, his dreams were far from pleasant.

I felt the muscles in the arm under my head stiffen as he clenched the blanket in his fist and murmured, "No…no, no…please no…" I struggled to make out more of the words as his distress grew more pronounced. "I don't…I don't want to…"

I felt chilled as I caught these words, but more so because of the tone of his voice. The outright broken pleading. But what was he not wanting to do? In nightmares, that could mean anything.

I reached out and touched his shoulder, but rather than waking, he flinched away at the touch. His eyes snapped open, but were unfocused and darted around imprecisely. "Please, please don't…" he whispered in a raw, hoarse tone as he pulled away.

Confused and concerned, I sat up a little more and snatched at him as he pulled too far away, as I didn't want him to topple off the bed.

Elladan swatted at my hand as his gaze collided with mine for a brief second; the total terror in his eyes chilled me once more. Then his eyes flew away again, fluttering in his sleep. "No, no…" he moaned as he began to thrash around, as if fighting with some unseen force, and he tossed his head back and forth restlessly. "No, no…No!" he shouted this last as he jerked awake and flew into an upright position.

I stared at him as his eyes shot around the room with incomprehension, as though he mistrusted where he was or what was reality as he tried to shake off the last vestiges of his dreams. His breathing was heavy and ragged as he panted in the dark and a light sheen of sweat was visible on his face.

"Elladan," I whispered and he gave a sharp gasp and a harsh start. His head whipped around and he stared at me with wide eyes, wherein the terror of his nightmare was slowly retreating. I reached out a hand to him. "It was only a dream," I assured as I drifted my hand over the back of his shoulder.

His eyes darted around the room one more time and then he slowly nodded.

"Shh, shh. Come here." I soothed and he suddenly leaned over and swiftly pressed his lips to mine. His hand on my cheek was clammy and when I brushed my fingers through the hair near his neck, I could feel the damp chill in his matted locks from the cold sweat his nightmare had brought on.

When he pulled back he was trembling and shivering and it was obvious that the dream's effects hadn't quite let him go. So I stroked his cheek and murmured, "Shh. It's alright. You're alright; you're alright."

He made a soft noise, one that I thought afterwards might have been a sob, and ducked his head down, suddenly burrowing into my neck. "No I'm not…no I'm not," he moaned in a low cry and I realised with a sharp startle that he _was_ crying.

I had no idea what to do for him besides just wrap my arms around him and stroke his back and head in what I hoped was a soothing motion. He sobbed into my collarbone for a few minutes, the sounds and jerks slowly stopping until he pulled away slightly.

"I…I'm sorry." He whispered tiredly. "I just…that nightmare really got to me."

"It's fine, Dan, I promise." I soothed.

"Úflind." He muttered. I frowned, trying to make my tired brain figure that one out. 'No' to something…no it wasn't fine? He shook his head and muttered again, but this one I did not know. "Uireb negro."

"Elladan…?" I probed carefully, not sure of what he was saying, but hurting nonetheless at the broken, defeated tone the words were imbued in.

"Héb garol tri en dú nin, le iallon," he whispered this to me, I think, as he pressed himself deeper into my arms and clung to me.

I didn't understand the words, obviously, but they sounded beautiful rolling off his tongue and I wondered if a slight blush had tinged my cheeks, even though I had no clue _what_ he'd just said to me. Nevertheless, I thought I understood the blatant request for comfort well enough, so I held him close and hoped I could banish the terrors this night apparently held for him.

So I stared at the ceiling and listlessly pondered things as I ran my fingers through his tangled locks and massaged gently on either side of the top of his spine, easing the tension out of the tight muscles. I felt his lips part against my neck and a low moan escaped from deep in his throat at the touch, the sound pitched soft as though he were drifting off already.

It was not long at all in fact before I realised his breathing had deepened and evened out.

I sighed, but continued to hold him. I drifted myself in and out of a light sleep, but Elladan did not stir for the rest of the night. Consequently, I was awake when the telltale signs of a new day began to cast a dusky hue about the room at 5 am. It seemed ludicrous to me to think that I would really be getting anymore sleep than I had already, so I gingerly shifted around and tried to extricate myself from Elladan's embrace.

It seemed the quiet moan that reached my ears this time was one of protest, but he didn't stir otherwise and I was already thinking of what ways I could spend my time this morning wisely, instead of wasting it. So I pulled out of his limp arms and carefully got out of bed.

Oh gosh, was I extremely tired. I wanted several more hours of darkness and a few hours of solid sleep. Oh well. Nothing doing.

I changed quickly, brushed out my hair and pulled it back all in the closet before I headed over to my desk. Having forgotten to shut down my laptop the night before, I brought it out of sleep mode and headed over to my still-open email, seeing that I had new ones. There was one from Tira and I opened that first.

It was messy and so very Tira, complete with jumbled thoughts, spelling errors and incomplete sentences. (Funny that my brain would choose to pick up on those things still…instead of focusing _all_ of its brain energy on the horrible issue. It didn't want to face it, I guess.)

_Dearest bestest Raina,_

_This is bigger than we thought…so much deeper. I mean…oh, I don't know where to start, really. Well, the beginning I suppose. Ro and I had a bit of a conversation, see…since Dan said he was allowed to tell me some stuff. A lot of it is the kind of stuff we suspected, you know, them keeping secrets and stuff, obviously. One thing Elrohir did say, though, stuck out to me like a flashing neon light; "hon emel hollen". Loosely translated, it means his heart is closed. Also, that Dan feels alone. The finishing touch to that horrid little sentence is "because of her". Alone because of her. Her who? Apparently some Middle-earth chick that they both fancied themselves in love with. Horrid little tart apparently used them and tossed them aside. Ro says Dan is fragile, thats why he hides things, cause he doesn't want people to break him, or something. But, like, all that aside…Ro is hurting, too. He…he was abused by that nasty tart, too. I haven;t yet determined how this has affected him, he's a tough one to read, but you know me; where there's a will, there's a way._

_I'll let you know if I find out anythign else._

_Love, Tira_

_PS Ro says Dan's pure, so you know, I guess that's something to be assured about, cause you know, there was a lot that Ro wasn't saying, ify ou get my meaning._

I sat back, frozen and hurting. As I read my friend's words, my heart felt as though it had wrenched right out of me. The words buzzed around in my head, the implications and the meanings and I wanted to just cry, but I couldn't.

_Heart is closed…alone…alone because of her…closed heart…_

Then my brain cleared up a little and strung a single, coherent thought together, even though it was no better.

_Elladan's heart is closed. He feels alone because of some tart who used him and he doesn't let me in and I don't cure his loneliness._

Well then what was I good for? What _was_ I to him anyway?

Some chick he placed beside him to take _her_ place?

I remembered last night, his reactions out in the yard, our discussion as I made dinner, his nightmare, the despair in his voice as he whispered in elvish words I could not have been understanding and really had no way of understanding, unless I could manage to repeat them understandably enough for someone to translate them for me.

Oh yes indeed, did I remember the despair. The lonely, broken despair. It clicked and made sense, his tone.

Well, wasn't this all just a fine kettle of fish! I grimaced and wished, again, that I could cry, that the burn in my chest could be released, but it was not so. I could feel my heart shattering in that sharp kind of way that made me want to scream and feel breathless and empty and numb.

My agitation and heartache were escalating and I don't know how long I sat there, staring blankly at words that made me want to throw the laptop away so I didn't have to see them ever again.

Suddenly, arms were wrapping around me and chaste, soft kisses were pressed into my pulled-back hair, then my ear—lower—my neck. I pulled away from those kisses as best I could, finding that his touch burned unpleasantly this morning as all my hurting thoughts swirled around and ate away at me. The kind of hurt that stirs up some indignation and goes _'who does he think he is?'_

"What are you doing, faer-nin?"

I didn't bother to reply, mostly because I didn't need to, as Elladan looked up at the screen then. A sharp inhale as his eyes flickered over the words and they made sense to him, he stiffened, then his arms slowly slipped from around me as he pulled away. I swiveled my chair around to face him as he backed up. His gaze was riveted on the screen with some expression of trepidation, then he turned wide eyes on me.

Was that terror in them? Terror at being found out, eh? Blast it, what was the whole story? What did it all mean? What did _I_ mean?

_Hon emel hollen._

I wasn't sure what to say, such was the nature of my conflicting and whirling thoughts. Finally, I managed to string a question together. "Does my love not make you feel real once more?" Quiet…broken.

"Elrohir doesn't know what he's talking about," Elladan retorted angrily, but he glanced away as he did and he refused to look at me.

I stood up and knew…and oh God, knew I was going to start crying the moment I opened my mouth. That my voice was going to hitch and tremble and crack and burning hot tears would sear my face. But there was no way around that. "No, no. I think…I think he does! He knows you better than anyone else, better than I do," I snorted at this, wondering how well I really did know him, "which may or may not be saying a lot, I know."

He sent me a flustered, harried look. "Raina, I—" he abruptly cut himself off and shook his head, his eyes darting away quickly. He ran his hands through his hair in agitation, but still refused to make eye contact.

I stepped closer, trying to catch his gaze, but to no avail. What, was he terrified of facing me? Terrified of looking at me? "Elladan…how can I be the nearest to your heart if it is closed…barred against me? Why don't you let me in?"

He made no reply, wouldn't meet my gaze. It was a rigid sort of silence that reminded me of those tall, imposing castle walls I had reflected on last night.

"Elladan," I said softly, wincing at the tears that were running down my face. I stepped closer, put my hand on his chest, over his heart, but still, nothing. "I love you," I whispered, trying to reach him, but I got the impression he himself was running off to someplace deep inside those castle walls and I was left to face the stony exterior alone…facing what wasn't even truly _him_, because _he_ was barricaded up behind some ancient, impenetrable door in the heart of his castle.

"I want to help you…but I can't out here," I pointed out firmly, quite referring to be on the wrong side of those walls. "I can't unless you talk to me, let me _in_. Understandings can't be made across this kind of distance, and I most certainly cannot make this work by myself when the other _important_ party is absent." I paused, but his gaze was riveted to the floor and I wondered if he even _heard_ me. "Please talk to me…don't close me off from you like this."

Still no response. I stepped back, shattered. And cold, from being left on the outside in this kind of icy gale. "Did you ever really need me as you once claimed?" That was it then, I let my voice hold a tone that reflected some of my brokenness.

Elladan winced, but that was it.

So my words _were_ getting through. But apparently they didn't mean anything…or at least, not enough.

I needed to get out of here. I needed to get far away for a while. So I turned and snatched up the jacket hanging on the back of my chair and my purse from the end of the desk. I wanted to bridge the gap between us, cross that moat and penetrate those walls and get to wherever it was he had retreated to, but I could not do so…not by myself.

I dried my tears and by the time I got out to the car and had gotten in, I had cleared my vision. I swiped at my face one last time, turned the car on, and left. I couldn't get far, though. Not yet. I was still too upset and driving whilst is a bad, bad idea.

I pulled off the road a few blocks down and yanked out my cellphone. I had to talk to the one person I could turn to right now.


	8. 8 Tira

Conversations

Chapter 8 - Tira

I went straight to my studio, as I discovered long ago that concentrating on something other than the problem helped a great deal. It allowed my brain to review it all unfettered, let me logically move through it.

I guess I had sort of lied when I told Ro I wasn't angry, because I was. I was angrier than I'd wanted to admit. He and his brother were, in my book, hypocrites. They said one thing, did another, and then reversed it all as if we were too stupid to catch on.

I had thought -no, I'd known- my relationship with Jay had been false, just something to take away the longing, the need, the desperation to belong to someone; and now I was seriously considering whether or not this was yet another false love. Did I truly love Elrohir? For that matter, did he truly love me?

I snapped a beautiful green chrysolite gem into its setting as I thought over this very personal question. I was quite certain that yes, I did indeed love Elrohir. When I was near him my heart fluttered, giant butterflies ravaged my insides, I felt _happy_. When we were apart, or fighting like now, I felt a sense of loss, of heartache. Yes, I loved him.

The problem was, did he love me? He _said_ he did. He often acted like he did…except when he didn't, like now. Refusing to confide in me, refusing to let me learn him, acting very belligerent and close-minded. And always calling me by my given name, Cassandra. I had never had a particular problem with my name until Jay and I began having problems. I especially hated my nickname, Cassie, because of those times…it was not something I liked to think about, and had done a pretty good job of forgetting it, until that summer.

Attaching the chains to the setting, adding beads, finally adding a clasp…I had made an entire necklace in the time it took to review my feelings for Elrohir…I had subconsciously chosen a very light green shade of chrysolite, and I knew it was because green is the colour of healing, of life, and of balance. It also provides a protection from the fears and anxieties stemming from the demands of others. I needed this particular colour right now.

I knew he was standing in the door, though he didn't say anything. His presence always sent a thrill through me, a beautiful shiver right to the marrow of my bones. I did not even glance in his direction, instead I picked up my newly completed necklace and unclasped it, intending to put it on. As I fumbled with the hook his hands covered mine and took over the job, making quick work of it. Once clasped, his hands rested on my shoulders.

Unsure of what to do with my own hands now, I simply dug into my collection of mixed Swarovski crystals, letting the next colour and gem choose me. When I was not making a specific order for someone, this was how I made my items, letting chance choose the first piece, and working it from there. Closing my eyes I sifted through the crystals, the myriad shapes sliding through my fingers and clicking softly together in the dish. His hands left my shoulders, but I knew he was still there, watching me.

There. This stone was the one I wanted. I opened my eyes to see what had called me and was slightly amused to see it was iolite, a wonderful stone with an indigo colour cast that is often used when one wants to focus on personal issues, develop intuition, solitude, and inner communication as well as aiding in finding new and interesting ways of viewing a problem.

I palmed the stone and drew it closer to me, wondering what I would end up making with this one. Almost as if he were in sync with my thoughts, Elrohir's hands appeared in my line of sight as he handed me silver wire. Silver, for the soul.

"Tira," he said my name quietly. "Please."

I sighed and spun my stool to face him. He leaned down a little, bracing his hands on the table behind me and locking eyes with me. He was very close, and I leaned back a little.

"I love you. I know that it doesn't always seem like it, but…this is difficult for me. I don't…I'm not very good at letting people in. Aside from Elladan, I don't really tell people about myself, I don't go into details about what I am feeling or what direction my thoughts lie. I can't…I feel vulnerable. It's not something I like feeling."

"You think I don't know this? Can't see it? The problem, Ro, is that this is what a relationship _is_. Communication, vulnerability, _feelings_. Have you ever heard a traditional wedding vow; for better or for worse? It all starts _here_, at the beginning of the relationship, cause if you can't be in it for better or for worse now, you'll never be in it later."

Ok, I was angry. Do you blame me?

He stood up straight, just eyeing me, and I was brought suddenly back to Middle-earth, Imladris, the day Raina had arrived a fortnight after everyone else. I had approached him, offered my help in finding Elladan, and he had _stared_ at me in this same threatening manner, his eyes hungrily boring into mine. It had made me uncertain then, and it did the same now.

To counteract this, I stood as well. Sure, he's more than a foot taller than me, but if I was standing I had a better chance of protecting myself. I hated these pregnant silences, and I hated the blank mask. The only way you knew he was even thinking something was the tilt of his head, the look in his eyes. I wondered what it was he _was_ thinking.

Suddenly, and with little warning, he grabbed me and pulled me close, dipping his head down so his lips covered mine in a hard kiss. When I let out a choking sob he released me only slightly, enough that I could rip free of his embrace if I wished…but instead I did the opposite and cleaved myself to him, pulling his lips back to mine. When I finally broke the kiss and just looked up at him, his mask finally crumbled.

"Tira…" He whispered. "Help me."

"All you had to do was ask, love." I replied.

I turned and placed the iolite onto the table, cut a length of wire, and then quickly wrapped the wire in a pleasing design around the stone, making sure to include a bail in which to thread a chain through. Digging briefly through one of the small drawers in the table provided me with a chunky silver chain that I looped into the bail and then turned to Elrohir, clasping it around his neck.

He looked down and examined it briefly, but did not say anything. He'd been around me enough to know that every piece of jewellery was made with a reason in mind, and if it was not made for the store, was gifted to specific people for that reason.

We left the room and wandered back through the house to the back porch. Instead of sitting in the chairs I kept going right down into the yard, choosing Trelan's favourite peach tree to lean against. Elrohir lay down, and I let him lay his head in my lap. I played with his hair and sang a little lullaby I'd picked up in Imladris. After a while he pointed out one of the constellations above us and asked what it was called in English, then repeated it to me in Sindarin.

We stayed like that for hours, just talking about the stars, the night, everything except what we really should have been talking about, but I didn't push him to tell me anything specific. He would when he was ready, I figured.

"Tira, I…I know you know some of what my past holds. Like my mother's sailing, Arwen's choice. But…do your stories tell you anything of…of that girl I mentioned earlier?"

"No. None of Trelan's cousins were ever named in the stories. In fact, not much of you was mentioned on a personal level. We know of you and Elladan being Delfalhen and Glamferaen. We know of your deafness. And my favourite, a quote from your father to Aragorn, 'Elrohir feels deeply, but his spirit is too light and free to remain bound by sorrow forever.'"

He looked up at me in confusion. "When was that said?"

"Just before they tried the hot oil in your ears."

He studied my face, though I could not fathom what he was thinking. Finally he sighed.

"Father is right, but…he does not know all of the sorrow my heart holds. He was lulled into a false sense of security just like everyone else, he wanted to believe the masks I wore so much that eventually they were real for him."

"And what sorrow does your heart hold?" I asked quietly.

He thought about it for a second and then opened his mouth to speak when my phone began to insistently ring and vibrate in my sweatshirt pocket, right beneath his head. He sat up so fast you would have thought he'd been stung.

With a sigh I pulled the phone out and checked the caller ID, a bit concerned when I saw it was Raina. She rarely called me, instead preferring to communicate via email or chat.

"Raina?" I asked as a greeting.

A tearful rejoinder made me sit up straight. She either had been crying, or currently was doing so. As there is little difference, the distinction was not important to me at that time. She began mumbling in a rush about Elladan, emails, talks and hearts, and I knew that she had tried having her own conversation with her elf, and that it had not gone well at all.

Several attempts at getting her to slow down, breathe, tell me what had happened resulted in hiccups and more sobbing when my phone was rather unceremoniously plucked from my fingers and Elrohir began speaking to her. I frowned up at him, then got to my feet to take my phone back, but as he is a good foot and a half taller than me, that wasn't going so well. He kept turning away from me in circles as he asked questions, listened to things she managed to say, and his face grew darker and scarier the more he listened.

Finally he shoved the phone at me. "She wants to talk to you." He growled, then turned on his heel and stalked towards the house. I watched him in confusion for a second before bringing the phone back up to my ear and asking Raina what had gotten him so upset.

Apparently Raina and Elladan had had some semblance of a talk about the situation, and they had laid down together. Raina was woken by Dan's bad dreams, and while he had been able to fall back to sleep, she wasn't and had read my email. Dan had woken up and seen what I had written, what his twin had said to me about his heart being closed, and he moved away from Raina. I guess from there he shut her out again, and knowing Raina she had gotten angry when he wouldn't reply to her. From what I had gathered from Raina, she had left, unable to face him in that state.

"Raina, dear, I think the best thing to do is let him come to you. I know, I know it hurts…please listen…are you listening? Alright, now, let him come to you. You won't get anywhere by chasing him, he will simply close himself off more. Go somewhere he knows about, somewhere you feel safe and comfortable, and wait."

I had finally gotten through to her, and she reluctantly said goodbye. I had assured her that my phone was on and I would pick up if she called. I then went to go find Elrohir.

It didn't take long, as there were only two conceivable places he would have gone inside the house itself, those being my bedroom and the kitchen. Since he wasn't in the kitchen, I concluded he was in the bedroom and went there, and I was right (I'm always right).

He was laying on his back on my bed, legs stretched out and crossed at the ankle, hands behind his head. A look of deep thought shadowed his face, and I could feel the fear, the pain, the tension he exuded. How much of it was his and how much Elladan's I could not be sure. Either way, it was distressing.

I figured, but could not be certain, that Raina had told Ro the same things she'd told me. Where I could understand Elladan's reaction being painful for his brother, I could not understand why it was affecting him quite this badly. I also was curious as to what he had been about to tell me before the interruption.

"What did she say?" I asked finally when he didn't volunteer any information.

He sighed. "Not important."

"Well, something upset you."

"I said it's not important, okay?" He sat up, eyes blazing, a hard look on his face.

"No, it's not _okay_." I hissed. "You can't…you can't keep doing this, Elrohir. Drawing me close then pushing me away. It won't work, you know. When I want to know something, I will find a way to get it. Now, what. Did. She. Say?"

He glared at me, his grey eyes suspiciously wet as if holding back tears. "It's not what she said, it's what he did."

"Alright. Why does this bother you?" I felt like a damn counsellor.

"Don't you get it, Tira? We are _hurting_! We…I…he…I can't _take_ anymore of this."

"Anymore of _what_?"

"If only Bregeduron had succeeded, perhaps things would have been better. His path may have been the correct one after all." He said confusingly. _Who_ was Bregeduron, and what path had he tried?

I stared at him, willing him to speak to me, tell me what was on his mind and in his heart, but he just sighed and leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees and dropping his head into his hands. I could hear him taking deep breaths, as if he was trying to get himself under control, and the scene was so reminiscent to those I'd read in _Tears Like Rain_ about young Legolas at the hands of his uncle a cold shiver went through me. It had never occurred to any of us that these tactics of controlling ones emotions were taught or learned by more than Legolas, who had deflection down to a fine art. When Elrohir glanced back up at me, it was to show that creepy blank mask once more. He was far too good at the blank mask, the one that showed and said nothing to the watcher about this person. Even his grey eyes had gone dark, a stormy cloud colour.

I was not scared, at least, not for myself. I _was_ scared for him, though. I knew from personal experience it's not healthy to keep such things bottled up. I was messed up for a long time, a very long time, and because I kept everything to myself it made me worse.

"Elrohir," I said quietly. Something flickered in his eyes, but he did not otherwise move. I slowly moved closer to him, not certain what he was capable of doing during these sorts of moments.

Carefully I came towards him, deftly coming to stand between his knees so I could take his face in my hands. His own fingers clenched tightly against the material of his jeans, and I knew he was feeling _something_, and that something hurt or frightened him. The tension was obvious, not only the physical tension in his body, evidenced by the clenched hands and firm set of his jaw, but the tension between us, almost like electricity. I'd felt this electric charge before, back in Middle-earth, but really had never known what to think of it.

He closed his eyes as I placed a hand on either side of his face but did not resist as I gently lifted so if he opened his eyes he would be looking at my face instead of my chest. He had yet to say anything, but I did not pressure him. I felt his jaw flex beneath my fingers, then he slowly opened his eyes to look at me.

"Have you ever heard of the phrase _veritas liberabit vos_? Um, truth sets you free," I translated the Latin phrase. "I discovered, the hard way, that it is all too true."

Still he remained silent, so I continued, slowly and uncertainly. "Even…even if it is only to yourself this truth is admitted, it frees you. Once you realise something, accept it for all it's worth, it opens up new doors. I was…I learned this and I try to follow it even now."

I was reluctant to say much about my past, as I was still coming to terms with it myself, but I was telling the truth here…just admitting to yourself the truth of something helps. Even if he never told me what bothered him so much about Elladan's reaction, or whatever it was that had him shutting down like this, as long as he was able to tell _himself_ the truth of it, it could never own him.

One hand left his thigh and came up to caress my cheek in a mirror of what I was doing to him, then the other followed.

"I know." He said. "And I want…I want to face it. I want to own it, instead of allowing it to own me." His words echoed my thoughts. "And it is difficult. I don't know if I'm ready to let that out, you know? Not ready to show the world, or even you, what I've done, who I am. There are dark things in my past that scare even me. You said you know of Glamferaen?"

I nodded. He sighed, then continued. "Then you know of some of the darkness that eats at me. I am not ready to face the other shadows that bite and lurk, not yet."

I let my hands drop, instead drawing them close to myself. He sighed again, then stood, but did not let me step back, just drew me close in a tight hug. I could hear his heart beating, slow and deep, and hear each breath he took as he just held me, drawing from me whatever it was he needed just then. Comfort, perhaps?

When he let me go I did finally step away, but he still did not move from where he stood. His face, at least, had lost that blank mask, though his eyes still held remnants of the storm within him. Whatever he had come to terms with, it was helping. I just wished I could help more.

"Do you mind my leaving for a little?" He asked quietly, as if afraid of my answer.

Tilting my head slightly to the side I gazed at him. "I suppose not. I don't own you, after all, you are free to come and go."

There, that little fleeting smile. It transformed his face briefly as it flashed and left. "I'll be back soon. I just…need to be alone for awhile."

"Of course." I nodded.

He stepped past me, letting one hand trail through my loose hair as he did, looking back once as he left the room. I sighed. All these emotions made me tired. Shaking myself out I decided to go for a walk in the woods, to calm myself, collect my thoughts, and chase away my fatigue.

He was already gone wherever he felt served his solitude best by the time I stepped out of the house. As a starting point I headed towards the peach tree to snag one for my walk, and was not at all surprised to see Trelan once more in its branches. A small question niggled at me, and I paused, looking up at the elf in my tree.

"Who is Bregeduron?"

He startled, staring at me. "Where did you hear that name?"

"Elrohir mentioned it. Something about Bregeduron's path?"

Trelan sighed and ran a hand lightly over the branch he was cradled against. "He was part of the Imladris guard. In fact, Glorfindel had assigned him to my cousin during her time in Imladris, as short as it was. I know he died, possibly by her hand, possibly by his own. Otherwise, I can't really tell you much more. I did not know him all that well."

"Oh. Well, thank you." It sort of answered the question Elrohir's mention had brought forward. Death, after all, changes many things. I still was curious as to what he had done, other than dying, that would have changed the secrets and shadows the twins carried.

Continuing my walk, I let the smells and scents of the woods take me over. The elves had the right of it. Stars and nature were the places the soul loved best, not technology. I let my feet wander where they wanted, and was a little surprised to find myself at the pool. It was a deep but clear little spring-fed pool in the centre of my property, surrounded by various sized boulders. The little creek that ran the Western edge of my land until it detoured inwards burbled into the pool as well, and ran out again once more heading West.

Laying on one of the flat rocks near the edge I trailed my fingers in the water, making the reflection of the trees above me waver. His approach was so silent and unlooked for, I did not even know he was there until his reflection appeared in the water. I was so startled I just stared at the shaky image in shock, my hand stopping its travel. Sitting up quickly I turned and stared up at him.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, the first thing that popped into my mind.

He looked away from me, at the surrounding trees and rocks, before coming back to my face.

"I thought, maybe, you could help me."


	9. 9 Raina

Conversations

Chapter 9 - Raina

As the soft chords of 'The Invitation' by Steven Curtis Chapman filled the car, I stared out the windshield at the park. Tira had told me to go someplace and wait, someplace he knew about and I felt comfortable and safe. Well, I didn't feel completely safe, being here alone, but I was in the car and the doors were locked.

The early morning light filtered through the trees and I eyed the dappled ground, the leaves, the pieces of sky from my parking space. My left elbow against the door and my index finger on my lips, I idly tapped my side with my opposite hand as I thought.

I wasn't really sure what to think about, seeing as focusing on the issue was getting me nowhere. I mean, there is only so much deliberating over everything that one can do when one is left in the dark about so much and has so little to work with. I really didn't want to think the worst of Elladan, but he hadn't exactly given me much hope or explanations.

_I don't know what to say, I don't know what to say…_ kept repeating in my head. Well, he'd have to figure out something to say soon enough, because there was only so long we could idle ourselves away at an impasse.

Unconsciously, I brushed the thumb of my right hand against my index finger and frowned at the lack of familiarity. I lifted my hand and eyed it briefly. I had noticed last night when we were talking in the kitchen after I had gotten back up that my ring, the one he'd made for my sixteenth birthday, was missing; again, I wondered what I had done with it. Had I taken it off before laying into that punching bag? I honestly couldn't recall. It wasn't in either of my pants' pockets and I didn't know what I would have done with it.

I shrugged and dropped my hand. It was no use thinking about, as I couldn't very well look for it around the house when I wasn't there.

Which led me back to wondering if Elladan actually _would_ come looking for me.

It felt like it might just be really hard to know better. It felt much easier to assume that I was right…I was second-rate, a stand-in for someone who didn't want him in return. He had always managed to make me feel special, seemed to care about the things in my life that most others around me couldn't be bothered with.

-0-

"_How was school?"_

"_Brain-frying. I hate math."_

"_I'm sorry. You would pick a major with a lot of math."_

"_I _like_ landscaping."_

_A laugh. "I know you do. Just remember how close you are to being done."_

"_How would you know how close I am?"_

"_I have my ways."_

"_Oh, just try to be mysterious now why don't you. To think I decided on other academic pursuits after this, too."_

"_Yeah, you must just be a glutton for punishment."_

"_Hey! I've already gotten my basics done and what I'm studying after this doesn't require as much math."_

"_So your credits will transfer?"_

"_Most will."_

"_That's good."_

_Silence for a moment, then, "I've got to go, Dan. I have several articles I have to start on."_

"_I see." He sounded almost put-out. "Is the pay good enough to really justify dropping this awesome phone call?"_

"_Good enough. Hm. It's enough, let's just say. I've got to make ends meet after all. Sorry."_

"_It's alright. I understand. Hey, listen, we should…go somewhere later. You need to get out and do something other than school or work."_

"_Oh yeah? Like what?"_

"_I don't know. Anything. Go to the park, see a movie, something. You've been cooped up inside poring over all those important things for weeks. You need to get out."_

"_Thanks, Dan. Let me tackle some work and then I'll touch base with you and we can make some plans."_

"_Excellent. Catch you later then, eh? Don't overwork yourself now."_

"_I won't. Goodbye."_

"_Bye."_

_I hung up the phone and found that suddenly, my day wasn't as bad as it had been._

-0-

It was all those little things like that. I'd be going crazy with the norm, the routine, of my days and he'd suddenly just be there, asking about all the little things in my life, all the everyday tedium, and he'd offer to spend time with me. People had never done that for me before.

Heck, I spent weeks, months hashing out my plans for college at _sixteen_ and no one bothered to ask me what my ideas were. As I stressed over all my conflicting ideas and interests and slowly pieced a game-plan together, I did it all alone. As I crammed in every other moment all of my high school work and started undergraduate studies to get my basics out of the way, no one could stress themselves with asking how I was doing or if I wanted to spend time out of the house doing other things than school. No one could even bother to ask how close I was getting to my goals. No one could _bother_.

Then he'd come along again and he _cared_. He'd drop by my house, he'd call me, something, anything. And it made me feel so incredibly special and so confounded because it was just so different.

But what had all that been? Geez, I couldn't even understand now. I didn't want to think all of that had been an act; it didn't seem like it was; but he'd once been strung along too, and he could've learned well. And was just making me feel like I was something like his one and only, when really I was a second choice…a fill-in for the hole _she_ left.

I had, essentially, said some of these things to Elrohir on the phone actually. Asked if Elladan really _did_ care about me, if I meant more to him than _she_ did. Elrohir hadn't answered my questions except with ones of his own (_"Why do you ask that? What makes you think that? Why ask me?" _Why this, why that, how come this, how come that, what happened, and so on…getting shorter and angrier with each response I gave).

Aggravated, restless, I shut off the stereo and pulled my iPod from its dock. I got out of the car and slipped my jacket on, taking a moment to breathe deeply of the early morning air. Then, I set off across the park, pondering everything with my iPod on shuffle and creating a nice backdrop to all of the turmoil.

Walking didn't quite slake the restive knot in my chest, so I zipped my jacket up and broke into a dead run, disappearing into the familiar, tucked-away paths of the woods. I pounded across the metal bridge over the dried-up creek, exhilarated at the way it swayed and bounced under my feet. I lost myself into the familiar rhythm as I plunged in deeper into the heavier wooded areas, knowing that back here, actually, was where I would be safest. Most people didn't head this far in, except for mountain bikers who used the uneven, sandy terrain for tracks…but that was elsewhere, more to the west than I was.

When I had at last exhausted myself and I was feeling hot from the exertion, I slowed my pace and unzipped my jacket again to cool off. That's when the first strains of 'How Far' by Martina McBride started in and I nearly tripped.

I muttered a child-friendly expletive (the best kind, I tell you) and bent over to rest my hands on my knees, breathing shakily. I closed my eyes and felt weak, depleted. This wasn't right…was it? I shouldn't be this affected by everything, so affected I couldn't think or the way I felt so physically drained.

I sighed and leaned against a nearby tree, slowly sinking to the ground. I drew my knees up, wrapped my arms around my torso, and listened, shutting my eyes against the unwilling tears that refused to really fall.

Well didn't this song just fit fantastically.

…_Talk to me, let me in, but you just put your wall back up again._

Funny how songs work like that, giving you the perfect words even though they aren't your own. I suddenly very much wished that Elladan just _heard_ them. I'd been through enough and I didn't relish the idea of more pain to work through in _another_ one of the relationships in my life, but I wanted to make this work and I would be willing if I had the hope that there was reciprocation.

-0-

"_I…I love you."_

_I froze at the unexpected, hesitant declaration. I looked up at him, desperately searching his face for the truth of what he had spoken. His fingers, which brushed my bare arm, left a frisson on my skin and his eyes overwhelmed me for a moment as I met them._

_Then he snatched his hand away and he pulled back, swallowing thickly. "I do. I always have. I…" He ran his hands through his hair and I suppressed a shudder as he absent-mindedly made me want him, to hold him and keep him, with that gesture. His eyes, those beautiful eyes, his father's eyes, darted around. "I would give anything to have told you sooner. You…"_

_My heart was racing and my mouth was dry. Of all the things I had expected out of this day, that certainly hadn't been one of them._

"_Valar, Raina, you mean so much to me that it…" he abruptly trailed off on this last and reached out a hand. He cupped my face and brushed his thumb across my cheek. Then, hurriedly, as if catching himself, he pulled his hand away again, but this time I caught it and clasped it between my own._

_Now I had the courage to reveal what I had been processing inside of me from the start. "I love you, too."_

-0-

So why? Why, if he loved me as he claimed, did he push _me_ away from him? I, of all people—did I not have the right to be inside the heart he had given to me? _If_ he had, truly. I told myself I needed to accept what he told me, trust him that way…and I was trying to, really trying to give him that belief and that benefit of the doubt.

Yet, I felt cold and alone, held away from what _I_ held most dear. Pushed out of the very thing I should have been closest to.

_I wanna make this work so much it hurts. But I just can't keep on giving, go on living with the way things are._

With all this confusion and disorder inside of me, I felt on the verge of breaking. All over again. Because I've broken before…I've been hurt and beaten down, left behind and passed over. I've been so much and nothing before, but I expected him to be better about all of this than other people had been.

My resolve, however, was crumbling from all the other times I had been tattered to tiny pieces I always pulled myself back together from. If Elladan keeps me out of his heart, though, what reason have I to keep trying in a relationship that was completely one-sided? Could I even keep reaching out to someone who didn't want me to reach out to them or…didn't care that I was, rather?

I suddenly had the unpleasant, prickly feeling that I was being watched. I opened my eyes and peered around, but I couldn't see anyone. Unsettled, I shifted around on the ground for a moment and then sat back as I had been before and closed my eyes again, telling myself I was imagining things. Still, that feeling remained, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and a pricking sensation ran all over my skin, leaving goose bumps, as my gut tightened.

I reached into my pocket and shut off my music as the song finished and without moving anymore, I intently listened to the sounds around me. There was nothing. I strained in the silence, but still. I couldn't catch anything.

Then why did I feel eyes on me, raking my form—the desperation in the air, washing over me? I tried to shake it off, figuring it must just be my own upset.

I heard a twig snap suddenly and my eyes flew open, on edge, but when I threw my gaze that direction, I was met with the sight of Elrohir coming up the path toward me. Frowning in confusion, I came to my feet and eyed him, wondering why he was here and how he had found me.

Rather than answering my perplexity, he gestured for me to sit back down. I complied, but watched him still, noting the pain, the sorrow in his eyes. He came and sat beside me, leaning against the tree with me, and released a heavy sigh.

I pulled my earbuds out and waited for him to explain himself.

After a moment, Elrohir nudged me gently with his shoulder and said softly, "I'd ask how you're doing, but I think I already know."

I snorted and lightly kicked out at a stick. Again, I wondered why he was here, considering our previous conversation. He'd been quite unhappy earlier, I could tell.

"Look, I'll get right to the point." He started. "I came on Elladan's behalf. And he _didn't_ put me up to it." He shot me a sharp look, as if daring me to just even entertain such a notion.

I shrugged at him and settled back into my previous spot. "Talk on, Jeeves," I muttered, folding my arms.

Elrohir sighed and flicked at the bark of a stick with agitation. "Please don't pull away from him for this," he whispered.

I started slightly. "What?"

He didn't answer right away, just kept picking away at the twig in his hands. When he spoke next, it wasn't really an answer. "Do you remember, when you arrived in Imladris, the way…Elladan acted?"

Brows furrowed, uncertain, I gave him a nod. Sure I had. I'd been unable to wrap my head around it. He'd treated me rather unfriendly-like for a while, but he had eventually loosened up.

"Didn't you ever wonder why he acted that way?" Well, yeah, of course I did. Come on, Ro, get to your point. "You…you terrified him. El doesn't…handle change very well." He paused, his fingers stilling. "I'm not entirely certain what it is that unnerves him so about it… I guess it's that he can't control it. You know how he is about when something happens beyond his control, right?"

Again, I nodded.

Suddenly, Elrohir looked up and eyed me closely; he tilted his head and there was this speculative gleam in his eyes as he furrowed his brows and studied me, but his tone was confused when he finally leaned in and asked, "What did you do?"

"What do you mean? I just tried to talk to him." I shrugged helplessly. "What, Ro, was that wrong of me?"

Elrohir shook his head. "No, that's not what I meant."

I sighed and flicked a piece of dirt off my arm. "What are you talking about then?"

The stick snapped in frustration. "Nothing. Never mind."

I tilted my head back and rested it against the trunk, then shrugged indifferently. Okay, fine.

I listened as Elrohir shifted around with small, agitative movements. He tossed the broken twig from his hands and sat back more, so that his shoulder brushed mine again. "Let's not fight," he said softly, apologetically.

"Yes, let's. Fighting is…pointless, really." I muttered.

"I don't know. I think it serves its purposes every now and then."

"To quote Robin Hood, show me one conflict that was ever settled by bloodshed."

"I didn't mean _that_ kind." He shot me an amused look and I managed a small smile back for him, a little bit amused myself. But mostly, too sad to really get into the spirit of bantering.

We were silent for a moment, then finally I opted to focus the conversation once more. "I can't pretend I don't feel disconnected," I admitted.

"Have you tried, I don't know…concentrating on him?" Ro asked out of the blue, or maybe not so out of the blue. My point was it was…mysterious. It was befuddling.

"Well…I guess. I mean, all I've done since yesterday _is_ think about him…and whatever it is you're keeping from us."

He sighed and gave a tired sounding chuckle. "Not what I meant. Um…focus on him. Like, what you think _he_ feels. Tell me what happens?"

Gah, could the elf be any more elusive and strange and confusing. Focus on Elladan? Wasn't I? Every other thought was already Elladan-this or Elladan-that, interspersed with the recent _Ro, you're really not making any sense; did you go to school for that?_

What did I think Elladan felt? I'd been trying to figure that one out already too. I frowned at Elrohir and reigned in my frustration, trying to do as he asked.

So…Elladan and…Elladan's feelings.

I deliberated over it. "Um…" What did he want me to say? Well, I'd just take a chance and make a few guesses. "Withdrawing, you know…distance." That doesn't make sense. "I mean…desperation." I shook my head. "What I _feel_ from Elladan is a _wall_."

"You bloody scrimshanker," Elrohir muttered sharply.

"Pardon?" I questioned, staring at him.

He glanced at me and shook his head. "Nothing, I—" he stopped abruptly and gave me a long, measured look, appraising me.

"What?" I pressed. Had I ever stopped being confused?

"Raina, isn't something…_different_?"

I blew out a heavy breath. "Er, sure. Elladan's always had issues, but suddenly he's acting way worse than when I met him." I was already upset and him being confusing wasn't being helpful to me.

"I know," he sighed, his gaze flickering around, then his eyes flashed back to me and he pinned me with a grave look. "But please don't hate him. I know he's hurt you, but you've got to understand that he's…" he trailed off, looking off into the woods.

I watched him, the way unreadable things flashed across his face, and waited. "What? He's _what_, Elrohir?" I had to know what he was saying. I wanted him to convince me to press forward, to try to grasp at the strength to grab on to these fragmented pieces of everything and hang on. To not give up on the relationship I had with his brother…that perhaps it really did hold meaning.

"He's scared," he whispered so softly I almost missed it. I inched in closer. "He's scared of you."

"Me?" I faltered, baffled. "Why would he fear _me_?"

I wasn't that scary, was I? I thought back to last night and felt a little queasy, but I hadn't hurt him, had I, even then, right?

A sad smile twitched at the corners of the elf's mouth, then flitted away as suddenly as it appeared. "Because he loves you," he murmured in a reverential tone, his eyes flickering through the trees. "Loves you so much, but his heart…his heart does not so easily forget the pain…" he faltered, then cleared his throat quietly. "The pain Églanoleth inflicted…impressed upon him when he let her in close."

A sharp thorn dug into my heart at the thought, but I scrambled to put the pieces together nonetheless. "Who's that?" I didn't even dare try to pronounce the name.

"He's told you about…her, right?" Elrohir frowned, glancing at me.

"You mean…" I paused, thinking. "That twat who led him on?" I was slightly hoping we were talking about the same person, because I didn't think I would be able to keep straight any more people being added to the picture.

His gaze had wandered away again. "Yes." The word was a bare whisper.

I glanced away from him, rubbing tiredly at my eyes.

"She used him, Raina." I could feel his gaze searching my own back out, so I reluctantly returned my eyes to his. "She used us both," he tacked on the admission.

"Yes, Tira mentioned something about that." I vaguely recalled more of the email I'd read earlier. "But I wouldn't use Elladan," I continued earnestly, "I really do love him, Elrohir."

He studied his hands intently. "I know you do," he answered. "I know, and so does he." A frown, a flick at something on his jeans, then, "I've already mentioned that it is not easy to forget the pain she so…smugly pressed upon him. I don't know, I guess he's afraid of feeling similar pain from your hand, whether intentionally or not."

My breath hitched slightly at this last and I dropped my head, closing my eyes. Tears pricked at the back of my lids and I breathed shakily. With all of my being, I wanted to cry that it was not so.

"I can assure you that he _never_ wanted to hurt you." The words were quiet, but sincere.

"_I don't want to hurt you. You _must_ understand that."_

I tried to ignore the echo of Elladan's words buzzing around in my head. Opening my eyes, I glanced over into Elrohir's own stormy greys.

"There's a song I've heard some of you listen to," he began suddenly. "I believe its name is 'The Reason,' though the artist's name escapes me. It was something weird." He shrugged that away. "You know this song?" he glanced at me and I nodded. "Then you know how it begins. _'I'm not a perfect person; there's many things I wish I didn't do, but I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you.'_" He quoted the song and I nodded again.

I brushed a hand across my face, swiping my bangs away.

"It's not like either of us meant to hurt you and Tira when we…got entangled with her." He voiced this quietly, but firmly. "We didn't even know you two then. In fact, it was quite a long time before we met you."

I pondered that one. "So…that excuses the fact that he didn't…what, wait for me?" I asked, trying to understand what he was saying.

"No! No." Elrohir released a growled sort of sigh. Or was that a sighed sort of growl? "It doesn't. And don't you think that it tears him _up_ that he didn't? To have some kind of…filler lurking around in his past when he has you?"

I don't know. I didn't really have clear-cut answers from Elladan, did I? "So. Why you'd do it?" I queried, glancing at him.

The twin beside me ran his fingers through his dark hair with blatant exasperation. "I don't _know_!" He replied, obviously frustrated with _something_ about this conversation. Heck, _I_ was frustrated with this conversation.

I frowned. I could understand that he possibly didn't know Dan's reasons, but how could he not know his own? I voiced as much. He didn't reply and he wouldn't look at me. What, did he think that'd get him out of it? I wanted an answer. I turned to face him a little bit better and then just eyed him silently, waiting him out. I could wait as long as he sat there silently hemming and hawing.

His gaze flickered to me, saw me eyeing him, and then darted away. After a moment, the process was repeated. Then his fingers twitched. Another glance. Twitch. Glance. He squirmed. Another glance. He squirmed more, then finally spat out, "I was jealous, okay? Happy now?" Another darted glance and he ground out, "Just stop it already."

But I was now staring at him for entirely different reasons than before. Jealousy? He had all this mess on his hands to deal with himself because of _jealousy_? "Of what? Elladan?" I asked.

"Partially." He muttered, refusing to look me in the eye.

"And?"

"Her, too." His face suddenly went blank, as if someone had drawn a curtain over a window. "I don't want to talk about this anymore. And stop _staring_. I came here for Elladan, for you and him."

I gave him one more long, odd look, just for good measure. When he glanced at me, he scowled and quickly looked away. Then I sat back against the tree and let him stew for a few minutes, but when I finally grew tired of his brooding aura, I nudged his shoulder. He jerked and looked at me.

"Well go on then. Thought you came here for talking, Jeeves," I pointed out cheekily.

He eyed me for a moment, then glanced away and leaned back. "Having hurt you…you do realise that's something he must live with everyday?" he started again.

I lifted my eyes to the heavens, studying the leaves and the bits of blue pock-marking all the still green. Did it really bother Elladan that he had hurt me? His words and his actions contradicted each other. But here Elrohir was, confirming his brother's claims and refuting any validity of what Elladan's actions said.

Still, they say actions speak louder than words…

"Lano…she did something to him he's been desperately trying to put to rights since he _met_ you. When he first _saw_ you, he…" Elrohir cut himself off and shook his head, not finishing that thought. "He wants you in his heart, you know."

I exhaled slowly and tried to take his words to heart.

"He _does_," his voice insisted confidently, as if daring me to refute him, "but a wounded heart does not easily open again, no matter how much one wants it to."

Yes, that's why we had to keep the fickle little thing in line. To lead it the way it needs to go.

I heard him shift and I glanced over to see he had reallocated himself on his knees and he peered at me very intently. "As such, he's kept you out, I know, but it also means he's trapped the pain _inside_. And when all of this comes together, she's…caused him to feel alone, even with you in his life."

I huffed out another breath heavily, such that my bangs fluttered, then I swallowed involuntarily. "How…how do you know all this?"

Another sad, slight smile flitted across his face and then flickered away. "I'm his brother." He answered simply. "I know more about him than you would imagine, I'm sure. He doesn't have to say a word…I can just already _understand_. And I know how to piece together what he _does_ say, the explanations or comments he has made."

Suddenly, a pained look crossed his face as his hand drifted towards his heart, his fingertips brushing his black, To Write Love on Her Arms T-shirt. "I can feel him right now, you know. He's…" Elrohir hesitated, as if the words were not very forthcoming, and he licked his lips before continuing. "In _turmoil_. He's hurting. And I don't doubt that it's brought on by…by you, because he's hurt you."

I placed my elbows against my knees and planted my head in my hands. "What am I supposed to do, Ro?" I groaned.

After a moment, I was surprised to feel his hands on my shoulders, drawing me close into a hug. "Be patient, I would think," he whispered right above my ear. "Dan's trying, Raina, he really is. I know it's hard to see it…he's always made that difficult to do."

I sighed and closed my eyes. When I breathed in, I absently noted the way Elrohir smelled. It reminded me of Elladan, an intense and warm scent, but it was not quite like him. No, Ro carried the cool dusking of night air and something that reminded me of rich earth and the library in Imladris.

"It's not easy to come to terms with, but he _is_ trying. He…_we_ want to heal. He…carries a lot of scars, but the ones Lano left are particularly grievous right now." He pushed me back, hands on my shoulders and he pinned me with an acute look. "But he's trying to move on, and _you_ are his reason."

I thought he was wanting some kind of acknowledgement, so I nodded.

"It's a slow process and he's fumbling his way through, but at least he is. He might not always go about it the right way -wishing for all kinds of horrible things to happen to himself is _not_ a good coping mechanism- but he'll figure it out. El always does." He tried to send me a reassuring look, but I noted the concern lurking beneath.

I sought out his gaze, which had wandered away. "What is it?"

Elrohir's eyes seemed sadder, the grief and regret mingling freely, when I caught them. "Elladan…" he sighed. "He feels he is not the person you're worthy of, but he deserves so much more than he gives himself credit for. This is a side of him he never wanted you to know, but…he couldn't change."

I turned that over in my mind for a moment. "I think I understand."

Abruptly, he pulled me back to him. "Don't give up on him, Raina, please," he choked out and I was shocked at the sudden tone. "If you did…it'd be something that this time…this time, he wouldn't recover from. He wouldn't survive; it would destroy him."

A shudder ran through his frame and I wrapped my arms around him. "It's alright," I whispered.

"Úflind," he murmured hoarsely.

I frowned at that, remembering the way Elladan had refuted my assurances last night in the same way.

"Why?" I asked.

He shook his head and then pulled back. "When Dan comes for you, please…don't shut him out."

I studied his face, but it was obvious he was taking pains to contain his sorrow, his hurt. "I won't," I promised. "Look, this is going to be a real pain, isn't it?" At his affirmation, I sighed. "Yeah, well. I'm in it for the long haul now, am I not? If I wasn't going to be, I wouldn't have even gotten close to him in the first place, wouldn't have been…well, whatever it is you want to call me. His girlfriend?"

A small smile twitched his lips and he twigged my nose with his right index; I strained a smile back at him.

"It's not easy waiting him out, but…if you're really in this thing, you have no other choice." Elrohir eyed me seriously, as if giving me the option of backing out now.

"Would either of us really have it any other way?" I shot back and the corner of his mouth lifted slightly.

"Thank you," he whispered, then he stood up, his eyes lifting skyward. A strange look flashed across his face, as if he had come to some kind of decision. Perhaps talking to me had helped him get his head on a little straighter. Not that I thought _I_ did anything, but maybe there was stuff in our conversation that applied to him as well.

"I've got to go." He announced, glancing back down at me. "There's something I need to do."

I nodded. "Yes. I'm sure Tira's wondering where you are."

I didn't know what the look in his eyes was when I said that, but after a moment, he nodded. He gave me one last glance and parted with the words, "Just remember, Raina, you are his reason."

I sat there a little longer, thinking, but I didn't really see the point. Finally, I stood up and stretched before making my way slowly back to the car. My head felt clearer than it had been earlier and I was feeling hungry; I knew I needed to work on a game-plan to work off of inside of me as I tackled this newest fiasco life had thrown my way.

I suddenly felt myself gripped by the strong desire to be in his arms, to be with him and to forget that anything else existed, that there was anything wrong.

What _was_ I going to do when I faced Elladan again? I supposed I would just have to take it as it happened, arrive in the moment and think with all of me.

I glanced at the clock on the dash when I climbed back into my car and I frowned at the display of 7:45, wondering where Elladan was and _what_ he was waiting for. I deliberated over my next immediate plan of action and figured I might as well go grab a bite to eat.

Then I started as I realized I had _work_ today and it hadn't even crossed my mind until now. Forget everything else, I couldn't dawdle around. I had to get home, get changed, grab a bite and get to work.

That's when my phone started to vibrate.

_**Don't do anything dumb, like miss work**_, the text read when I opened my phone. I gave the contraption a wry smile and double-checked to see who had sent it, a little surprised to see Elladan's name flashing on the Caller ID section.

I sat back and thought over that one. Texting me, even about work…or especially about something as mundane as _work_…that meant he was thinking of me. And that had to be a good thing, right?

_You nift, why can't you just be here so I can hug you?_ I asked him in my mind. Hmph. I debated answering, for a minute, but couldn't think of anything suitable to say. Besides, what if he took whatever I said the wrong way?

_Scratch that. You bloody dolt, why can't you just not be so closed off?_


	10. 10 Tira

Conversations

Chapter 10 - Tira

_I thought maybe you could help me_, the words echoed in my head. Why me? When had I become O Awesome Psychiatrist? Of course, I couldn't turn him away; not only was it cruel, but it would send the wrong message, and also not answer any questions.

"Elladan, why me?" I asked.

He crouched down so he was closer to my level, the fingers of his right hand playing with the signet ring on his left. I had seen the ring many times in Middle-earth but its significance had never occurred to me until I had once asked Elrohir about his.

The rings were "twins", so to speak, just like the star brooches gifted to them by their father, only these had come from Celebrian around the time of Arwen's birth. Elrohir's stone was a blue Celestine with silver inlaid tengwar of his name. I looked now at Elladan's, noticing the differences. Elladan's ring was gold instead of silver, and sported a green Aventurine. I found this interesting, as green was a colour I'd always thought suited Elladan greatly. I had no idea how Celebrian had gone about choosing the colours for her sons rings, but some sort of insight must have gone into it. Gold, also, was a colour I associated with Elladan, more for its metaphysical and spiritual meanings than for the colour itself.

"I'm not sure." He finally said in answer to my question. "Maybe because you are not Raina, not Elrohir?"

I tilted my head to the side, taking this in. Not Elrohir, hmm? "Out of curiosity, why do feel you cannot speak to Raina or Elrohir?"

He settled into a more comfortable position, his knees up and arms wrapped around them, leaning against one of the rocks. I did not push him into saying anything. I didn't want him to run away before I got anywhere.

"Elrohir…El has his own shadows to contend with. I do not need to burden him with mine as well. Not this time. Besides, he already knows most of what is bothering me."

"And Raina?"

"Because I love her." He whispered so, so quietly I almost missed it. "She…I do not want to burden her with such things. They are…harsh…and she is so fragile."

I thought about this. This was new. Elladan thought Raina too fragile to handle his past.

"How does he do it?" Elladan's question returned me to the problems at hand.

"How does who do what?"

"Elrohir," he gave me a look that indicated I should know this already. "How does El just…give himself away so easily?"

I couldn't help the little laugh that escaped. I did smother it with my hand, but he was already giving me a disgruntled look. "I wasn't laughing at you," I said quickly, in case that's what he thought. "But what is it you think Elrohir has given to me?"

He blinked at me in what seemed to be confusion. "Hasn't he told you…everything?"

"Since I don't know what this 'everything' might entail, I can't give you a yes or no."

"Well, I mean, like everything with…_her_."

"No, he hasn't. We were interrupted before he could tell me anything." I didn't say that it was his fault, as that would have ruined any possible headway I'd made with the infuriating elf.

"Well, that changes things." He muttered, imperceptibly shifting away from me.

"Do not move." I narrowed my eyes. "He was getting ready to. I got a phone call, and when I hung up the moment had passed. He and I went out for separate walks to collect our thoughts."

He still seemed uncomfortable, as if he'd only come to me thinking I already knew the facts behind his problem and that fact that I didn't meant he was alone in the world, or something. He fidgeted, spinning the ring on his finger again.

"Her name was Eglanóleth." He finally said. "She was beautiful, charming, innocent."

I resisted the urge to snort, recalling Trelan's words of his cousin being a nasty piece of work.

"And I killed her."

I sucked in a breath, and closed my eyes. When I opened them again it was to see him retreating, far too fast for me to ever catch up with him. Well. Dropping a bomb like that, then retreating? Coward.

"You can't run away forever, Elladan!" I called after him. There was no answer, not that I expected one.

So much for my thought-collecting, calming forest stroll. It did explain a few things, but also opened up the door to lots of _new_ things. I liked new things, but not of this sort. I stood up and began to pace, my thoughts all jumbled now. Elladan had assumed I'd known more than what I did, and even after discovering I knew nothing, he still told me…not much, granted, but more than he'd told anyone else. This was interesting.

I wondered if Elrohir had returned yet from his "alone time", and since my solitude had been ruined, I decided to go see. I didn't really know where my head was right now, seeing as Elladan had come along and upset the balance, but maybe Elrohir had a better idea of what he wanted to say. I hadn't decided yet if I would tell him what Elladan had said, but I knew I could not say anything about that girl unless I did, because how could I feasibly know Elladan killed her otherwise?

I hated catch-22s. I really did. As I walked I decided randomly to put my hair up, whisking it into a quick braid and securing it with a tie from my wrist. Because I was actually paying attention to my path, and had a clear sense of direction, the walk to the house went quicker than my original trek that had brought me to the pool.

The house was dark, as it had been when I left, but it also held an air of loneliness that only an empty house can give. Elrohir wasn't there, and Trelan had gone somewhere. I entered the silent house and flipped on the kitchen light, then promptly shut it back off. Instead, I decided I was in the mood for candles, and went into the living room, which had a large sectional couch that could easily sleep two people, my television, and candles and art _everywhere_. Some pictures my sister had painted, others I'd bought or procured from friends, yard sales, the internet.

I lit most of the candles, some of them scented. I never placed a scented candle in a room unless I knew it would fit in with the other scented candles already there, that way if all or some were lit, the smells would not be overwhelming or nasty. Once lit, I pushed the coffee table back a little so I had space to sit on the floor and began to work on meditating, something the triplets mother had taught me long ago.

When I am meditating, time is meaningless to me, so I was not sure how much of it had passed when I sensed a presence in the room with me. Breathing slowly, I counted silently down, and when I reached zero I opened my eyes. Elrohir was sitting across from me, also on the floor, just watching me.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"What for?"

"For everything."

I shook my head, not understanding. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I…I love you, Tira. But I'm broken. I…I don't really know how to say it. I don't even know what to say, for that matter."

"Why did…" I hesitated, not really certain I should bring it up. "Why did Elladan kill…Eglanóleth?"

His eyes shot to mine, wide with surprise and what might have been panic. "Elladan was here? And he…he told you that?"

"Yes, I was out by the pool and he came to me. Told me her name and that he had been the one to kill her, then he ran off."

Elrohir frowned, his brow wrinkling as he absorbed this information. "How…unlike him."

"Were you…there?"

"Physically, yes. Mentally? I don't know where I was. That day was…difficult. For both of us."

I thought about this. So, wherever the death had taken place they were together, but Elrohir was…otherwise occupied. I wasn't sure what to file this under, so stuck it under miscellaneous.

"Tell me more about her." I requested.

He frowned and bit at his lip, then sighed. "She was…small, like you, like Trelan. Somewhere in between you two. Blonde, like him. Very charming, gorgeous green eyes. Beautiful like a poisonous flower or insect. Very shrewd, intelligent. Always calculating, always ten moves ahead of everyone else."

He paused, gathering his thoughts. "I was jealous, because from the start she preferred Elladan. I wanted her to like me. And when she made the appropriate looks and said the right words, I fell for it. I thought I had won. Elladan and I physically fought over her. He was...I...we were divided over her. You know, Tira, that our strength is greatest when together and of an accord in our souls? We drifted, both refusing to let the other in. Perhaps that was our undoing."

I narrowed my eyes, all my good work of meditation flying out the window. "Undoing?"

He shifted nervously, as if feeling he had said too much. "I'm not…ready to go there."

Convenient, that. Grrr. And I couldn't force him to say anything. Well, whatever undoing had been done, it was coming back to bite them both, and us by association. This was really turning into more of a production than needed be, but we were also dealing with a pair of stubborn male elves. Since elves invariably had much, much longer lives than us humans, they had a lot of history to angst about. I wanted to know more about said history, but that was obviously going to take some careful digging. I wasn't really sure what to say after that. I mean, I couldn't put pressure on him to speak, and he wasn't about to volunteer anything, and I was definitely not going to start spilling my secrets, not without a proper exchange. Besides, I wasn't the screwed up one. Today, anyway.

"Why do you do that?" He asked out of the blue, sliding closer to me and loosening the tie on my braid, shaking my hair out. He began running his fingers through, working out the kinks. "I love seeing you with your hair down. Red is such a rare colour among us."

Well, this was a complete 180. But I was enjoying the feel of his hands in my hair. I closed my eyes and am pretty certain I was making a purring noise. His low chuckle brought me back to the real world.

"You are so one of a kind, I can't help but love you."

"Thanks, I think." I shrugged.

"You're welcome." He nodded with a smile. "Now, what would you like to do?"

Um, talk about your history, nift. But I didn't dare say it aloud. "I dunno. I think…I'm gonna go take a shower."

"Then I shall start dinner."

"Don't you dare use a fork on my pans again! I have bamboo utensils for a _reason_." I scolded. He'd used a regular stainless steel fork on my non-stick pan, and I was still seething about that.

As I gathered my things for my shower, I thought over Elladan's appearance and subsequent disappearance. It was in the middle of rinsing my hair that a brilliant thought came to me. Quickly finishing up, I barely dried completely before slipping into my clothes and rushing down the stairs.

"I," I announced grandly, "am going to Texas."

Silence greeted me, as Elrohir just stared at me. "Why?" He finally said.

"Well, because think about it. Elladan wants Raina, but he feels she's too fragile to be burdened by his past. But I figure if he is seeking either me or you out, if I am with Raina, he has no choice but to tell her, too."

Well, maybe that didn't work out as well as it had sounded in my head…either way, I was committed. I was going to Texas, Elladan's idiocy notwithstanding.

"Anyway…you coming with?" He once more stared at me.


	11. 11 Raina

Conversations

Chapter 11 - Raina

Perhaps going to work would be a good plan of action. That way, I had something to keep me occupied while I waited around on Elladan. He may have texted me, but he certainly hadn't given me any indication he wanted to see me or that we needed to confront things now. I had no hopes about that, now did I?

It was an empty house I returned to, in fact. I had no clue where the confusing elf was, but I didn't have time to focus on that. I hurriedly changed into my uniform and forced down a FiberPlus bar. When I pulled my uncovered container of grapes out of the refrigerator, I closed its silver door to see someone standing in the kitchen doorway.

"Oh hey, Trey." I flashed him a smile as I turned away and set the container down and opened a cupboard for a plastic cup. "I thought you were at Tira's."

"I was," he answered in a noncommittal kind of way as I tossed a couple handfuls of grapes into the cup to eat on the way to work. "But Tira and Ro needed some…alone time."

I frowned. "Ro was _here_, though."

"Yeah, well." Trelan shrugged. "Alone time, to sort thoughts out or some such. I thought I'd check on you." He eyed me closely, the obvious worry and the way he sized me up unnerving me slightly.

"I'm heading to work." I put the grapes away, dried my hands off and turned to face him. "So how much do you know?"

He shot me a startled look before walking past me to the window overlooking the front yard. "Enough, I'd say." He was silent for a moment, then, "Too much, maybe," he muttered to himself.

"Trey?" I pressed, confused, taking a step closer to him.

Trelan shook himself out of his reverie and turned to face me. "Just thinking. Suffice to say, I do know what is going on."

"Ah." I nodded. "Then you'll know it's not so very awesome around here right now."

He tilted his head at me, a tiny smile on his face I didn't know what to make of. "And how are you handling things?"

This time, I shrugged. "Well enough, I suppose. It…is just another step. I don't know where Elladan is, but that's neither here nor there. I guess…it's a waiting game."

"So it would seem." He answered unhelpfully.

"Is that so, O Deep One?" I teased as I slipped my purse on to my arm and snatched up my cup, popping a grape into my mouth.

"I don't have answers to give you, Raina. Elladan is the one who needs to be doing the answering."

I shot him one last look. "Well. That's his prerogative." I shrugged. "But I've got to go. I'm under orders to not miss work." I tried for levity again, wanting to be happy, but I couldn't quite strike that balance again.

"Alright."

-0-

Work. Bah. Thankfully, since I accrued the main chunk of my income from freelance writing at this time, I didn't have to have a day job like others right now. Still, I preferred the buffer and a bit of a schedule to my life, so I worked a few days a week at Borders. It gave me something to do outside of my house, to assure that I didn't become a hermitic bore who never gets any sun.

Not that working _inside_ lets me get sun, but that's a side-note to the point. That's why I had an internship with a local landscaping agency, too (that, and credit and experience and all that good stuff). Note to self: check personal schedule and figure out where you must be tomorrow.

Hm. The jury's still out on whether or not I should take a weekend job in the fall when school starts again. I'd cross that bridge when it got a little closer. Going into my final year this fall, I might just decide that I had no time for anything else but studying…which would probably be true. I'd have my hands full just continuing my freelancing in all of my non-school-focused time.

I love books, though. So working at Borders is a good compromise, all things considered.

"Hey, Keliann," a voice drawled near my ear.

Except for that. I shot George a look as he leaned against the shelf beside me while I restacked a few books. There was a strange sound, perhaps of a book hitting the floor, on the other side of the shelf as my coworker flashed a grin at me.

"Hello, George," I replied as patiently as I could.

The store was not very busy right now, with only a few customers here and there, and I guess everyone was hard-pressed to find something to occupy themselves with. (Annette, the store manager, was in the kids' section, poring over the books and making a list of ones she wanted to purchase for her toddlers, Amber and Alice.) George, I guess, thought he'd occupy himself with what I was beginning to wonder was his favourite pastime—hitting on me.

"So…thought about my offer any?" He leered at me.

"I don't really know what you're referring to."

"Whatever, sugar."

I frowned at him, then slipped a World War II fiction into place. Had he seriously called me _sugar_?

"Did you cut your hair?" He asked, reaching out a hand to my bangs.

As a matter of fact, I had. This weekend past. But that is none of his business. "_Don't_ touch me." I shot him a warning look.

Irk. He dropped his hand and looked all _wounded_. "Oh fine, deprive me."

Now we were getting all dramatic? I suppressed a snort and moved down the shelf to a new spot. George followed, hovering right beside me.

"So, have any lunch plans?"

Yeah, that thing called eating, you dope. I fought back a smile at my unvoiced sarcasm. "Yes, I do."

There was a soft _creak_ sound on the other side of the shelf as a huge grin split his face. "Excellent. Are you in the mood for sandwiches or…Starbucks?"

I resisted another unladylike snort. "Let me clarify, I have plans with someone, and you're not him."

I didn't, as far as I knew. Sometimes Elladan showed up and surprised me with something, but those visits were rare, and I certainly didn't expect Trey to show up.

I risked a glance towards him, to see he was actually pouting. _Pouting_! Like a child! Maybe I would text Trelan after all and see if he could play the saviour.

"A boyfriend? Surely someone as beautiful as yourself isn't available." There was a gleam in his eye as if he was hoping this conjecture was wrong, and not caring if it was right.

I paused at that, considering. Did I have a boyfriend? Was I available? As far as I had been concerned up until this point, I most definitely was not available, because Elladan and I were together. Were we still together? Had we ever been? What were we?

"Look, George," I started, trying to come up with a suitable answer. I didn't want to hurt him, but I wanted him to get the message that I wasn't interested. "It's not really your business, is it?"

"Yes, it is." He flashed another grin. "Since I want to go out to lunch with a certain pretty girl."

I blew out my breath in noisy irritation. "And what are you going to do if the pretty girl declines?"

"Keep asking until she realises the great-looking guy is the one she should have been with all this time."

Seriously? Could he _be_ any more full of himself? He was brushing one hand through his hair which was so-so to my estimation, a sort of dirty blond. Definitely not nearly as gorgeous as the long, thick, black hair…_bad, bad mind_…I blushed at my own thoughts.

George, of course, thought the blush was for him. Great. And was someone throwing books on the floor on the other side of this shelf?

George grinned. "You're cute when you blush. Can't wait to see if that blush covers anything else."

Um, gross. _I_ didn't want him seeing that. Ever. And what _was_ with the shelf? Because, suddenly there was a very loud _thump_ which issued from the other side of the shelf and I frowned. I walked toward the end of the row to go see if someone was vandalising the books or something, but before I got there George's hand grabbed my arm.

"George," I sighed. "Kindly remove your hand."

He slid it up towards my shoulder. I repressed a gag.

"I said _re_-move, not _move_." I jerked my arm away.

Okay, _someone_ was definitely damaging _something_ over there. Shaking George away, I rounded the shelf only to see a tall person in jeans and a nondescript blue hoodie. The second he -for it was definitely male- heard me coming, he turned and walked quickly away. I frowned in his direction and checked the shelf.

The books looked shoved around; one book's jacket cover was wrinkled at the top of the binding, as if it had been dropped, and the bottom was torn. Scowling at the roughing up of the books, I eyed the title with listless disgust -New Moon- then tried to smooth the damage out a little.

The clueless prick came over to me again, put an arm on one of the shelves, and leaned casually -flirtatiously- in. If I was anyone else, I may have hit him for trying to so innocently invade my space.

"You even make a scowl look pretty," he whispered huskily, brushing his fingers over the back of my shoulder, towards my neck.

I roughly shrugged his hand away. "George, stop that."

I paled when he didn't back away, but instead he stepped in closer, wrapping his arm around my waist so I couldn't pull away as he leaned in. "Practically no one's here, and the back bathroom's free," he purred in my ear, his breath warm and unpleasant on my skin. "I want to know if you're as soft as you look," another, even huskier whisper as he caressed my hip and dropped his head down to my neck.

My heart raced with terror and panic had frozen my mind, but when he tugged at my tucked-in shirt and pressed himself closer to me, something feral and instinctive snapped me out of it.

Throwing my forearm into his chest, I forcefully shoved him back enough to ram my fist into his face. As he stumbled back, I snatched up a book and hit him over the head with it, sending him to the floor. I threw the book down and fled.

"Annette!" I gulped, flinging myself behind the older woman, as if to put her between me and George, even though he was nowhere in sight. I gulped again, gasping and trembling. "Annette, we've got to call the cops."

Shocked, Annette stared at me with a measured look of panic. "Why? What's wrong?"

"It's George. I'm going to report him."

Calming slightly at this last sentence, for it meant there was no robbery or vandalism (I wouldn't mention the book; it seemed so trivial now), she eyed me. "Why? Look, hon, I know he really has a thing for you—"

"Really has a thing for me!" I snapped. "He tried to _come on to me_!"

Annette bit at her lip. "I'm sure it's not that bad."

"Not that bad? He invited me to the _bathroom_. He tried to untuck my shirt." I showed her my, yes, partially untucked shirt.

"Keliann, honey, let's think about this…harassment charges could cost him his job."

I levelled her with a look. "And? He's a _menace_ to female kind. I've told him before I was in a relationship and he refuses to back off. What if next time he corners me somewhere I can't get away? Like the storage room?"

For a moment, the other woman looked genuinely concerned as she considered this. Then she shook her head. "I don't think he'd really do that."

I gaped at her, finding it arcane that she was not helping me.

In an attempt to give Annette the benefit of the doubt, I tried to remind myself of the reason why I hadn't told Elladan about George already. The elf has an extraordinary protective streak and until today, George had done nothing more than make flirtatious comments and pester me about spending time with him. Annoying, but it was typical of men today, and I didn't want Elladan to fly off the handle and get us in trouble.

See, I didn't doubt that Elladan would, at least, deck any jerk who wouldn't leave me alone—and assault charges were not something we needed to deal with, even if the elf had been in the right. So I hadn't said anything, because, as already mentioned, the prick had done nothing more than be a little _too_ friendly and flirty. I wasn't sure I would even have a case against him, to claim sexual harassment to explain away having beaten the persistent dude up.

If I had known George would go _this_ far, though…I shuddered and felt ill.

"Annette, please. I really think he'd do that and _much_ more." My hands shook at the thought, wondering why I got all the creeps. Logically, one could figure that it must mean I'm a beautiful girl, but I did not feel confident in that. If that was the case, it made me want to go home and find the baggiest clothes in my closet, chop my hair off, and hide in a hoodie all the time.

I did not dress provocatively; I did not sashay around like most girls; heck, except on the rarest of important occasions, I wore sneakers, not heels, and _never_ stilettos. So why me?

She shrugged and my heart sank as I realised she was not going to deal with this as a very serious problem. "What you and George decide to do is between the two of you; I don't get involved with other people's personal lives."

She said this like this was how it was justified and it covered her butt. Once more, I could only gape at her, but she quickly turned away.

Overborne, shaken, and -I felt- justifiably terrified, I rubbed my head and pressed the heels of my hands against my temples as Annette made herself scarce.

"Raina? Ho there!…are you alright?" Trelan's voice suddenly caught me off guard and I started slightly.

I looked up and felt relieved to see him, someone I figured I could trust. Part of my brain told me that I could, but I had thought I could trust Elladan and Annette and I…no. I _knew_ I could trust Trelan.

He eyed me closely and approached warily, as though not sure he should get too close. He glanced around suspiciously and dropped his voice to ask, "What happened?"

What happened, indeed. It felt too uncomfortable to discuss. "What are you doing here?" I asked instead.

He shrugged. "You looked a little out of sorts earlier. I figured I'd come take you out for lunch, cheer you up."

If I was out of sorts _earlier_…I was _way_ out now. I managed a smile, though. "Thanks, Trey. Did you have someplace in mind?"

Again, he shrugged. "Whatever you want is fine." He cast another careful glance around.

I blew out a heavy breath, thinking that I did not feel like eating. I felt like marching myself back to that bathroom and being sick…oh god, the _bathroom_. I folded my arms, as if to hide or protect myself, and clenched my trembling hands.

"Raina?" Trelan's worried tone brought me out of my spiraling, dark thoughts. "What is it?" he pressed quietly.

I shook my head. "Not…not here." I said, suddenly wishing to get very, very far away from here. "Let's go." I gestured to him and then hurried to get my purse, rushed through telling Annette I was taking my lunch break, not particularly wanting to talk to her any more than I had to just then, before leading the way out the door.

All the while, Trelan didn't say anything and I briefly wondered what he was thinking, but I could tackle questions and explanations in a little bit. First, I had to get away.

When we stepped outside, my gut tightened with a cold knot of apprehension when I saw George a few feet away, puffing away on a cigarette. Unconsciously, I shifted closer to Trelan.

I must've stepped too close, because his hand suddenly pressed against my shoulder and I jumped away. Mortified at my reaction, I barely chanced a look up at him.

He narrowed his eyes speculatively, then glanced around, seeing only George as he smoked and chatted on his phone. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but Trelan must have, because he made a muffled noise that sounded suspiciously like a growl as he ground his teeth.

When his eyes flickered to me, though, all he did was say quietly, "Let's go."

I was all too agreed with this plan, so I didn't press him and just took off across the parking lot to my car. It wasn't until I had turned the engine over and buckled up that I finally opted to say something. "How about Central Market?" I asked, knowing that it wasn't too far away, and thought I could at least manage a salad…because, even though I should have been starving by now, I was not hungry at all.

"That's fine." He answered, then glanced over at me. "Raina, what did he do?"

Startled at his perception, I did not reply at first. "Who?" I asked at last, thinking that I should confirm what I thought he was referring to.

Trelan did not answer and I frowned, shooting him a look. As I pulled out into traffic, I pressed again, "_Who_, Trey?"

"How about _you_ tell me who." He replied instead of being helpful.

I sighed and tapped my fingers restlessly against the steering wheel. "If you mean George, he was a prick."

He muttered something that sounded decidedly unfriendly, but was not understandable to me. I glanced over to see a dark look on his face as he glanced out his window and the protective disgruntlement moved me deeply, breaking open a dam, such that I felt that it would be alright to just…tell him.

"I don't know what you heard," I said as preamble, my eyes flickering between the stoplight and the rearview mirror idly.

"It is not worth having been said once, let alone twice." Trelan answered with obvious anger, but I knew it wasn't directed at me.

"He's been…bothering me for weeks," I started, slow as I searched for a way to explain. "A comment here or there, pestering me about hanging out outside of work…I honestly had had no clue he'd take it that far, though."

"That far? How far?" He rounded on me sharply, eyes flashing and tone flinty with a defensive caring that I had never witnessed before. It dumbfounded me and warmed my heart.

I removed one trembling hand from the steering wheel, rested my elbow on the middle compartment, and pressed my fingers against my mouth, taking several deep breaths. "Far enough, the cad."

"Did he hurt you?" The restrained ire and horror in his tone caused me to make a quick assurance.

"No. I decked his face." I answered simply.

A slight smile twitched at his mouth, but his tone wasn't amused as much as it was approving when he said, "You would."

I let out a shaky breath. "He…said some things I'd rather not think about, invited me to the bathroom. When I told Annette, she was less than helpful."

"He didn't…try anything else?" Trelan questioned suspiciously.

"He did…grab me. Like I said, I clocked him a solid one." You know, as uncomfortable as the subject was, I found it easy to open up about it with him. It was like what I would imagine talking to one of my older brothers about boy problems _should_ be like.

Only, my brothers are completely hopeless at being protective of me. I remember once, after a Skillet concert I went to, this guy coming up and sitting on the bench beside me and asking me questions and angling himself toward me all uncomfortably. One of my older brothers was sitting on another bench perpendicular to mine and he knew how ill at ease I was around boys, but he didn't do anything. In fact, he mentioned later how rude it was of me to have run off so quickly to get our siblings the moment our parents pulled up.

Like um…it was dark and that guy was way too close for comfort and you did nothing? How was that supposed to make me feel?

I shook these memories off, surprised at myself. I hadn't thought of that particular incident in a long time.

Trelan sighed heavily and ground his teeth, but when he spoke next it was with a relatively calm tone of voice. "Are you going to report him?"

"I'm going to have to go above Annette to file a complaint, because she won't do anything."

"Why not?"

"Because George is the blasted nephew of some corporate head, and he thinks he's a hotshot. And Annette is trying to save her own skin, I guess." I answered as I pulled into a parking space. I felt a little bit less tense now and I shot Trelan a grateful look. "Thanks for this, you know."

He looked at me, confused. "For what?"

I shrugged. "Caring, for one thing, I guess. Coming to get me, for another."

The smile he shot me, tender and warm with eyes still protective and flashing from the ire he felt over some punk who'd tried to hurt me, appeased some of the ache chiming away in my heart.

-0-

"You've hardly touched your food except to poke at it." Trelan pointed out, drawing me from my thoughts.

I blinked, coming back to the here and now. True to his words, I _had_ been listlessly stabbing my fork at the salad before me. What had I even been thinking about?

Elladan. What else.

His eyes, his smile, his touch. His hesitant, chaste kisses. How difficult it was to consider giving men any amount of trust -a notion George had happily reaffirmed afresh today- but the way he had assured me, so long ago in Imladris, that it didn't have to go as far as hating anyone and that I _could_ heal.

I looked up and smiled weakly. "I'm not really hungry."

Worry flashed across his face, but he didn't press me about it. Only said, "Try to eat what you can."

"I am." I speared a piece of spinach and chicken and took that bite, as if to show him I was doing exactly that.

He had finished more of his food than I had of mine, but now his fingers fiddled idly with a napkin and he eyed it intently as he asked carefully, "Have you heard from Dan?"

Well. I hadn't expected that one. "No." I paused. "Not since this morning, when he texted me."

Trelan nodded, but didn't raise his eyes.

I let him have his thoughts and went back to trying to force more food down. He was silent for a few moments, churning something around in his mind as he picked at the napkin. Then, "I haven't seen him, but he texted me, too. You know, he's really thinking about you."

I froze at that, understanding the assurance behind the words. My fork hovered above my salad and I kept my gaze riveted on it. I turned Trelan's words over for a moment, then whispered, "I wonder if he'll come back."

"He will." His voice was quiet but reassuring.

I glanced up. "What makes you so sure?"

Trelan shrugged easily. "As I said, he's really thinking about you."

"And how do you know that?"

"I said he texted me. Seeing as you were the entire focus of that text, I would say it should be obvious."

I frowned, stabbing at my salad. Elladan's text this morning showed that he was thinking about me and him talking to Trelan about me… I was torn, wanting to be warmed and assured at it, but hurting nonetheless. "I shouldn't have left this morning," I decided, and a touch more bitterness than I realised was in me slipped out.

"What do you mean?"

I exhaled heavily so that the expunge of air stirred my bangs, absently noting the way the hair fell back into my eyes. I lightly tossed the locks out again. "It's my fault he's disappeared, you know. I pushed him away, rejected him when he needed something other than that." Whatever it was he needed.

"_Raina, what…what is it you _need_?"_ Hmph. Seems to me that I should've been the one doing that kind of questioning.

"Oh no. No, no." Trelan said softly, leaning forward to lay a hand on my arm. I glanced up at him and he shook his head at me. "No, Raina, it's not. And you should not think that it is. _Elladan_ shut _you_ out. Didn't he." This last should have been a question, but it wasn't. He gave me a look, just daring me to tell him otherwise.

Dang. He really is perceptive…that, or Tira -or Elrohir- had hinted to him about how this morning had gone.

"Elladan…" he sighed, searching for the words. "He took off like this, not because of you or because you left, but because of _him_. Because he can't…well, can't something." He shrugged helplessly, coming up short for an explanation. "But whatever it is, it is _not_ your fault."

"And you just know this how?" I pressed softly, blinking at the sudden press of tears behind my eyes.

"I know…I know because Elladan is…Elladan." He shrugged. Oh, how helpful. Thank you O Wise One. I rolled my eyes. "That's not what I meant. Elladan is…like a book written in a different but almost familiar language. You can sort of guess at what this word or that means, but you're not sure if you're interpreting it right. But to me, I know more of that language, so I can translate it better."

"And what language is this?"

"It's the language of love and loss, of personal hate for oneself."

Trelan hated, or had at one time anyway, himself? This made me slightly curious.

Before I could come up with a proper question to pose to him about it, though, he continued, "See, whatever everything means, Elladan could never really blame you for any real crime on your part. That isn't to say he doesn't unjustly blame people for things, but it is exactly that—_unjust_. And Dan…you know, he's actually always had a good sense of justice. Thus, he may act like he does but he can never _really_ blame anyone for anything that is not truly their fault."

I sat back, pondering that one. It was…interesting. The perspective, that is.

Trelan sighed and sat back as well, bringing my gaze up to his again. "Dan…he runs away from the things he can't face, and _that_ is what is going on here."

"What can't he face?" I queried helplessly.

"You."


	12. 12 Elladan

Conversations

Chapter 12 - Elladan

I couldn't help myself. I had to go see her. I didn't want her to see me…she was so angry the last time, and it was my fault, I don't think I could face her now. But I had to be near her. I suppose it's a little wrong of me to sneak around like this, but…ever since she did that…

No. I take that back. Even before she accidentally twined us together she had this inexplicable magnetism. I first felt it all those centuries -I guess it's only years for her- ago in Imladris; this sparking, shocking _desire_. Not really in a sexual way, though there have been times I felt something I think is very like it, but more of a desire in the way where I just wanted _her_. Her soul. Her laugh.

Her eyes haunt me. Even now, away from her, I close my eyes and focus and I can sense her, even _smell_ her, a sweet, sunshine-summer-day sort of scent. I have to wonder at my sanity sometimes.

Because I'm so pathetic and can't even stay away from my own personal torture device I went to the bookstore where I knew she was working today. I had sent her a text this morning reminding her, and I don't know why. It was more habit than anything, I think.

I followed her from a safe distance around the store, trying to be near her without being noticed, and I think I was fairly inconspicuous, though a slightly older woman did give me a few strange looks due to my attire. Even I will admit perhaps the hooded sweatshirt was too much for the warm day, but I had wanted to be able to hide my face if need be. I'll be the first to admit that though I have no intentions of _ever_ cutting my hair, I do get a lot of looks. Aragorn told me once that they were all drooling over my hot looks, but I'm sure I don't know what he is talking about.

She is so beautiful. I wondered what she was thinking about as she walked along shelves, stocking books from a cart down the way a little. As she walked towards the section I was in I ducked around to the other side of the shelf, my heart inexplicably hammering. Valar, what was wrong with me? Lurking in a bookstore for glimpses of the most perfect being…I am so pathetic.

I heard someone walk up and greet her, and she greeted _him_ back. I admit, a twinge of jealousy washed over me, until I tuned in to the rest of the conversation. I could tell by her tone and the irritation -not my own- washing over me that she did not want to be talking to this guy.

He was saying, no, asking, her about her lunch plans and I reflexively reached out and grabbed the shelf in front of me, gripping it so tightly my knuckles turned white. I anxiously awaited her answer, actually relieved but saddened also when she said she had plans. I wished I had the courage to join her, as I have done a few times before now, but I was feeling guilty and did not think she wanted to see me. Why torture myself more by her rejection? No, it was just easier to stay in the shadows.

Ugh, the jerk was asking her _out_. Hinting about a boyfriend. I wanted to just run around the corner waving my arms shouting "here I am!", but I didn't. When he persisted with the lunch date he was so damn keen on getting her to say yes to my arm jerked and I knocked a book to the floor by accident.

I bent to pick it up when I heard him making sick comments about seeing if she blushed all over, and the book fell from my numb fingers. I was very keen on punching his lights out…the crack of his nose breaking would have been very satisfying just then.

I finally managed to get the stupid book in my hand, when I heard her tell him to remove his hand. He was _touching_ her? Touching _my girl_? How dare he! Oh, I was itching to show him who the better man was. I looked down at the book in my hands, embarrassed to see I had ripped the jacket a little. I reached up to set it back on the shelf when she suddenly rounded the corner.

I panicked. I admit it. I panicked and fled, instead of facing up to her. Instead of taking down that jerk for her. I should have stayed…I should…no, I doubt she'd be happy to see me. But _why_ hadn't she told me that prick was bothering her? As soon as I got outside I leaned up against the wall, pushing the hood off my head.

Valar, this sweatshirt was uncomfortable. Peeling it off I exposed the band shirt, one of _her_ favourites, Boyce Avenue, I had underneath. I tied the sweatshirt around my waist, then fished out the little TrakPhone Raina had insisted all of us carry. Looking through the little phonebook I found Trelan's number and sent him a text asking him to take Raina out for lunch today. I didn't say why…not enough space, for one. And two, what was I going to say? That I was too much of a coward?

He promptly texted back with an 'ok' and asking why, but I ignored it, placing the phone back into my pocket and pushing away from the building. I had to go somewhere, anywhere. I thought for a moment and realised that Elrohir had probably by this time told Tira everything…maybe she could help me figure this out…

-0-

Well. That was…not as helpful as I hoped. Elrohir has been slacking. He begged and bothered me until I told him fine, he could tell Tira whatever he wanted…and then he goes and says nothing to her? Slacking.

I probably said a lot more than I intended. I actually confessed one of my many heinous crimes…

Pushing those thoughts away, I instead thought about this morning, everything that had happened. Not eavesdropping on my brother, of course…no, that was too painful, the things that were said. I was thinking of that jerk that touched my Raina…but then, is she mine? Oh, I don't even know anymore.

As I headed back towards Texas, I thought about him more and more. And got angrier and angrier. He had no right touching a girl that was unwilling, and Raina had been, to my relief, unwilling. Something would have to be done about this.

So I did something.

I made my way back to Borders, sans hoodie this time, and used my hunter's skills to seek the jerk out. I didn't have to look hard, he and some very pretty but under-dressed girl were out in the employee parking lot, at the small table provided for breaks, not far from the dumpsters. I will not go into what they were doing, for it fair made my stomach turn.

I watched him in disgust for a few minutes until they stopped attempting to eat each other's faces and he stood up. I could clearly hear him from my vantage point behind a really beat up, ugly yellow thing that may have at one point been a car…

"Hey babe, I gotta go back in. You know." I peeked over, grimacing as he totally copped a feel of her chest right there in the open. And she put up with this? Talk about low self-esteem, to allow some prick like this guy to touch you -in public, nonetheless- in that fashion.

She walked away, but he didn't go back in immediately, instead drew out a shiny, obviously new, phone, one of those i-somethings. Tira had one, and she liked to scream at it for auto-correcting all her texts and making them wrong. I decided to listen in on his conversation, because, well, I had nothing better to do.

"Katie just left…no man…ha, yeah. She'll get hers. Prude. You just know she's screaming for a real man to show her…no, she has a boyfriend I think. I've seen him hanging around with her…some tall creepy looking guy, total pussy, wears his hair long like this is the 60s or something. Probably some hippy freak."

Wait…pussy? Having watched quite a bit of television in my time here, I recognised that as being an insult. I listened some more, and realised he was talking about Raina, my Raina…and I was, apparently, the pussy boyfriend. Oh, yes. Something must be done about this guy.

"Ha, no way. She'll never fill out one of those forms. Are you kidding me? If she wants to keep this job, she'll forget it ever happened. It's not harassment, dude…no, it's just me having a nice conversation…what, sir? She did? Well, I don't know where she got the idea that a good, clean young man like myself…exactly…"

I was seeing red. That was it. Standing up I came around the heap of junk and strolled towards the punk. I am by no means short -Raina measured me at six-three- and I keep myself toned. I had to, where I came from, because it was survival. Now, I do it because I don't want to lose my edge. Have to stay sharp, so I can beat ugly jerks like this. He saw me and paused in his conversation, then told the person on the other end he had to go take care of something.

I stopped and waited. "So…a little late to save the day, aren't you?" He smirked at me. "I saw her leave with some blond twerp. I knew it would happen, if not with me then someone. You are not man enough for her."

I didn't react, since I knew that "blond twerp" was Trelan. He frowned, seeing that his taunts weren't having any effect. I mean, really, that is basically lesson number one: don't let your opponent get to you.

Stupidly, he came up to me. I was amused to note he was at least half a foot shorter than me. "So, yeah. I hit on your girl. She wants me, I can just see it. What you gonna do about it?"

Wow, he just really wanted his face to meet the other side of his skull, didn't he? I smiled in a slow, predatory way. Then punched him in the face. The sound of his nose cracking was music.

Stumbling back, the wuss threw his hands up, cradling his face. "You broke my nose!"

"Yeah, and it felt good." I grinned, flexing my fingers.

"What'd you do that for? I'll have you brought up on charges!"

"You asked what I was going to do about you hitting on my girl. Well, that's what I did. Why, didn't catch it the first time?"

He backed up a step before straightening. "Was that a threat?"

"I don't make threats. I make promises."

"Watch it buddy, I know people. I can have you…deported back to whatever backwards country you come from in a heartbeat."

All I did was raise an eyebrow. Deported? Then it came to me…deportation: the legal eviction of a non-citizen. I laughed.

"You don't even know where I'm from."

"England or some stupid frou-frou place like that." He glared at me. Then, as if he thought I would be surprised by the manoeuvre, charged me. I, of course, was ready for this, and caught the charge by side-stepping him and then kicking him in the back of the knee before he could turn. All I can say is you don't know how much that hurts until you have it done to you. Let's just say, I never charged Glorfindel again after that…

He, of course, went down like a stone bird. I stood over him. "So, are you going to leave Keliann alone?"

"No way, man. She's wasted on you." He was spitting blood now, and it wasn't just from his nose. He had smashed his face to the asphalt when he 'tripped'.

I sighed. Really? Was this guy that stupid? I could do this all day. I had done this all day, in the past. Training with Glorfindel is certainly no walk in the park.

Reaching down I grabbed his collar and hauled him to his feet. Valar, he was puny. Getting all up into his personal space, I lowered my voice. "You have a choice here. You can back off and leave Keliann alone, or you can insist on being stupid and I can continue teaching you a lesson. I'm going to let you in on a little secret; I've been training in hand-to-hand combat since I was little. So, what is your answer?"

He glared at me, though the effect of it was not really intimidating. I mean, no one can take you seriously with dried blood all over your cheek and mouth. Come on. I surveyed my handiwork, pleased.

"Yeah, I'll back off. But you can bet I'm pressing charges, dick."

"You can try." I grinned wolfishly, showing all my teeth.

He did falter then, but the glare returned and he wrenched himself from my hold. "Whatever. I'll find a way. Punk. If you won't give me your name, and I can't get it from Keliann, I'll find a way. Watch your back."

Yeah, I'll do that. I raised an eyebrow, gave him a supercilious look. He backed up a few steps and I lunged towards him. Giving a shriek he turned tail and ran, and all I could do was laugh. I haven't had that much fun in a long time.

Feeling my phone vibrate, I looked to see Trelan had texted me.

_**D- that george guy…bothering R. Don't be stupid.**_

Um, sorry Trelan. Little late for that. But the admonition to not be stupid sobered me up some. What was I going to do about my new best friend and these 'charges'? For that matter, what was I going to do about Raina?

I am so messed up.


	13. 13 Tira

Conversations

Chapter 13 - Tira

Finally he shook his head with a sigh and turned back to the stove. I debated going up behind him and hugging him, but decided that might not be the safest move, and sat down at the table instead. I leaned my cheek up against my fist, watching him stir whatever he had cooking in the pan. I was pleased to note he was using the cook spoon, not the tableware I had yelled at him about. I guess they can be taught!

I took a deep breath, smelling the very obvious scent of baked beans. Cheat, he'd opened a can of Bush's. _That_ was his idea of a meal? I shook my head, chuckling a little.

"So, tell me again why you think you need to go to Texas?"

"Because I think it'll be fun, and I like Texas. Texas has always been good to me. Besides, Raina needs me. I can't properly meddle in her love life from here, no, meddling is definitely a one-on-one sort of thing. And don't get me started on your brother, eh? Hypocrite."

The screen door banged and I looked over to see Trelan looking rather irritated. He came over to the table and plopped down into another chair, then stared at me. I grinned.

"What, exactly, do you think you can accomplish by going to Texas?"

"That's what _I've_ been trying to figure out, and haven't gotten a real answer yet." Elrohir muttered.

"She'll answer me." Trelan grumped. "Or else."

I raised an eyebrow. Or else? Was he for real? I laughed. "Or else, Trey? Is that seriously the best threat you can come up with? Please. If Elrond was unable to instil fear-"

"Or respect." Elrohir interrupted. I ignored him and continued.

"In me with his _threats_, what makes you think 'or else' is going to do the trick?"

"You're avoiding answering the question." Elrohir said in a sing-song. Trelan was leaning back in his chair, arms crossed, waiting.

I shot Elrohir a dirty look. "Mind your business, slave. Cook dinner."

He snorted and turned back to his beans. I emulated Trelan's pose and returned the stare. Two could play at this game, and I was in a good mood. For now. I wanted to see just how long I could get away with not answering before he got mad enough at me to do something, or yell at me, or make more threats.

I did hear a few noises outside, and the wargs started making noises. I realised they probably wanted out and aimed to do that as soon as my contest of wills with Trelan was over.

"Just answer the question."

"Forty-two." I replied promptly.

He made a noise in his throat that was a cross between a growl and…something. I snickered. Oh, this was fun.

"Lemon and honey can help that throat problem you have." I widened my eyes. "Oh, and if you have some congestion, I have an onion I can cut up for you to put in your socks."

"What? What the hell does an onion have to do with anything?" Elrohir said, at the same time Trelan sat forward and thumped his fist on the table saying "I am _not_ congested!"

They make it too easy.

"Well, you were making that odd noise, I thought you were ill or something." I shrugged. Turning to Elrohir, I flashed him a smile and said sweetly, "How's them beans coming along?"

He let out a quiet curse and turned around, rescuing the burning beans. Ah, far too easy.

"Tira," Trelan sighed. "Please just answer the question I asked concerning what you hope to accomplish in Texas."

"A nice tan."

I grinned happily as he slapped his forehead and groaned. I was pretty much just goading him into wording his question so specifically I could not take it in any way other than what he intended. I was curious as to how long this would take. A laugh at the door made us all look over, to see Legolas there. I was shocked. Legolas normally avoided my place, mostly because of the wargs, unless he felt a need to take pot-shots at squirrels and pinecones.

"What are you doing here?"

"Breathing. What are you doing?" He grinned.

Narrowing my eyes I bared my teeth. He thinks he's such a comedian. Because I am not as easy as Trelan to sidetrack, I carefully reworded my question. "I meant, what are you doing here in New Hampshire? Last I heard you were in…Texas."

"Word on the street is that you're up to something."

"Where _do_ you get your information?" I wondered, though I meant it rhetorically. I didn't really care to know.

"Tira, focus." Trelan ground his teeth together in obvious ire. "What do you hope to accomplish in Texas concerning Raina and Elladan's relationship?"

I flashed him a genuine grin. That was _much_ better. I knew he was a smart elf. "Forgiveness."

"What for?"

"For whomever needs it the most."

My answer must have surprised him, because he didn't say anything else, just tilted his head and watched me. It made me a little uneasy to have him be so scrutinising, but when you think about it what isn't creepy about having an elf, who should technically not exist, stare at you?

"How did you do it?" Legolas stared at Trey's silent form. "I've been trying to shut him up for years and you managed to do it in six words."

Trelan shot Legolas a dirty look before turning back to me. "What makes you think anyone needs forgiveness, anyway?"

"Everyone needs it at some point." I shrugged. "In this case, Elladan needs to forgive what's-her-name, as well as forgive himself for how he let it affect him. Elrohir, you need to forgive Elladan for pushing you away. Raina needs to forgive him just for being a wretch. As for me? I need to thank him for giving me a good excuse to go back to Texas."

Three sets of eyes were on me, making me a little self-conscious. Finally Legolas spoke. "I…see."

"Are you sure of that now?" I injected some good Scottish brogue into my tone, making him smile slightly.

"When it comes to you and the others, and this entire ridiculous trip, the twins, Elladan's moodiness, your apparent love for those nasty dogs, and everything else that confuses me, which is a lot, I am not sure of anything."

"They are not _dogs_, Legolas, they are wargs. And what can I say? I love animals, and they happened to be in my woods. I can't let a puppy _starve_. They, I can only assume, came here to _my_ time the same bizarre and unexplainable way _you_ did."

"Are we seriously discussing wargs?" Elrohir asked, plunking a bowl of beans before me. "What happened to Texas?"

"Nothing happened to Texas, it's still located in South Central North America."

He sent me a half-hearted glare. I looked down at the bowl and felt ill at the thought of beans. "Anyone up for pizza?"

While we were all pigging out on pizza (even Elrohir had agreed—beans didn't appeal to him either), I brought the laptop into the kitchen and booted it up.

"So, does anyone want to, I don't know, keep me company by flying on a real plane and travelling the human way for once?" I asked as I searched for cheap one-way flights to Fort Worth. It's not like I couldn't afford another ticket, I had plenty of money in my account.

They all hemmed and hawed. I gave Elrohir a very pointed look. "It wasn't so much a request as a demand."

"But human travelling is so _slow_." He whined.

"Gee, so sorry I happen to be human." I grumped, clicking on a flight that left tomorrow evening. I already knew I could get one of my boys to watch the wargs and my two assistants could handle the store fine without me for a week or two.

He sighed, as if I was laying a heavy burden on him. "Fine, I'll travel with you."

"Aw, I'm so glad you want to keep me company." I grinned at his scowl. "Two tickets it is."

"You know," Legolas began.

"No, I don't know. Enlighten me." I deadpanned.

He sent me a wry smile. "If you let me finish, then you _would_ know. Anyway, I was just curious. I know you own that little shop where you sell your jewellery and such, but…how much do you actually bring in with that? Do these buildings not have much upkeep cost? How can you afford plane tickets?"

I picked at my pizza, trying to figure out what I wanted to tell him. I know they had all at one time or another heard me complaining about taxes and overhead costs, so deflecting them from what I was not under any coercion about to reveal would be tough. I decided to go with a random not-answer.

"Any good Blue One knows her way around money, of course. Good planning and all that sort of financial hoodoo. A penny saved is a penny earned. You know."

He stared at me, one eyebrow raised. I don't think I was convincing, and it showed when Elrohir leaned in towards me.

"Then why do you always complain that you have no money?"

I rolled my eyes. What _is_ it with these guys? They're like dogs with bones. "_Because_ it's a human thing to always complain about something. Haven't you figured it out yet that humans are never freaking satisfied?"

I was getting fed-up with this conversation. Whatever answer they were trying to get from me was _not_ going to arrive, not even if they hogtied me and tickled me till I cried. My secrets were _my_ secrets, and they had absolutely no business knowing them.

"Enough about me and my finances. I can afford it, that's all that matters." I flattened my hand with a loud smack onto the table. "We leave tomorrow evening, so I have some calls to make concerning my wargs. Enjoy your pizza."

Standing up I left the laptop where it was and left the room. Hmph. Since when did I ever talk about myself in any sort of _personal_ way? Grabbing up my phone from the table where I'd had it charging and scrolled through the numbers till I found Gabriel's cell.

We agreed to meet at Lafeyette's for coffee, his treat, and I gathered up my keys and wallet to head out, only remembering the elves in my kitchen last minute. I detoured that way, only to see them all heading out the door, leaving all the boxes and plates for _me_ to clean. Or so they thought.

I followed them and stood on the porch, allowing the door to slam to catch their attention. Three guilty faces turned to look at me.

"I do _not_ think so, boys." I said. "You _will_ clean that kitchen, and you _will_ do it now."

"But, you love us." Elrohir tried. I raised an eyebrow at him.

"That's why I'm making you clean your mess, because I love you. That, and you know I have many ways of seeking revenge when least expected. So, if you don't want to find something disastrous happening to your person, march your elven butts right back inside."

Grumbling, they did so. I followed them long enough to let Elrohir know I was meeting Gabriel in town. He paused in his loading of the dishwasher to look up at me.

"Gabriel?"

I narrowed my eyes at his jealous tone. Jealousy is _not_ something I will condone. "Yes, my best _friend_ that I grew up with. He'll be taking care of the wargs while I'm gone, so we're going over details."

"Didn't we meet him…that summer?" Legolas asked.

"Yes, you did."

"Nice guy, as I recall. Have fun."

"I intend to." I shot Elrohir one more warning look and he blushed under my scrutiny, as if realising he was acting in the wrong.

I went out to the driveway and paused before getting into my car, letting the fresh breeze curl around me. After feeling refreshed, I got in and turned the engine over. I'd forgotten I had my American Hi-Fi CD in the player, and it started up where it had last left off with _What About Today_. I really hate it when my music plays fortune-teller. The iPod does it all the time. It's often rather annoying and too close to home when song after song that coincides with the current emotions or concerns plays.

Sticking my tongue out at the player I put the car into gear and headed to town, looking forward to that coffee.

Gabriel was already at our usual table by the time I arrived, and had my coffee waiting for me. He's known me since we were in diapers, so it is not surprising he knows exactly how I like my coffee.

He stood up to hug me before we both sat down for talking.

"Haven't seen you in awhile, love."

"Well, I've been busy." I shrugged. "Not to mention, you know how to get to my house and you're always welcome."

"True. Azrael's been taking a lot of time off, though. I think he's found a girl, personally, but he refuses to tell us anything."

"Oh ho, really now." I grinned.

Gabriel's face turned stern. "Leave him alone, Cass."

"Don't call me that." I stuck my tongue out at him.

"I'm sorry. I know you don't like it…it's hard to think of you as _Tira_, though."

"Well, get used to it. It's my legal name now, remember?"

"Yes, I remember. I helped you file the papers." He smiled gently at me. "But we're not here to talk about the past. Unless, of course, you want to?"

"No." I sighed. "Not today, anyway."

I looked up to see him studying me, a concerned look on his face. "You're not having nightmares again, are you? You look tired."

"No, it's something else. Don't worry, I'm doing okay." I smiled. Damn, but I should have remembered Gabe -and his brothers- were perceptive, especially where I was concerned.

"If you're sure. Anyway, why do you need me to watch those beasts?"

"I'm going to Texas. You remember my friend I told you about, Raina?"

"I think so…yes."

"She's having a few boy problems, so I'm going to take a vacation and help her through them. No one better, right?" I smiled crookedly in a facetious way.

"Don't talk about yourself like that, Cas-Tira. If anyone can help her with relationship troubles, it's you."

"Aw, thanks Gabe. But you don't need to lie for my benefit."

He gave me a nonplussed look. "I'm never going to convince you you're not a bad person, am I?"

I shrugged. "It is what it is."

He sighed. "Whatever. How long do you think you'll need me?"

"Forever." I tried to grin. "No, I don't know. I haven't decided how long I'm staying. I'll let you know when I am coming back, eh."

"I suppose." He reached out and grabbed my hand, giving a little squeeze. "And what about your relationship. How is that going?"

What _is it_ with these personal questions lately? I shrugged. "Ro and I are doing ok. It's his brother, actually, that's giving Raina such troubles. He's coming to Texas with me, hopefully to beat the snot out of Dan and making my job easier."

"Dan is not doing anything…?"

"No, nothing like that. Just being a boob, mainly. A few good smacks to the head ought to cure him."

He was eyeing me in that perceptive way again, and I scowled. "Stop looking at me like that. My relationship is fine, and hers will be when I get done with him."

"Just remember, you can call any of us if things…don't feel right."

"I will. I _promise_."

"That's all I ask." He sat back and grinned.

"Now, if we're done playing counsellor?"

"Done. For tonight, anyway."

I shot him an exasperated look. "Don't let's go there, eh."

He held his hands up in mock surrender. "I just want you to be happy."

"I _am_. I'm happy for the first time in a long time. Ro and I…we're meant for this."

"I'll take your word for it. I don't know him well enough to judge."

"Well, that's between you and him. I can't do much about him finding friends other than those he already has." I shrugged.

"Just be careful, Cassie. I don't want to see you get hurt again."

I sighed, picked up my cup and finished the last of my drink. "That's not going to happen this time."

When I got back to the house Elrohir was lounging on the couch flipping through channels. I threw my keys on the small table by the door, kicked off my sneakers, then collapsed on the other side of the sectional.

"How'd your coffee date go?"

"It wasn't a date, it was a meeting between friends, and it was fine." I said from underneath the arm I'd thrown over my face.

"I'm sorry." He sighed. "I just…I don't…I'm being stupid."

"Nice of you to realise that."

"I'm not normally the jealous type." He ignored my sarcasm. "I just…I don't know. You're the first girl I've ever really _liked_, you know. I'm still figuring out what this all means."

I felt him move. Heaving a sigh I removed my arm and sat up to see what he was doing. He had sat forward, elbows on his knees and hands dangling, head down. He looked so…apologetic and miserable I couldn't help but feel for him.

"I'm sorry, too." I said, moving over to him. "It's just…you met Jay. He was a very jealous person, and he took it out on me."

Oops. Had I said too much? I hoped he didn't realise the meaning behind that.

He shifted towards me, angling his body so that he was more or less facing me. Picking up my hand he began playing with my fingers, running the tips of his over my knuckles at various intervals. It felt a little weird and I stifled a giggle.

"I…I _love_ you, Tira. I don't…I don't really know, now, what I would do without you in my life. It's new, yes, but it feels _right_ to me, also. I have…you know Dan and I can feel each other?"

"Yes?" I said slowly, questioningly. Where was he going with this?

"Well…that's similar to the bond we, as elves I mean, have with our spouse…and…well…someday I look forward to maybe sharing that with you."

Aw, how…sweet? Perhaps a little disturbing. As a human, could I even feel my half of that bond? I'd have to find Aragorn and ask him. And what did one have to do to achieve this bond? I didn't think marriage alone would miraculously make it appear. Was it a sexual thing? Or just a…_soul_ thing?

"I…I want you."

I jerked my hand back, his words springing repressed memories free. He startled at my reflex and looked at me.

"What did I say?" He asked, honestly confused.

"I'm…sorry." I breathed deeply through my nose, then shook my head, pushing those memories away. "It's not you, it was…"

"Let me guess…Jay?" A derisive snort followed his words.

"Yeah."

"Forget about him."

"I will when you forget about what's-her-name."

"I concede the point." He smiled slightly. "So I didn't do anything?"

"No. It wasn't you at all."

"Are you sure?"

"_Elrohir_."

"Yeah, yeah."

I glanced at the clock, surprised to see how late it was, and I hadn't even begun packing yet! "We need to go to bed. Up early tomorrow to pack and stuff."

He looked…irritated? At the subject change, but conceded and stood up with me. Picking up my hand he kissed it lightly.

"Have a good sleep, my lady."

What a weirdo. Cute, but weird.

The following morning, almost as soon as I had finished breakfast, I was flying all over the place looking for specific items I just _had_ to pack, like those sparkly purple leggings that just went _so_ well with that black skirt, and the newest jam I wanted Raina to taste-test. The time went by way too fast, especially since I had to help Elrohir pack a small bag, as he was "being human" and I told him he wasn't allowed to just pop back here, or whatever it is they did to travel, for new clothes everyday.

He put up a minor argument, but I won in the end. I always win.

We made it to the airport in time for check-in. This was always the fun part, for me. I dug through my purse searching for my paperwork, pulling it out with a triumphant grin. It was a little crumpled and worn, I'll admit, but papers in purses tend to do that. Elrohir watched all this with an intent look, obviously reaffirming his desire to not travel "human" ever again.

So sue me, I make plane travel difficult. Handing my papers to the security officer, she scanned them briefly, then nodded and handed them back, motioning me through the arch. Of course, as expected in this day of high-security, it went off, even though I'd dutifully removed my keys and belt and shoes and everything.

I glanced back at Elrohir to see him watching me wide-eyed, obviously wondering. I had explained metal-detectors to him, but had neglected to tell him pretty much my entire left forearm was one big rod of steel. Or, I guess, two little rods? Either way, it looks odd on an x-ray. It happened many years ago, when I was in a pretty bad accident and almost lost my arm completely, if not for emergency surgery and a doctor that liked to experiment.

My elbow is also metal, though I am really not at all sure of how the whole shebang is made. It never interested me enough to ask. It's not just my arm, of course. I have various plates and pins and screws elsewhere, holding bones together and all that, you know, what steel plates are for, but the bulk of it is in my arm. Gabe's brother Azrael still teases me about my "terminator" arm.

I will say, it makes being cold almost unbearable. In fact, I don't know why I stay in such a cold climate…but that's neither here nor there.

By the time we got through that little party at the security arch, it was almost time for boarding. I inwardly cringed, knowing as soon as he had the chance Elrohir was going to ask me what the whole thing had been about and why I made the alarm shriek so. He doesn't go shopping at the mall with me often, so he's never had cause to experience it before, and I don't _always_ set alarms off…it depends on how high the setting is on the thing.

Once we had boarded and was settled, the impending question was asked. I had expected it, but the accusation in his voice when he did stunned me. He was, apparently, upset that I'd not told him. I informed him it wasn't relevant to our relationship, really.

"What about when you broke your arm…before?" He asked with a pout.

"That was my right arm, not my left. I don't think my left can be broken again." I'd never had cause to think about it, really. "Besides, does it really matter? It was a car accident when I was younger. I survived, I'm here. I just happen to have a few pounds of metal holding me together."

"It's bizarre." He stated. "But…I suppose if it doesn't bother you I have no reason to be upset."

"Precisely. You can be so weird sometimes."

"I love you."

"You're still weird."


	14. 14 Raina

Conversations

Chapter 14 - Raina

I did not want to return to work, reluctant as I was to go anywhere near the spazz who thought he was hot stuff. Elladan was by far more appealing…but I wouldn't let my mind go there. I tried to bolster my confidence, to steel my resolve; I wasn't the kind of person who let things get to them so much they couldn't keep up their end of responsibilities.

When I pulled back into my parking spot at Borders, I was seized by a single thought, one desire: _Where was Elladan with a hug, some comfort, and a good dose of that wonderful protective streak?_

It was no use pondering. I tried to shake myself loose from these useless wonderings, these fruitless desires.

I had grown quiet the closer we got back to Borders, and when I shut the engine off, Trelan reached over and touched my arm, giving me pause as I prepared to get out. I looked up and he gave me a serious expression. "Call me if you need me or he tries anything, alright? I'll be here."

I felt inexplicably relieved and stared at him with gratitude flooding me. "Thank you," I whispered.

"No need." He smiled tightly. "I know you feel you need to be here and I can't do anything about the environment, but I wouldn't leave you alone with this."

I took a deep breath and gave him a small nod, strained a smile and got out.

I dreaded going back inside, but I was relieved to find out that George had taken the rest of the day off due to "not feeling well." I had to repress a snort at that, thinking it so typical—he was so high on himself and being knocked down by a girl must've done a number on his pride. Not that I particularly cared about it, I was just glad he was gone.

The rest of the day passed without incident, thankfully, but when I got home I was quite happy that the bulk of my day was over. The house was empty, so I retreated to my room and buried myself in music -I was in a Boyce Avenue mood and they do wonderful covers as well as writing fantastic originals- and organizing myself, mostly by either cleaning or determining what the rest of my week looked like.

I had an on-sight survey to do tomorrow for my internship, so I readied what I would need. When I had exhausted my varied list of things to do, I settled in to pound out a 1,000 word article comparing the wildfires that had burned their way across so much of drought-marred Texas to the unusual stormy weather we've had so late into the year this year (unusual compared to the past several years, at least). Thousands of fires, hundred-thousands of acres burned, and astronomical costs of the damages—last year had closed as the worst year of wildfires in Texas history. The rains then, this year, had seemed so strange a thing to be experiencing, the frequent downpours lasting even late into June.

It was in the midst of editing a proof I was doing for a client, though, that I heard the front door open and close. I froze, wondering which elf (or ranger?) had entered my house. I frowned, then figured whoever it was could come find me, since they didn't bother with the doorbell in the first place. It briefly crossed my mind that it could be Elladan, but I decided if he wanted to see me, he could seek me out.

Someone knocked on my closed bedroom door. I glanced up from the papers on my desk and turned the music down, calling for whoever it was to come in.

It was Trelan who entered and, without preamble, gave me a very shrewd look and said. "Enough of that, come on. I brought dinner, and we're going to watch a movie."

I blinked at him. "But…" I gestured to my work.

"If that's the work for Johnsons, I know for a fact you have two more days before your deadline and that's plenty of time. You've been hiding out since you got home, haven't you." As he had done at lunch, it wasn't a question.

I shot him a sheepish look.

He quirked a brow. "I knew as much. You've been working all day, come on." And without waiting for me to argue or deliberate over it, he gestured to me and left.

I sighed and got up, stretching before I pressed my sparsely red-marked papers all back together. When I headed out to the dining room, it was to find that Trelan's idea of getting dinner tonight had been a couple of orders from Taco Bueno.

I wondered how he had paid for it, but he was asking me about work and how I was doing and what movie I wanted to watch. Shaking my head and giving it up as inevitable, I suggested something with a lot of action and intrigue, like Eagle Eye or Clear and Present Danger.

We settled on Firewall instead. Go figure.

When I at last turned in for the evening, I found myself dressed and ready for bed and pacing my room, restless rather than sleeping as I was supposed to be. My head was spinning, the cover and stillness that comes with night stirring my thoughts into a frenzy.

I was trying to make sense of my own feelings, Elladan's words and actions, and what Elrohir and Trelan had told me today. I was also trying to shake the memory of George's hands and breath all over me and wishing for a certain elf's attentions instead…_no, no, go no further, you bad mind_.

Finally, I decided to sit down and write to Elladan. I had begun journaling to my future husband many years before, and in the back of my closet, I had a box of journals full of my most intimate thoughts and frivolous ramblings. When it had become apparent to me that a certain dark-haired elf was the one, after he had told me he loved me and I felt the confirmation of that deep-seated _knowing_ deep within my soul, I had taken to addressing him more directly in journal entries that I would one day let him read.

I cracked open the journal I was on and put pen to the paper, trying to sort through my thoughts in another letter to him.

_I miss you. I know I don't really know where you are or what you're doing or what all of this means…heck, I'm not even sure I _know_ you, or at least, not as well as I know I want to…but it seems crazy what's going on, eh. I like intrigue, I like mysteries…but I don't like unresolved riddles and issues. Sooner or later, the plot has to end and a new one begun; one chapter closes with its point and a new one starts with the next lesson, so we keep moving forward._

_Idling…in all this unknown? _This_ does not feel right; and it does not sit well with me. It feels like waiting around on a train that is never coming. There's nowhere to run, you know; nowhere to run but forward, so why are you going the wrong way?_

I paused and sat back, thinking over this question and pondering what I wanted to say next. I tapped the pen against my mouth for a moment, then slowly I began to once again pour out my thoughts.

_I don't like secrets. Harmless ones are fine, but those are things like what you're getting someone for their birthday or Christmas or just because you were thinking of them. Harmless secrets are planning something special for someone just because you felt like blessing them._

_But secrets about one's past? No. In a relationship, there has to be honesty…or there is no relationship. What is love without trust? Both -of relationships and love- are travesties, and you should know I have no respect for a travesty. I want to be true, or else what am I? A fake…I can't live like that. I won't._

_So what are you waiting for?_

Sighing, I tossed the pen down and gave it up as a bad job; nothing else was coming to me and I knew I could postulate for hours and get nowhere further—that this entry had gotten me as far as it could.

Finally, I decided to shut off the light and crawl into bed, but I felt so empty and sad, waiting for sleep seemed never ending in the darkness.

-0-

I scowled at myself in the mirror as I attempted to fix my hair. The blonde locks were being errant and I felt miserable enough to consider it all as horrible. I gave a tug at my hair and suddenly the clip I was putting it all up in snapped. Growling slightly, I tossed it away from me. It just figured, didn't it?

Today…today started _out_ bad. It wasn't one of those _I never should have gotten out of bed_ days, because it had started going downhill _before_ I had gotten out of bed.

I'm sure at some point, this day had been nice…but that was before I woke up. Waking up to Elladan whispering my name, only for it to register and for me to automatically answer _yes?_, then turn over to find the room empty—well, it had set the precedent for this day. I dreamt of him there, of him near me, of him saying my name, because I loved the way he called me _Raina_, as if it was the most beautiful combination of syllables in the whole world to him…or the whole of all the worlds and universes that there are, rather.

I dreamt of him and woke myself up over it early. Another few hours of sleep wouldn't have been remiss, you know.

And, all I could think as I stared at the ceiling and blew out my breath heavily was "great, I'm _already_ dreaming about him being back." So my day started out feeling outrageously horrible and everything else had followed.

I burned my breakfast, cut my hand on some nail in my closet that I swear had not been there before, found my iPod to be dead (though how that one had happened, I really wasn't sure; it'd had a nice charge yesterday morning and I hadn't used it enough to drain it), stubbed my toe horribly on a chair in the dining room, I couldn't find an outfit I was comfortable in, my hair wouldn't cooperate…then I broke my clip.

Well. Blast all this. I had work to get to.

I stuck my tongue out at myself in the mirror, but really I was just saying _pfft_ to everything else about this day that had been so horrible, including the dream that had just made everything start off ruined.

I finished getting ready to go, but even as I locked up my house and entered the early morning sunshine, the same miserable mantra of questions that had been buzzing in my head all morning were still vying for the idle attention of my brain.

Where was Elladan?

How many times had I wondered that?

How many times had I wondered _that_ one, too?

Too many times, I think.

Gah, my head was too addled for me. I didn't like it. I needed a distraction and something to get my frazzled nerves settled. I popped Avril Lavigne's _Let Go_ into the stereo and cranked it up until I was satisfied.

_Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby? Right now, I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real. Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you? …_

Ah. The beat hit the spot and yes, I most definitely sang along with a lot of personal inflection in my tone.

I turned my attention to an architectural design for a water garden I had been pondering before all this mess began, thinking about the closed water system that, if I did it just right, could potentially generate its own energy for the recycling system; also, the size and shape of the pool, the plants and fish it should contain.

As I pulled up, my phone vibrated.

_**Want to go to lunch? I'm thinking chinese. You?**_ I glanced at the ID to see it informing me it was _Estel_. I snorted quietly with amusement, noting the early hour.

I did a quick search for Chinese food restaurants in the area of Eagle Mountain Lake, which was where I was today, working with Jean on a design for a new park. I don't know why the people who hired Earl and Jean (the owners of the landscape agency I was interning with) didn't choose someone closer, but I suspected my bosses had some kind of relationship, working or personal, with the client.

_**Sure, ranger. Meet you at Panda Express (1149 North Saginaw Boulevard) noonish.**_

Now that that was done. Time to get to work on something more enjoyable than Borders had been yesterday.

-0-

Or…not. How small was this world, seriously? What are the odds the client is one Gary Hiel, as in…George's _father_. And the dufus has apparently gone running to Mommy and Daddy, not bothering to go into work, even though I know, from having checked the schedule yesterday, he has a shift today.

And he was way more busted up than when I'd last seen him. I was certain I had not done that to him, but I almost wished that I had, since apparently, my decking his face yesterday didn't get the message across.

He kept following me around or watching me or grinning at me.

And when I went to get some paperwork from Jean's car, he cornered me with a grin -that was borderline feral- on his face.

"Hey sex-kitten." He _purred_ at me. Oh Lord help me…

"What do you want?" I was through being polite to him, and this stalking was creepy. A light in his eyes made me inwardly shiver.

"I want the name of that pussy boyfriend of yours." He spat at me, literally.

I gave him a slightly surprised, but still haughty look as I surveyed the damage to his face…two massive and very stunning black eyes, swollen nose and lips, scratched up chin…I also recalled having seen a chipped tooth when he grinned at me earlier.

"And why should I give you anyone's name?"

"Because I _will_ have justice. And I'll have you, one way or another."

Was that what I thought it was? Did he seriously threaten me with bodily assault? I shivered.

"I do not know what you're talking about, and I'm not telling you his name."

"You don't have to. I'll get it from this." He held up a small, shiny object that I immediately recognised as my phone. Checking my pocket, I gave a child-friendly curse.

I had left the phone on top of the clipboard, back with my tools in the yard. Stupid, stupid me.

"That could be considered theft, you know." I tried to stay calm.

George shot me an entirely fake look of shock. "Oh, it _could_, couldn't it. Well, by all means, take it back and let's forget this ever happened. No harm, no foul, right?" But the grin he flashed me was not a nervous one; in fact, it was downright victorious.

He tossed my phone at me and I realised the bind I was in. Causing a scene with the spoiled brat of some corporate bigshot who also happened to be so much of an important person in his community that he's financing the design of the park…well, it would not end well for me. Getting fired from my internship would not exactly be endearing on my résumé, for one thing.

I clenched my phone tightly, watching him amble off all smug and full of himself, the cad. I was very grateful that I would be meeting Aragorn for lunch in a little over an hour, which I felt could not pass fast enough.

And with the way George kept watching me in an obvious voyeuristic fashion, making my skin crawl until I was ready to tear my hair out, I found it hard to concentrate. Finally, my frustration and unease got to be too much and I found myself demanding where a certain absent elf was to take care of me.

_**Dang it, Dan. Where are you?**_ I regretted sending the text the moment after I pressed send, and the terrified guilt made something in my chest ache fiercely. I tried to tell myself to calm down, as I glanced at the time and told myself I could go soon, so soon…

_**That depends on why you're asking**_ Came the reply, unexpected in a way. _**Landscaping today right? Gary hiel? **_a few seconds after the first.

He had obviously recalled my schedule, which I wrote up on a big dry erase board on my fridge for a reminder. I wondered if I was reading too much into his replies.

I shook it off and took his text at face-value, which was elusiveness. So I just finished the text I had been sending him before he replied, instead. _**Never mind. Sorry I bothered you.**_ I winced as I hit send, suddenly wishing I had deleted those last three words.

A few minutes went by and I was afraid I had offended him when a call came through. Surprised, I stared at the ID flashing _Elladan_. He was _calling_ me? I finally had the sense to press the button. Before I could say anything, he breathed out a sigh.

"You don't bother me, Raina. Your grace feeds my soul in numerous ways."

Whoa. This was new. And a little weird.

"Tsk, tsk. Personal phone calls on the clock. That could be considered grounds for dismissal." The jerk's slimy, smug voice grated on my nerves.

I sighed, just wanting this day to be _over_. If it wasn't one, it was the other. Suddenly Dan made an odd noise, as if a lightbulb had gone off in his head.

"I'm sorry Raina, but I have to go. Just remember, you're _never_ bothersome to me."

Before I could reply, he'd hung up. I took the phone from my ear and gave it a confused look. I wasn't quite sure what exactly had just happened, or what he was up to, but it could not be good.

I found it difficult to believe I was not a bother to Dan, but I _did_ know who was a bother to _me_, and he was standing in my personal space _again_. I know I must have looked irritated, because Jean appeared at my side and asked if I was okay.

"I'm sorry Jean, I'm just…today's not a good day." I sent a sidelong glare towards a grinning George. Oh, the rat. He _knew_ he got on my nerves. Ugh.

"Well, try to get it together. We only have so much time. Check out the northwest corner; I want your opinion on how to go about incorporating what's already there." She gestured vaguely before turning to something on her iPhone, probably something company related, I knew.

I gave her a nod, understanding what she wanted me to do, but wishing that I didn't have to. No one was _over_ there, it was _secluded_, and it wasn't long after I started that direction that my personal stalker followed.

Hang consequences. I _knew_ George was going to try something. I wasn't going to give him that chance. No, the first chance I got, I was going to give the prick a message he _couldn't_ misinterpret.

Knowing this, when I got there, I dropped my satchel where I kept all the tools of my soon-to-be trade and wandered aimlessly around the area. I tapped my pen absently against my chin and occasionally made notes on the clipboard I had with me, as if I was detailing and assessing the scenery; I even made a few doodles to work from later, but my heart wasn't really in the work. Really, I was just waiting for the idiot to make his move so I could get him off my back.

Perhaps he'd learned something the first time, though. He didn't approach. Not yet. No, he just stood there watching me with a look that suddenly struck me as…randy. Why was the lech just begging for sexual harassment charges? I would _never_ give him what he wanted.

"Continue looking at me like that and you'll find your butt in court." I finally announced.

He scoffed. "Not if you want to keep either one of your jobs."

I paused. The jerk had no clue these were side-jobs and I wouldn't be in too much of a tight spot to lose either one of them. Granted, losing my internship was not appealing, but I could get by.

I ground my teeth and turned towards him. "What do you want, George?" I forced out.

"You, babe." He leered at me, as if he felt he was getting close to his prize.

"First off, do not call me that. Second, I am not yours for the taking. Third, none of this is worth _you_. So kindly turn and walk away."

He scowled at me and came closer. "Why don't we hash this out like adults? You give me what I want and I don't write you up." His thinly-veiled insinuations were obvious as he advanced with a no-holds barred salaciousness.

I shifted my weight, sliding one foot forward into a defensive stance, preparing to kick the cad a nasty one where he'd not like _at all_ when he got close enough, but I blinked as suddenly George was blindsided by someone else. The tussle went to the ground and was very short-lived, and was never in the blond's favour. My mouth dropped open as I recognised my tall, dark-haired protector.

There was a pained shout, the sickening sound of flesh hitting flesh once, twice, and George was no longer conscious. The prick had it coming to him, but the dark look on Elladan's face terrified me. And when, after wiping his bloodied hands on George's shirt with obvious disgust, he stood up and rounded on me, the absolutely outraged look he turned on me speared me through.

Hands fisted, jaw clenched, and eyes flashing fire, he crossed the distance between us so quickly I hadn't even processed he had until I found myself craning my neck back to stare up into his truculent face as he towered over me, and I almost stepped back out of raw terror at that virulent look. Before I could though, he leaned in, getting all up in my face, and hissed, "_Never_, _ever_ let some lecherous lout get that close to you _again_, got it? Just take him down and be _done_ with it."

I gulped as he lifted his hands towards my shoulders, fingers outstretched with a rigid tension. My heart hammered in my throat and I was frozen to the spot, petrified. His breath was a heavy and harsh, angry sound that filled my ears, offset by the roaring in them, and his furious eyes swept my face with a frightening intensity.

His hands hovered at my shoulders for a second, then he roughly seized me and drew me up closer, as if to violently give me a solid and staggering, terrifyingly forceful kiss.

I gasped a quiet, wordless cry, frightened and reckless all at once, and he abruptly shoved me away, physically pushing past me as he walked off. I stumbled back and turned after him, my heart trying to batter its way out of my chest.

"D-_Dan_!" I choked out in a strangled shout, and he suddenly broke into a dead run. He disappeared as precipitously as he had come without once looking back.

Confused, terrified tears were burning in my eyes and I bit back the sudden sob that jerked my thorax. I pressed the heels of my hands against my temples and closed my eyes, feeling two hot tears slide down my cheeks as I tried to deal with what had just happened. To be essentially come on to twice in as many days was emotionally difficult enough; whatever the heck Elladan had just done was too hard to assimilate, and the emotive high from it left me addled.

"What the _hell_ is going on here?" an angry voice suddenly demanded from behind me and I gave a start, whipping around to see the surly figure of Gary Hiel.

"He…" I hiccupped, trying to explain.

The man dropped down beside his son and pressed two fingers to George's neck, searching for a pulse. Then he turned furious eyes on me. "What the hell did you do?"

"He…he…" I hiccupped uselessly again as the tears finally began rolling down my face. I was trembling so hard I shouldn't even be on my feet anymore and, as if noting this was some kind of key, my knees gave out and I stumbled to the ground. I clenched my violently shaking hands in the material of my skirt and jerked with a sob, then another. "He…he tried…tried to…"

"What's going on? What's wrong?" Jean came running up, breathless and wide-eyed as she took in the scene.

"Your bitch of an intern has attacked my son, _again_."

Now that just wasn't fair, but all I could do was utter a wordless cry.

"Why?" Jean demanded.

I raised a helpless hand. "He tried…he tried to…" Enough with this sobbing already. How was I ever going to explain myself? But I couldn't stop, and I'd never cried quite like this before, just so uncontrollably when I wasn't even speaking. Well, I was speaking, or trying to at least, but still.

Gary was pulling out a cellphone and muttering expletives and angry threats about what he was going to do to me over this. Jean sent him a harsh frown as she came over and dropped down beside me. "Alright, alright. Keliann, calm down and tell me what happened."

Calm down? _Calm_ _down_? That _cad_ kept trying to get himself all over me and I was so sick of men trying to force me into things I did not want and not _caring_ what I wanted and my boyfriend had just done _something_ -I wasn't even sure _what_- and he had looked so angry and so strange and he'd…I didn't even know.

Suddenly, I clued in that my mouth was running, hiccoughing its way through an explanation. "He keeps trying to come on to me and I _told_ him I don't want that, and he won't leave me alone, and this is the second time he's come after me, and he cornered me, making threats about making me lose my job if I didn't agree, and I _refuse_ to be _touched_ by him so _forgive_ _me_ if I'm not exactly calm right now and _excuse me_ for _defending_ myself against the lecherous advances of a _self_-_centered_ _prick_!"

I jumped to my feet, brushing Jean off and just running. What was _wrong_ with people these days? Why did everyone side with that loose, disgusting _pig_? I paused only long enough to roughly snatch my satchel up before I flew blindly back to my car. I clawed around in my bag for my keys and my hands were shaking so much with fury and pain and confusion and all the terror of memories, past and present, that it took me three tries to actually press the button to unlock the door, because I kept dropping the dratted things.

I slammed my door and hit the lock, quickly buckling up and swiping at my face enough to clear my vision. Flushed, angry, and shaken, I turned the engine over and peeled out of there, not even caring that I was leaving this way and not even caring what it was going to cost me.

I wasn't going to let myself lose so much more just to keep a job or a nice résumé. I cared more about myself, my body, my virginity…my sanity…my peace of mind. No one was going to take from me the things I didn't want them to have; no one could steal from me what I won't let them take.

I blasted the heaviest music I had on my iPod all the way home, from stuff off of Skillet's Collide and some of their darker material on Awake and Alive, to Red's End of Silence, to Pillar's Confessions. Inwardly, I was a boiling, agitated, fraught mess the entire way, but I was composed and I was focused.

George Hiel was going to land his butt in jail, if I could manage it (I definitely wanted him to, at least). If not, I was going to get a restraining order and I'd find somewhere else to work, even somewhere else to intern, if I had to.

As for Elladan, there were times I just wanted him there so I could deck his face again, and demand he tell me what that back there had been. Other times, I just wanted him there to scream at and then collapse into and tell him that I hated this, hated feeling like this, hated the way men were, hated being objectified and itemized, and _why_ couldn't it ever just be _his_ hands, _his_ advances, and warm, golden metal on my left hand's third finger?

But really, all I wanted was to be _his_ and desirable to _him_ instead of lecherous louts who can't respect women.

I slammed the car door and dashed to the relative safety of my house and it only took two tries to insert the key and unlock the door before I barreled inside and slammed that shut, too. I leaned back against the cool wood and tried to breathe, tried to calm down, tried to feel secure.

The alarm started blaring, making my heart start and race all over again. Stupid me, forgetting to shut it off. I keyed in the number and disarmed it, before locking my front door and dashing back to my room. There, I quickly changed, pulled on my baggiest pair of pants and a camisole top before I located a loose, BarlowGirl T-shirt and dug around at the back of my closet for a winter hoodie.

I snatched up the first hoodie I could find, a dark blue one that was large on me and satisfied my desire to cover myself up. Yanking it on, I threw the hood up, shut off the lights, and dove into my bed.

I curled up at the headboard, drew my knees up to my chest as if to hide any distinctively feminine curves that my baggy clothes didn't quite cover up, and wrapped my arms around them. I used my remote to turn on my stereo and I idly switched through the CDs in the player, seeing what was in there before settling on an old favourite, Michael W. Smith's 1998 _Live the Life_.

Before I could continue thinking, my phone started trying to vibrate off my nightstand.

_**Where are you?**_ I gulped as I realised I had completely forgotten about lunch with Aragorn. I kicked myself for leaving him there waiting, and it only added to how awful I was feeling.

_**Sorry. Went home early; not feeling well. Lunch tomorrow, maybe?**_

There, now with that taken care of, I was about to toss my phone onto the bed when it began ringing. _Estel_ my caller ID warned, and I took a deep breath before picking up.

"What's wrong?" was the first question out of Aragorn's mouth after I answered.

I paused, considering my answer. "Everything and nothing, I guess."

There was a pause, brief silence, then, "Do you need anything? Tea, food, company?"

"No, no. That's okay. I'm just going to rest and see if that helps." I frowned, not really wanting any company, but thankful for Aragorn's concern.

"It generally does," Aragorn gave a soft chuckle, then, "If you need anything, just let one of us know. We'll get it for you."

"I know. Thanks." I withheld a sigh, then we said goodbye and I hung up, tossing the phone away.

I shivered in the silence, the emptiness left behind. I laid down and pulled the covers up, not caring how bundled up I was, not caring that it was the middle of the day. I felt dirty and used and too many things were running through my mind.

Like the way Sorg held me down, his breath and hands all over my bare skin as he got my shirt open. Or Faeger, with his trying to psyche me out and perturb me with comments about Elladan, that were the reason I had taken to unconsciously avoiding the elf afterward. Comments about how the twin looked at me with a deep-seated hunger in his eyes that Faeger recognised, about how it was so obvious "he wants to get his hands all over you the way I am about to," and how the creep had done things that were, in some ways, worse than Sorg's assault had managed to get.

Like pressing me against the wall and rubbing himself against me, for one thing. Inching his fingers down into my pants for another. And if I had not have taken to wearing camisoles even all those years ago to completely cover myself, his hands up my shirt would literally have been all over me.

I screwed my eyes closed tightly and pulled the covers up to my face, wishing that, now, I could cry. Softly, I gave a dry sob or two, but for all the effort to actually just _cry_, I managed a tear, slow, so slowly, then another, but it only made my head ache worse and I swallowed tightly and gave it up.

I just let myself drift in and out of sleep or stare at the far wall and think for hours, letting the stereo work its way through the CDs in there. And even though I was bundled up so, I did not really ever feel myself get overheated.

It must have been the cold knot deep inside, chilling me from the inside out.


	15. 15 Tira

Conversations

Chapter 15 - Tira

I could tell it was to Elrohir's relief when the plane arrived in Washington, where our connecting flight was, in one piece. When I told him he had to get on yet another plane, however, he stared at me like I had suddenly sprouted a second head.

"It wasn't that bad." I rolled my eyes.

"Says you."

"Exactly, says me. Now, come on. We have enough time to grab a coffee before boarding."

I grabbed his hand and hauled his reluctant self along behind me as I sought out a Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts where I could get a coffee. Of course, nothing beats Lafeyette's back home, where they truck in the awesome coffee in the USA -that is, from Louisiana- which has chicory added to the coffee. Talk about jittery…

After procuring my coffee, we went to board plane #2. Once I convinced Elrohir that it was truly okay, and he would survive, and the plane had taken off, I was able to enjoy my mediocre-not-Lafeyette's coffee.

Within a couple hours we were coming in for the descent to Dallas-Fort Worth International and I began to get excited, chattering to a not-so-excited Elrohir about seeing Raina again, and showing him all around my favourite places in Fort Worth. He finally interrupted my spiel with a question.

"Did you even bother to tell Raina we were coming?"

"Um, well, see…not…per se…" I hedged, then shot him a grin. "It's a surprise."

He sighed and actually face palmed. I waved it off. He could really be such a spoil sport. But perhaps that's why I like him so much, because he has a fun side, but he also balances my absolute crazy side out.

After claiming our bags, we caught the shuttle to the rental-car section of the terminal to pick up the car I had thoughtfully decided to rent. It saves me money on taxis everywhere, anyway, and I already know my way around Fort Worth well enough from when I lived down here before.

We claimed the Nissan Versa, a cute little economy car in dark blue, and loaded our bags into the trunk, then set off. I couldn't wait to get to Raina's and surprise her. She needed some good girl time, I was sure. I had remembered to grab my 2-way ipod-radio cord, and one-handed plugged it in and started up some music. I love my touch, it makes things so much easier while driving, since I had my music library all set up into different play lists. I clicked onto the 'driving' play list and the awesome sounds of All American Reject's 'Move Along' boomed out. I didn't really pay much attention to the clock as I drove, nor had I paid much attention to the time we'd left the rental agency, so I couldn't tell you how long it actually took us.

Elrohir got out of the car and stared at the house, then got his bag and mine out of the trunk. Digging through a side pocket he pulled out what looked suspiciously like a hat pin and marched towards the door. I smiled and shook my head. He was going to pick the lock.

Well, I wanted it to be a surprise.

It only took a few minutes to break in, and I would have thought she wasn't home, as all the lights were out, if not for the music blasting through the place. One pause to listen to what she had playing and I had to sigh. Leaving Elrohir to his own devices, I went seeking Raina, finding her in her bedroom, curled into a little ball all tucked up in what looked to be a giant sweatshirt.

Oh boy.

"Raina!" I called, and she didn't move. With an exasperated sigh I marched over to her stereo and flipped the switch. "KELIANN!"

She sat up so fast I thought she'd throw herself right out of the bed, wide-eyed and shocked. I waved to her and grinned. "Surprise."

"What are you doing here?" she finally managed to gasp out after a second of confusion as she got her bearings.

I decided to use Legolas's cheeky expression. "Breathing. And you?"

She visibly hesitated for a moment. "Um…also breathing?"

"Well, was that a question or a statement? Are you, or are you not, breathing?" I gave her a mock stern Elrond look. "If you happen to not be breathing, we shall have to rectify this situation. Do you know how we fix such problems as this?"

"N-no…" She shook her head, obviously not quite on the same page as me. That's okay, people are rarely ever on the same page.

"Chocolate. Decadent chocolate. You know how the song goes, 'troubles melt like decadent chocolate, way among the chimney tops…'."

"I think it's supposed to be lemon drops."

"Yeah, but lemon drops have nothing on decadent chocolate."

She gave me a tired smile. I went over and plopped down on the bed next to her.

"So, what's up little sis? Something pretty bad, judging by the fact you're all curled up into Elladan's sweatshirt."

She gave me a funny look, then pulled the sweatshirt away from her chest to look at it. Breathing in deeply, a strange expression came over her face, then she let the material drop. She shrugged.

"I didn't know this was Elladan's."

"Yeah, he wears it all the time at my place, when it gets cool outside. Which is most of the year. Anyway, that wasn't the topic. I asked what was bothering you, cause something is. What did the elven oaf do this time?"

"I…" she started, then hesitated, her face screwing up in confusion. "Actually don't really know _what_ happened."

I exhaled, letting the noisy sound sigh through my teeth. "Well, that is oh so enlightening." I shifted to face her and settled in, folding my legs into the lotus position. "Start at the beginning."

Raina ran her hands over her face and shrugged again. "Beginning…well, if all of this," she gestured vaguely, but I knew she meant our little fiasco with the twins, "wasn't enough…two weeks ago, this new guy started work at Borders, and he's apparently the son of some big, important whatever, and he's been…bothering me."

I quirked a brow and turned that one over a few times. I effectively translated 'bothering' to mean 'harassment.' Ooh, where was the punk who wouldn't leave her alone? I'd…let Elrohir teach him a thing or two. Teach him to mess with Raina! Didn't he know she had a load of highly-skilled, protective guys who'd not think twice about giving him what he had coming to him? Hmph.

"Yesterday he…invited me to the bathroom." She looked disgusted and I pulled a face, repressing a gag. "I thought I'd dealt with him, but today…I was with Jean on-sight, and the client is George's father. Guess who wouldn't leave me alone today?"

I scowled. She needed to be cheered up, so I shifted to get up as I declared, "Quick, where's he live? We'll sic Ro on him!"

She chuckled tiredly, but sobered quickly with, "Elladan already sicced himself on the prick."

I raised a brow again. Well this changed things, eh. "Oh goody, I hope he taught him the awesomest lesson ever. Was he all bloody? The guy, not Dan. Dan's too cool to get bloody. But…how did Dan know where you were, or that the guy was being all lech?"

"See, this is the part where things begin to get confusing," she grumbled. "Well. My schedule is on the fridge, so it's not like he wouldn't know it. And I…er, I don't really know how he knew about George. He just suddenly showed up when the cad was trying to corner me and pressure me into…things."

I gagged. "Strašno razvratan lopta sranje, vjerojatno bi to svoje majke. Ne, ne…ukupno čovjeka kurva. Never mind, that idea makes me ill." I waved my hand, dismissing everything I'd just gabbled at her.

She stared at me, then shrugged. "Anyway. Dan gave him a few solid ones to the face and George was out. What's _really_ confusing is how…_weird_ Elladan got after that."

"Well, weird is not always bad, you know." I lectured, waving a finger at her, while inwardly I considered all this. "Take me for instance. I am weird, but oh so awesome. Even Ro admits it, don't you Ro?" I rounded on the elf in the doorway, who looked caught. Ha, teach him to slink in on conversations not for his pointy ol' ears. Cute, those. But I digress.

He didn't bother answering, just glanced between us for a moment. He didn't look very happy, but he fixed Raina with a look and said, "You can't really fault Elladan, you know. Some cad was trying to get his hands all over h-…you."

I narrowed my eyes. He had _so_ been about to say something other than 'you'. Getting up from the bed I approached him slowly. He must have seen The Look in my eye, because he eyed me warily, though he did not back up.

"Now, now, Elrohir. Changing words mid-sentence is not allowed. What were you about to say to the pretty lady?"

"Um, I love you?"

"Tsk, I didn't mean me and you know it. But I'm glad. Now, what were you going to say to Raina?"

"I already said what I was going to say."

"No, no, you definitely were about to say something that started with a different letter than 'y'…perhaps an 'h'?"

He frowned at me in irritation. He knew I'd caught him and wouldn't let it go. I can't. There is just far too much temptation. Finally he heaved a sigh. "Fine. I was _going_ to say 'his girl'. Happy now?"

"No, because _he_ didn't say it. It doesn't count unless he does it." I patted his cheek and turned back to Raina, who was watching all this with confusion. "Anyway lovey, what say we get some food into you? I can hear your stomach from here. And Don't you dare say you're not hungry, because I know otherwise. didn't you eat lunch?"

"No…I…I was supposed to meet Aragorn, but then…that all happened. I cancelled."

"Pssh, naughty, naughty. Although I can see why you didn't tell Estel about this. Though it would have been so amusing…" I had this mental image of Aragorn dressed in a white button-up with bow-tie, black slacks and loafers, calmly running circles around the dufus with rhetoric that could make any professional debater blush. I could even see him sitting back, unruffled, and puffing away on that pipe of his as he effortlessly shames the idiot into better behavior. I chuckled. "Oh, don't mind me…food. We need food. Come along dears."

I swept off into the kitchen and started banging cabinets and such to find something interesting. Not finding anything I wanted in the pantry, I went to her freezer, crowing happily when I discovered a block of ground burger. Tossing that in the microwave to defrost, I sought out the rest of what I needed: potatoes, canned corn, and sliced cheese. I had to dig pretty hard to find the corn, but eventually I found it lurking behind some soup at the back of the pantry. Frozen or even fresh-removed-from-the-cob is better, but this would have to do in the absence of the preferred.

While the meat was defrosting I quickly washed and diced the potatoes, then set them to boiling. I cut them small enough that they would cook fairly fast, as I didn't want to wait hours for them to be ready for mashing. Once all my ingredients were ready, I combined everything into a pyrex casserole dish and placed it in the oven to cook a bit.

After doing that, I realised neither Ro nor Raina had followed me into the kitchen. Muttering imprecations under my breath at the pair, I headed back towards her room, but stopped just outside of it. Yes, I eavesdropped on her crying into my elf's shirt. I thought it was sweet that he would let her cry all over it like that.

After a minute of letting her do that, I finally entered, speaking to Elrohir in Sindarin. "It's so sweet of you to allow her to cry on you, but dinner is almost ready and she does need to eat, you know."

"Yes, I know." He sighed. Switching languages he pulled her back. "Raina, let's go eat something, hmm?"

"And don't say you're not hungry!" I interjected before she could protest.

After she'd sat down, I checked the dish to see it was perfect, the potatoes a little brown on top and the cheese all melty. Taking it out, I served her up a spoonful. I wanted her to eat, yes, but not overwhelm her. I got my own, and let Elrohir serve himself, and we settled in to eat.

She was very quiet, which I completely understand, so I just filled her silence with a bunch of meaningless babble about the trip out here, and Elrohir's complaints of flying. She did crack a smile a few times, which was my goal.

After dinner, I informed Elrohir he was doing dishes while I went and had a bit of a talk with my sister. He rolled his eyes, but gave in. He always gives in, because I am just that awesome.

"I need to check my mail." She told me as I pretty much forcibly led her out of the room. When she said that I just turned around and headed towards the front door, still hauling her along behind me. I did let her go when we got to the door, and that's when she finally gave me a funny look.

"How did you get in, anyway?"

"Ro picked the lock." I shrugged with a grin.

We headed slowly down the drive to the mailbox, chatting, mostly about Elladan, as she explained what he had done just before running off after punching the dumbass. I furrowed my brow, thinking about this and trying to formulate a reply, when she pulled out a stack of mail and right on top was a new-looking, unmarked, unstamped envelope. So, someone had placed it in the box by hand. Interesting that. She shuffled it to the bottom of the pile to look quickly at the other items as we headed back inside.

"Bills…spam…oh look, an ad…how boring." She muttered.

I giggled. "Well, there's only one good thing to do with all that." When she glanced up at me to explain, I grinned, one of those from ear to ear that says it won't end well for someone, and in this case that someone was… "You roll 'em up into little balls and bombard Ro with them, doncha know, chicka. Best way to deal."

She was chuckling softly as we closed the door, and I reached out to the pile in her hands. "Let's see," I muttered, "Give me something awesome, yes, yes, this one'll do. It's always best to hit him first with spam. Hey, _Roooo_!" I sing-songed as I crumpled the junk mail. The elf would never see this coming.

And he didn't. He turned to take it right in the face. Booya! Serves him right for trying to hedge around the answer earlier.

Elrohir released an exasperated sigh, all so totally trying to be patient. I just gave him my most winning smile that just totally has to melt his heart, cause it's awesome like that. He made a soft noise before he turned away, shaking his head fondly. See, I win. I snatched up more spam.

"Don't even think about it," he said without turning around.

I stuck my tongue out at his back and chucked the ball anyway. It went wide. Like, five feet too wide. So I have horrible aim. Sue me. "Oh just look what you did, Ro!" I stomped my foot. "What crazy elf magic was _that_?"

He glanced at me, quirking a brow. "It is not my fault your aim needs work." He glanced at the crumpled envelope on the floor. "A lot of work."

"Oh you just wait, Ro, just you wait." I waved a finger threateningly at his back as he turned away to put a plate into the dishwasher. "This is war."

I narrowed my eyes at him, pursing my lips in a grumpy pout. He thinks he can threaten me, does he? Pff. The twins are expert pranksters, but I had three little brothers and they'd always lost or had to admit the inevitable. That I am the awesomest.

"You are so out of your element, Ro. You may be an expert swordsman, but I have the cunning and ingenuity."

I heard Raina chuckling behind me and, threat suitably issued and a little Ro-bashing in, I felt my mission had been a success. I turned to Raina to find her tossing the mail on to the table and eyeing that mystery envelope oddly as she turned it this way and that.

"Is it crazy that I don't really want to see what this is?" She asked, still eyeing it.

"Oooh, well in that case, _I'll_ see what it is!" I dove for the envelope, itching to know what it was, but Raina jerked it out of my reach.

"No, no. I'll do it." She said, quickly pulling the letter out.

I just grinned, that having been my intention. But I wasn't so happy when she unfolded the couple sheets of paper and immediately paled. She read it, and I could see her eyes beginning to shine suspiciously, though no tears actually fell. Finally she dropped the sheets and just fled down the hall; I suppose to her room. I debated going after her or reading the papers.

I settled for the papers first, so I actually knew what I should be comforting her over. Picking them up, I quickly sorted them into the appropriate order, then started to read.

_Raina,_

_I've hurt you…very, very deeply, I know. It's not…not that hard to figure out. And it's not something I can forgive myself for doing. Somehow—and I'm not really sure how, it just happens and I'm left trying to make amends over the ashes of the bridges I love and need the most—but I gravitate towards hurting those around me, especially the ones…I find my heart beating for. How can I in good conscience keep doing that to you? Isn't once _enough_?_

As I took in the handwritten 3-page letter, I realised I was making little gasps and growls at each piece of idiocy I read. I know I was frowning heavily. Finally I finished and looked over at Elrohir, who was watching me closely.

"Please tell me _why_ he thinks it is detrimental and disastrous for anyone to let him in, and for him to let someone else in?"

Elrohir's jaw worked as he thought about an answer. I waited. He would answer one way or another.

"I don't…quite understand what you mean." He finally said. I snorted, not believing that for a second. I waved the letter at him, pointing out the sentence where Elladan told Raina to ask Elrohir. He made a non-committal noise and avoided my eyes.

"Elrohir, what did he mean?" I pressed.

"I don't…can't…talk about it."

I gave him a disgusted look. "You are so not at all helpful. In fact, you are so very much like Elladan in this regard. Neither of you think you're good enough for someone else, for your soul mates at that, because of things done in the past. Well, you've never asked about our pasts! How do you know we're not hiding things? Huh?" I ranted.

Crap, did I really say we 'might' be hiding things? I was hiding things, but wasn't it for his own good? I hoped he didn't pick up on that.

He finally did look at me, studying me. "And I'll bet if you are hiding something, you feel it is for our own good? You don't want us to feel that pain? If that is truth speaking, then you know exactly the answer to your question. He hides because he doesn't want you, or in this case Raina, to have to feel the pain he feels."

I took this sober thought in. He was right, I supposed. But still. I sighed. I had no clue what to do anymore. Finally my famous red-headed temper came roaring back. It does that at the most random moments. Planting my hands on my hips I glared at him.

"That's it then? You're not going to try to explain him at all? Pssh. Bloody useless elf!"

He sighed and shook his head. "I have not understood my brother or his intentions regarding much for much of the past several centuries. The older we get, the more we pull away from each other. I can't tell you what you want to know because _I_ don't know."

I huffed out a breath. "Hmph. _You_ say."

I tossed the letter onto the table before him, turned and stalked down the hall towards Raina's room. If he wasn't going to help her, I would.


	16. 16  Elladan

Conversations

Chapter 16 - Elladan

Raina,

I've hurt you…very, very deeply, I know. It's not…not that hard to figure out. And it's not something I can forgive myself for doing. Somehow—and I'm not really sure how, it just happens and I'm left trying to make amends over the ashes of the bridges I love and need the most—but I gravitate towards hurting those around me, especially the ones…I find my heart beating for. How can I in good conscience keep doing that to you? Isn't once _enough_?

I don't really feel that I have any choice in these matters…but I have my decisions, and those that dictate my actions inevitably end in disaster and pain. It's _true_, and you'd think after all this time, I'd know how to get the better of this, but I _don't_ and I don't want you to be the next in my long list of sins. You…deserve better than that.

I exhausted every place I could turn to long ago and I can't keep going on like this. And you…you shouldn't have to deal with the fallout. How is that fair to you? I've been falling for longer than I care to remember and it's not right that you should be put out this way, to have to reach all this way for _me_? No.

No matter how hard I try, I can't walk that line of holding myself together and not hurting those I love. The story of my life…but it _should_ _not_ be yours.

You want to know about my past… But what more need be known than the fact that I let myself _lose_ you before I ever had you—before I ever _knew_ you? _That_ is a grievous mistake, and you shouldn't want to know more past knowing that. Who would _want_ to? This is the kind of offense that effectively ruins _everything_.

Elo…I _hate_ that. You have no idea. And I'm sorry. Raina, I'm so very sorry for all that I have done. It was unforgivably wrong of me. But I do swear to you that hurting you was never my heart. No, no, my heart…does crazy things in my chest just at the _thought_ of you hurt.

Something's _wrong_ with me, Raina. I am _not_ alright. And I'm sorry for not being alright.

I'm sorry for leaving. For running away. For hiding. For shutting you out. But don't you see that it is better that way? You shouldn't _want_ in. And if you don't believe me, ask Elrohir. He can tell you how grievous it is, how _destructive_ it is.

It can kill you.

And I…can't take this anymore. Maybe it's weakness, maybe it's fear…I take that back. It _is_ weakness, but it is not fear. No. No, it is _terror_. A petrifying monster eating me from the inside out. I can't stop it when it is in me but not subject to me—I'm subject to it.

I can't…make you bleed if I'm gone. I can't destroy you if I am not around. And I will do anything—sacrifice everything—to preserve, to protect you. Can't I at least do something right by those I love? It'll cost me…but I don't care. El's worth it, Arwen's worth it, Estel's worth it…_you _are worth it.

See, I broke your trust before I ever had your love. I, essentially, cheated on you before I was ever with you. Because, even though we hadn't met, you were already _there_—if you're made for each other, then you're already part of the other. You've always been and I was unfaithful to that part of me…unfaithful to you.

I don't have any certainties to offer…I've only ever had my private hopes. All I can do is hope that I can find the way back to myself, back to who I should _be_, instead of who I _am_…but I have to rid myself first of what is _wrong_ _with_ _me_. I _want_ to make it right…but I've never really been sure I _can_.

Can't you understand that there's nowhere else for me to run but where I _have_ to?

I guess it's alright if you don't…I don't want to accept it, either.

This isn't your burden to bear. It's not anyone's but my own. It is fitted to me. I brought it on myself. How could it be meant for you? No one can get it. They _can't_.

I know burdens can be shared, eased…I also know how dangerous it is for me to do that, even if I _knew_ how to share mine. Perhaps I've learned to hide it all too well, afraid of…losing those I love, afraid of overbearing them, afraid of hurting them, afraid of…you. I can't even assimilate it, but it terrifies me.

You are not _her_. I know that all too well…but knowledge doesn't translate into the same meaning between head and heart.

I don't deserve you. I am under no illusions about that. I really don't understand why you love me, as I've never lived up to it. How can you? Maybe it _is_ that you don't really know me…if you did, would you still have chosen me? Would you still love me?

Since I don't deserve you and this…all this with you…your hands, your heart, your laugh…it's all too good to be true…so it can't possibly be so. I've done wrong by you by hiding, but…I was attached to you, I needed you, I was too terrified of losing this, losing _you_.

This dishonesty, though…I _know_ it is detrimental to us. But the truth? The truth is worse.

The truth is I can't let you love an illusion…I can't go on letting you pour out so much of yourself on me just for the sake of meeting my own selfish needs. You're worth more than that, so you should not…cleave yourself to me.

I'm sorry for…for everything. Everything _including_ choosing you. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have hurt you this way. Elo…the way I hate myself…Raina, I—I'm sorry.

-Elladan


	17. 17 Raina

Conversations

Chapter 17 - Raina

I hated this. It just…it was ludicrous. Why does he…think that way? And as if that wasn't bad enough, it wasn't like all his cryptic wording was easy to understand…or perhaps it was and that was the problem. I knew what it meant. But…did I? Did I really?

I frowned at my phone, staring listlessly at the log of the texts between Dan and me.

**July 12****th****, 2012  
><strong>_**Dang it, Dan. Where are you?  
>That depends on why you're asking<br>Landscaping today right? Gary hiel?  
>Never mind. Sorry I bothered you.<strong>_

**July 6****th****, 2012  
><strong>_**Want to get lunch today?  
>Sure. My lunch break's in about twenty. Meet here or…where do you want to go?<br>With only 30 min, not like you've time for fancy. Central market. Meet you there.**_

**July 4****th****, 2012  
><strong>_**Ro's up to no good.  
>Isn't he always?<br>It involves fireworks, spray paint, giving Estel a new haircut, hot pink hair dye, a blow-dryer, pepsi&mentos, crayons, markers with invisible inks and ultraviolet lights.  
>Elo…only him.<br>Make sure he doesn't kill himself, you know.  
>Oh I will.<br>Don't get yourself killed either.  
>Aw, are you worried?<br>Why I thought it wise to warn you about his crazy scheme…  
>You think I'll join?<br>Doesn't it sound like fun?  
>I'm not answering that.<strong>_

I had to smile. I never found out, entirely, what Ro thought he was doing with all that, but I don't think it was all part of _one_ scheme, but rather an overall plan of schemes for his day.

I sat back and sighed. What was I doing? Clinging to memories of fonder times? Of times when it wasn't so apparent that Dan was…giving up?

**June 26****th****, 2012  
><strong>_**Happy birthday. I love you. Had to be the first to tell you.  
>Plans for later, so keep an eye out.<br>I love you, too. Should I be scared?  
>I'm offended. It'll be awesome, thank you very much.<br>Just kidding. When should I be looking for something?**_

-0-

"_Right now."_

_I jumped, spinning around. "You!" I grinned. "You adorable dork. You shouldn't sneak up on me."_

_He pouted. "But surprising you is half the fun."_

_I closed my eyes as he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me tenderly; I twined my arms around his neck. "Oh fine," I breathed when he pulled back. "I forgive you."_

"_You should. I did all this for you." He retorted._

_I opened my eyes and stared at him. "All what?" I asked, glancing around. "All I see is you."_

"_What, I'm not awesome enough now?" That grin was up to no good, I just knew it…_

"_Pff. You're too awesome." I stuck my tongue out at him and stood on tiptoes for another chaste kiss. "So, did you actually think I'd get your text at midnight?" I teased._

"_No, but I was still the first to tell you." He paused. "I didn't think you'd want me waking you up, so…"_

_I giggled. "I dunno. I suppose I would've forgiven you."_

_He shrugged. "So, are you ready?"_

"_Ready? Ready for what?"_

_He just grinned all the more mischievously. Uh-oh…_

-0-

I shook myself from my thoughts, from the memories of much more precious times. I took several deep breaths and, curled up with my back to the headboard of my bed, I decided to check my Facebook from my phone, rather than getting up to go over to the computer a few feet away, as I tried to pull myself back together again.

I would have to face Tira and Elrohir, I knew. I just needed a few minutes. I would need to reread that letter, I was sure. Reread and try to understand. But not right now.

It wasn't like Facebook was helpful, though. There was a glaring reminder of all this sitting right at the top of my most-recent newsfeed.

_**You put your arms around me and I believe that it's easier for you to let me go.**_ Barely ten minutes ago, Elladan had updated his status from his mobile.

I scowled and squeezed my eyes shut. It wasn't that hard to figure out who he was talking to. I released a heavy breath and went to update my _own_ status. He was such a…tragic idiot.

_**Go run, run, run…I'm gonna stay right here and watch you disappear. Go run, run, run; it's a long way down, but I am closer to the clouds up here.**_

There. It had been stuck in my head. Now it was out. Whatever it meant from here was…whatever. I'd needed to say it.

I signed out and shut my phone with a sigh and set it down, going to get up. My phone chimed, signaling that I had a text. Confused, I picked it back up.

_**I'd prefer that you stay up there **_was all it said.

I groaned with frustration and tossed my phone on to my bed to just ponder that one for awhile before I answered.

How could I show him? What words could I say? He just…he was _refusing_ to let me say or do anything. His letter had been chockfull of that.

With words, phrases like…

…_it's not right that you should … have to reach all this way for _me_.  
><em>…_you shouldn't have to deal with the fallout.  
>The story of my life…but it <em>should not_ be yours.  
>You're worth more than that, so you should not…cleave yourself to me.<em>

Tira was muttering some foreign imprecations under her breath as she stormed into my room. I wasn't sure who she was muttering about, but since it was interspersed with "elf" in quite a few places I figured it was one or both of the twins.

I eyed her. "What'd he do this time?" I purposefully didn't specify which "he" I was referring to, letting her fill in whoever she was calling heaven and hell down upon.

"What'd he do? What'd he do? He was a bloody useless idiot!"

That was…specific. I opted for the most likely candidate. "Ro?"

"Who else." She grumbled.

"Funny. He usually plays a Jeeves with me."

A half-smile twitched at her lips. "Jeeves. Have to remember that one." She paused and eyed me closely. "And you…you're…how shall I put this? You seem very…composed. Dan got your tears?"

"Pff." I tossed a disgusted look at my phone. "More like he's got my clarity."

"Oh that's right, just give the phone a nasty look, why don'cha. I'm sure it's the contraption's fault that your elf's a confounded, tragic piece of work."

I sent her a look, knowing she was just trying to get me to explain. "I would just check Facebook to get it."

"What'd he say?"

"You remember Christina Perri's song Arms, right?"

"Yeeeaaahhh…" she drew out slowly, turning it all over in her mind. Slowly, suspicious understanding started across her face. "He quoted it?"

"_You put your arms around me and I believe it's easier for you to let me go_," I recited for her.

"Oooh. He needs to stop being stupid and just be." She declared. I snorted softly, thinking that I couldn't agree more. We were quiet for a moment as her words settled into the air. Then, she asked, "Do you need anything?"

"No, I'm just…" I sighed. "Trying to assimilate it all. It's very…upsetting."

"I'd say that's putting it lightly."

I smiled tightly. "You guys won't be terribly offended if I need to be alone for a little bit?" I bit my lip, worried; I needed to just think, to absorb, to work through it all…I needed to reply to Elladan, too. What I _needed_ was a good cry, but I'd cried already. Too many times today. I'd probably filled my tear quota for the day.

She heaved a gigantic sigh. "I _suppose_ I can find something to occupy me." I gave her a look, wondering what was going through her head, as that hadn't sounded so much like an 'I'm wounded' sentence as an 'I'm thinking of something' sentence.

"Thanks, dear," I said softly and she nodded distractedly as she left. I briefly wondered what was on her mind, but what was quickly on _my_ mind was that elf who was such a hot topic recently.

I sighed and plopped into my desk chair, pulling up the song he had quoted. As I listened, I felt the tears pricking at the back of my eyes, everything brought so strongly to the forefront. But…the song could also give me some hope, because of lines like "I hope you see right through my walls" and "I've never truly loved til you…"

_Okay, are you trying to tell me something? Is there some hidden message here? Or am I reading too much into this?_ I wanted to ask him these questions, but I dare not. We were…not on the same page enough for me to be able to do that, I felt.

So I just logged into Facebook from the laptop and updated my status again with different lyrics…with an old favourite. I could still clearly remember playing it in the Hall of Fire after being pressured and pestered into playing _something_. Now, once again, it would express how I felt, my view, what I wanted.

_**I see it in my mind's eye**__**—a world made just for you and I. So I know, it's worth the wait. Once is enough; that's how I feel. … Love is strong enough. So here's the deal: we do this once and for real.**_

Then I knew my reply and I snatched up my phone again. _**I just want to be where you are.**_

There. I sat back and eyed it. This was…good. This was me processing everything and working through it. This was _my_ honesty. And that…that had to matter to Elladan, right? That I wanted a place for the two of us, that I wanted to be with him? That I was willing to wait however long it took for him to stop running and come back to me?

I bit my lip, wondering. We seemed to have conflicting desires, didn't we? He wanted me to stay up in the clouds, I wanted to be with him, no matter where it was.

I jumped as my phone vibrated again several minutes later, when I was beginning to think he wouldn't reply.

_**You shouldn't want to.**_

I blew out a heavy breath, lifting my gaze to the ceiling. _How did I not see that one coming?_ I wondered sarcastically.

_**You're better off where you are**_ came a few seconds later.

I frowned. _**And you just know this how?**_

He didn't reply. I waited for five minutes, staring at that screen and listening to _Arms_ again. Finally, I decided that he must just not want to talk to me anymore, so I logged off Facebook and closed the laptop before I got up. Heading over to the corner, I picked up my acoustic guitar and left my room.

I found Tira and Elrohir sitting at the dining room table, deep in discussion about something. It paused as I slipped an arm around my friend's shoulders, feeling guilty for not being very interactive when they had come all this way. "Thanks," I whispered, hoping she would understand. Then I pulled back and announced, "I'm going out back, if anyone needs me."

Tira nodded but Elrohir just kept watching me with a silent, closed expression, as if he was thinking over something as he eyed me and he didn't want me to guess what it was.

And that didn't necessarily have to be negative.

It was as I was heading out the backdoor that my phone vibrated against my leg.

_**I've already said all I have words for, Raina. I'm sorry.**_

I made a soft noise, saddened that he was clamming up. I plopped into a patio chair and tried to dismiss the ache that came over me, remembering the last conversation Elladan and I had had sitting out here. It'd been a frivolous one, about movies…but I missed his companionship, I missed _him_. I couldn't seem to stop thinking of him.

I'd snatched up a pen and notebook before I came out here and I jotted down a few thoughts as they came to me. Music and lyrics…they helped clear my head, helped me clarify my thoughts when they were all jumbled up or my emotions unsettled.

_I can't seem to stop thinking of you  
>And it's all that I can do<br>To not tell you_

I thought over everything that had happened today, feeling lonelier than ever. I still couldn't understand what it was about his face, about his eyes…about the way he'd reached out to me…there had been _something_ there and I couldn't pinpoint what it was. Then he'd closed off and taken off so quickly, as if terrified of what he'd done or himself or…maybe even me.

He did say in his letter that he was afraid of me…but what had I done?

_I close my eyes and I see your face,  
>And I can sense you in every place,<br>Am I going crazy?  
>Tell me…<em>

I pulled out my phone, deliberated over replying, then set it down. What could I say? His reply had felt…curt. As if he wanted the conversation to be over.

I shook my head and turned back to my guitar and my aimless strumming. Occasionally, I settled into a tune, but I wasn't interested in any particular song at the moment. I just wanted to play.

As with yesterday morning, I suddenly felt that prickly feeling of being watched. I paused, glancing around. Then shook my head. The neighbors weren't home, off on a summer vacation. So either I was imagining it or…well, Ro had been studying me rather oddly earlier. Maybe he was at a window or something.

_I feel their eyes on me,  
>I wish you were watching me<br>I remember the conversations that could last for hours  
>Now it's like you can't wait to bow out<br>Where did I go wrong? This loneliness devours  
>My heart from the inside out<em>

Frowning, I reached for my phone. _**Maybe I don't want you to say anything. Maybe I just want you here.**_

I paused and listened to the night, letting my gaze travel around. There was still that feeling of being watched, going all over my skin…but it wasn't like the way it felt when George had watched me earlier. This…this being watched was calmer, less intrusive, much more…beautiful.

I shook my head. What was I thinking? That didn't make any sense. The day must have addled my brain.

Running my fingers over the strings and enjoying the way the soft acoustics filled the silent world around me, I thought about my text. It wasn't too demanding of me to say that, was it? Just to be honest? I wasn't…trying to be cloying. But I wanted him to know that this…I did not like this.

_Am I asking too much of you?  
>I don't want much<br>But is it too much?  
>Maybe it's not enough<br>To be halfway here  
>When I wish you were here<em>

It was crazy that Elladan thought leaving was the better thing to do. He'd said that he couldn't make me bleed if he was gone…but him being gone was doing exactly that. Didn't he see that I didn't want division, distance between us? His guilt was driving him on and on…further from me. When, really, what he should've been doing was whatever he could to make recompense, to make amends with me for his unfaithfulness.

A breeze whistled through the trees, brushing over my skin and I breathed deeply of the cooling night air. I remembered the way he'd brushed his fingers over my cheek two nights ago, when we stood not so very far away, trying to deal with our own conflicting emotions, and the way he'd pulled away from me.

_I still feel your hands on my face,  
>And I sense you in every place,<br>Am I going crazy?  
>Tell me…<em>

I shook my head. Oh, what was the use? Were all these words useful to me without him there?

_Your guilt is driving you on,  
>But it'll only bring you more regrets<br>And it's a long road if you want to be done  
>Cause we've come too far down<br>Don't run, run, it's not over yet  
>We've only just begun<br>So hear the words I'm saying now_

_**I'm always here**_ he finally responded. I frowned slightly at the phone and exhaled very slowly, pondering that one. Not really, he really couldn't be, even in heart if I was kept out of his…

_**Not when you're running the wrong way.**_ I finally pointed out.

_**And where should I be running?**_ was shot back in about a minute.

Ha! That was an easy one. _**Into my arms.**_

That seemed to stump him, because several minutes passed with no reply.

I had just begun turning my attention to a song I had once learned per request of a friend and, loving Boyce Avenue's cover, I'd figured it couldn't harm anything to learn to play it myself -now, I was grateful that I had- when he finally replied.

_**I can't**_

_**Can't…or won't let yourself?**_

It was possible for that one to have a quick reply, so when he didn't answer, I just shrugged and put my phone down and turned back to the song.

"Take time to realize…"

My phone vibrated, but I ignored it for the moment.

"If you just realise…"

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see it flashing at me and I wondered what he had said, but I was enjoying my song too much.

"Take time to realise…"

I was surprised to hear my phone vibrate again and I was curious at that, but he could wait a few minutes for a reply. He'd let me hang a few times this evening, already. Actually, he'd been leaving me hanging for longer than that, but that's neither here nor there.

"It's not always the same…"

Again, the phone signaled another message, and I was _really_ curious about this influx of texts considering he'd been saying the bare minimum this evening. I wasn't sure what I would find when I opened that phone, so it was with a little bit of trepidation as well as curiosity that I finally reached for the contraption just as it vibrated _again_.

_**What of my letter? I've already explained this**_ was the first reply. I frowned at that, thinking that for all he knew, I didn't even know about any letter.

_**Things aren't that simple...**_

_**I wish you could realise…just…pass me on by, Raina**_

_**Once you know, nothing can ever be the same.**_

I stared at my phone, trying to take in these cryptic messages…what kinds of hidden things was he communicating? There was so much to these few words than one would think their surface would imply.

I was pondering a reply, some stubborn refusal to let this go, to let him go…to try to make him see what _I_ wanted and I didn't want what he thought was best. If he wanted to do right by me…

"Does contorting your face help you think?" Tira's voice startled me as she plopped heavily into the chair beside me.

I glanced sidelong at her. "No. But…I am trying to understand this."

"And I'm trying to understand _Ro_. He's like…" She huffed, waving a hand as she came up short for words. "Gee, at this point in time, I could see him doing something crazy liking cutting his hair or getting a piercing… he's just being _that_ weird."

I turned to her, trying to force the Elladan subject out of my mind to help my friend—she was there, after all. He was not. He wouldn't let me help.

"What is he doing?"

Tira scowled and folded her arms. "Being a dunderhead, for one. Being wacko, for another. And being downright peculiar."


	18. 18 Elrohir

Conversations

Chapter 18 - Elrohir

I finished loading the dishwasher and sat down at the table as Raina opened one envelope and began reading. I watched her face closely, as I noticed Tira did as well. I wondered what could possibly be written on those pages, when she suddenly just let them fall and took off down the hallway.

My focus turned now to Tira, who was obviously debating whether to follow or read. She settled for reading, and was making some…interesting…noises as she did so, mostly sighs and gasps. Finally she looked up at me and asked what Dan had meant by saying it was "disastrous and detrimental" to let others inside his heart.

I didn't know what to say. She pressed the issue, like she always does, and finally I said all I could, that I couldn't talk about it. She went off on a mini-rant that made me raise my eyebrows.

"And I'll bet if you are hiding something, you feel it is for our own good? You don't want us to feel that pain? If that is truth speaking, then you know exactly the answer to your question. He hides because he doesn't want you, or in this case Raina, to have to feel the pain he feels." I finally answered.

She thought about that for a second before that infamous temper slapped at me again, telling me I was useless. I shook my head and sighed. What the hell did she _want_ me to say? I didn't have any answers.

"I have not understood my brother or his intentions regarding much for much of the past several centuries. The older we get, the more we pull away from each other. I can't tell you what you want to know because _I_ don't know."

This answer did not appeal, and she left in a fury after tossing the papers at me. At that point, I was not sorry to see her go. All of this was so _tiresome_. I tried to ignore them. But my eyes were drawn to those three sheets of paper, obviously ripped from a spiral notebook, the ragged ends left on. Looking at them, I realised the handwriting was all too familiar. I had already known, from Tira's questions, that the letter was from Elladan, and now my curiosity was too great. Picking up the first page I began reading.

When I got to the part where he told her to ask me about the destructivity of letting people in, I frowned and paused. What was he talking about? I had never regretted letting him in…did this mean he regretted letting me? My heart felt heavy. I continued reluctantly, pushing the papers away from me as I read not two paragraphs later that he claimed I was worth his leaving, that Estel, Arwen, and Raina were worth the pain of it.

How could we, his family, be worth the pain of anything? Did he _prefer_ the pain? I wanted to…to _break_ something. I forced myself to continue reading, but it wasn't until almost the end that had me actually making a verbal comment as the sheet fell from numbed fingers.

_You should not cleave yourself to me_.

Oh Valar…this could only mean what I had suspected it meant the other day. Somehow, whether knowledgably or not, Elladan and Raina tied their souls together. They were forever mates, now, not even death parting them. And thus…his pain was hers, if she only understood how to accept it.

No wonder he ran. I doubted he had explained to her what had happened. That is not Elladan's style, explaining things. I shook my head, yet another sigh escaping. I turned these thoughts over and over in my mind, trying to find holes in logic, trying to find…_anything_.

And Tira's rant kept barging it's way in. Hiding things…pasts…hiding…what was she hiding? There had to be something, or she would never have said it. I've found the best way to get information from Tira is to make her so mad she speaks without thinking, and I had the feeling this statement had been one of those moments.

So what was it that was so bad it had to be hidden? What was it that could not be shared with me? And did Raina know what it was?

I rested my chin on one hand, letting the fingers of my other tap the table as I ruminated. Tira had claimed complete honesty, but I knew she was just as human as everyone else. Altruism did not come naturally to her, and very likely there was something she regretted about her past that she felt would harm me. No doubt it had to do with Jay, the prick. I hated that guy immensely upon sight, and he certainly never did a damn thing to change that impression.

My phone vibrated and I jumped slightly, not expecting this. I pulled it out, not reading the name before the message.

_What's got you so worked up?_

What? I checked the name, then, and almost dropped my phone. My brother was…siphoning from me? Furiously I typed a reply.

_You. Tira. All of this. I'm TIRED._

A minute or so passed before a reply came.

_Then catch some sleep :-p_

Rolling my eyes I sent an immediate answer back, _Not what I meant. That's something Estel would say._

_I know. That's why I said it._

I snorted at the text that came in almost as soon as I'd sent one. So, Elladan still had a sense of humour. How nice for him. Wretch.

_No, really, El. Deep breaths. Calm down. You're making me itchy with all those buzzing emotions like a disturbed hornets nest._

I clenched my teeth. He was one to talk, wasn't he? I focused then on him, to see if _I_ could get anything from him, but only the barest hint of…hurt? slid through before he locked it down.

So he wanted to play that game? Didn't he realise that old adage was true, that two could play at that? But then…wouldn't that be playing into his hands, if I locked up? The turmoil of the situation swirled through me as I debated what to do. Finally I sent one last text.

_Don't be a jerk, Dan. It's not fair to take from me and then not allow me to do for you. So much for brothers through thick and thin. I'll remember that later._

I was not surprised when no answer was forthcoming. As I sat and seethed at his audacity, I heard footsteps and Tira reappeared, a thoughtful look on her face. She was _up_ to something, I knew this immediately. She only wears thoughtful looks when she has _ideas_, and these ideas do not necessarily bode well for anyone. She sat down across from me, watching me closely.

This made me uncomfortable to be the object of her scrutiny. She leaned in close, her eyes lighting up with whatever unholy thought was crossing her bizarre mind at that second.

"You're…attached…to Elladan. Why can't you find him?

"Because he's a jerk." I replied.

"Well, yes, I knew that already." She gave me a look that said _I_ should know she knew that. "That, though, is not the point. can't you use that super twin sense to find him so we can drag him by his pointy ears back here?"

The idea of dragging him by his ears was appealing. If indeed we found him, it definitely had merit.

"Well?"

"No, I can't use my 'super twin sense'. He's got me on house arrest."

She did not look amused. Good. At least we were on the same page now. It was my turn to lean in.

"What about you?"

"What, use some super sense? Naw, I'm awesome but sadly that is not something I can do."

"Not what I meant. What are you hiding?"

She startled, but almost immediately let a calculating look settle in place of the shock. Sitting back in her chair she eyed me, the nails of her right hand making a slow 'tap, tap, tap' on the table. Valar, that was irritating. She continued eyeing me even as she drew one leg upwards, I am assuming she balanced her foot on the edge of the chair, and laid her left arm over her bent knee and her hand rubbing her chin in thought.

"What's to say I'm hiding anything?" She finally said.

I gave her a look that pretty much said _what am I, stupid?_ and shook my head. "You're only human, Tira. You've got secrets. And I suspect they have to do with the asshat."

She raised an eyebrow. "Do you mean Jay? Well, maybe I am hiding something. Bet you want to know what it is."

"Obviously, else I'd not have brought it up."

"Well, you tell me what you're keeping secret from me and I'll probably tell you what I'm hiding."

"Probably? I'm not slow, Tira. Saying it like that gives you an out. No deal."

"Guess you'll just have to let it keep chewing away at you then." She let her foot drop to the floor with a quiet thump, leaning forward again. Before she was able to say anything, though, Raina came by, carrying her guitar.

She wrapped an arm around Tira's shoulders and whispered 'thanks' to her before announcing she was going outside. I just watched her. I had to much on my mind for trivialities like saying something I didn't mean, such as _have fun_ or something. As she left, I turned my gaze back to Tira.

"Because, Elrondion," she hissed quietly to me, "I don't share my secrets with cold-hearted, narrow-minded pessimists."

Hmm. Elrondion; that was a new one from her. If it was meant as an insult, it needed severe work. I was proud to be my father's son. But then, it may just have been her way of letting me know she was not in a placatory mood, by using such a formal title. That was fine, I certainly wasn't in too giving a mood myself.

"As you wish, _Cassandra_." I replied nastily. The rage that flashed across her face had me inwardly cringing. Ever since I'd met her she had hated her given name. I had yet to figure out exactly _why_, as that was one of many things she waved away with non-answers when the question came about. Again, my instincts screamed _Jay!_ at me. I sighed. Whatever he had done to her had made her an absolute mess.

Not that I could say much. I blamed my problems on Eglanoleth, sure…but somewhere inside I knew there was a deeper seated reason for my secrets. I had just buried it so deeply that even I had troubles accessing it.

We were all just giant, steaming, messy piles of repressed emotions. But as much as I hurt at pushing her away like this, I couldn't find it in me to apologise. Even the mere thought of an apology had the feeling of tying my own noose and looping it over my head. There was just something that hindered me.

She slammed a hand to the table, made a noise of discontent, then stood. She watched me for a second, extreme anger and what definitely seemed to be hurt playing over her face.

"I don't know where you get off acting like that stick-in-the-mud twin of yours, but I don't like it. You know…maybe you aren't the elf I thought you were. Maybe all these feelings I have are just…empty dreams of what-could-have-been. Something to replace what I actually had, something I thought was _better_."

The last said quietly, in a tone that sounded almost lost. I wondered at that, but she suddenly transformed from lost to raging as she glared at me once more. I waited to see what she would say.

"I thought I loved you, Elrohir. And you said you loved me, too. But maybe…maybe neither of us actually understands love. I keep my secrets because they affect only me, no one else. They have so little bearing on anything I feel for you that they don't even register. I'm just sorry that we didn't see this sooner."

"Tira," I sighed. "I do love you. I do understand what love is. But sometimes what the heart knows the mind rejects."

She stared at me, her face unreadable to me, and I _wished_ so hard that she would just…_get_ what I was trying to say, without me having to explain it. But try as I might, it was like slamming myself into a brick all over and over. She was not receptive to me…how had Raina and Elladan managed it? It was puzzling.

I sighed. I had no more words to give her. Shaking her head she gave me one last look that I could not fathom, then headed for the door. I didn't watch her go, I couldn't. My heart was screaming at me, but my mind was praising me, and I was conflicted.

As soon as she was gone, I stood up, hesitating a moment as I looked toward the door before my resolve returned and I moved away from the table…moved out of the kitchen, towards the front door…and out.

Standing on the stoop I debated what to do next, then just decided to let come what may, and headed down the drive. At the bottom I spun in a circle and headed in the direction I landed, not caring or knowing where I was going.

As I walked, I tried and tried, beating at that brick wall. If Dan could do it, I could. I was determined to succeed, determined to embrace what he ran away from. But it was not to be…until I admitted this defeat to myself and suddenly, oh so suddenly it was like the dyke had sprung a leak and I began to feel…things that most definitely were not mine, and had a very different flavour than Elladan.

I felt triumphant, pleased with myself…and she felt uncertain, confused. Lost. Hurt. I stopped my forward motion, overcome with these emotions that were not mine, all of them tinged with a definite feel of overwhelming, seering _pain_…though without anything to go by I could not understand why she was feeling thus.

I resisted the desire to turn and run, to go back to Raina's and just grab her up and soothe her hurts, tell her it would be okay. I didn't know if it would be okay. That was a lie I hated so much, when people gave false hope like that. They never knew what could come, how the very situation could turn and bite you so fast.

I ran a hand through my hair, wondering what to do. Did I go explain? Did she even realise? Or was she like Raina, not quite sure what had happened, not aware of the connection? I wanted answers, and I wanted to give answers. I wanted to be the answer.

And I wanted everything to be okay.


	19. 19 Raina

Conversations

Chapter 19 - Raina

I paused, considering my words. "That…sounds so…unlike Elrohir." I finally settled on. "Well, the peculiarity I can see. Ro's always been a little…strange. He acts so…crazy sometimes. Think the Fourth."

Tira snorted. "I told him that Estel would not be happy about pink hair and it was bound to come back at him."

I cracked a smile. "He did it anyway. Really, though, I think…" I hesitated on my next words, my heart suddenly racing at the suspicion that had slunk into my mind. No, no. That couldn't be it. Could it? But the thought had struck me and…it struck home deep inside. I wanted to breath a horrified _no…_, even though I wasn't sure why the thought affected me so much.

"What?" Tira asked, sitting forward and giving me a shrewd, odd look. "What are you thinking? That look doesn't look so good."

"It's like…" I was unwilling to voice the thought, as if saying so would make it real. Too real. "Like he does those things to get someone's attention…but not just _anyone's_." I frowned, trying to decipher the maelstrom inside of me. What was this? It did not make sense.

I heard another snort. "Whose?" she pressed.

I blinked several times and whispered, "Elladan's." There. It was out. And rather than the voicing of this crazy thought making it seem less realistic, it did indeed feel all the more real and certain to me.

There was a second's silence, then, "What's so unnerving about that, Raina?" Tira's voice was confused, incredulous. I knew she could see, or at least sense, how unsettled this thought had made me, and I knew she didn't understand it.

"I don't…know." I said, furrowing my brow. "But there's just something about it that…does not settle well."

My phone vibrated and I picked it up. _**I'm sorry**_ glared back at me from the small screen and for some reason the words felt heavy, weighted.

"Well this just…doesn't make sense." She announced, sitting back again and folding her arms. "Why would Ro be trying to get Dan's attention? And what's such a big deal about that?" She knew me enough to not pass this idea off as ridiculous, that she understand that this felt very…real to me.

"No, no, it's…" I frowned, trying to decipher what I had been feeling, trying to make sense of that suspicion that had come over me. "Look, I don't know why he'd be trying to get his brother's attention. Maybe he feels deprived of it." Oh gee, was that really it? But why was it such a big issue? Dan _loved_ spending time with his brother, so it wasn't like Ro should feel Dan avoided him or wanted to avoid him or some such…

Was it? Oh, none of this made sense.

"Deprived…" Tira muttered. "The older we get, the more we pull away from each other…" She suddenly gasped and sat forward. "What the heck!"

I frowned at her. "What?"

She turned wide eyes on me. "Could it be possible we've been even more deceived than we thought? That the twins are not as close as they've given the impression they are?"

That one hit me like a ton of bricks and my heart burned fiercely. Unless I was gravely mistaken, which I knew, with a bone-deep, aching _knowing_ I wasn't, the distance between the twins hurt Elladan. That if they were growing apart, all he really wanted was to be close to his brother…so why wasn't this working out?

I blew out a heavy breath. "But that should not _be_." I tapped my guitar helplessly. "Dan wants to be close to Ro, I know. And if Ro's trying to get Dan's attention, then what does that say about Ro's feelings on their drifting apart? How do you know they are anyway?"

"That's verbatim what Ro said." She gave a thoughtful frown. "And, well…I think, well, I know, Ro has his own weirdness issues with what's-her-name, the little tart there…do you think he has let his jealousy over that just…keep growing? It's bizarre, but very much his sort of dumb elfie thing to do."

I bit my lip, thinking. "He said he was mixed up in that mess because he was jealous of Elladan, and also of her…though why he was jealous of her I'm not…" I paused, trailing off as it clicked. "Oh."

"Oh? Oh what?"

"He was jealous she got Dan's attention and his time _oh_." I pointed out. "Which says some of Ro's problems are from _before_ the twat."

"That whole mess only exacerbated it," Tira concluded. She was beginning to sound less angry and almost sorry. "This is…this is, well, even more complex than before. But is it possible that this is…bigger than just jealousy of Elladan? Is it possible it's…oh, I don't know. That he resents Dan or feels Dan doesn't care about him as much?"

I gasped. "That's _nonsense_!"

"It _is_ nonsense," Tira agreed. "We, of course, know better. Is it possible Ro does not?"

"It's stupid that he does not." I ground out, suddenly very disgusted with the whole thing. How could Ro _not_ know? Elladan…psh, I totally knew Dan loved Elrohir very much.

"Agreed, but…"

"But?"

"I don't know. This just makes me very…sad. It does explain some things, though." She mused in a quiet, sorrowful tone.

"Like what?"

She waved a hand. "Just…stuff. It doesn't make much sense in my head right now. We do know, at least, there seems to be some break down in the twins' relationship which I don't think either wants."

"I would concur. I know Dan doesn't like it and Ro's actions say as much. If he didn't care about drifting away from Elladan, after all, he wouldn't be trying to get his attention."

Tira heaved a heavy sigh, so sad it made tears prick at my eyes and I realized her eyes were shimmering too. We didn't say anything more, both lost to our thoughts as we wallowed in hurting for the twins.

Finally, Tira slapped her hand down on her chair's arm and announced, "Enough of this blah-blah. It's not like we can do anything about it. Let's go think about something other than guys!"

I took a deep breath and glanced at my phone, knowing I still needed to reply, but I gave her a nod nonetheless.

"Good. I say we go watch some hilarious chick-flick and eat some horribly unhealthy snack foods, then pull an all-nighter. Before you know it, he'll show back up all contrite and then we'll jump on him and make him talk. Or something like that."

I snorted and shook my head, noting she hadn't specified which twin she expected to show back up. I didn't expect Dan to, so I was staking my bets on Ro showing up first. I shot her a half-smile. "I say that sounds like an idea."

"That's what I thought. They don't call me O Blue One for nothing!"

This time, I did laugh. "I don't really think that nickname has anything to do with your strange ideas."

"No, but it sounds good." She shrugged and grinned at me. "Now, let's go forget about life for awhile."

"Yeah, alright." I nodded and stood up. As we strolled back inside, I stared at my phone, at my log of recent texts from Elladan. At the back door, I paused and turned back to the night, thinking for a moment. He was out there, somewhere; out there in this world and hiding himself all away in his misery and despair and self-sacrificing idiocy. "Being cryptic isn't being helpful," I finally muttered to him as I turned away and headed inside.

_**I can't very well pass you on by when I've already built my life to include you.**_ I at last replied to him as I joined Tira in the living room.

She was digging through my movies and muttering about wishing she could have brought her collection.

_**And things don't have to be the same. They just have to get better.**_ I sent quickly after the first.

_**As the phoenix rises from the ashes anew, so you can rise from this without me.**_

Frustrated, I wanted to toss my phone away and give it up as a bad job…but that's what he was trying get me to do, wasn't it? Get me to give up on him?

"Why does he _do_ that?" The question slipped out before I could stop it.

"Probably because he is also a dumb elfie." Tira answered.

I shot my gaze over to her. "Yeah, probably," I muttered.

Tira glanced at me. "Oh, so you're not going to explain?"

"It's…Dan."

"I kind of figured."

"We've been texting."

"Oh? That is…well, I didn't expect that one." She frowned, looking thoughtful. "What's he saying?"

"Ridiculousity." I answered, borrowing one of her words.

She snorted. "That just figures."

"He's not…really listening to me. He just keeps trying to…dissuade me."

"Dissuade you from what?"

"Helping him, being with him, loving him. His latest is to tell me to move on without him."

"And he'll just go on without you but _not_ move on from anything himself." Tira huffed. "Idiot."

"You have to admit, he's being rather…self-sacrificing. In an aggravating kind of way."

"I'll say." Tira turned back to the movies and grabbed one. "Failure to Launch. I've heard of this, never seen it."

I shrugged. "We can watch it, if you want."

"Eh, sure. I'm whatever." She shrugged too and opened the blu-ray player.

There was a knock at the front door, but before either of us could move, the door opened, and within seconds, Aragorn emerged from the entryway, dragging a reluctant-looking Elrohir into the room with a self-satisfied smile on his scruffy face.

"I believe you lost this," the ranger announced.

Elrohir grumbled something under his breath and the look on Aragorn's face was perfected innocence and of studiously ignoring his brother's words. Instead, Aragorn gave a sharp tug on Ro's arm, as if to encourage him to do something.

"I believe he has something he wants to say to you," Aragorn said pointedly. The human-turned-elven-looking played the part of annoying little brother this evening…if the look Ro sent him was anything to go by.

Tira quirked a brow. "Well go on, we're listening."

Aragorn tugged on Elrohir's arm again. "Go on, El. Explain."

"I told you that in confidence, you smug brat," Elrohir grumbled.

"I'm sorry, Ro. I don't think those are the proper English words. Try again." Estel grinned innocently, looking entirely too pleased with himself.

Tira and I exchanged a glance, wondering what this was all about.

Elrohir heaved a heavy sigh, as if he'd been very much put-upon. "You'll get yours, brother," he muttered to the ranger, before he turned his attention to Tira. "I…I am sorry," he began. "Sorry for my…harsh words, for hurting you."

My lips twitched, understanding why Aragorn was so pleased. Making amends, after all, can make one very happy. And Elrohir _did_ look all contrite and sincere. Tira'd called that one right.

Ro glanced at me and Aragorn, then his eyes returned to Tira. "And can I…" he cleared his throat stiffly. "Can I speak to you alone?"

"Oh, I dunno." Tira mused with a thoughtful glance up at the ceiling. "You were kind of mean earlier, apology aside. Graciousity, after all, is Raina's department."

Elrohir's face ran the gamut of exasperated amusement, exasperated fondness, and then, exasperated exasperation. It was an…interesting combination, all tied together by that one common element—exasperation. It might have been a bit of overkill, but at least he was trying to be patient.

The two needed a bit of nudge. Tira, actually, needed to quit giving him a hard time, needed to take it easy on him. It was obvious he was putting himself out there for her, was trying to make things right. And, of course, there was all the struggling we were beginning to pick up on in him.

So I reached over and flicked Tira's arm.

"Ow!" She jumped and turned on me. "How rude." I simply stared balefully at her, refusing to budge, warning her to give in…gracefully. To take it easy on him. She sighed. "Oh fine. You're right, like usual."

I stuck my tongue out at her tone. "Go on, don't be an _idiot_."

She huffed at me, but turned back to Elrohir. "Come on, let's go." She marched past him, but I could tell she wasn't angry. She was doing it more for the sake of doing it…actually, I think she felt rather sorry for him, all things considered.

Especially considering a few of the revelations we had arrived at earlier.

As they left, I found myself facing the ranger and he eyed me shrewdly. I shifted and he finally asked, "Feeling better?"

I shrugged. "A little. I am sorry." I referred to leaving him waiting for lunch.

"It's alright." He paused. "I've heard through the grapevine that things aren't so very…lovely around here. Did something happen, though? It's not like you to, well, forget or miss something like that."

I smiled sheepishly and headed over to the couch, plopping down. "Yeah, something happened. It was…uh, not so very nice." I shrugged. "Some trouble with some…lech." I glanced up to see him wince. "And your brother acting all weird on me."

This made Aragorn quirk a brow. "What did he do?"

"I don't even _know_. I've been trying to figure it out."

Aragorn nodded and came over to sit on the couch beside me. "Dan's…difficult to understand. He's confused me a lot over the years."

I snorted softly with amusement. "I know it." I shot him a grin at the disgruntled look he gave me.

"That's still somewhat unnerving, you know."

"Yeah, I am aware."

He stuck his tongue out at me for my flippant tone. But a smile was tugging at his lips. "Then you should also know half the time Dan doesn't know how to assimilate or properly communicate how he feels."

I sighed, flopping back. "I don't know, I think he's been pretty clear about how he feels."

"Oh?"

"Yes, he wants me to give up on him."

A surprised look flitted across his face, then suspicious understanding and sadness wrestled it aside. "So like him, to think it'd just be better for everyone if he wasn't in their lives."

Startled at this way of putting it, I turned to face him. "He's acted that way with you?"

"A time or two. He just…when he hurts people, he can't forgive himself." Aragorn frowned thoughtfully. "He convinces himself it'd be better he wasn't in their lives, because then he wouldn't hurt those he cares about. It took years to understand this about him; most of the time, I thought he had a problem with _me_."

"Ah." I nodded and settled back into my seat. I could think of a few times this might apply to.

"I guess he loves too much. He has an…unnatural fear of hurting people. I don't know where it comes from. Maybe something happened. Once bit, twice shy, so to speak. I don't know."

I pondered that one. "What, exactly, are you saying? Unnatural fear? Aren't we all afraid of hurting those we love?"

"Yes, but there's something…_more_ to it with Elladan. Like it is the terminating factor in his relationships, if he hurts someone. Like…that's it? He's lost it? He's ruined everything?" Aragorn's face screwed up as he said this uncertainly. "I don't really know. It's never made sense. I just know there's…something about it."


	20. 20 Tira

Conversations

Chapter 20 - Tira

Playing up the whole miffed and slighted attitude, I consented to go have an "alone" talk with my elfie, grabbing his arm as I marched past him out the door, in case he had ideas of skipping out on said requested alone talk. I wouldn't put it past him, mind you, even if he is the one that requested it. These elfies are strange creatures with even stranger thought processes.

"Tira, I-"

"No, no, not yet. We're not in the right spot yet." I interrupted. I wanted to hear what he had to say, but the setting, the moment, and my nerves had to be just right. I led him over to the cute little carved bench in the mini-flower garden. I had given Raina that bench…one of my best friends had carved it, and when I saw it, it was just screaming "Raina!" at me.

"Ok, sit. Talk. Therapy session has begun."

He sighed in what sounded like amused exasperation. "Alright, well, first things first I'm sorry. I should not have taken my anger and frustrations out on you in that manner."

"You know, when you say it like that, you make it sound like you should have done it in some other manner. That's not very reassuring."

"Tira, can we be serious?"

"I thought we were being serious. See, this is me being serious." I put on my poker face, which is a really good one. But I couldn't resist, and had to raise an eyebrow.

"No, this is you deflecting, which you're quite good at."

Pot, meet kettle. I snorted. "I'm good at deflecting? And you're what, completely honest 24-7?"

"I…well, no, but…"

"But nothing." I huffed, crossing my arms and leaning back against the tree the bench was situated in front of.

"Ok, look, I didn't bring you out here to fight some more. I…what do you know about elves?"

Now that question really had me raising an eyebrow in disbelief. "Care to rephrase that to a less open-ended question? Because what I know can fill a book. In fact, it did, which is how I know it. But that's neither here nor there."

Another sigh, and something tugged at me. "What do you know about elven couples?"

"They're monogamous, they're forever, eventually they may mutually separate and live apart though they are still married. That sort of stuff."

"And anything more personal?"

"Well, I know that elven parents share a bond with their children…"

I had no clue where these questions were leading, or why he felt the need to ask them in the first place. I was not wanting, needing, or expecting a science lesson.

He fidgeted, and I held back a smile at the sight. This was serious time. Finally he sort of turned to me, angling himself so he was facing me, but still sitting, and picked up my hand.

"Well, you know Dan and I have a bond, of sorts, with each other?"

"Yes."

"Well, an eleven couple also, like the bond between a parent and child or twins, develop a bond, where they can often sense feelings and the like."

"Ok, and how does this bond develop? Is it a time thing, or a sex thing?"

He blanched at the word sex, and I really wanted to laugh, but held it in. First time a guy I'd spoken with was afraid of that…but then, most Earth guys are horn dogs, and elves are…monogamous. They have one person, one love, and that's it, forever. I can't necessarily say that's a bad thing, either.

"No, it's…it is a soul thing."

"Alright. And what does this have to do with me, or an apology? Speaking of which, I didn't accept your badly phrased apology from before, so you need to do a better one that does not make it sound like you want to blame me."

Lots and lots of exasperation. It was written all over his face, and swirling all through me. We butt heads, a lot. Made me wonder why I adored him so, but I don't think there's a good reason ever for someone liking someone else. It's not pheromones, or things in common, it just _is_.

"Look, Tira, I…I love you. I want to have with you what my parents have with each other. I want…no, I _am_ yours, forever, irrevocably. I…I just…say something."

"Wow. Alright." I was off my stride, as I hadn't seen that one coming. "Um. I sincerely hope that wasn't a marriage proposal, cause it was not at all as I imagined."

"That's all you have to say?"

"I didn't say that was all I had to say. You just laid the whammy of all whammies on me with that, you know. Even I, alas, am not infallible and can be surprised. Give me a minute."

He was…_looking_ at me in such a childish, hopeful way, and it was a little weird, considering I was feeling things I didn't think I was really feeling, which was confusing.

"Alright. So, let me get this straight. Elves develop at any point in a relationship with their significant other a bond, much like the bond you and Dan have. And now you are saying you desire to work on making such a bond with me. You want, with me, what your parents have."

"Yes…"

"That's…weird."

"Weird?" He repeated, looking a little crestfallen.

"Yes, weird. In a good way. I mean…this is sort of like marriage, but…not?"

"I suppose you could say that."

"It's like…a better way of…knowing, understanding, your partner?"

"I guess."

I thought about this for a second. Anticipation, hopefulness, confusion…where was this coming from? I gasped.

"Oh by all the somnambulistic bunnies in Mexico!"

"What?" He sounded genuinely confused, and I supposed my exclamation of surprise would do that to most anyone. Not many people refer to Mexican sleep-walking rabbits.

"I…you…we…I think…you're confused right now, hopeful…you…I don't know. This is…oh, pop-tarts."

"Pop-tarts?" He echoed. I had the boy good and confused, but that wasn't my main concern. No, these bizarre not-feelings were my concern.

"How…how does it work? I mean, how does one create a connection?"

"I…I'm not sure, really. It's not one of those explainable things."

"Because…wow. Like…wow." My phone buzzed and I dug it out, confused as to who would be calling, texting, emailing…

_You should escape before it happens…it can only bring pain and misery to you._

Wow…Elladan had become Mister Downer…I snorted and began furiously typing back.

_The only way you could know what we're talking about is if you're nearby, so either stop lurking and show yourself, or go away, or I'll tell Raina and Ro._

_No you won't. You wouldn't want to hurt Raina, and I can't…Ro doesn't want to see me._

_Nonsense._

Apparently he had given up on convincing me of the doom that had befallen his brother and me, because he didn't answer.

"Who was that?"

"Oh, just a friend." I waved it off. Snickerdoodles, why did Dan have to be right? I couldn't bring myself to tell Ro or Raina about the lurking idiot because I didn't want to hurt them.

"Anyway, you were about to say something about…bonds?"

"Yeah, like…can't you feel it?"

He smiled, his entire face lighting up. "You're not…angry…then?"

"Noooo…should I be?"

"Well, no, but…" he shrugged. "I mean, with you I'm never quite certain what might set you off. You're…volatile. A volcano ready to blow."

"I know. Isn't it great?"

"And, you know, I'm sorry. Really, sincerely. My problems…are my problems, and I should not lay them on you."

"Yes, yes, that'll do." I grinned. "But, you know, one of the many facets of a relationship is being there, understanding and helping and soothing and just _being_. So, in a sense, your problems are my problems."

"If that is true, then your problems are mine." He tried to trick me.

"Yes, but since I'm the Mary Poppins in this relationship, there are no problems to lay on your shoulders."

Liar. I am such a liar.

"Mary Poppins?"

"Yes, practically perfect in every way."

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that."

"Pssh, whatever. You just don't want to admit it."

"There's nothing to admit. Although, you are practically perfect…for me. You and I, Tira, are made for one another."

"As hokey as that sounds, I love it. Keep buttering me up boy and I may actually marry you yet."

"Um…"

"Oh relax. What is it about the male species that gets all stupid over the word marriage?"

"I-"

"That was a rhetorical question."

"Oh."

"Anyway, problems. What is your problem today? The doctor is in."

"Ah…"

"Come, come. Spill, my lovely."

"Alright…well, my problem today is lack of understanding on the reason or reasons you have such a dislike for your properly given name."

"Yes, well, that's more of my non-problem than your problem-problem. You had wonderful parents, I didn't. Enough said. Next problem."

He gave me an irritated look. "Okay…I have a problem with your non-problem."

"Well, since it's a non-problem, there's no problem to have a problem over, so thus there is no problem, and time's up! I'm hungry, I think. Let's go find some food. Besides, I totally want to eavesdrop on whatever conversation your brother and my sister are having."

"Brother…oh, Estel."

"Yeah, conveniently forgot about him, didn't you. Ha, just wait til I tell him that. You're in for it now, lovey."

"Estel couldn't take me if I was in a body cast."

"Ha, we'll see about that."

I jumped to my feet, lost my balance and fell into his arms. Ah, how perfect. Like, chick-flick movie perfect. He shook his head with that cute little smile on his face and then leaned down to give me a kiss. I like kisses.

Setting me back on my feet he took my hand in his and decided to lead the way, possibly to keep me from falling over again. Ha! Head over heels…in love. Or just hungry. Or even both. Although, if he thought this romantic, slow amble towards the house was happening, he was delusional.

I wanted to run. So I did. Dragging him along behind me.

"Tira…" He shook his head when we finally stopped at the door step.

"What? I said I was hungry. Never get between a girl and her food. At least, never get between this girl and her food. Not that I want you getting between any other girl, food or no food. That's going too far."

"Ah, ok. So, what's really the deal? Dinner was not that long ago."

"And what, is there a rule that says a girl can't want a snack between meals? I thought so. Come along."

I know he had to be shaking his head, or some other exasperated manoeuvre. But come on, why did he want to dig into my past so much? It was totally different when I did it, I was trying to help Raina and Dan, but to do that I had to learn why Ro and Dan were at odds, thus needing to dig into his past. It made perfect sense when one thought about it.

We entered the house together and I made a beeline for the kitchen. I had to eat or drink something now, if only to keep him off my back. Scanning the refrigerator's contents I found where I had hidden it the chocolate Hershey's bar. Perfect. Chocolate fixes almost everything emotional, just like duck tape fixes things physical. It's all good.

Grabbing the bar I opened it and wandered into the living room. Raina and Estel were in there chatting, but I noticed Raina had her hand on her phone and my heart wrenched. I wanted to tell her, I did, but I didn't want to hurt her, and telling her would hurt her. Catch-22. I hate them.

"Hey y'all, how's it?"

"Fine, and you?" Estel gave me a huge grin.

"Quite well, thanks. Where'd the elf go?"

"Bathroom." Raina filled in.

"Ah, I see."

"And how did your conversation go?"

"Very nicely, thanks. I learned more than I really needed to know about bonds. Anywho, what are we doing now?"

"Just hanging out."

I nodded at that. I could do that. I noticed her hand tighten around her phone as it vibrated. Hmm. And what doomsday message was he preaching at her now?

She sighed and typed something, then set the phone aside. Hmm.

"So, I say we have a big ol' story night. I'm certain, absolutely certain, there's plenty of stories we have yet to hear, as well as some I wouldn't mind hearing again. You can start." I whirled on Elrohir, who thought he was going to sneak up on me.

"Ah, I don't…well, there was that huge snowstorm when Aragorn was just a little kid. It was wonderfully amusing…"

"Oh, yes. I remember that." Estel's eyes lit up. It was very cute, and father actually came out and played with us."

"Well then, by all means, tell!" I got all comfy in a chair and looked expectantly between the brothers.


	21. 21 Raina

Conversations

Chapter 21 - Raina

_**Why are you so paranoid about hurting people?**_ As Aragorn and I sat there, with his little bit of perspective sitting in the air, I decided to ask Dan to explain this insight about himself. I didn't feel I had a proper reply to his last piece of advice, so I didn't bother responding to it.

As we sat there in silence, with me idly flipping through Amazon Prime videos with my TV's connection -since we had to hold the movie up on Tira- I tried to find something to distract myself from all this.

Finally, Aragorn stirred and I flicked my eyes over to him. "I hope their conversation is going well," he muttered loud enough for me to hear as his eyes flickered over to the alcove for the front door.

"Well, if Ro's not being a jerk and Tira's behaving herself, I'm sure it's fine."

"That seems like a shaky if, to me." Aragorn glanced back to me.

I raised my brows. "What, Ro not being a jerk?" I couldn't resist teasing.

"No, Tira behaving herself." Aragorn retorted.

I giggled. "Because, of course, if something's going wrong, it'd be Tira's fault?"

"No. It's just…Ro really _is_ sorry and he has something…important to tell her. Really, it's Tira's response that worries me." He really did look troubled.

Once again, I found myself frowning. "Is it something bad?"

Slowly, the ranger shook his head. "Well, at least, I wouldn't consider it bad. I honestly don't know how Tira'll take it, but it _is_ equally her doing."

"What is?" I queried, tilting my head at him in confusion.

He sighed. "Really, it's up to one of them to tell you. Sorry."

"Oh fine." I sighed, settling back into my seat and eyeing the TV screen with disinterest. Since Aragorn wouldn't be helpful, I'd just have to wait until they came back inside, and in the mean time, hope that whatever it was, Tira would be okay with it.

After all, she couldn't fault Ro for something that is equally her fault, now could she? Tira was fiery, hotheaded, and unpredictable, but she _was_ reasonable. Or, at least, she could be.

_**It's not paranoia; it's caution. I can't destroy what I can't hurt.**_ My brows rose as I read the message, surprised that he had finally answered what was almost twenty minutes later. I had begun to think he was not going to reply to it at all.

_**I can't hurt what I'm not involved with**_ came not so very long after the first. _**It's about protection. For you, for others; not for me**_ I suppressed a sigh at the next text that came through, about a minute later.

"What is it?" Aragorn queried, glancing between me and my phone.

"It's your brother." I answered.

"Ah. What did he say?"

"I asked him _why_ he's so paranoid about hurting people." I explained, and Aragorn nodded, tracking with me. "He said it isn't paranoia."

A brow inched upward. "Uh-huh," said doubtfully.

"It's caution, he claims. It's protection. For those he cares about."

Aragorn muttered something under his breath, but though I could tell it sounded exasperated, I could not understand the words due to their Sindarin masking.

"Sorry, what was that?" I asked, leaning towards him. It was getting somewhat annoying to be unable to tell what people were saying.

"I said he needs to learn a thing or two about caution." He translated, then elaborated, "It's one thing to watch carefully what you say and do to avoid damaging our relationships and dealing undue hurt; it's another thing entirely to withdraw from having any relationships because of, as you put it, paranoia about hurting others. That's not caution; that's living in fear, and that is not healthy."

I nodded. "I couldn't agree more. Legolas said it best, though. _I cannot live my life in a self-made cage, either to keep the world out or to keep myself in…that's not safety, that's cowardice._"

Aragorn looked a little surprised, but not so very perturbed. I think he was beginning to -slowly- get used to us knowing so much about them, down to things that they had said so long ago. "Yes, and he is right. Dan, though…I don't think he quite understands that. At least, not in the way a life's lesson makes us understand."

"Yeah." I answered, then turned my attention to typing out a reply to Elladan, using what I had just told Aragorn. _**You can't live your life in a self-made cage, El, either to keep the world -us- out or to keep yourself in…that is not safety; that is cowardice. It's not wisdom or freedom; it's bondage.**_

It was silent for a few minutes, but just as the front door was opening to admit Tira and Elrohir, my phone went off.

_**How do I make you understand, Raina?**_ I snorted, asking myself that same question of _him_. _**I would that I not destroy you…that I give this up while I am ahead, if I am at all.**_

I dropped my hand to my lap, feeling a flash of irritability and exasperation. I was tempted to wallop him over the head and tell him to grow a few more brain cells, but that was a little complicated to do. I mean, he wasn't here, for one thing. Which _was_ the problem.

Of course, I could always tell him what I wanted to, anyway. I had no doubts that he was definitely reading my messages. Then again, that itself was a problem too, wasn't it? What if I didn't really want to say that to him? Being harsh with people…it was never really my style.

Still, maybe he needed a sharp clue, eh?

"Since it's so complicated, I assume it has to do with the idiot." Elrohir's voice startled me from my thoughts. I looked up to see them both watching me, which quickly let me know that he was talking to me.

"Doesn't everything?" Aragorn queried.

Elrohir didn't appear to see the odd look his brother was shooting him, but I filed it away for later consideration. First, Ro's question and then Dan's idiocy…because Ro was right, Dan was being an idiot.

"Why wouldn't it?" I asked him. "I'm just trying to decide if I should say what my irritability really wants to tell him."

"To what, bugger off?"

I was taken aback at the words, because while to me the expression had always seemed harmless, I knew that it was, actually, taboo. In the Meians' minds, it would be no different. So that left me wondering where this hostility towards his twin was coming from.

"No." I answered slowly. "But something probably equally as harsh."

Elrohir shrugged. "Sometimes harsh is the only thing that computes in his lacking brain."

He spoke so smoothly, so indifferently. But again, I sensed an underlying hostility. And this time, I noticed that Estel was giving his brother a not so well-concealed look of reproach and incredulity. Apparently I wasn't the only one to pick up on a meaner edge to Elrohir's words.

I really didn't get what this was all about and it was, on top of everything else, beginning to bug me. I opened my mouth to voice my disgruntlement a little and ask him to explain why he's talking this way, but he beat me to it, hastily excusing himself for the bathroom.

Aragorn frowned fiercely after him, even when he'd disappeared down the hall, leaving the sudden tension he had created behind him. Frustrated, I hastily pounded out a reply to Elladan before I could think twice about it and sent it, Elrohir's advice echoing in my mind.

_**Grow a few more brain cells, Dan. In every trust there is the possibility of betrayal; in every relationship, of being hurt. It doesn't mean you hole up somewhere and never live because you're afraid of pain. Your paranoia (if it isn't, prove it) is only making things worse, not preventing anything.**_

I tried to take a few calming breaths, but he'd shot a message back with a surprising swiftness. And it only exacerbated my frustration.

_**You're upset. Maybe we should just stop talking.**_

_**Duh. Of course I'm upset. Why wouldn't I be? You're being stupid. **_I'd already sent it before I was wondering how this had degraded into such a heated discussion. At least, _I_ certainly didn't feel calm. It felt like he _wanted_ to vex me and, to a degree, he was certainly succeeding. _**And that's exactly what you want, isn't it? To stop talking? Are you *trying* to make me angry?**_

_**No, I'm not. I'm *trying* to be honest.**_

I angrily noted that he hadn't answered my other question. In fact, his reply felt very curt. Fine. Two could play that game.

_**Sure.**_

Cause he'd just been _so_ honest with me about everything so far, right? Yeah, right.

I closed my eyes and took a cleansing breath, willing the heat of my aggravation to dim. A moment of peace washed over me suddenly, like an armistice. I needed to calm.

Tira ambled back in with a chocolate bar in hand. I sincerely hoped that didn't signal her talk with Elrohir didn't go so well. Chocolate was Tira's therapy food.

"Hey y'all, how's it?" she mumbled around a mouthful.

"Fine, and you?" Estel volunteered for both of us. He'd been quiet the past few minutes, letting me wrestle with his brother. I'm sure he'd been able to read the tension in me, but I guess he'd picked up on the fact that I was trying to relax again.

"Quite well, thanks. Where'd the elf go?"

I knew she wasn't referring to Elladan. _Off to Idiotville_, after all, was not the answer she was looking for. It was a little more closer to home, for her at least.

"Bathroom." Unless Ro had skedaddled off some place to nurse his hostility and resentment.

"Ah, I see."

"And how did your conversation go?" I pressed, considering that his amarulence earlier might've also signalled things hadn't gone well.

Tira soon put those fears to rest and when she asked what we were doing now, I didn't think it appropriate to tell her that we were going to assemble search parties and go out to find Elladan so we could drag him back here by his pointy ears and proceed to stage an intervention.

Nah, she'd much prefer just hanging out, but I was soon distracted by said pointy-eared mop of woe.

_**Raina, *please* just let this go. Let me go. And *don't* hang yourself up on me. You need to forget about me, about me and you.**_

His reply felt calmer, too.

All I could feel, though, was all the fight draining out of me and with defeat I thought, _Whatever, Dan_. I dejectedly typed a reply, _**I can't. It's too late for that.**_ I sighed and felt quiet, sad as I sent it and placed my phone on the coffee table. _I don't want to talk to you anymore this evening_, I couldn't help thinking, my heartache making me feel weary and drained.

Tira was talking about sharing stories and since I didn't feel up to doing anything, I just went along with it. Truthfully, I just wanted to curl up into bed and find some comfort in being unaware of the world.

I remembered eventually falling asleep on the couch, so how I woke up in my bed, I don't know. I guess Trelan (who showed up late in the evening) or Elrohir had carried me back here; not sure, doesn't really matter, I suppose.

But I was dozing there, nearly asleep, only partly awake, when I sensed something familiar in the room behind me. The presence was calming, comforting, sure…as if I identified it on a personal level. I, actually, didn't think anything of it in that moment, didn't move or awaken.

Until there was a sigh, my name—longing, pain, remorse. I blinked my eyes open as I considered these things, but it wasn't until it registered, that I realised what had brought me awake, what I had heard.

Yet, when I opened my eyes, the room was vacant and looked as similar to how I had left it last night as it possibly could. I shifted and stretched, wincing at how uncomfortable it is to sleep in day clothes.

Then I stared up at the ceiling and released a heavy breath. So I dreamt that. Again, I was dreaming of his presence, his comfort, his light in my life. I missed his eyes, his smile, his _face_. His kisses, his touch. I missed _him_.

Why did he insist on being stupid about this? Well, I could kind of figure. The nift thought he was doing right by me; he wanted to do right by those he loved. But in so doing, he had blinded himself to what we wanted from him, for him; blinded himself to the fact that we wanted _him_, wanted him in our lives, with us, part of us.

As I laid there and thought over it all, I could feel myself sinking farther. My heart had been steadily falling since this all began and I blinked at the tears that pricked my eyes.

I suppose I should just get used to it…Elladan wanted me to. But did he really want me to get used to this feeling of _heartache_? I'd come too far with him to just move on unaffected now, to feel whole and fine. It'd take far too long…if I ever could. I think, there would always be a part of me, even if I moved on, stuck on him.

We were meant to be, after all. I knew we were _destined_…so there couldn't be another, there couldn't be something else.

Sighing again, I got up and padded over to my desk, to grab up the journal meant for no other eyes but his. Then, I exchanged CDs in my stereo and threw back the curtains and opened the window. The early morning air was refreshing and for a second I eyed the backyard.

_Tell me what to do, ooh, about you…_

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, listening to the quiet music (didn't want to wake anyone) of the newest song to strike me as excellent for this situation, Demi Lovato's Tell Me What to Do.

'_Cause it's been a long time coming, so tell me where are you running to?_

For a moment, a desperation and breath-stealing depression washed over me before I pushed it out of my mind and let myself be comforted in the music. I knocked the screen out of the window so that it toppled to the ground outside, propped against the house, and I could sit on the sill and be comfortable (I'd already taken it off before, as I liked to do this when the weather was agreeable).

I turned my attention to the journal in my hand, cracking it open to the last entry. I glanced over it before I began a new one and once more poured my thoughts, my heart out. And when the song ended, I hit the replay.

See, it wasn't so much that I had never gone times without Elladan here with me since things between us had changed from friendship to deeper…no, no, this was him _leaving_ and that's what made his absence different.

And yet, if he was gone…why was he still so close to me? As I ruminated over that one, a gentle breeze tugged at my hair and I tucked a loose lock behind my ear. Not really able to come to much of a conclusion, I just continued in the journal.

He had my heart and that kind of complicated things if he wanted to back out now. The notion seemed so farfetched to me, because I would never have considered it of him. And yet, he wasn't doing all this the way most other people did. He was leaving me, not because he wanted to, but for _me_… Still, it was depressing, aggravating, confusing that he expected me to just _move on_ without my heart. How could he really expect that?

_It's been a long time coming, I can't stop loving you…_

Finally, I sighed and looked up from the journal to cast my eyes around the outside world. It would be a beautiful day…sans the heat, that is. Yet, the loveliness of the day seemed lost to me. My heart hurt too much, had sunk a little too far.

I dropped my head back against the wall and thought over what I would have to do today; there was all the fallout of yesterday to deal with and I was not looking forward to that. For now, though, the day was still early and I would enjoy the morning before things got crazy.

So I got up, fixed the screen, and closed the window. I paused for a moment, taking one last look as I let my thoughts drift. Then I turned away to dress and fix my hair, checking my phone to see he still hadn't replied to my last text about it being too late. Oh, well. I couldn't make him see anything he didn't want to see.

I grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen and headed out back with my guitar in hand, to more fully take in a good morning, considering it was Texas in summer.

The world was quiet and peaceful, but even as I wallowed in it, I felt detached from it; there was too much turmoil inside of me and I was trying to fight waves of depression.

Music has always helped me through tough times and being able to play something _myself_ worked even better, so I settled back and began to strum Taylor Swift's Innocent. It was fitting, I'd say. Not that he could hear.

Even though all of this gunk of my emotions was rife within me, I felt calm. And melancholy. And like crying. Go figure that one. And while I wept within, on the outside I was collected, composed. But my voice choked up on the last two words as I sang, "I hope you remember today is never too late to be brand new…" I breathed deeply, shakily, and swallowed hard.

_Keep yourself together, girl. You're strong enough to weather this…you've weathered enough already. You can get through._

My voice was still shaky, though, watery at times, as I finished the song. After, I just tilted my head back and closed my eyes, breathing in and letting the sunshine fall on my face.

"You know, it's very apt," a voice commented from behind me, and I startled slightly.

I turned and saw Trelan leaning against the side of the house, arms folded and a quiet, sorrowed look on his face. "How long have you been there?" I asked.

"Long enough." He smiled sadly and came over to sit in the chair beside me. "How are you holding up?"

I shrugged. "Well enough, I guess. I just have to be able to concentrate today and I should be good."

He nodded. "Do you have a long day?"

"Kind of. I've got several deadlines approaching within the next few days. Plus, I've got to decide what to do about George."

"George?" He suddenly shot forward, nearly out of his seat. "What did he do?"

I momentarily considered deflecting his demanded question, but I realised that, being the perceptive person that he is, he's picked up that something _more_ than what he already knew about had happened.

"Raina?" he pressed, worry creeping through his impatient tone.

"I had to leave work early yesterday because he was…being his obnoxious self."

Trelan stared at me and I knew he was picking up on what I meant, because his hand was clenched around the arm of his chair so hard the stretched skin had turned a livid white.

I searched for some way to reassure him. "Don't worry, Elladan took him down."

The wood-elf remained quiet but a brow quirked slightly as he settled back into his seat. After a moment, he finally commented, "So you've seen him since he disappeared."

"For two seconds. Then he took off."

He shook his head, exasperation rolling off him in waves. He didn't seem inclined to speak, so I left him to his thoughts and tried to settle my own mind. It wasn't really working, so finally I stirred and stood up.

"Well, I'm going inside."

He barely spared me a glance and a nod.

After depositing my guitar back in my room, I found Tira in the kitchen. She speared me with a stern glance when I entered and gestured firmly to the table.

"Sit. I made breakfast." She checked the oven, from which a most delicious smell was emanating. "Do you have work today?" she asked as she stirred something in a mixing bowl.

"Not out of the house." I answered, coming closer to peek at what she was making, but she waved me away.

"I said sit. I'm making breakfast."

"I can help," I offered, even as she shooed me away again, waving her hands and looking like a mother hen in a fluster of movement.

"Nope. Ro was helping me and that was all the help I needed. Do you know where he wandered off to, by the way?"

"No." I plopped into a seat, satisfying her. She finally stopped imitating a chicken and went back to work.

"Oh well. He'll be back in time for breakfast. He's notorious for having a sixth sense about the timing of meals. And you, you nift," she rounded on me and wagged a warning finger, "will eat. Mind you, I know all about your bad eating habits and I won't let you avoid breakfast this morning."

I sent her a smile, but it dropped when my eyes fell on three sheets of notebook paper sitting across from me. Definitely not where _I_ had left them…and -when I pulled them towards me- not in the _order_ I had left them, either.

"Tira…" I began slowly as I eyed the papers before me. She hummed a distracted acknowledgement. "Who's messed with my mail?"

"It was the elf, in the kitchen, with the, um…"

She easily enough imprecated herself, but… "The elf, as in, _Ro_?"

"Well, yeah. What other elf _is_ there who was in the kitchen, with the, um…eavesdropping?"

I really wasn't sure how I felt about them snooping around in my mail. Tira, okay…I could understand that one. She can't resist these things. I'd probably have shared it with her anyway…maybe. I mean, it was Elladan's personal thoughts that he'd shared with _me_, and sharing them without his permission…oh, I didn't even want to think about it.

And Ro? Sure, Dan had told me to ask his brother for confirmation of some things he'd said in the letter, but why was I so uneasy at the thought of Elrohir getting this same glimpse I'd been given of Elladan's thoughts?

Probably because, even if I had asked Ro, that didn't mean I'd have let him read the whole letter. It all felt…intensely personal. Just between Dan and I. And I didn't want to break that confidence. Somehow, though, I inadvertently had.

What would Elladan say when he found out?

He'd entrusted this part of himself to me and it had been meant for _my_ eyes alone…I didn't get the idea that he'd be too happy to find out his thoughts had been tossed around for viewing like pictures of a trip to far-off places.

"Okay, fine, yes…I read it. But it was for you I did it, you know."

I fought back a wave of possessiveness. I could understand where she was coming from and she'd meant no harm by it…but I also worried that Dan would feel that it had been a violation of his personal sanctuary, all those thoughts he kept under lock and key. He'd let me have a glimpse, but he might just decide to not "make that mistake" again.

I sighed and deliberately laid the papers back down, carefully choosing my words as I considered a response. "I understand the reason behind the choice you made. My concern is how El will feel about you both reading his thoughts…well, it's very likely he'll feel you took advantage of the confidence he _did_ give me."

"Oh pooh, the guy has so many problems, a bit of a slight to his pride is barely a dent. He'll get over it sooner or later, and if he doesn't, I'll make him."

I sighed, feeling it was a lost cause to convince her that this violation of privacy wasn't a trivial matter. I could already imagine the explosion that would accompany _Elladan_ snooping around in her private things, such as journals and the letters she had stuffed into an old, wooden box, locked by a key that she kept on her at all times…

I was about to give it up as a bad job when, with Tira pulling biscuits from the oven, Elrohir innocently strolled in. I tilted my head slightly, brow furrowing. The elf avoided my gaze, setting off warning bells in my mind about just how _innocent_ his "innocence" was.

"There you are. Ran off and let me do all the work." Tira grumbled.

"I did not leave you all the work. I made the strawberries." Elrohir shot back.

Is _that_ what she was making for breakfast…Strawberry shortcake, my favourite. She was trying to get me to eat.

"Well, put them on the table."

Oh, that _nonchalance_ written all over his face as he did as instructed and had to come over to me to do so! Still, it was blatant he was not meeting my gaze, which confirmed his guilt.

I clenched my jaw and breathed deeply as I carefully folded the letter back up and slipped it into its envelope. I could pore over it later, when I had the time. For now…

I cleared my throat and said offhandedly, "Ro, I'm supposed to ask you a question."

"Er, okay. Yes, I like strawberry shortcake."

"Well, that's all well and good, but not my question unfortunately." I continued, nonchalant now myself. My eyes were focused on my hands as I cleared the space in front of me for a plate, but I noted -from the corner of my eye- the cornered look that flashed across his face. He knew what I was driving at and he'd been trying to get the jump on the wrong question in order to avoid it.

I set the letter aside and folded my hands in the empty space on the table. Pinning him with a look, I asked sincerely, "Is it true, that when Dan lets anyone in, it's destructive to that person?"

The reaction was instant. Tira dropped a biscuit, hissing as it fell to the floor in her obvious startle. Elrohir, however, blanched so swiftly and utterly, I almost feared he'd pass out. Wide eyes were focused on me frantically for a moment before he looked away and plopped into a chair as far away from me as he could get.

"I don't…he isn't…we're not…pass the strawberries?"

I stifled a sigh. "Sure, Ro," I answered amiably. "But you don't have a plate." I pointed out as I handed the bowl to him.

His lips tightened into a thin line as I called his bluff. I'd known him a bit too long to fall for his deflection.

Tira, biscuit and composure recovered from her startle, opened a cupboard in the background to retrieve plates.

I stared at him, silently conveying that I wasn't letting this go.

He avoided my eyes for a moment before gruffly snapping, "Look, I'm sorry I read your letter, alright?"

"I forgive you." I shrugged, waving it off. Frustration swept across his face at my blasé tone, knowing I wasn't moving on from my question. He remained stubbornly quiet, quickly attacking the food the moment Tira had brought plates and steaming biscuits over.

Tira sat down, brow furrowed. She'd stayed quiet too, but I guess she figured this was between Ro and me for the moment. Then again, her silent frown was directed at Elrohir, too, so maybe she was turning over in her mind the fact that he'd not answered the question yet.

"Elrohir," I said after the moment of quiet had stretched long enough. "Is it true?"

"I can't…don't ask me that question. I can't talk about it."

"Can't…" I repeated flatly. The way he'd said it… "Or _won't_?" I clarified gently.

Flashing eyes fastened on me. "And what difference does it make?"

"A lot. That word changes a lot." I looked at him earnestly. "What if I told you I _need_ to know the answer?"

"You _don't_." He growled.

I really didn't appreciate that, but I kept my voice level as I pointed out, "Says _you_."

"Yes, says me!" he snapped.

"Cut it out, Elrohir." I shot back warningly, cautioning him against acting this way, as I came to my feet. "I asked you an honest question because I _need_ an honest answer. I don't appreciate being lashed out at for no good reason except that you've got hostility issues. I'm not hungry right now," I informed Tira as I picked up the letter.

"And what if I said I needed to not talk about it?" Elrohir demanded.

"_If_ you'd said it, that would've changed things." I replied before quickly leaving the room.

I'd needed to get out of there, before I really got angry. I'd kept as civil and calm as I could, but I knew it'd be best to get out of the confrontation before I started acting just as bad as he was. So I retreated to my room and my work.


	22. 22 Elrohir

Conversations

Chapter 22 - Elrohir

We rarely fought. In fact, I think this is the first time we've _really_ had a conflict.

I stared after her, gripping the table tightly. Tried to contain myself. How could she be so infuriating and right and confrontational without being hostile? How is she able to say things that would be antagonistic coming from anyone else but she manages to do it without any malice?

"Well." Tira announced. I spared her a quick glance, not trusting what she was going to say. "That went smashingly. Are you going to go apologise?"

I tightened my lips into a thin line and pushed my chair back. "I'll talk to her when I'm ready to," I answered, coming to my feet.

As I turned to leave, she asked, "And where are you going? To go get ready?"

"I'm going," I said slowly through clenched teeth, "to take a walk and _think_."

I hurried out, barely restraining myself enough to not slam the front door behind me. I was surprised at how _angry_ I was to be fighting with Raina.

She always manages to be blunt without being vicious, but I found that this time that selfsame honesty stung. Honesty, especially Raina's honesty, was always difficult to swallow because it generally was the exact truth one wanted to avoid. The only time it wasn't truth was by user error, if she truly did not know the truth, and believed her knowledge to be correct. Unfortunately, she was seldom incorrect.

It took me a minute to realise there were other footsteps matching mine, stopping when I stopped, moving when I moved. Now, in those movies that I've watched this usually indicates something bad, cue scary, intense music…but in real life, this life, I knew it was either one of my brothers or one of the others.

Turning, I frowned to see Trelan following me at a safe distance.

"What do you want?" I snarled.

"It's always difficult to fight with yourself, isn't it."

"I have no idea what you mean."

"I mean Raina, of course."

"Not sure if you've noticed, but Raina is female, and human. I am neither. Makes it a bit difficult to fight with myself if I'm not…fighting with myself." I stopped, my own words beginning to confuse me.

"Yes, but you and she are…rather alike. Just as Tira and your brother are very alike."

"Tira and Estel? Not in the least." He only lifted an eyebrow. "Elladan?"

"Is it that strange to think about, that you are…what's the word, dating…your brother in female form?"

"Well, yeah. Very strange. A little disturbing, too."

"Either way, back to my original point; fighting with yourself is difficult."

"We aren't fighting."

"Really. Because from my angle it certainly looks like fighting."

"Well, your angle is incorrect."

"Not from where I'm standing."

"So stand somewhere else."

"Tsk, so hostile. Why do you think that is?"

"Tsk, so annoying." I countered. "Why do you think that is?"

"I think I am only annoying because you perceive me to be annoying. Now answer the question. It wasn't rhetoric, by the way."

"What if I don't want to answer the question?"

"What if I said I don't care that you don't want to answer?"

"What if _I_ said I don't care that you don't care?"

"Just answer it, Noldo."

"Oh, taking racial potshots now, are we, Sinda?"

"If the shoe fits." I hate it when he's right.

"Fine. I think I'm hostile towards Raina's truth because it strikes a nerve I'd rather not dwell on."

"See, was it that difficult?"

I scowled at the irritatingly perceptive elf.

"Believe me, I know you don't want to be fighting with Raina right now." He went on just as I felt my phone vibrate. "You should all be joining forces to figure out your brother-problems, not drawing lines of division."

"I know all about my brother's problems and he can solve them himself." I shot back.

He sighed, shaking his head. "En lamb breg hán nienor," he quoted instead and my scowl deepened at the Elven proverb about, essentially, speaking ahead of one's self.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I demanded.

He simply quirked a brow before turning and walking away. I glowered at his back for a moment before I remembered I had a text. Wishing all hell on Trelan, I opened my phone.

_**What's got you riled?**_

Couldn't he stay out of my business? Muttering imprecations to my brother's name, I pounding out a reply. _**I thought I told you to stop siphoning from me.**_

_**Really, El. Do you have to be so inimical? **_he shot back within thirty seconds.

Tapping into my brother's emotions, I could sense he was exasperated. Good. Wretch. I gave a short, bitter laugh before replying, _**Like you're not upset over there, too**_

Just when I was thinking it was so like him to not reply, I was surprised to feel my phone vibrate again.

_**Cut it out, Elrohir.**_

Cut it out? Him, telling me, to cut it out? What is it the girls like to say…ah yes; that is the pot calling the kettle black. Which, I can only assume, means one idiot telling another idiot that he is an idiot. In Dan's case, he was telling me to do the one thing he refused to stop doing; hence, idiot. Because _I_ was being an idiot, but at least I can admit it.

_**You ought to do the same. Come home and apologise to the girl, and get over your snit.**_

"_**The girl" has a name, numbskull, and I'm sure she'd appreciate being addressed as a person, not a thing.**_

_**Then perhaps you'd like to start treating her like a person instead of a monster. She's not Lano.**_

_**You know *nothing* about Lano…**_

_**I know what I know.**_

_**Exactly.**_

_**And what does that mean?**_

_**Forget it. You don't want to help with my problems, remember?**_

_**Thats not what I said**_

_**from where I am standing that is exactly what you said. want me to send your text back to you?**_

I tried to remember what text he was talking about. I hadn't said anything of the sort in this conversation, so it must've been last night. What did I say last night? I shook my head. Whatever I'd said, it hadn't been that.

_**That's not what I meant and you know it.**_

_**Isn't it? Contrary to what you may think, I'm not an idiot, El. I know a lot more than you think I do.**_

_**More about WHAT? **_I demanded._** How can you know more about anything when you are being such a…a… **_I sent the text without finishing the sentence, for lack of a proper word.

_**Why else would I be acting so if i did not know something? **_The…_gentle_ sounding text came shortly after.

I was caught off guard by it, but gritting my teeth and steeling myself, I bit back. _**Because you enjoy yanking my damn chain.**_ Wrestling with myself, my thumb hovered over the button to send it.

Viciously clamping down on my conscience, I shot the text off just to spite my better judgment, him, my life, and heck, even Eru himself for giving me _him_ as my brother.

_**The only chains that hold us down are those of our own making**_

Snarling, I changed tactics, knowing it was a low blow but angry enough to not care. _**Like the ones that "held you down" in Cabal Hall?**_

"_Damn_ _it_, Elrohir!" that familiar voice snapped.

I whipped around, only to find myself facing him as he threw his phone down and demanded furiously, "What is wrong with you?"

Eyes agog and mouth agape, I stared at my twin.

"You think I _wanted_ to just stand by and let it happen."

I faced him, muscles taut, emotions rising. Did I think that?

"Yes. Yes, I think you thought of it as a way to finally be rid of me, finally offload that annoying hanger-on. I've always gotten in your way, always been the one to follow behind. Yes. You could have…you could have at least _told them_ to stop, and you didn't. You didn't…"

I fisted my hands tightly, my body trembling, as I stood up to him, told him what had been eating at me for far too long.

"You don't _get_ how helpless I actually was. I _died_ that day, too."

"You. Helpless. Standing on your own two feet, your eyes never leaving mine. Helpless? You didn't _look_ helpless. _I_ died, _I_ was shamed, _I was ruined_. You…what did you lose?" I spat at him.

"You. I lost you, what was left of the real you, anyway. And it hurts me, even now. We…haven't been right for a long time. You were my hope, my strength, my light in the storm."

"Were, as in, past tense. So what am I now? Your trash? Your pitiful brother? Do you even see _me_?"

"You know the answer to that question doesn't matter, not really. You _know_ you're not going to hear it."

"So of course you're not even going to try." I snarled.

"I have tried. I've _been_ trying. But nothing I—"

"Stow it, Elladan. You're not the victim."

As I stared at him I wondered what he saw…wondered if it was what I was seeing. We were, after all, practically identical. Most people had difficulties telling us apart. I wondered if his face, his emotions, were a reflection of my face and my emotions.

As I watched him, accused him of playing victim to gain sympathy, something clicked…some switch flicked to the off position, some curtain was drawn.

"No. No, I am not that sort of victim, am I." His voice was so…dead. "I couldn't possibly understand…"

"No, you can't. You've never been…used…like that. Abused to the very depths of your soul, stained and torn."

He didn't say anything, but there was something I was missing. It niggled at me, poked at my consciousness, but I ignored it in favour of my anger, my resentment.

"I _hate_ you. Do you get that? _Severe dislike_." I was furious, shaking. "You've only ever taken. Take, take, take…but when I try to take back you just…it's always. About. You."

"I know. I _know_. You think I don't know? But you don't, not completely. Why else are you always trying to get my attention, trying to make me see Elrohir the person—because Valar know I _don't_ otherwise!"

I was thrown off stride by this, feverishly recalling how I'd felt that last sentiment, standing in his room, stinging from our fight over the little witch. If anything, though, the memory incited my wrath further, to think he'd somehow siphoned _that_ from me, too, the thief.

"Because it was just never _enough_ for you to be my little brother."

I clenched my teeth so hard, my molars felt as though they'd shatter. With fisted hands at my sides, I was more than ready to punch the mouth that uttered the truths of my innermost, private thoughts.

"No, you had to be something else. Being my brother isn't _good_ enough for you."

Seeing red, I finally hauled off and hit the leech, satisfied with the blood that stained his teeth from having bitten his own tongue, that spiteful little sword always nipping and biting at me. Blood trickled down his chin, too, from his busted lip, as I bunched my hands tightly in his shirt and yanked him toward me, until we were nose to nose.

"How _dare_ you," I hissed. "My thoughts, my sanctuary—you know better than to tread there uninvited. You would exploit our bond and manipulate my mind."

His hands closed around mine, trying to loosen my hold, his eyes flashing. "I did no such thing."

"Of course you didn't," I sneered, "because you're just so _perfect_. Go on and try to save face, Elladan, but I know better. One of these days, learn how to own up to your own actions. Betray me again and violate my sanctum, and I will end you." I released him, shoved him back. "And go on back to your coward's hideout, skulk and feel sorry for yourself, but don't you _dare_ show your face around here again until you've got your head on straight."

With that, I turned on my heel and stormed away.


	23. 23 Elladan

Conversations

Chapter 23 - Elladan

I stared after him, helpless and furious and devastated. Even_ patent_ honesty doesn't get through to him. It made me want to…to…_hit_ something. The first and last thing I wanted to hit was him, for being a persistent, galling wretch. I love him with every fibre of my being, I truly do, but he was _blind_ to it, and he was really infuriating me.

I spat blood and checked my teeth to see if he'd knocked any loose; thankfully, no. I glowered at his back, but refrained from chasing after him.

I was, after all, unwelcome around him. He'd become alienated and everything I did or didn't do only exacerbated it. Cursing softly, I turned away and snatched back up my discarded phone.

_**And by "on straight," I mean stop being an ass and learn how to care about someone other than yourself.**_

I growled and shoved the phone into my pocket, not bothering to reply to his potshots. I was angry, but I was also hurt, and I didn't know whether to indulge my fury or cry. The confusion then irked me more, but also viciously attacked my tremulous control.

I was trembling as I hurried away, needing to find someplace to be alone, needing to cool off and make the burning at the back of my eyes disappear.

I rounded the side of an abandoned storage building not far from the park and paced in the lot, running my hands through my hair and swearing in the heat of my agitation. Our confrontation was not a surprise to me; I _knew_ all those things that he felt. But I still couldn't believe he thought me so low as to _invade_ his mind and take his thoughts, his memories.

He believes that I do not love him, but why in the world does he think me so cold as to be _fine_ with what happened?

As I paced, it didn't help. I was only beginning to feel more desperate. I wanted to scream and cry and rage at the heavens; I wanted to see Raina and talk to her, because _she_, at least, knew I loved him. She listened and heard and did everything she could to _understand_; her charity of heart and determination to see reparation, to bring peace in a time of war…I wanted that.

Even now, her grace flooded my soul. It filled my senses when I focused on it, a soothing warmth that spread through me, all the way to my fingertips. But it only made me want to _hold_ her all the more, and my breath hitched. Sinking down against the building, I put my head in my hands.

_Eru…what was I going to do?_

"I'm so sorry," an unfamiliar voice interrupted my thoughts, cutting through the storm. My head snapped up and I stared at the girl standing a few feet away; I'd never met her. "It seemed like a pretty bitter conflict. Are you alright?"

I watched her, wondering what she was doing. I suppose she was pretty, but she had nothing on my Raina…her hair was cut much the same as Raina's, but it was not as long and it was dark brown instead of that touchable, golden blonde I swore I kept seeing glimpses of everywhere I went anymore… "I'm fine," I answered, looking away.

"You don't look fine. That was your brother, wasn't it? That was some…pretty harsh words he said."

I winced, not needing to be reminded.

She drifted closer. "You're bleeding. I live right around the corner, we can get you some Tylenol and a cold, wet washrag."

I hesitated, touching my lip. I winced again. My lip, my tongue, my head…it all hurt, didn't it? It didn't come close to the pain in my heart, the agony in my soul as I warred with Elrohir and myself…but I pushed that aside, focusing on the far less cumbersome physical ones.

I looked back up at her, turning her proposal over in my head briefly. It's not as though I had anywhere else to go to get cleaned up. I could not face Raina; that aside, though, my brother had made it abundantly clear, in that way that only he can, that I was far from wanted. To return now would incite him all the more and the girls did _not_ need to be dragged into this.

I came to my feet and nodded at her.

"Oh, well. Kay. This way." She made a _come on_ gesture and began to head down the sidewalk, the opposite direction from Raina's.

Her assessment of around the corner felt like a major understatement. The house crouched just beyond the storage unit, as though trying to use the abandoned building as a means of hiding itself. We were in one of the humbler neighbourhoods around Raina's, but the dilapidated, scrap of a home made no pretences about its locale.

The rough siding was speckled with black stains of mildew from exposure to those scant rains Texas is by no means known for; the poor paint job was peeling from the heat, its colour nearly indistinguishable. It might've been a pale green that was once charming, a decade or two ago.

The front was trashed; a long-impractical fence rambled around; the tiny porch was crowded with two chairs and a table, on which sat piles of empty beer cans and several glass bottles of stronger liqueurs—perhaps rum or vodka. The door was nondescript, and the doorbell beside was broken with its rusty, useless wires hanging out.

The house beyond, though, was surprisingly open and bright, but the faint smell of alcohol and smoke lingered in the air. The stained ceiling confirmed the tobacco habit of at least one member.

"Sorry about the mess," the girl apologised. "Jamie's not back from Peter's."

I'm sure that explanation made perfect sense to her or anyone that knows anything about her life, but it meant nothing to me so I didn't bother to reply. I glanced around as she led me deeper into the house; I listened, but I could hear no one else around. "Where are your parents?"

She shrugged. "Probably at the Watering Hole. It's a bar." She elaborated when she saw my confused look.

I worried my lip, not happy with this announcement. The improperness of the situation did not escape me, made worse by the fact that we were two total strangers. Why was I even here?

My mouth ached and I grimaced. Oh, right. Because I've been burning all my bridges.

She was about to duck down a hallway leading off what I presumed was the living room, but she pulled up short and craned her neck to look across to the back door, a sliding pane of glass in the dining room that this room opened up to. She hissed wordlessly and then glanced at me.

"Excuse me a moment." She hurried across the room and slid open the door, hollering out. "Andrew, I thought I told you to leave that fence alone!"

"It's on my property, Katie, and I'll do what I want." A disembodied, male voice retorted.

She put her hands on her hips. "It is not, and I'll call the cops if you don't stop trespassing!"

Whatever this Andrew person said after, it was too low to hear. She seemed satisfied with the answer, however, because she came back in and shut the door.

"Sorry about that. That creep can't respect boundaries. Come on, bathroom's this way." She gestured for me to follow as she headed off down the hall. She opened a door and flicked the light on.

I slunk into the doorway, trying to ignore everything that didn't feel quite right. As she reached up to open the cupboard above the sink, the hem of her shirt lifted a little and I noticed a purple and yellow shadow stretching across one hip. Frowning, I leaned closer.

"What are you doing?" She jumped back, obviously uncomfortable with my scrutiny.

"I apologise." I said to her. "I just…is that a bruise?""So what? I'm…clumsy."I frowned at that. I recognised her now, and she hadn't looked all that clumsy the other day at the bookstore in those teetery heels.

Still, I opted to be quiet as she flicked the faucet on and wet the washrag. After ringing it out, she handed it to me and I murmured a thank you. She shrugged.

"Look, you clean up. Make use of whatever you need. When you're done, come out to the kitchen and I'll get you some Tylenol."

I nodded distractedly and she left, closing the door behind her. I sighed and moved over to the sink, leaning on my hands against the counter and examining myself in the mirror. I looked horrible. There was blood on my chin. My eyes were dull and tired, lines of worry and strain marked my brow. My clothes looked, well, worn. And…I lifted a corner of my jacket and sniffed…it was fine, but I could stand for a shower.

I noticed the blood on my hand and I dropped my jacket, examining my stained fingers. I glanced at the mirror again, at my chin. Then back to my hand.

It was _my_ blood on it. But it reminded me of yesterday, George's blood on my hands. The lech had it coming to him, making advances on an unwilling girl, and particularly _my_ girl.

Raina's face suddenly filled my vision. Confusion, dismay, fear…some from George's libidinous approaches, but if I'd chosen to look deep enough, I could've seen myself reflected in that chaotic alarm, towering over her.

Another man had tried to get his hands on places he had no business coming near, and all I could feel was an inarticulate, primeval _need_ to lay claim to her. Her distress…her vulnerability…drove me crazy. I wanted to kiss her soundly, far too soundly than was appropriate.

Her gasp fills my ears. There's a rushing in my head and I remembered running away from her, leaving before I was bested by that desire that only her wordless cry had snapped me out of enough to stop.

Then her choked shout of my name… I sat down heavily on the side of the tub, staring at my hand but not really seeing it. She didn't understand, and I hadn't let her. I'd tried to…to…_snog_ her, as her people put it. That kind of unchecked passion…she wasn't ready for that. _I_ wasn't ready for that.

I couldn't think about this. My clothes clung to me in all kinds of ways that made me uncomfortable and I jumped back up. Katie had said I could use whatever I needed…that had to include the shower. Rifling through the cupboards, I found the towels and took one.

I showered quickly, using the water to mask the things I wasn't willing for others to see. I felt a little better when I got out, but it made me particularly not want to get back into the clothes I'd been wearing. I shook them out as best as I could, and when I did, something metallic dropped to the floor from my jeans.

I winced, knowing exactly what it was. I paused after cinching my belt and knelt down to pick up Raina's ring. I'd taken it from her the other night, and I don't really know why. I'd been watching her sleep, trying to wrap my head around the connection she'd…we'd…she had formed.

I'd reached out and held her hand and then I just…took it. And left.

I could've returned it, but having it on my person was comforting. Something of her, something of…my honesty. To her.

I fingered the inscription on the inside, wondering if she'd ever examined the ring close enough to notice it. It was simple, nothing concrete or fancy. Just her name, _Mírainawen_. But that name meant the world to me.

I'd heard the story from her mother about how she'd received her given name, Keliann. About how it was supposed to be pronounced differently than it was, on account of "Keli" being Hebrew. A name that meant "jewel." And she was that, _my_ jewel…the same as she had been her father's, as he'd held her and coaxed her into breathing.

To think, I'd nearly lost her long before I met her.

I snorted at that thought. I _did_ lose her long before I met her. The price of my stupidity, my impatience and weakness.

The sound of the knob suddenly turning brought me from my ruminations. Startled, I jumped to my feet and whipped around, only to come face to face with Katie.

Her eyes darted to my bare chest then back up to my face, then higher, to the ceiling as her face turned red. I caught her trying to avoid looking at me, and failing, as she stammered her apologies.

I didn't know whether to be embarrassed or amused, but since my face heated up, I guess it was decided for me. Mostly. It _was_…um, _almost_…droll, the look on her face. The slightly glazed look to her eyes was oddly…satisfying. And uncomfortable. And _why_ was she just standing there instead of _leaving_?

Remembering her low self-esteem, evidenced by her relationship with the prick who went after other girls while being with her, I wasn't sure I'd put much past her. And if she was entertaining fantasies of this turning into some kind of moment, she needed to forget that.

I snatched up my shirt and yanked it on. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, um…no…that is…"

Pulling my jacket back on, I considered that it might be time to leave. But I had to war with myself about that, as it would be horribly rude to have taken advantage of her home and then take off like this.

"I'm sorry. I forgot you were in here." She turned away. "I made lemonade, if you want to come and sit for a few minutes."

"Actually, maybe I should leave."

She glanced back and quirked a brow. "And go where? Back to your brother?"

I hid a wince, stinging at the mention of Elrohir. Damn. If she'd wanted to say just the right thing to get me to stay, that was it. Mindless wandering, lurking…there wasn't anywhere to _go_.

What would be a few more minutes?

I followed her back out to the living room, where she gestured for me to take a seat. I sat, only to be prodded by my phone. Scowling, I shifted it around until it stopped digging into me, but the damage was more than done. The last three messages I had not replied to came to mind.

Tira's "Nonsense"—I wasn't going to waste time convincing her. I had enough proof to know Ro did _not_ want to see me. It wasn't my fault she is unable to see through my brother.

Raina's pronouncement of it being too late, a message that had terrified and confused me. I couldn't bring myself to find out what she meant. Everything I'd said had only served to upset her, and I hated that feeling. The last thing I wanted to see was her going down; she's better off where she is, and I _cannot_ bring her down to my level. It's not fair to her.

Then Elrohir's follow up to his parting words. And what in the world was I supposed to say to that? "I'm sorry I'm a selfish ass and I drive you crazy"? Yeah, that'd work out.

My phone vibrated and with no small amount of dread, I pulled it out.

_**We need to talk.**_ I quirked a brow at Aragorn's message. I was about to ask him about what when he texted again. _**You know Ro's really angry. What was said that's got him so incensed?**_

Ha! More like, what was said that _didn't_ infuriate him. That'd be much easier to sum up, with a simple "nothing."

Katie returned then, holding out a glass of lemonade as she sat down. I took it and closed my phone, deciding that I'd have to reply later. It'd be impolite to be on the phone right now.

She curled up and watched me. An unpleasant sensation prickled my skin as I sincerely hoped she was _not_ ruminating on the scene in the bathroom.

"You know, I don't know your name." She announced.

I relaxed a little at her words, relieved. "Dan," I held out my hand.

She uncurled and shifted over onto the cushion beside me to grasp my hand. "Katie."

When I released her hand, her thumb caught on my ring and she leaned in, to a proximity that was less than comfortable. "That looks so authentic! Where did you get it?" she asked, toying with it. I rather wished she didn't.

"My parents."

She froze, an indecipherable, sad look flashing across her face. She glanced up at me, down to the ring, then back up at me. Her sad eyes were the very pale shade of blue that Raina's eyes are on a bright, summer's day. Like this one.

She picked up my hand, examining my ring that much more closely. She then surprisingly placed one hand up near my face and I startled, until I realised she was fingering one of my thin warrior braids.

"These are interesting…they aren't normal braids…too many twists." She had her face very close to mine and I was getting a bit uncomfortable. Without warning, she suddenly flung a leg over my lap and settled herself. It took a second of shock before I pushed her away.

Not soon enough, unfortunately…

"What is going on here?" a familiar voice snarled. "You cheating bitch!"

I looked over her shoulder as she slid away just as the man caught my gaze.

"You!"


	24. 24 Aragorn

Conversations

Chapter 24 - Aragorn

"You know you can talk to me, right?" I said as I tossed the small, hard ball up and caught it again. It was one of those stress-ball things that you can squeeze. I'd stolen it off Raina's desk when I had barged in. Yes, I'll admit it; barged. She was working, but she was also angry. And angry Raina makes for an unhappy house, so I was doing my best to fix it. That's what a good king does after all.

"For the third time, Estel, I am _trying_ to get some work done." She sighed.

"And for the third time, _Keliann_, I am trying to fix the tension in this place. It's so thick I doubt even Anduril could slice through it."

"Look, the only thing right now that needs fixing is your brothers. Go work on them for awhile and leave me be, please. I have deadlines."

I caught the ball one last time and made a face at her back.

"Don't be so childish, and leave the ball. Now go away."

I chuckled. She never missed a trick. Placing the ball on the desk I sauntered out, closing the door behind me. So, she didn't want fixing…Tira was beyond fixing, I'd given up on her long ago…Elrohir. That's who I would seek out next. And Raina was right, after all, my brothers did need fixing something fierce. I just wish I had more background to go on.

And who arrived home just in time for an Aragorn Special? That's right, Elrohir. I grinned. He stood in the living room and stared at me.

"Why do you look so pleased?" He asked me suspiciously.

"Because you're my newest project."

"I don't want to be anyone's project, thank you very much."

"Ah, but you don't have a choice." I casually looked him up and down, noticing blood on his knuckles. "Oh, tsk. You've been fighting."

"Really. Well, thank you for informing me, I was unsure of what I'd been up to."

"No need to be facetious. So what happened?"

"Obviously, you said it yourself. I was fighting."

I sent a measured look in his direction. I may be human, but I am not stupid. He was trying to deflect my questions with inane comments on things already said. I'd been a son, brother, husband, king and father; none of those tricks worked on me anymore.

"Fine," He ground the words out as if they were painful to him. "I had an altercation with the elf that resembles me in looks."

"So, you had a fight with Elladan." I nodded. "And I assume some ugly words were traded back and forth."

"No, we had a fight about what to serve for tea."

"My, you are hostile today."

"Ask him, he started it. Look, if you want a project, go find him. I am not a project. I'm fine, it's that _idiot_ that needs fixing, not me."

I raised a single eyebrow. Didn't need fixing, hmm? That was definitely a debatable statement.

"And don't go all _king_ on me, either. You're my _little_ brother, not my sovereign lord." He spat out and pushed by me. Well.

Taking out my phone, I thought for a moment, then sent a message off to Elladan. After hitting send, I put the phone away and then looked up at the ceiling. "I didn't _want_ to be king, you know. Why do they always use that against me?"

"Because you let them, and it's an easy insult." The reply came, to my surprise. Looking around, I noticed Trelan of all people standing in the door with a grin.

"You are too quiet. We ought to put a bell around your neck." I made a face at him.

"Where's the fun in that?" He laughed. "Raina around?"

"Yes, but she's _working_. She has _deadlines_." I intoned gravely.

"Like that's ever stopped me." His eyes glinted with amusement. I didn't really want to know what he was up to, and it turned out that I wouldn't find out until later anyway, for my phone rang at that time. Fishing it out, it was a local number but not one I recognised, which made me curious. I hit the button and held the phone up to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Aragorn?" I tried to place the voice. "This is Chris, Keli—er, Raina's sister."

Ah. "Yes, what can I do for you?"

"This is probably going to be one of the craziest things you've ever heard…" Yeah, just try me. "But my little sister, Nina, her birthday's coming up soon, and we're doing something a little out of ordinary. Ever heard of square dancing?"

"I've heard of it." I'd seen enough TV, after all. There was this one show Raina watches from time to time called _The Suite Life on Deck_ and one episode had square dancing in it. Crazy dancing, that.

"Would you be the caller?"

"What?" I nearly dropped the phone.

"You know, the person who…tells people what to do next. In the square dance."

I also remembered the manager character all excited to be the caller, as calling had been on his bucket list. He'd been ridiculous. No way was I doing something so asinine. Even in good fun…cameras would come out, I'd be the laughing stock of my friends and brothers, who would never let me live it down.

"No."

"What?" She sounded surprised.

"Absolutely not. Find some other victim."

She laughed. "But it's her twelfth birthday and it'd be awesome for her to have a king as the caller."

"Are you kidding, Chris? Look, I know enough about you, I get it. Laid-back, cheerful, et cetera, and to you this is all just a big joke, hilarious. But the answer is still no."

"But a _king_. Kings are like…_the_ go-to people."

"I didn't want to be king then, and I won't play king now." I growled. "No."

"Nina adores you, you know. You'll break her heart."

"She barely knows me. None of you know me."

"I'm your friend on facebook. I know you."

"Seriously? Facebook? You're using that as an argument?"

"What if we got your brothers out there?"

I snorted, amused at the thought. They'd need partners, though, and… "Raina wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole. It's so hick."

"Oh yes Raina would. It's all in good fun and it's family."

"Correction, then, _my brothers_ wouldn't do it. For several reasons, including that they're currently not on speaking terms with each other."

"They don't need to _speak_ to each other to dance. I mean, really."

"Not happening."

"So happening."

"So not happening."

"What if I got the prince to do it? Would you join in then?"

I held back an amused snort. There was no way Legolas would be caught dead _square dancing_. He despised big get-togethers, anyway. "I doubt you'll get him to do it."

"Ah, a challenge."

"Call it what you will."

"Why aren't they speaking to each other? I thought they were…really close."

I snorted. Really close, indeed…really close to creaming each other, if Elrohir's attitude had anything to say for it. "They are close." I finally answered. "They're just…out of sorts right now. Can't agree on what to serve for tea, you know."

"Serve for tea?"

"Well, you know, everyone has bad days." I hedged. There was no need to go speaking of family problems willy-nilly, after all. No matter if she was another one who knew so much about us.

"Yeah, well, Nina's birthday is still a couple weeks off. A lot can change in that time."

"And a lot can't. They're elves. These things take longer. Tea spats, that is."

"I see. So…I'll just pencil you in here with my indelible pen…"

"You will not pencil me in anywhere."

"Even in my sketchbook?"

"Especially in your sketchbook. Have you seen some of those drawings of me? I shudder…no, no. No pencilling of me anywhere, particularly in sketchbooks and in day planners for parties."

"Day planners are so last century."

"Be that as it may, in any book of any kind, for any reason, you may not pencil me in. I will be…very busy that day. Elsewhere; _not_ calling."

"Right, right. You'll be _busy_. I'll just ask Keliann about your oh-so-busy schedule, because you know she'll be here."

"And Keliann is _not_ my keeper." I sniffed. "I am the king, not her.""I thought you said you weren't going to play king."

I sighed. I really hate it when my own words come back to bite me. "I'm not doing it, and that's that. Now, good day." I hung up and let out another sigh, this one relieved.

Relieved, that is, until the phone rang again.

Growling, I picked up. "Now what do you want? No, I will _not_ be the caller at your sister's birthday party."

"I don't even want to know."

Shocked, I nearly dropped the phone again. "Dan?"

He sighed. "I need…help."

I snorted. Understatement, century. "I'll say."

"_Listen_, Ar—Adrar. I don't have long."

I withheld yet another sigh. Why me? Was it the king thing? Everyone expected so much. "What's up? Where are you? Are those…sirens in the background?"

"Yes…" The word came slowly, tentatively. "I'm at the…Euless Police Department."

I paled. "I…see."

"Look, I don't have long…I mean, it's George. He and I…well, can you come? Please?"

"Of course…let me just get Raina and—"

"No! No, just…don't tell Raina. Please."

"But if this George guy attacked you, she can help. I mean, she can bring charges…"

"No, I don't want her anywhere near him."

I heard a deep voice say, "One more minute, Mr. Knight," and knew we had to resolve this _now_.

"Look…I'll be there. Just…don't say anything stupid, okay?" He didn't reply and there was a confusion of noise in the background. "Dan?" I pressed.

Then, almost distractedly, he mumbled, "Thank you."

"Brother?"

"Yes, _thank you_. I have to go."

Hanging up, I made a quick decision. Elladan didn't want Raina to have to face that prick, but I needed her. There was no choice, not really. I'd have to tell her.

Mind decided, I headed down to her room. Hearing her laughing at something Trey was saying, I wished I didn't have to deliver this news. I gave a quick knock, but didn't wait for an answer before I pushed in.

"Bad news." I said. "Dan's in jail."

Silence as two pairs of eyes stared at me.

"What?" Raina breathed, horrified, incredulous. "Why?"

"Way to be subtle, Strider." Trelan shook his head. "You call yourself a king? There's this thing called diplomacy. Learn it."

I ignored Trey and focused on Raina. "I don't have details, he only had a minute to tell me where he was. It…it has to do with George. I need your help on this, Keliann."

"Great." She muttered. "I don't even want to know what he's done to the cad now." She looked a little…pale.

"Knowing my brother…" I winced. Yeah, we all had real cause to be concerned.

"Well," she took a deep breath. "I suppose we'd best just go and get this over with. Where's Tira and Elrohir?"

"Elrohir is…" I hesitated. What should I say? "Unhappy about the tea time snacks Elladan chose."

"What?" She gave me a befuddled look.

"Nothing." I waved it off. "I don't know, he got all pissy at me and stomped off. I assume wherever he is, Tira is."

She shook her head. "In that case, we'd better not interrupt. I really don't want to find out how he'd react."

I sighed. It was sad, it hurt, to hear that said about Elrohir, but I knew it was all too true.

She took out a pad from a desk drawer and scribbled out a quick note, which she left in a prominent spot on the dining room table before the three of us hurried out to her car.


	25. 25 Trelan

Conversations

Chapter 25 - Trelan

The last thing I wanted to do was bail the idiot out. If he was stupid enough to land himself in jail in the first place, he could just learn to own up to his actions. He had a lot to answer for, a lot to own up to, and he might as well start somewhere.

Raina was right, though. It wasn't exactly the highlight of one's day to have to find out what he had done to George to get arrested; I knew what he was capable of and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about the legal complications we could be facing in the near future.

I even have good reason to suspect it was he who killed my cousin. Granted, I'd never brought it up with him, but the fact that I could even have those suspicions says a lot about what I know of his hotheaded temperament and the lengths he can easily -albeit accidentally, on occasion- go to in order to protect those he loves. And in the end, Lano had been a threat to not only him, but his family and his home.

Speaking of those he loves…maybe it was a good thing he'll be behind bars when I see him. There wasn't much more he was willing to do for those he loved than I'd be willing to do for Raina. What the twins were doing to her, to Tira…it wasn't fair to them. It wasn't _right_.

Maybe the jail time would give him some space, some time to get his head on straight. But somehow I doubted it.

When we entered the station proper and approached the desk, I hid a grin when Aragorn introduced himself as Adrar Knight, the name Tira had chosen for his ID. "I'm here for Dan Knight." He said, injecting both concern and disgust into his tone, prompting me to hide a second smile.

The desk officer sighed, shifted a few papers around, spoke into an intercom, and then told us to go wait on a bench. Not even a minute later a different officer came out of a door to the left of the glass-enclosed desk area and approached us. Introducing himself as Officer Leland Greene, I smothered a chuckle, as that was a name Legolas had tried to convince Tira to give him (not that she listened).

"Mr. Knight, I presume?" he addressed Aragorn.

"Yes, sir. This is Keliann, my brother's girlfriend, and Trey, a close family friend." He introduced us briefly, then became very focused. "What is my brother in for, sir?"

"He could be facing some very hefty charges, actually. Not the least of which is assault."

I could read on Raina's face that she didn't want to hear this; she wanted the story from Dan, for him to speak for himself.

"Excuse me." I stepped forward, shooting a look at Aragorn. "While you discuss all this with Officer Greene, do you think we could see him?"

"Of course. Officer Maxwell will take you back." He turned to another officer, instructing her to escort us to "Mr. Knight in Cell 8."

Raina shot me a grateful look and I briefly clasped her shoulder as Officer Maxwell led the way to the cell block; we followed her in silence. The actual block had rows of cells, no more than twelve by twelve, if even, and held some of the sorriest looking people you've ever seen; the eclectic group were there for any number of reasons, some not so very hard to guess judging by the comments (or outright catcalls) I overheard made about Raina.

I gritted my teeth and tried to ignore them, wishing we could just be out of there.

He was in a cell towards the back, with only two other people. Drunkards, probably, unless they were strung out on drugs and that is why they were, shall we say, trying to eat each other's faces; the reason doesn't matter, but the end result was their inappropriate behaviour on the bench bolted to the wall and him on the floor near the bars.

"Mr. Knight, visitors."

He lifted his head and I saw him clearly startle, a frown settling on his face, as he saw Raina beside me.

"I told Ar-Adrar _not_ to tell her. What is she doing here?" He hissed in Sindarin.

"Don't act that way, and why do you _think_ she's here?" I shot back.

"Because you all insist on involving her in things that can _hurt_ her!" He ground out angrily. I sighed.

"And you think you don't hurt her by leaving her clueless?" I glanced at her, noting her frustration as she failed to follow our conversation. Switching to English, I glared at him. "Don't be a jackass, Dan."

"I didn't ask for your advice, nitwit." He refrained from switching.

Valar, his hostility was familiar. "And you can quit acting like Elrohir—"

"Leave that idiot out of this."

Raina put a hand on my arm, able to detect the tension in our conversation, even if, once again, she couldn't follow it. Shooting a gimlet look at Elladan, she tried to be patient. "What happened, Dan?"

He looked away and pretended like he didn't hear her.

I couldn't believe him. Just couldn't. Some nerve he had. She'd come here to help him; she was enduring the stares, the comments, and for what? Hadn't he put her through enough without treating her like this, now? "Answer her!" I growled.

Speaking of comments…a particularly loud drunk in the cell over made an explicit one, and Elladan gave a jerk, whipping back around.

"Trey, get her _out_ of here!"

He still wasn't speaking English, but it seemed Raina had understood this last. She stepped closer and gripped the bars, staring down at him. "I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what happened."

Unexpectedly stripped of this barrier between them, he floundered, and it absolutely disgusted me. Hiding behind a _language_. What other kinds of stupid things would he use next?

He looked away from her. "It was an unfortunate series of harmless decisions." He announced, in English, in a measured tone of voice that said he was absolved of all guilt.

"Like it was with Lano?" I snapped, in Sindarin still.

He jumped to his feet, a motion that was not as fluidly executed as it normally would be, and stepped closer to the bars. "Don't bring that up," he spat.

"I'll bring up whatever I want; you have a lot to answer for."

"This isn't any of your business; you weren't there, you don't know anything."

"Well, look who's here." The slick voice interrupted our face-off.

Elladan gripped the bars tightly, his eyes narrowing at the person in the cell behind me and Raina. Raina blew out a heavy, agitated breath and I glanced back to see George lounging against the bars and leering at her; his eyes wandered far too much, the cad, and Dan uttered an inarticulate sound, between a choke and a growl.

Smug and vindictive, the spoiled brat knew he was hitting a nerve and knew that there wasn't anything any of us could do that wouldn't have immediate legal consequences.

"Keliann…I want you to leave." Elladan finally addressed her. She looked at him, slowly shaking her head, and anger darkened his face. "_Now_."

"No." She faced him. "I have to help your brother figure this mess out, so I need to know what happened."

"I don't want to tell you. It's—"

"That he's cheated on you, that's what."

"Shut _up_, George!" He barked. Then he caught sight of Raina's face, the incredulity and incomprehension. "No, Raina, it's not…that wasn't… Damn it," he swore, running his hands over his face. "Raina, I did _not_ intend to hurt you."

What was that supposed to mean? I narrowed my eyes at him, not inclined to trust him very much at the moment.

"Your _intentions_ were pretty clear when you got _comfortable_ with Katie in the first place."

He shook his head. "No, see, it wasn't like that…she was on my lap…I mean, she sat on my lap…oh, no…not…I mean…" He became more desperate the more the confusion and hurt on her face built up. "I was _going_ to leave, I swear, but I'd showered and she'd walked in on…oh, Valar, no." He pulled back, throwing his hands up to his head and turning away.

"So then he makes a move on _my_ girl," George spat, virulent anger twisting his face.

Elladan shook his head in frantic denial, closing his eyes and putting his hands over his ears.

"And what does he do, but _not_ control himself with another man's woman?"

"Oh, no, no…don't, don't…" Dan moaned softly, pleading.

"Your sexual needs aren't Katie's business to be meeting, bastard, so stay away from her, and never touch her again."

Raina rounded on the cad, thoroughly fed-up, and snapped, "Oh, like you have any room to be talking, George!" She glanced at Dan's back, then casting me a flustered look, she threw her hands up helplessly and quickly left. There were tears in her eyes.

I whipped back around on _his_ cell. "Now see what you did." I growled, gesturing after Raina.

He didn't even bother. "I don't need to _see_!" he snapped, without turning around.

"Oh, I suppose you'll just _sense_ it then," I snarled sarcastically, but I could see I'd struck a nerve. I paled, gasping, "Oh Valar, you can't be serious." He didn't answer, just closed his eyes again and sighed. Gripping the bars tightly, I demanded, "When? How?"

Belligerence flashed across his face and he turned on me, his eyes snapping wildfire. "I don't have to answer to you, Trey."

"Oh yes, you do." How I wished I could get closer and throttle him. "I swear, Dan, if you've _touched_ her…"

He was back at the bars in a flash, gripping them tightly and so close, there was only space enough for those bars between us. "How dare you," he hissed. "Where do you get off accusing me like that?"

"I have good _reason_ to," I shot back.

He was gritting his teeth, staring balefully at me, but after a moment, the blood drained from his face and he pushed roughly back, looking a little unsteady. He shook his head, shell-shocked, then steeled himself again and turned away.

"You think you know everything, Trelan. That's your problem. Think you've got—"

"Excuse me, Mr. Woods?" Officer Maxwell's voice interrupted, calling me by the name on the ID card I had had to show her to get in here.

I started, not realising anyone had drawn near, and I winced, as we'd automatically switched to Sindarin the moment Raina stormed away.

"Your visiting time is up."

I gave her a curt nod and glanced back at Dan.

His pale face watched me, a cross between anger, resentment, and uncertainty written across it. He shook his head and sighed before turning away again and slumping dejectedly onto the end of the bench. I let out a derisive noise and shook my head, turning to follow Officer Maxwell off the block.

"Raina's out in the car." Aragorn informed me when I returned to the main area. He looked concerned and very unhappy. "I'll be out soon, I've just got to…" He gestured behind me and I nodded.

If he wanted to waste his time with his brother, he was welcome to it. Far be it from me to stand in his way. Officer Greene escorted him back and I headed straight outside.

She was blasting a song I recalled was known as "Field of Innocence," a haunting refrain about the loss of one's innocence to the knowledge of the evils of the world.

"_Where has my heart gone? Trapped in the eyes of a stranger…oh, I…I want to go back to believing in everything."_

She remained quiet until the end of the song, when she sat forward and pressed pause on her iPod, where she had it docked. "I just don't understand it." She sighed. Then, glancing over at me, she asked softly, "Do you think he really did?"

I hesitated, considering. It was hard to know what to think. "I think…he needs to be the one to tell you what may, or may not, have happened."

"I just don't see why."

"Does _any_ man need a concrete reason to?"

She shot me a look. "I don't think I…truly believe he would."

_Good for you._ I didn't know what I believed anymore; I just knew that Elladan had implicated himself and it spoke volumes.

She ran her hands over her face, stress pouring off her. "But I can't get him to talk to me. All I get is a constant string of _I-don't-want-to-hurt-you_'s and _I'm-sorry_'s."

I sighed, knowing exactly why, too, but there was only so much I could tell her. As I'd said before, he had a lot to answer for, and it had to all come directly from him.

"Then again, maybe it's just all wishful thinking. What was he doing—wherever it was he was with her? I don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to believe it. But…"

"He sure didn't want George saying anything," I pointed out, regretting that it'd come to this.

She sighed heavily, putting her elbows on the steering wheel and leaning her head into her hands.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I don't know what she was thinking of, or debating, or whatever she was doing, but I was recalling things from the past I'd thought I'd gotten over long ago. The worst part was, I couldn't _say_ any of this to her, because then I'd be telling her things _he_ should have been telling. It was one of Tira's despised catch-22s.

I saw Strider come out of the building and head for us, and jostled Raina's shoulder to alert her. His face was grim, but he was not in any sort of hurry, really. When he got to the car he went around to the side Raina was sitting and spoke to her directly.

Before the window was all the way down, he was already demanding she go back inside and talk to the blond officer in charge of Dan's case. "Look, I know you probably want to go home right now, but Dan needs help and you're the only one who can make a difference. You have to go talk to Officer Greene."

"I don't know, Estel. I'll come down here tomorrow and—"

He opened her door and knelt down beside her, turning her toward him. "Listen to me, Raina. Some of the charges levied against him _are_ legitimate, he readily confirmed that to me, but I know George is making things worse. You can bring charges against the cad, get them to open an investigation, and prove that Dan acted in your best interest, looking out for you. It doesn't clear him of everything, but it's a start."

She sighed, moving to get out of the car. I reached out and grabbed her arm. "Raina, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

Aragorn shot me a look. "I didn't say she—"

"Then quit insisting she go in there _right now_."

He was taken aback for a moment, then scowled. "The sooner this is over with, the sooner we can get down to the _real_ problems, such as why he ran away in the first place."

"He ran away because he's a loose coward."

Before he could retort, Raina's quiet voice interrupted. "Stop it, you two." She glanced between us briefly, then gestured to him. "Excuse me, Aragorn."

He moved, letting her get out, and I did likewise. As she walked off, he slammed her door and glared at me over the top of the car. "What issue do you have with my brother?"

I leaned against the car and scowled back. "He hurt her."

"He's hurting." Aragorn countered my argument with his own.

"And are his feelings more important than hers then?"

"Not at all. But if we can't all work together to decipher what he _is_ saying, we'll never know the detail of what he _isn't_. And yes, feelings will be hurt during this process."

"I…I have reason to believe…" I swallowed hard. "I have reason to believe they are bonded."

"Tell me you're joking?" Strider's eyebrow went up.

"No…at least, I don't think so."

"And why do you think this?"

"Something he said…or, really, didn't say."

He frowned thoughtfully, but his ruminations were interrupted. Reaching into his pocket, he withdrew his phone and opened it, surprise filtering across his expression again.

"And here I thought he didn't care…" he muttered sarcastically.

"Who?"

He glanced up. "Elrohir. He wants to know, and I quote, 'why is our idiot brother behind bars?'"

"So tell him."

"Oh, I will. But he's been so hostile towards Elladan, maybe I'll just let him fret about it for a little first." He paused. "Speaking of hostilities, do you happen to know what went down between them?"

"Why would I?"

"You followed Elrohir, didn't you?"

"I left him being all hostile. Didn't see Dan at all."

He sighed, frustrated. "Well he did at some point. They fought; physically, I mean. Verbally, too, I'd presume. I just…" Trailing off, he reached into his pocket again and pulled out _another_ phone.

I raised a brow. "And whose is that?"

"Whose do you think? My 'idiot' brother's. They don't let you have any personal effects in there; he had to release everything to me. Not that he had much."

Something in the way he said… "What else did he have?"

"About what you'd expect, and…Raina's ring."

"Raina's ring, as in…"

"The one he gave her."

"Why?"

"Do I have my brother's mind?" He shot back, implying that he was not in Elladan's head.

I sighed. "So what are you going to do with that?" I nodded at the phone.

"Attempt to get in his head."

"Easier said than done," I muttered, but he was already thumbing through the phone.

"I'd say the place to start would be messages."

"About as good a place as any."

"Really, Trey." He shot me a look at my unconcern. "_You_ could be a little less hostile. I've a hunch that helping Dan and Ro will help Dan and Raina, and don't you want things to be better for Raina?"

I glared at him, debating answering with a negative, but knew that would be untruthful to my real feelings. Of course I wanted to help Raina…and if helping her meant helping him, I supposed I would just have to suck it up and deal.

He nodded, satisfied, and went back to Elladan's texts and began reading. Immediately, his eyebrows shot up and he read and reread something on the screen, before looking up at me, confusion sketching across his face.

"What's…Cabal Hall?"

I froze. "Why…why ask me? How should I know?"

I cursed silently as Strider tilted his head and scrutinized me. "So you _do_ know about Cabal Hall. That means it has something to do with your cousin, what's-her-face."

"Eglanóleth."

"Ah, yes. Her." He paused, considering. "But I've never heard of this Cabal Hall. Where was it?"

"It was located north of Rivendell. And there's a reason why you've never heard of it."

"But what happened there? What is Elrohir referring to?"

"Since I don't know what was said, there's really not any way I'd know that, now is there?"

He gestured me over impatiently. "See? Elladan made a comment about the chains that hold them down are of their own making and Elrohir shot back, like the ones that -quote- held you down in Cabal Hall?" He looked up at me as I glanced at the indicated text. "Do you have any idea?"

I narrowed my eyes and took the phone from him to see the text in its proper context for myself.

The most recent one was from Elrohir, telling Elladan to stop being an ass and learn to care for someone other than himself, a text I couldn't help but entirely agree with the younger twin on. However, it was the two just before it that were the ones Aragorn was questioning.

_**The only chains that hold us down are those of our own making**_

_**Like the ones that "held you down" in Cabal Hall?**_

I paused and looked further back.

_**Why else would I be acting so if i did not know something?**_ from Elladan, to which Elrohir had replied, _**Because you enjoy yanking my damn chain.**_ That was followed by Dan's comment about their self-made chains. I frowned, considering.

"And that." Estel muttered. "See there? What is it they are discussing, this something Elladan knows? It seems to have gotten Ro flustered, see his demand of 'more about what' and just before that, Elladan saying that he knows more than Ro thinks he does…what's all that _mean_?"

But I wasn't focused on those; I'd scrolled even further back…

_**Then perhaps you'd like to start treating her like a person instead of a monster. She's not Lano.**_

_**You know *nothing* about Lano…**_

_**I know what I know.**_

_**Exactly.**_

_**And what does that mean?**_

_**Forget it. You don't want to help with my problems, remember?**_

Valar…Elrohir didn't know.


	26. 26 Tira

Conversations

Chapter 26 - Tira

I had just finished cleaning up the abandoned breakfast and resulting dishes and was settling down for a nice cup of tea when Elrohir literally stomped into the kitchen and threw himself into a chair. I could feel the anger and confusion, even outside of the bond, as it was pouring off him. Sitting back I toyed with the little tag on my teabag while watching him in bemusement.

"What?" He growled at me.

"Oh, I don't know." I repressed a chuckle. "Maybe you could tell me what's got you all riled?"

"You're just as bad as Dan, always taking from me."

I raised an eyebrow at that. "Yes, because this whole bond thing is completely my fault."

He heaved a sigh and attempted to look contrite. He failed, but I let it slide. "I'm sorry. It's just, well…"

"Yeah, yeah. Dan. Tell you what, let's go for a walk."

"What about your tea?"

"Not hard to warm it up later." I shrugged. "_Allons-y_."

Just in case he harboured ideas of running away, once we were outside I slipped my hand into his and set a slow pace.

"So, tell me what's up?"

"Nothing."

"Amazing thing, that nothing. Creates the most _intriguing_ reactions in people."

He scowled at me. "It's _nothing_."

"Obviously. That's why you're all angry and broody. Cause it's _nothing_."

He sighed. "Okay, so it's something."

"See, I knew it. Nothing is always something, and something creates even better reactions than nothing."

We walked along in silence after that for a few minutes. Finally I spoke again.

"So, this something…I can assume, from your earlier comment, that it has something to do with yours and Dan's bond?"

"Kind of. But not." He hesitated.

"Well, it is or it isn't. I don't really see how it could be both."

"It's hard to explain, but it's definitely both." He shrugged.

I remained quiet as I tried to form my next question in a better way. I was looking for answers, and he _would_ give them to me one way or another.

"Look, relationships are about truth, yeah? So, tell me the truth; what is really going on with you and Dan?"

He pulled on my hand to stop me from moving forward and manoeuvred me into facing him. Grabbing my other hand, he held them both and just searched my face, though for what I couldn't begin to fathom.

"Elladan…Elladan and I haven't been right for a long, long time. Even…well, even when you girls first came to us, all those years ago, we weren't right. Things have only gotten worse."

I nodded, accepting this. It wasn't particularly an answer so much as a reason, but it was a start.

"So…" I turned away. "Why haven't you been right? For that matter, when did it begin going wrong?"

"Well, the worst of it…the worst of it happened about the time of that…girl…I mentioned before."

I took this in. The worst of it, he said, meaning that it was not the beginning. So where was the beginning, and why was that girl the worst? And if she was the worst, where did that put us now? Cause it certainly wasn't a picnic, not from where I was standing.

"That is…rather contradictory." I shrugged. "If she was the worst, then how is it things have become worse?"

He paused, pulling me to a stop again. "Did I say things were worse?"

"Uhh…yeah."

"Oh. Well." He bit at his lip. "What I meant was…er…"

"What you meant was you don't really want to tell me anything, so you're just going to lead me in circles, yes? You don't _trust_ me." I accused.

"I could say the same about you." He replied calmly.

"Yes, and we're not talking about me, we're talking about you and Dan. I don't like seeing my _sister_ so lost and hurt. The way I see it, this is the fault of your brother."

"Yes, well…it is his fault." He surprised me with this heated admission. "It's his fault for a lot of things. But I love him."

He sounded so…lost, but also sounded as if he was realising something for the first time in a long time.

"I want…I want to help him, I think. But…he hurt me, too."

I wasn't particularly surprised by his admission of being hurt. I knew there had to be something wrong, and that made as much sense as any other. I just wish I knew _how_ he'd been hurt, and why this was Elladan's fault. I had the feeling, though, that this was something that would take more finesse. I frowned. I so did not want to take the naughty storybook route of using my feminine wiles…it just didn't seem right.

"I don't…understand how he hurt you." I tried the direct approach. I didn't really think it would work, but it was better than nothing.

"He abandoned me when I needed him most." Ro shrugged. "And that hurt me. But obviously, I survived. We survived."

"Obviously." I replied dryly. "And yet, you've obviously also never forgiven him. So when and why and how did he abandon you?"

"I don't see the importance of you knowing that. It has nothing to do with why he is avoiding Raina."

I rolled my eyes and threw my hands up. This was getting us nowhere. Turning around I started back in the direction of Raina's house. He was starting to tick me off, probably much in the way he and Elladan kept making each other angry. I could hear him trailing along behind me, but I was mad enough I didn't care if he came or not.

Just before I reached the house, he must have put on a bit of extra speed to catch up to me, for he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me to a stop, spinning me once more to face him.

"Look, I don't get why you're so angry."

I stared at him. Seriously? He ran me around in circles, refused to give any actual answers other than rephrasing things he'd already said, but expected me to help him. Umm, no. No, it doesn't work like that. But he wondered why I was angry.

"Gee, I wonder." I replied dryly.

He frowned at me. "Don't be giving me any of that slippery non-answer women stuff."

I laughed. Me, give non-answers? That was rich. "Pot meet kettle."

"I beg your pardon?" He looked positively affronted.

"You heard me. I can give as good as I get. You give non-answers, I give non-answers. It's a two way street, love. Get used to it."

"That is completely unfair."

"And whomever said life was fair was taking some good drugs."

He stared at me, and I stared right back, not giving an inch. He really ought to have learned by now, I don't give up until I get what I want, like a dog with a bone. In this case, I wanted proper answers, preferably in outline format with bullets, complete with thesis and conclusion.

Finally he blew out a sigh and looked away. "Fine, you want answers?"

"Yes, yes I do. How nice of you to offer."

"Here's an answer for you," he ground out, "we fought. You know that much, but it was about more than her; we also fought about our time together, our time apart. But when I voiced my concerns all he could say to me was '_we're not attached at the hip, El. Leave me alone'. _I just…that hurt me. You have _no clue_ how it feels to be pushed away by the one person that is supposed to love you best."

I broke free of his loose grip on my shoulders. That wasn't really an answer, just like everything before wasn't really an answer. Not to mention, he had no clue himself what I did or did not know or feel on such a subject; he'd never asked, for one thing. Not about that. Granted, I knew I was rather close-mouthed about my past, too, but that was different. Mostly.

I wasn't ready for anyone to know. I wasn't ready to dive that deep. But the twins…it had spilled over, it was no longer a matter of them not wanting, or not being ready, because by bonding with me, with us (I had my suspicions about Dan and Raina), they had caused it to be our problem, too. It was now affecting all of us, by Elladan's actions, and now all of us had a cause to dig deep and air out all that dirty laundry.

Shaking my head I backed away. _The person that is supposed to love you best_. His words kept echoing in my head. His words, to me, that made it seem like Elladan was the only one who could love him, have feelings for him. What did that make me? Limburger? Turning around I ran towards the house and inside. I wanted to discuss this with Raina, get her take on it, rage about it. Everything.

I went to her room first, but she wasn't there. Gritting my teeth I went into the dining room, to see if she'd left a note or anything, and as luck would have it found one sitting on the table, hastily scrawled, letting us know that Elladan had gotten his stupid butt arrested.

Grabbing the note up, I stomped back outside to confront Ro, tossing the scrap of paper at him.

"See?! See what you and your stupid brother have gotten us all into by refusing to talk? He's gone and gotten his dumbness arrested. Now, if y'all had just sat down and told us what was bothering you, none of this would have happened, but no. No, instead we've got to be all mysterious and evasive and…and…hurtful. Bloody morons. Both of you."

I stared at him, hands on my hips, waiting for his reaction, his answer. He slowly inched forward, crouching down to pick up the note. I tapped my toe impatiently. He gazed up at me, looking a little bit contrite, but not enough to appease my fire and brimstone anger. Along with the glimmer of contriteness lay an underlying fear, a bit of shock.

He glanced back at the note, then to me once more.

"What…why?"

"How am I supposed to know?" I shot at him. "I was with you, remember? For all the good it's done me. I'm not a damn psychic!"

He let out a slight chuckle and shook his head, but the look of fear, the feeling of it, didn't dissipate. He pulled out his phone and started sending out texts. I watched him, arms _still_ akimbo, foot still tapping away.

"Well?"

"Well what?" He looked back to me.

Throwing my hands up, I let out a noisy breath. "What, he says. What do you _think_? Bloody moron. don't know _why_ I put up with any of you."

He stared at me, confusion etched on his features.

"I really have no idea of what you want me to say, since I don't know what you are referring to."

"I'm referring to _us_, you great galoot."

"What about us?"

"Really? That's it? For the love of all things chocolate, Elrohir, try to keep up with current events. If you haven't figured out, I'm rather upset and hurt about the fact that you can't trust me."

"Well, you've as much as admitted you don't trust me."

"Yes, well, when I'm ready, I'll tell you. Right now, it's not your business. But this, this stupidity between you and Elladan, you _made_ it our business. When you came here, to be with us, you made it so. Bonding with me, you made it mine."

"The reverse could be said, as well."

"But we are _not_ talking about me, right now. My past as it stands has nothing to do with you and Elladan repressing whatever memories and feelings and whatever else, has nothing to do with Elladan constantly running away from Raina, from you, has nothing to do with you running from him. My past has no bearing on the current situation. When it does, you'll know."

"And what if that's not good enough? Not acceptable? What if I think your past _does_ have bearing?"

"Then you'd be wrong."

"But how do you know that?"

"Because it's my past!"

"Exactly!"

"Exactly what? Exactly, your past isn't important to this situation? Because I think Raina would beg to differ."

"I'm not following your illogical logic."

"I don't see what's so illogical about it. Elladan is at odds with something from your shared past, and you are at odds with something he did in that past, and because of this you are both pushing the people who matter away, and yet begging for help in rectifying it. My past, on the other hand, is not pushing you away. It is not making you and your brother fight. My past is not me running away from you. Your past, though, _is_ all of that."

"I still don't see the connection."

I stared at him. "You have the common sense of a gnat."

"I beg pardon?"

"Pardon not given. Figure it out, gnat."

"You are spiteful today, aren't you."

"Well, gee. I wonder _why_."

"So do I."

"Look…no, you know what? I don't care. Whatever. Do what you will. I'll find something out sooner or later, somehow."

He was wearing one of his infuriating masks, the ones that refused to betray what he was thinking. He had even repressed his feelings from me, which infuriated me even more. He wanted to be an idiot? Let him. I had other sources to work from.

I pushed by him, purposely whacking his shoulder even though there was more than enough room, and stomped angrily down the sidewalk. I didn't care if he followed, but if he did I would likely beat him up. I didn't even make it a quarter mile before a car pulled up next to me.

"Tira, where are you going?" Raina's gentle voice asked from the open window.

"I don't know. To the store."

"Without your purse?"

I paused, thinking about that. "Precisely."

"Why didn't you drive?"

"Because I didn't have my purse." I nodded.

"Get in."

"Are you going home?"

"Yes."

"Then no."

"Why not?"

"Because _that elf_ is being an infuriatingly bloody moronic idiot."

"I see. Get in anyway."

"No. I need to go talk to Elladan."

"You can't." Aragorn finally spoke up. "No more visitors today."

I stomped my foot. "Well, flapjacks."

I practically threw my wrist out of joint swinging the door open so hard, but I slid in. I hunched in the backseat, glaring at everything outside the window until we pulled into the drive. Elrohir was nowhere to be seen.

"Come on. Tea and conversation, just you and me." Raina offered.

"As you wish." I grumped.

We headed into the kitchen, and Raina firmly told the guys to go elsewhere, and I barely noticed that they didn't argue or hesitate as they went their separate ways. I slammed the teapot into the sink and began filling it with water, having decided my previous cup was not worth salvaging. I heard Raina come in and begin rummaging around, looking for her favourite tea.

"So," she said. "Did you get my note?"


	27. 27 Elrohir

Conversations

Chapter 27 - Elrohir

She didn't understand. She couldn't. She just kept claiming the door had to swing both ways, but only so long as everything came from me, my side. Where was the two ways about that? If her past held no significance, then mine didn't; she couldn't have her cake and eat it, too.

Then again, I knew that our separate pasts both held bearing, regardless of what relevancy either of us ascribed to our own. We are not separate anymore; all that is hers, is mine, and all that is mine, is hers—our respective pasts included.

This conflict with what is and what isn't kept me at odds with her, and myself. I didn't know how to reconcile these opposites warring in my mind.

"You are not here." The soft voice interrupted my inner confusion. "You're much conflicted."

Turning, I smiled. "Nana."

She smiled back as I hugged her. "You didn't seem inclined to come inside of your own accord." She referenced the fact that I'd been pacing outside for…oh, Valar knew how long; long enough that she'd taken it upon herself to come to me.

I glanced over her shoulder, to the house, but I wasn't sure what I was searching for. And yet, I noted I didn't see my father, for all that Naneth had espied me. "I was going to, I just…" I hedged.

Why hadn't I gone in already?

She cupped my face and made me look at her. Eyebrows rising pointedly, she stated, "My little one has never been afraid to voice his thoughts, share his mind."

I sighed, uncertain as to how to reply to that. She was right, I had never been afraid to speak to her or Ada about anything, and yet now, today, I was at a loss.

"Time changes many things and some characteristics that should not have been mislaid were lost."

Startled, I turned to see Ada approaching from the path that lead from the thoroughfare, that is, the main road that rambled through these sprawling lands.

Naneth uttered a soft, sad noise and when I looked back at her, I was pained to see the sheer _sorrow_ on her face as she watched Ada. There was much, I knew, that passed between them that I couldn't understand. "Caladrinnoant nin…" she murmured my brother's nickname, one she had called him since she first held him and seen his path, or so the story had been related to us.

I wondered what she was thinking, but as much as I could have resented the focus being on my twin, deep down inside I knew she merely worried for him, seeing as she did whatever insights she and Ada saw in me. Much of the history she had missed had not been related to her yet; Elladan and I…we'd…shielded? Mother from our problems when we were here.

She wasn't unaware of the changes; she just didn't know details.

Uncomfortable, I wondered if this had been a mistake. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt my mother. Father knew and I'd come for his guidance, but Naneth… Who was I fooling? I wanted the guidance and insight of _both_ of my parents, my father's wisdom and my mother's intuition.

But was I willing to give them anything to work with? Saying I was, could I even do so?

Naneth looked to me. "There is a tea laid out for us in the east garden, my child. Let us retreat to the privacy there and we can talk."

I hesitated.

She touched my cheek, redirecting my attention to her once again. "Ngellfaer…" There it was, _my_ nickname and I felt so far from the happy child she had named thus, the joy of her soul. Anyway, that joy hadn't exactly done her much good, now had it?

"If you will not share your thoughts, how can we help you?"

I gazed at my mother, noting the sadness in her eyes, and I wished I could make my tongue work, make the words come. I had come here for a reason, but now I found I couldn't even tell them.

"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you cannot utter," I heard Ada's voice as he drew closer, but I didn't look away from my mother.

She watched me and I wondered what she read in me. Of my parents, she had always understood Elladan better; Ada understood him, but Nana…she always just…_got_ him. The things he said, the things he meant. When even my own ability failed me, Nana had been my means to bridging the gap between my brother and I, as Ada had been Elladan's.

I love my mother, but I guess I'd always been…closer…to my father; he got me better than anyone, except Elladan…or, at least, Elladan used to.

So you'd think between the two of them, I'd be able to solve all my problems with Elladan.

"Tea it is." I forced a smile and offered my arm to Naneth.

We strolled down the way in silence before she asked, "What is on your mind, my little one?"

"Can we…can we just _be_ together and not talk, not about anything specific? Just be?" I asked softly.

"Of course." Father replied quietly. "Sometimes just being together is all the conversation a heart needs."

Naneth slipped her free hand into my own and squeezed; I soaked in the company, their attention, and didn't feel the need to speak, or find adequate words, even as we settled at the garden table and Naneth poured tea for us all.

"How are the girls, my son?" Ada broke the silence at last as he sat back and nursed his cup.

I set my own back down, restlessly bouncing my knee. I wondered how to answer his question, as there were so many things I could say. To be saying everything was fine would be a lie, and he would see right through it. But to say things weren't fine would be opening a whole new door.

"I'm not sure." I finally settled to answer.

"You see them everyday, do you not?" Nana asked, one graceful eyebrow arching.

"Well, yes." I hedged. "I mean…Tira is…okay. She and I…we're okay."

I glanced sidelong at Ada, noting the look of knowing disbelief on his face.

"I see. And Raina?" He asked me. I knew he was reading me like a book, but the fact that he didn't call me out on it was reassuring.

"She's been…good, but…not." A brow creeped upwards, inquiry enough. "That is…" I tried to explain, but thinking about it upset me. What my brother was doing to her…I scowled. "Elladan's being stupid with her."

Naneth made a soft noise. "What is he doing?"

"Acting like an idiot."

She frowned. "That hardly seems—"

I didn't want to hear it. I slammed my hand down on the table. "Being an _ass_." I stood abruptly.

Ada sat forward. "Elrohir—"

"No. She doesn't deserve it. She…she deserves _better_! And he treats her like—like—"

"Like he loves her too much and it terrifies him." Ada finished.

I snarled. "Don't play that card. Loves too much, cares too much, feels too much—what the hell does that even _mean_?" I threw up my hands, whirled around and began pacing. "All she's trying to do is help him and how does he respond? Pushes her away, blocks her out, runs off, disappears, gets himself arrested!"

Naneth gasped. "He what?"

Ada stood up, approaching as I froze, realising what I'd said.

"Um, I mean…" I looked around frantically for an escape route, though I wasn't sure why I felt the need to run. "He…I don't really know why, mind, as I haven't had the chance to talk to him about it…"

Ada stood before me, arms crossed and waiting silently.

"Okay, I haven't tried to talk to him." I admitted. It's the eyebrow, I swear. It holds some sort of beguilement that makes you spill your guts.

"Then therein would lie a lot of your problems, El." Naneth observed quietly.

I looked at her, quirking a brow.

She stood, slowly explaining. "Would you prefer to be judged or spoken to? Yelled at…or spoken to? Fought with or…?"

"Spoken to," I whispered softly at her prompting, looking down; for the first time in a long time, I felt an echo of contrition, some long lost part of myself I'd forgotten about. I felt like a child, in many ways, reprimanded—but with love, not condemnation.

"Consider then that your brother is no different." Ada encouraged.

I knew they were right. Valar, they were…irrefutable. But there was some part of me, that competitive, stubborn spirit, that didn't want to let it go. "But he…"

"But he what?" Nana asked gently. "Did he rebuff any attempts made by you? Did he bear arms against you? Sometimes these matters of the heart may feel as arrows, but often times they are naught but feathers. The trick is to know which is the arrow and which the feather."

I looked to my father, seeing the confirmation of my mother's words in his eyes. And in the face of his steadfast gaze, I lost any fight I might have had for the last word.

I sighed. "I don't _know_ anymore."

Ada smiled soulfully then, one of those looks that was so hard to read, to know what he was thinking. "Maybe it could be enough that you want to."

I…didn't know how to respond to that. Did I want to? I knew I wanted to help him…Valar, despite everything, all that he had done, all he'd made me feel…I still wanted to help. But was I willing to do whatever it would take? I wasn't sure anymore; once I had been and it'd cost me dearly, and it hadn't gained me anything. Elladan had…but I don't want to think about that.

"Come sit, ion-nin." Nana gestured to my seat, smiling softly. "You said you had but only a wish for company; we can speak no more of any of this, if you like."

"I think…I think I'd like to talk about something else." It'd been so long since I'd had time with my parents like this. There was much I couldn't discuss with them, but I yearned for…_something_.

"Wonderful." Nana smiled prettily. "So, other than this…upset, how is Raina doing?"

"I suppose she's doing pretty well, all told. We've sparred a few times, keeping in practice, you know."

"How nice of you. And the other one, Tira?"

"She's…good. Her business is doing well. We're on vacation visiting Raina in Texas."

"I should like to meet them."

I paused, considering that. "I would like that a lot, actually." I glanced up at her and she smiled again.

"And Elladan, has he…" Ada seemed to be choosing his words carefully. "Made up his mind?"

"Made up his mind about what?"

"Marrying the girl, of course." Naneth answered.

"Well, I don't…know." I frowned. "He's said nothing to me about that. It hasn't even been a year. Elladan's hotheaded and impatient, but he also…does not move fast on his feelings." Except when it comes to running away…and Lano. "At least, not with Raina. I don't know that he's really thought much about it." I shrugged. Granted, he and I hadn't really been on talking terms, at least recently, which may have been why I didn't particularly know, but I didn't think that needed mentioning again.

"Hasn't really thought that much about it…" Nana murmured, eyes glittering mischievously. "With the way he's taken with the girl, he'd best, how do I say, do more than think about it soon."

"I doubt he's in any kind of rush. Raina may attract attention, but she has eyes for only him." I shrugged again, but Naneth just smiled coyly into her cup and I pondered her words, wondering at what was going through her mind.

Things grew quiet and I fiddled with my napkin, trying to decipher the sly looks my parents were giving each other. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.

"Alright, what is this about?"

"About how it's about time our boys settled down and got procreative."

"Procreative?" I felt the blood drain from my face to my toes. "As in…?"

"Well, we're not getting any younger. Your sister provided us with several grandchildren already, and yet her older brothers can't even settle?"

Naneth had an innocent but diabolical look on her face. And Ada had the temerity to laugh! I sat back, disgruntled. So much for him being on my side.

"Seriously, Elrohir." Ada gave me a stern look. "If I recall certain actions, some words here and there, that happened some time ago when some certain girls came to visit…"

"I don't have a clue with what you're talking about." I said in a rather strangled voice.

"Oh, I think you do. A particular little redhead…"

"What? I…but…uh…"

"I believe you even told me you'd face banishment for this little redhead's sake."

"I, um…Can we go back to Elladan?"

"No, no, this is interesting. Banishment? Truly?" Naneth leaned forward.

"Banishment, among other things." Another voice interjected.

I turned, only to see a grinning Glorfindel leaning against a tree not so far away, looking for all the world like an amused hunter waiting for the perfect moment to snag his unwary prey.

"Is this a private party?"

"Yes, yes it is." I nodded fervently.

"Oh, but why? Banishment and other things for love is _such_ wonderful tea conversation."

"Oh, do tell me more, Glorfindel."

"No!" I pleaded.

"I believe he went so far as to even kiss the girl."

I blushed. "No, that is…I…"

"And _then_ told me he'd _gladly_ face exile for her, were I to send her away." Ada elaborated helpfully.

I glared at him, but I'm sure the effect was quite ruined. I could only be beet red.

"_Exile_." Naneth's tone sounded…well, I had no clue how it sounded. I was just beyond embarrassed. "It must be true love, then. So what are you waiting for?"

"I'm not waiting for anything."

"Then you've already proposed?"

"What?"

"Simple, boy," Glorfindel grinned at me. "If you aren't waiting for anything, then you've obviously already decided to marry the girl. I'm not sure what sort of ring you could offer, though, seeing as she makes jewellery."

"You could ask your brother to make something." Ada put in.

I gave him a searching look.

"Yes, I know of the ring he made her the summer we were stuck there."

"But I haven't decided to marry her!" I wailed.

"Well she won't stick around forever."

"I know! I—that is—we're—I thought Elladan was the one who was supposed to be doing that!"

"Oh, he'll get his own. He's made the poor girl wait long enough without any, shall we say, _understanding_. But we're quite discussing Elrohir, not Elladan." Naneth grinned. "Unless, of course, you've suddenly remembered something interesting about Elladan, such as, yes, your brother is planning to ask the girl sometime soon. And what is this about a ring he made her?"

She'd latched on to this and I was quite happy to do everything I could to encourage this interest; anything to shift the attention away from myself.

"Oh, yes, well, it was quite pretty. He used Tira's supplies, made her a ring for her birthday."

"How sweet. I'm sure if you asked he could design something stunning for you to give Tira." How had we gotten back to me?

"But…I don't need a ring for Tira."

"Oh, so you already have one? Let's see it." Glorfindel was still grinning.

"Well, no. But I'm also not asking her to marry me."

"Well, really." Naneth sniffed. "That's rather rude. From what your father and Glorfindel say she's quite devoted to you."

"Your mother is right." Ada said sternly. "Playing with the girl's heart is intolerable. You'd best get serious sooner rather than later."

"I'm not playing with her heart! I'm…I'm—" What was I doing? "I _am_ serious about her! I just…" I just what? Didn't want to face the facts?

"You just…? Oh, I know, you must not know how to ask. Well, ask Aragorn, He did a pretty good job of it." Glorfindel and his annoying, diabolical grin was making me itchy.

"No! I'm just—I'm just not _ready_!" I exploded. "I'm not ready! She's not ready! And Dan is—is—"

"Not ready?" Ada finished. "By _not ready_, you mean _not healed_. You're holding on to all of your yesterdays, Elrohir, and you will be losing your future."

_How_ did he always manage to do that? Always somehow finagle the truth from me?

I wasn't sure how to answer this statement. After a few false starts I finally just said what I felt. "Maybe that's because those yesterdays were _good_."

"No, you let go of those ones a long time ago."

I looked down, blinking back tears. No…no, he was mistaken. I hadn't. I hadn't forgotten the good things…had I? I heard Nana draw in a sharp, tearful breath and I viciously clamped down on a sob.

"Stop it," I whispered to the tablecloth. "Just…just stop it. I'm not…I'm not _bad_!"

"Elrohir, I did not—"

I pushed back from the table, standing up, stumbled back. "I'm not a bad person! I'm _not_!" I yelled, my voice cracking with tears even as they began to burn down my face despite my best efforts _not_ to cry. "I'm not a bad person, I'm not." I moaned, sinking to my knees.

This was not…not how this was supposed to go. Damn it. Where was my control? The air here, the atmosphere, this _place_—it just…you couldn't lie, you couldn't _hide_.

My father's hand touched my shoulder as he knelt beside me. "Ion nin…rochon polodren nin…you should not waste fresh tears on what you should let be old griefs."

I bit back a sob and swiped at my face. "I can't do this," I whispered softly.

Shaking his hand off I stood up, my legs wobbly, my heart hurting. Glancing around at the others -my mother, my mentor- I stumbled back. The understanding, the love, that was written on their faces was too much.

"I'm sorry…I…have to go."

When I returned to Raina's, my conscience burned enough that I knew what to do. I hesitated, though, not quite willing to go inside, to run the risk of running into anyone else. However, fortune must have been on my side today, for as I strolled through the yard, I found her in the back, curled up in one of the yard chairs under the sunshade.

Again, I hesitated, watching Raina as she worked. Loose papers and a red pencil before her, she pored over the draft of some commission. Perhaps this was a bad time, but she'd always felt there was no time like the present to do what we ought…in this case, I ought to apologise.

As if sensing this thought, she glanced up at me. It was hard to read her expression, but there was surprise and…something else. Forbearance?

"Yes?" she asked, glancing back at her papers and making a mark. I remained silent, but after she'd finished that note, she looked up once more, waiting.

I took a deep breath. Just say it…

"I...I know I was...rude...I just want to say...well, I'm sorry."

She nodded. "And I forgive you."

I sighed, wondering why I'd been holding my breath in the first place. Then I shook my head, incredulous. "Don't you ever think you're…too easy to placate?"

She tilted her head slightly, then shook it. "If you think you've placated me, there you would be wrong. I forgive you because I choose to."

"Why?"

"Because I determined years ago to…have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts." She paused, looking away, speaking a little softer. "Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but -I hope- into a better shape."

I didn't know how to respond to that; I just eyed her, trying to read the play of…something…on her face. I couldn't tell what it was and it…bothered me. Something about it upset me and I wished I could put my finger on it.

But the moment passed and she looked at me again. "Charles Dickens wrote that." She shrugged, standing up. "Furthermore, I determined to cease from anger and forsake wrath, to not fret myself in any wise to do evil."

I reflected on that. "And that would be why it's so hard to rile you?"

"No." She answered slowly, smiling slightly. "You can anger me easily, push the right buttons. Now, if you mean, angry enough to lose my cool? Well, there you would be right. I think it's what we do in our anger that matters, so I do what I can to make sure I, at least, do not find myself getting to that breaking point."

I nodded, glancing away. Well, it made sense.

"So?" She asked, coming closer.

"What?"

"Are you going to answer the question?"

"What question?"

"The question, as in, the one that caused the problem in the first place. About how it destroys a person for Elladan to let them in. About how it…destroyed you."

"That's…that's not what was said."

She frowned at me. "He said you could tell me how destructive it is."

"No…I…that isn't…" He'd also told her that it can kill and I desperately did not want to talk about this subject. And why did she think he meant that such harm befell those he let in, not the other way around?

Her shoulders slumped. "You really aren't going to tell me, are you?"

I didn't answer, couldn't answer. She shook her head and passed by me, heading back inside. The last thing I wanted to do was upset her, but…

I grabbed her arm and she glanced back at me. "I'm sorry."

She sighed heavily, not looking at me, and again, it was so hard to read her. Then she glanced up, shrugged, and walked away.


	28. 28 Elladan

Conversations

Chapter 28 - Elladan

He liked the sound of his own voice too much; gloating and taunting and exuding his foul mind with monologues worthy of his ilk. He'd been at it for hours, on and off, but now, with the lights out and the other restless prisoners finally settling down, or out cold already in the case of most drunks, his relentless, verbal battery of obscenities and slurs had come out full force.

"Not surprised you strayed and all…pretty boy like you, probably don't like girls…she was a front, I'm sure."

I shifted slightly and rubbed at my face tiredly, wincing as I touched dried blood. Unfortunately, one of the intoxicated lumps I shared this cell with had been rather…_insistent_ about me, much to my increasing horror, joining her and her partner in…indecent acts. The commotion had finally brought an officer to our cell, one I vaguely recognised from the procedures of being booked into jail, and she'd called the whore by name and finally gotten them both to leave me alone, to my relief.

The _hungry_ looks didn't completely stop, though, and I felt dirty and alone, a feeling far too reminiscent of…things better left forgotten.

"Surprised you didn't join in there…they were willing, I'm sure if you'd just loosened up a bit…"

I winced again, not needing to be reminded, wishing that he'd just _shut up_.

I tried to block him out, mentally exhausted from the day. But I felt drained and weak, and I couldn't quite ignore him as much as I wanted to. All his words kept grating around in my mind, slowly sinking in and driving me crazy.

He must be a night owl. Didn't he tire? What about his stupid voice?

"But Keliann…now, she's a real looker. I mean, if you're going to go against your inner…_homo_…I can see why you'd choose her."

Arda! Doesn't he ever quiet? My lip curled slightly, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of a reaction to his slights.

My reasons for choosing her were beyond his comprehension and frankly none of his business. I closed my eyes, but her face filled my sight and I snapped them open again, my heart jerking around.

"Oh, and that little blond. He was a looker, kinda cute. He your special buddy? I'll bet he is. And what was with the long hair? All of you have long _girly_ hair. What is it, you all think you're girls? Ah, you're not _gay_, you're _lesbian_."

He accused me of these things and _he_ was the one who called Trelan _cute_? I almost laughed at that idiocy. Comments like that would really cost him, were Trelan here to confront the numbskull.

I rolled my eyes in the dark. The more he spoke, the more he proved his lack of intelligence.

"The other one, your brother, right? Oh, I know what you get up to. Now that, that's more than a sin, that's against the law…unless, of course, you're from one of those creepy mountain clans that have two-headed kids and such…oooh, such a nasty life you lead, _Daniel_."

Case in point. That wasn't even my name, the dunderhead. And when it came to nasty lives…he had the corner on the market there, of the two of us.

I felt my stomach gurgle, distracting me momentarily. I hadn't been hungry for the jail food they'd served; in fact, I didn't really have any appetite…but surprisingly, I still found myself craving pasta, and I'd realised with a lonely startle that I was picking up on Raina's or Elrohir's hunger.

Valar, I missed them…

"And then, of course, I'm sure that you only came after my girl because Keliann found out and was disgusted…maybe you were trying to get her back? I mean, she's like religious or something…and homosexuality is forbidden or whatever by that God dude. Or something."

I gritted my teeth and clamped down on my desire for solitude, because it only made enduring this, George's idiocy, worse. Raina, religious? "God dude"? What was he, completely ignorant as well as stupid? And what was with his obsession with…homosexuality, was it?

Elo, anything to distract me at this point would be welcome. My eyes strayed to the bars, the cold metal taunting me. My breath hitched at the sight and I tried to stifle the claustrophobic panic closing around my lungs.

"But when you've got one as pretty as that, I guess you do anything to hold on to her. Some major eye candy there; I mean, she's got an engaging personality, but those curves in all the right places, those legs…"

I clenched my hands, fighting for control over my breathing, both from the claustrophobia and because I was being unwillingly forced to consider Raina in that manner; every desirable part about her body that…of course I _noticed_, but I didn't…didn't think of like _that_, didn't spend my time _fantasizing_ about… I felt heat flood me and I was thankful it was dark, that helping to mask my red face.

"That innocent, naive little girl begging for a good time. Excites ya, huh? Gets your heart rate up, your blood pumping…but she's a real tease, ain't she?"

_Oh, shut up, you despicable bounder. Shut up._

"Gets you fired up and won't deliver the goods; turns you on and then plays the innocent, virtuous girl, setting boundaries and all that crap. But you know, everyone's got a price…"

Something finally snapped. "She's not a harlot, George!" I spat, whipping toward him. "And if you don't start addressing her with the respect she deserves, I _will_ flay you within an inch of your life."

"Oh, now you're threatening, eh? We take that real seriously over here, in _civilized_ circles. And I'll talk about that _hussy_ however I like…" I wanted to smash that infuriating grin clean off his face.

I trembled with rage. "She is _not_ a hussy," I hissed.

"Of course she is. A hypocritical, teasing _pussy_. Why else did you go after Katie? Have to get release somewhere, since taking care of your business yourself is so _lonely_."

"George," I ground out. "I do not care about any of your sexual woes. Got it? Stop projecting your issues onto me. Not everyone is like you. Now leave me _alone_."

He snorted. "But why? No one should be left alone; I'm a kind soul." His voice had turned patronizing and _I_ snorted, practically choking on how rich that was coming from him, the lowly lout that he is. "After all, even _Keliann_ has left you."

I closed my eyes and leaned back, curling up tighter into my corner, focusing on _her_ to block _him_ out. _Gone_…what did he know? She _was_ here, but not…at least, not in a sense he'd understand and not even in the way I obviously longed for. Separated but never truly apart…my soul had accepted hers, but the war waging within my own and hers crying out for mine…I hurt.

He muttered to himself for a minute or two, but since I wouldn't reply, I guess he'd finally decided to settle down for the night. I retreated to my own thoughts, but there was no comfort to be had inside such sanctuary.

Is this what I was doomed to, then? This constant ache for something I couldn't allow myself to have; this desire for her that never quieted, that thrived on our bond…thrived and grew and compounded every need she'd broken open inside of me.

That I could close my eyes and she'd feel close, so close I could touch her…and the very longing to just be near her flooded my fingertips, stills the air within me. I question my sanity more and more, and despite my best efforts, I'm clinging to her all the more tightly; and I hurt so much, it's as though my soul itself is punishing me for denying the call of her own for me, my presence, my…my what? My agreement to stay? To be hers?

I am hers. I can't _deny_ that reality. She would not be one with my soul if it were not so…and though I can't be _with_ her, can't she see the truth behind all this?

I don't know why I desire her so much, but I do. I want her to be mine in more than just our whispered words, those chaste kisses. How I wanted to hold her close and share another one with her, right now; followed by a deeper, sounder one than any we've had, then another.

It's a prospect that terrifies me. But I can't help it, and there's a part of me that doesn't want to. I just want her to know. Were she to know what I feel, though, meant that she'd have to know my past, know the shadows that blanket my soul, and I can't let her in that far. I can't let my shadows at her.

For all that I _know_ all this, it seems to change nothing. She longs for me and I for her, and it's so easy to tell her everything within my head, though she can't hear, can't respond. She can't _know_ that way.

From each burning touch to every desired kiss, everything I want from her and how I feel about her…to let her know my desires, my fears, everything about her that so fascinates me…I wish she could hear all of it…that she could just _know_ these thoughts anyway, for to say them aloud, to tell her, to allow her to know—it is all beyond my abilities.

She steals the very breath from my lungs, the words from my throat. Even now, away from her but aware of her, thinking of her, there's a tightness in my chest I can't overcome.

Valar, the nights are so long away from her.

Long, indeed. I'd uncurled stiffly as light began to seep into these bitter cells, but it wasn't because I'd woken from a deep sleep. Mine had been sparse and troubled, my ravaged mind plagued by nightmares in the dark and the bondage and the cold, creeping loneliness.

It was not the first time I've woken to the sight of bars. It certainly wasn't the first time, either, that I'd woken from nightmares in a cold sweat, terrified and disorientated and completely alone, longing for comfort, for someone…for my brother, or even Raina now.

But neither were here, not even my brother in spirit, in soul. He still remained stiffly removed, though I suppose I can't really blame him. I'd been allowing barely anything to get through and since yesterday's confrontation, I dare not risk even the slightest slip-up in my barriers. No amount of hurt or confusion or night terrors…Elrohir could know none.

I couldn't risk it.

Still, every sharp rebuff yesterday to my cautious probes stung and left me reeling…and each time I'd woken last night, I hurt too much to dare to hurt more at the discovery of another rejection.

So here I was, alone and closed off and closed off from, tired and hurting. Every nightmare clung to the edges of my mind and I had no interest in breakfast, and my stomach sent up only a weak protest.

These four walls were driving me crazy. These iron bars, this bondage…if the panic didn't do me in first, the boredom surely would.

Or the hungover deadbeats I shared this cramped space with. The slut kept watching me, eyeing me and it was like…like…like being _raped_ by her eyes. And when she shifted closer to me and practically purred, "Are you sure you—" I didn't waste time.

"Leave me _alone_," I snarled.

"My, my. Somebody's grouchy in the mornings."

Or maybe his obnoxious voice would do it first.

"Shut up, George!" I snapped, sending him such a searing look, he actually did just that.

The next couple of hours passed by without much incident. Without drug and/or alcohol in their systems, most of the other prisoners were far less reckless and much more quiet. Still, those that uttered careless phrases, things they didn't entirely mean for me to hear, a dark glare seemed to silence them.

My personal demonic orator didn't always get the message, though. A few well-articulated snarls did the trick, for handfuls of minutes at a time; still, every comment he made tightened an imaginary noose about his neck, dug that proverbial grave of his a little deeper. And I swear, if I have to hear one more lascivious comment about Raina, it'll prove to be far more satisfying to wring the lout's neck than learn how it feels to slake the strange desires those wanton thoughts stirred up.

The time dragged on, with the occasional fresh drunk being brought in off the street, wasted from their Friday night out. Two more people were tossed into my cell, another girl and boy; children, mere _children_.

The girls struck an immediate liking with one another and not for the first time since our new cellmates had been thrown in with us, the girls were now casting me covert looks, huddling together and whispering, giggling.

My skin prickled uncomfortably with the looks they were giving me, and they traded a few comments too loud. One such was made again now and my face heated up when I heard it. I bit back a growl, shooting them a harsh glare. Weren't they both too young for this? The new one certainly was; Valar, she looked three or four years _younger_ than Raina!

Finally, a new voice interrupted my vile morning.

"Mr. Knight, visitor."

My lip curled slightly and I didn't bother to look up. "Athelich…" I growled.

"Why, I had no idea I'd been here already."

Oh, no. I groaned at that voice. "What are you doing here?"

"Making your life miserable." Came the cheerful reply.

"There's nothing you can do that will make this morning any worse."

"Oh, now, I'm sure I could think of something."

"You do that. And in the meantime, you can leave me alone."

"Nah, there's no fun in that. Speaking of fun, I hear you had a fight with your brother."

There was a low, appreciative whistle from behind Tira and I glared at George, but he just grinned that stupid, leering grin of his. "So Keliann's the front and what's she? Your frequent fling? And fighting with your brother, well, well. Doesn't that just help _my_ case."

Eyes flashing with that familiar light, I inwardly cringed and rejoiced as Tira straightened and slowly turned.

That appreciative gleam in his eye only intensified as he continued to _ogle_ Tira. "You have quite the…eclectic taste, Daniel."

"Oh, I'll give you _eclectic taste_." She said, and I could just picture the predatory grin on her face. Ah, I hadn't been looking forward to having a conversation with Tira, but if she could put George in his place, it might be worth it.

"See, Dan is my brother. Well, he will be someday, once I convince _his_ brother that we're getting married. I have a plan, but I'm not going to tell _you_ that. Either way, since I'm fully convinced that Dan will be marrying my sister, that is, Raina, he essentially is my brother. And none of your protests, Elladan."

My mouth snapped shut and I scowled, glaring at her back. Since when was it any of _her_ business, my marrying Raina or not?

"Anyway, so I'm going to marry his brother, and he's going to marry Raina. You, you're not going to marry anyone, because you're a lech, and you're not all that good looking. I'll betcha you're small anyway, if you know what I mean. Not that I want to find out. That's just nasty, like you. _Anyway_, did I already say that? Yes, I did. So, let's recap; Dan is in a relationship with my sister. I am in a relationship with his brother. My sister doesn't like you, but she does like him. Most of the time. He's a bit secretive, and a lot boring, but hey, she likes that sort of thing."

I frowned at her, but decided to just try to ignore her. Perhaps she'd run out all of her steam on George and leave me be.

"You, on the other hand, you need to shut your pretty boy mouth, and turn your pretty boy head, and stop eyeballing me with those pretty boy eyes, before I find a way to make it all not so pretty. I always get my way. Always."

To my displeasure, she tossed her head with a 'hmph' and turned back to me.

"No, don't speak." She said to me, leaning against the bars. "See, you're an idiot. El is an idiot, too, but you're definitely one. I also care about you -and if you say a damn thing, Mr. Hiel, I _will_ hurt you- and we all want to help you. _I_ want to help you. But I can't help you if you won't help yourself."

"Did you come here just to give me a speech?" I demanded, but was distracted by the lech's wandering eyes. Thrice warned and it still didn't get through his thick skull. I glared at him.

"As a matter of fact, I didn't, actually. I came here to find out what God-awful, damned thing you did to Elrohir that hurt him so badly."

That got my attention. I looked up at her, frowning. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, well, where to begin?" She tapped her lips with a finger. "Let's see, he says you abandoned him, hurt him egregiously, insulted your bond. Any of this sounding familiar?"

My blood ran cold as I suspected what she was referring to, what he'd told her. No, no. This was one of my deepest regrets and I didn't need Tira shoving it in my face. She didn't know enough, but she knew too much.

"Well, if how pale you just got is any indication, I'd say that yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about. So, care to give your side of the story? Tell me more of what happened? Heaven knows it's hard enough to get two sentences out of him about it."

"I suppose…" I licked my dry lips. "I suppose he also told you this is all my fault."

She didn't look too surprised, but something did flash over her face. "Actually yes, yes he did."

"Then what's the point of telling you anything? You're going to side with him and his every word."

Her look grew obstinate and stony. "Not in the least. What, you think just because I'm going to marry the guy I can't see his faults? I asked for _your_ side to the story. That means I want to know -wait for it- _your side of the story_."

I snorted. Sees his faults, right. And her texts the other night were, what? Seeing his faults? She thinks she sees the divisions widening between Elrohir and I, thinks she knows what lives in his mind. She has guesses at this point; a few lucky guesses. And Elrohir…Elrohir wasn't going to tell her anything that did anything but make _me_ look bad, but not enough to let on to his deeper issues. Issues he wouldn't acknowledge and let go of, issues he wouldn't let me prove wrong.

"Since I don't really know what he told you, I don't know what to tell you." I finally answered.

"I'll tell you what he told me; he told me nothing. He _hinted_. He said, and I quote, that you abandoned him when he needed you most. He said that you brushed him off when he tried to talk about it. There you go; that's what he said. Now, what do _you_ have to say about it?"

"I didn't…I did _not_ brush him off when he tried to talk about my…my so-called _abandonment_ of him." He'd told her that? Really? I fought back the press of hot, hurt tears. "Sure, I…I wronged him, alright? I did. But I didn't…I didn't do that." Oh Valar, I wouldn't cry. Not here, not in front of _these_ people.

Viciously, I stamped the savage pain that had exploded in my chest down deep into places that were hard to get to, so I didn't have to feel this…didn't do _this_, break down in front of people. I closed my eyes and breathed shakily, harshly yanking myself back into control and forcing the hot choke of tears threatening to suffocate me back, down, away.

I would. Not. Cry.

Having sufficiently pounded all that hurt, that emotion, back down into its cage, burying it a little deeper, I came to my feet and looked at her.

She was…watching…me. I found it a little _creepy_, to use a favourite of Estel's. Her head slowly tilted to the side as she eyed me like I was a fly under a glass.

"I see. So which one of you is lying? And how many stories have been crossed, and squashed, and confused to breed this weird mish-mash of double resentment?"

"I don't know what you mean. But I do know his crazy notions have gone too far this time. Because I did _not_ do what he's told you I did."

"So you're saying he lied to me."

"What do you think?" I shot back. What, did _she_, too, honestly think I'd be so cold? "Do you actually think he really _trusts_ you?"

Her face fell almost imperceptibly and even with my keen hearing I had to strain to catch what she said.

"No, he doesn't. I know he doesn't."

I wasn't sure if I'd heard her right, so I continued with my rant. I shook my head, tapping my chest hard for emphasis. "He doesn't trust _me_ with the truth. He doesn't even trust _himself_ with it."

She looked so…hurt. Crushed. She started to turn away.

"Tira." I whispered hoarsely, hurting to see her so, and she paused for a moment, glancing back at me. "I'm sorry. I tried to warn you."

The familiar Tira suddenly appeared as she lifted her head high and gave a sniff. "Oh, well, you know. Once burned, twice shy, all that sort of stuff. Warnings aren't for risk takers. Besides, you're always about doom and gloom. Why should I listen to that nonsense?"

I reined in my impatience at her bluff, her brushing it off. "I've seen enough to know, Tira, that life isn't pretty. It's not all blue skies and fairy-tales."

She quirked a brow, putting her hands on her hips. "And Raina's seen a lot of life, too. Probably a heck of a lot more than any of us would even _think_ she has. Yet her message continues to always be hope. So nyah!" She stuck her tongue out before executing a sharp turn.

"If you don't leave me and my family alone, you lecherous lout, you'll find your nasty butt in court and we _will_ win." She warned George before storming out.

"You have quite the way with girls," he muttered to me and I groaned, sinking to the floor. Where was an aspirin when you needed one?


	29. 29 Raina

Conversations

Chapter 29 - Raina

I stared at him, incredulous. "So what are you saying?"

Frustration flashed briefly across his face. "Nothing."

Yeah, right. "Okay, sure." I shrugged, turning away. "I guess I'll just have to take your word for it, but it really does feel like you're lying to me." I tried to be honest, yet tactful.

He sighed. "I'm not lying, Raina. It's nothing because it…has to be nothing."

I paused and faced him again. That was a sentiment I know I'd voiced before. But somehow, it coming from Elrohir just didn't…fit. At least, not this time. Besides, that was _my_ sentiment, so it quite effectively set off alarm bells in my mind rather than changing it.

"Well, maybe I want to treat it as something. I've been there, so I get it." I shrugged. "But also because I've been there, I know how much we may have to make it nothing when all _we_ need is for it _not_ to be."

Elrohir's lips pressed into a thin line. "I don't want to fight with you, Raina," he finally said. "I don't want to fight with you and I don't want to talk about it."

"Then you can't hold it against other people, them not being there for you, not helping you. Most especially when they're ready, willing, and you won't _let_ them."

He threw up his hands and turned away. Then, growling softly, he ran his hands through his hair, over his face. "What do you want me to say?" he demanded and the sentiment was so eerily reminiscent of his brother I couldn't reply. "No, alright? No, I haven't seen Elladan, I haven't spoken to him, and quite frankly I…won't."

"Won't?" I queried, confused.

"No, he's…he's been inexcusable and I won't deal with him until he apologises."

He'd been tiptoeing around the issue all day. The thing is, I wasn't _unaware_ of what had happened. I had ears and I wasn't stupid. He and Elladan had had a spat, it'd obviously gotten physical at some point judging by some comments Aragorn had made, and when Tira had been to see Dan on Saturday, she'd discussed the visit with Ro when she got back and something that he'd said upset the younger twin immensely, though I hadn't been able to get anything out of Tira. She seemed too…disturbed. I guess by Ro's reaction.

I just…I wish I knew _what_ was going on, that I could be let in on the loop so I could consider what I _could_ do to help, them and Elladan. But everyone was so tight-lipped about everything that had anything to do with Elladan, and I'd done all I could to distract myself from that, work, shopping, cooking—who even knew how many meals I'd made and stuck in the freezer for later use?

Now, Dan was to get out of jail at some time today, assuming the judge gave him bail, and Aragorn was the one on top of all of those details. He'd been gone for a couple of hours now and Ro had gotten…weird as the day progressed. And had outright _explosions_ with anything connected to Elladan. Finally, I'd had no choice but to ask him if he'd had any contact with his brother, anything to explain his odd behaviour.

I was getting the evasive answers routine, the answers without details.

I shook my head, helpless. "El…I don't know what happened, I don't know what was said. What I do know is that if it's eating you up, it's eating Elladan _alive_. Your brother loves you, El, he cares about you very much. What I don't understand is why—"

"What you _don't_ understand is that you're all very wrong!" he exploded. "_All_ of you."

I stepped back, surprised at his vehemence. Panic, strange, alien panic welled up in my chest, tightened my throat.

I didn't really know what I was feeling; vague sensations and sentiments that I couldn't assimilate, I just _felt_ them, felt that way. Torn up, divided, hurt. Held off and kept away, spurned. I suppose all these feelings made sense, considering how _Elladan_ had been treating me.

Still, I didn't really understand my intense reaction. I'd felt something like this Saturday morning, but I'd woken up depressed and I'd been focusing too much on Elladan from then on; now, I really wasn't sure what it was, other than the fact that the way Elrohir was treating me was not so dissimilar to Dan.

I turned away quickly, scrubbing at my face only to realise I was _crying_. I convulsed with a sob. Oh, no, no…not like this. _Why_ was this happening? I don't cry like this, not like this; then this had all happened and nothing was normal anymore.

Elrohir, too, seemed shocked at my reaction.

"Raina, I'm sorry." He hastened to apologise, sounding startled and distressed. "I—I didn't mean it, didn't mean to hurt you. Raina—Raina, sit." His worried hands were on my shoulders and he guided me to a chair, hovering, fussing over me and I held my hands up, warding him off as I sank down.

He sank to his knees in front of me, though, and through my tears, I saw the pain and remorse in his eyes as his gaze swept my face. He tried to pull me close, murmuring apologies, but I pushed weakly back against him, shaking my head. I didn't want him near.

"What did you _do_? Can't you just leave her alone, Elrohir? _Stop_ it." Another voice snapped.

Elrohir rounded on Trelan. "Stop? Stop _what_? For your information, O smart one, I was _trying_ to apologise."

"No, _Elrondion_, you are making things _worse_. Go away and leave her alone."

He came to his feet sharply, barking, "Fine!"

I was too emotionally shaken still to say anything, to intervene. Them fighting wasn't helping anything.

"You're always so damn keen on us answering for what we've done, making amends and all that. But _fine_." He stormed out, shoving Trelan out of his way, and Trelan sent him a look that said _good riddance_. I registered the front door opening and slamming shut as Trelan knelt in front of me, murmuring soothingly and pulling me into his arms.

I clung to him, a small part of myself wishing that none of this had ever happened, that part of me that was so tired of heartache and hurt and fighting; that had been tired of it for years. But slowly, I began to calm down, catching my breath and quietening.

"Trey? What happened?" Tira's confused voice sounded from the doorway.

I felt him shift and look over at her, then he said one word. "El."

"El…ladan? Or Elrohir?" she asked slowly. It seemed like an important distinction and one that, really, in my mind, could not be made.

"Elrohir." He answered.

I shook my head slightly and pushed back, swiping at my face. "Try both."

"What?" Tira asked.

"I said both."

"I heard that, but I meant…"

"Just both. I said both, I meant both. I can't explain it, but _both_."

"Well." Tira blew out a heavy breath. "They're just…they're _men_."

"Hey!" Trey protested.

"Hey what? _Male_, then. That make you happy? Geez. Dialectical, semantics…" She waved it off. "Either way, I swear if I didn't know better, I'd just say they're having their man-cycle or something. Hormonal lugs or some sort; at least then they could blame it all on unhappy little chemicals in their brains…oh, wait."

I shot her a small smile and she grinned. "See what I did there?" she asked Trelan. "I just called the twins unbalanced, emotional, PMSing louts. And without any backfire. That's the power of the O Blue One and the Sphere of Awesome."

"Don't _even_ bring up that stuff again." I saw Trey roll his eyes. "Ran still won't let me forget about it; every time we talk, he brings up her newest weirdness. I don't need more of it."

"And Ran _would_ know, wouldn't he." Tira twittered happily. "So what's taking him so long, anyway?" She suddenly asked.

Trelan frowned, coming to his feet, confusion spelled out on his face. "So long to what?"

"Duh, like you wouldn't know, being his best friend and all." She paused. "I'm the awesome O Blue One, I know these things, so spill."

"If you _know_ these things, what is there to spill?"

"Aw, come on. Can't you just give me the juicy details?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Oh, right. You're dudes. _Juicy_ wouldn't be the word you'd use. Scandalous?"

"I truly do not know what you are talking about."

She turned to me and sighed. "Why do I try?"

I shook my head. "Because you're incorrigible and it's too enticing to resist."

"Oh, yes. That would do it. At least somebody gets me. It's almost as good as Dan and his whole 'oh my God'—wait, elf— 'oh Valar, she is _the_ single most beautiful lady that I have ever had the privilege to lay eyes on; those _eyes_, that smile—I want her. Only I shall be very silly and pretend otherwise and admire her from somewhat—er, _very_ afar.'"

She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "But even that is no match for the pryingful power of the O Blue One. And if Dan is no match for that, well, then, Ran is a walk in the park."

Trelan snorted, but I shot her another smile. "Good luck with your quest, dear. Leave some of his dignity intact, will you?"

"Dignity, schmignity. He doesn't need any of that."

Another snort from Trelan and I noticed he'd inched towards the door. Tira suddenly rounded on him.

"And just where, eh, do you think you're going? You're sure trying to get out of here awful quick. What, does the sensitive, sensible Trelan have a secret crush?" She twittered the last two words.

Any trace of levity, even the embarrassed levity for his friend's sake, vanished from his face. "No."

"Oh, I think you do. And do you know what? I'll find out. I _always_ find out."

"You do that, little one, and I promise I won't laugh too much when you fail."

She just grinned and winked at me as he left with these parting words.

"Well, chicky." She sighed and came to sit across from me at the table. "I'm afraid it's not all banter and teasing Trelans today, unfortunately."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that there are Elladans out there that make those kinds of things have to take back burners and it makes me so not happy."

"Okay…" I answered slowly, not sure what she was getting at.

"Just this." She sighed again. "Your little problem elf, well. He ditched our resident king after he was released. Resident king was so not happy; Tira isn't either."

"Ditched him? Why?"

"Well, butter me bottom and call me a biscuit if I know." She shrugged. "Aragorn's POed, methinks. All that trouble, legal hoops and blah, all that bail. Then what does he do? So grateful, let me tell you. So grateful, in fact, he convinces Aragorn that he ought to fill the tank in your car, and he had to use the restroom anyway, and the silly ranger fell for that…and like, really…who falls for that? Any parent with teenagers doesn't, that's for sure."

"So now we're back to square one." I mumbled, shrugging. Truth be told, it aggravated me, but what could I do? I hadn't seen Dan since Friday, and he'd made it abundantly clear to Aragorn he did _not_ want to see me. So why not pull a stunt like this?

"Square one, maybe, but O Blue Ones are never without strategies."

"Strategies?"

"Oh, don't you worry about that. You go back and get your hair all purtied up and get yourself on out the door to the centre when Aragorn gets back, eh? No use being late over the idiot."

"I cancelled."

"Oh? Well, go anyway. Take the cookies you baked yesterday. Get out, be distracted for awhile. Dan's being rude enough he doesn't deserve so much of your time and energy focused solely on him, particularly when he's not even here to take that in. Hmph." She harrumphed and threw herself out of her chair, suddenly stomping out.

I sighed, getting up to do as instructed. I had nothing better to do, did I? I was supposed to be talking to Elladan when he got back, but who knew when that would be anymore?

Since when was it all the happy, pregnant couples at the pregnancy centre day? Since when was I awesome counsellor, get told all the gushing details? But seeing that tiny heartbeat flash away on the monitor and being enthused to by the excited mother about her wonderful man…well, normally it made me _happy_. Today, it made me want to cry for other reasons instead.

The tender way he looked at her, the out-and-out love on her face so readily returned in his gaze, murmuring the occasional word and opening doors for her, helping her and being there for her and just so…_loving_.

Baby bottles. I snorted wetly. I wasn't a sappy, sentimental girly girl pining away to be a mother, though of course I wanted to be one. It was…their interaction, their trust and love in each other. That no matter what, they were going to make this work.

And how old were they? He was barely twenty-three and she was pushing twenty-one. Elladan had _millennia_ on them, so what was his excuse?

I wasn't inclined to believe it was a very legitimate one anymore. If he wanted me to believe that, then he needed to prove it.

By lunchtime, I needed some time alone and I strolled down to the corner café, where we'd had lunch together a time or two.

This was where, after a difficult morning, he'd lent me an ear as I shared the burden I was carrying, and he'd told me he admired me for what I did for people, that even if I never felt like I made a difference, my work there meant something. No matter how many losses I thought I faced, no matter how many people I seemed unable to help, I was standing by what I believed and that was the only thing that mattered in the end. Then he'd kissed me and told me he hoped that someday, he could show me how special I really am.

Yes, this was really showing me, wasn't it?

I wanted to text him, wanted any contact with him I could get. After I ordered and sat back to wait, I was deliberating over texting him when I felt my phone vibrate in my hand, where I fiddled pensively with it.

_**If you could envision the meaning of a tragedy, you might be surprised to hear it's you and me**_

I frowned, blinking at the message. This was…peculiar. Unexpected. Why was he texting me?

_**I can't make it right, but I meant what I said**_

Said? Said _when_? I didn't know what he was talking about, what he meant. I set the phone down and pushed it away from me, then hugged myself, feeling so lonely.

A few minutes passed, then… _**Is it crazy that I know this can't work out, but I don't want you to ignore me? That it's for your own good you have to go on, yet I don't want you to cut me out of your heart, to forget me even though you must? It's selfish, I know it's selfish…and we can both call me crazy, but I can't stop feeling this way.**_

I didn't know how to answer that, didn't have any brilliant things to tell him. I sighed.

_**Why didn't you come home?**_

It was the only question I could articulate at the moment, but parting with it left me feeling so bereft.

_**Home would imply I belong there**_

I was taken aback at the reply, then finally shook my head and slammed the phone down, telling myself I didn't have to deal with this nonsense right now. I needed to _not_ be upset, so I could eat and function.

_**It's the kind of ending you don't really want to see, I know. But I won't use gentle words to shelter you**_

I nearly laughed bitterly at that. _**That's so very rich, Dan. And yet, isn't that exactly what you're doing? Sheltering me? Shielding me from something you're terrified I'll…what? Hate you for? Despise you for? It will so totally warp my view of you, I'll find you utterly repulsive? What?**_

_**I hate it when you get like this**_ he replied with instead.

_**What, direct?**_

_**No, upset. That prickly bite, like a bad rash; it makes me all itchy. It doesn't settle well**_

_**Oh, so sorry that the things you're saying upset me. Do you honestly want me to be a bit more callous and numb to it?**_

_**It would make things easier.**_

My jaw dropped. _**Are you serious?**_

_**Cold is the last thing I'd wish for you, Raina. Therein lies the problem. But hurting you? Hurting you is so much worse, and there's Tira's catch-22.**_

_**And who would it make things easier for, me or you? What IS this all about? Easing your conscience? I honestly don't know what to think anymore, Elladan.**_

_**You should think about forgetting me**_

Oh, the fruitcake. Seriously? Wasn't he just a few minutes ago claiming he didn't want me to forget him? I threw my gaze skyward, blinking back tears. I didn't understand his thinking, his reasoning. So all I could do was throw him another question.

_**And what's your excuse?**_

_**When you're the best thing I remember right now, it's all I've got to hold on to**_

I pinched my nasion, that is, the point right above the bridge of my nose. What was I supposed to say to that? All throughout this conversation, the only feeling behind his texts I could pick up on was a melancholy confusion.

Shouting distracted me, drawing my attention to a couple a few tables away. Since I'd come down early, to avoid the lunch rush, I was the only other person around to bear witness to the fight.

And when the man stormed away and the girl was blinking back tears, my throat closed up and I was standing up before I'd even thought about it. It wasn't my place, I knew it wasn't, but that wasn't stopping me. I felt timid and like I was about to make a fool of myself, but if I didn't say anything, I'd feel guilty and always be left to wonder…

"I don't think he really meant what he said," I told her quietly, trying to find a way to begin the conversation.

Her head snapped up and she looked at me, confused and shocked. After a moment, she overcame her startle and shrugged. "I don't care. I'll never forgive him, stupid jerk."

Hesitantly, I sat down. "Yes, you do." She looked confused. "You do care. Understandably, you're angry right now," I said slowly, my mind scrambling for words. _Thanks, Lord, really…what am I supposed to say to her? I know this is an opportunity, but I don't have any words!_

I couldn't even get through to _my_ problem. How could I help anyone else?

"But you do care. That's always difficult to acknowledge and admit to ourselves when we're angry. Anger is…overriding. It fills every thought, monitoring every action and reaction; makes us far less…clearheaded. That's all the more reason to focus on the truth."

"You don't know what you're talking about," she snapped but didn't move, which made me feel that if she really didn't want me talking to her she would leave; and since she wasn't, I wasn't giving up.

"Not to sound like I've got a big head, but I do. To a degree; to the most that another person can. I'm…going through a rough time right now, too, with the man I love," I admitted those personal details, hoping they'd help.

"Oh really?" She looked up, eyes rimmed in tears, looking all of her young years. How old was she? Eighteen? Eighteen and pregnant and terrified.

Like innocent children forgetting to take things slow, they'd rushed through everything with an impatience not befitting their years. Now, they'd have to learn to grow up along the way.

I sighed, brushing those thoughts aside for later perusal. "Yes, I am. And I…struggle with the same bitter feelings towards him, anger and hurt and not realising the truth." I took a deep breath. "If I had the chance, though, I would continue reaching out to him." My gaze flickered over the street, the cars and the asphalt, the shop fronts, the elf…wait, elf? I glanced back, but the tall, dark-haired familiar form I seemed to have glimpsed had vanished.

I shook my head. "As it is, he's gone, and I can't. But if he _were_ here, I'd be trying to do what I could to make up with him. It's complicated and very different from your situation, obviously, but that doesn't change that it's hard for both of us." I fought back a wave of emotion, unable to think of anything but _God, I miss you, Elladan_. "I didn't intend to eavesdrop, but I say again, I don't really think he meant what he said."

She looked down and I saw her swallow. Her midnight blue eyes were conflicted as she ran her fingers through her cropped, straight brown hair, passing her fingers over the wispy bangs falling across her forehead. I incongruently noted that she seemed vaguely familiar as she took a shaky breath.

"Look, we all say things that we don't really, _really_ mean when we're angry. I'm going to sound like a broken record, but you two do just need to calmly talk it out. Remember that love is what's important, have patience with the other; calm and rational, not pushy or rude, or snide or sarcastic, but remember that you're both acting out of love, even if the…other doesn't seem to handle it as such at times. See, often we reach out in love, then screw up and end up hitting the other instead." I tried to give a picture of what I meant, but I hid a wince at what I came up with.

She latched on to the metaphor. "I see your point. I really don't know why you'd choose to come over here and talk to me, but I'm glad you did."

I nodded. "I wanted to show you love." I gave her a smile. She didn't understand my words fully, I know, but there was no more to be said; the rest was in His hands, and I didn't need to worry about explanations.

I stood up and bid her a good afternoon, knowing that I needed to get back now. I picked up my leftover food to head inside for a take-home box. As I rounded the plant-containers by the door, that held those tall, leafy bushes, I pulled up short; the plants were tall enough I didn't see around them, so I nearly ran right into the girl's boyfriend.

I started slightly, furrowing my brow; he was watching me with a look I didn't quite know about.

"Did you mean what you said?"

"Sorry?" I asked, confused.

"Did you mean what you told Jamie?"

Ah. "Every word," I told him, a little confused as to where this was going.

"Thank you." Unexpectedly, his face softened into a smile. "I would've done something stupid, but I overheard what you were saying and suddenly…my anger didn't seem so important." He looked a trifle uncomfortable with being so direct, but he apparently felt the honesty was important enough.

I flashed him a smile. "As I hope she realised, too. Life's tough," I shrugged, "but it's _life_, and that's a miracle in and of itself. Most of the time, anyway, the injustice we feel is just perceived, and mistakenly at that. That's why we need to opt for hearing each other out, speaking heart to heart, because more often than not, all the misunderstandings are just us being clumsy when we reach out in love. We make a wrong move, but it wasn't intentional. See, that's what _matters_. Motives need to be seen in truth, not only in our heads with our biased perspectives, as those are bent towards us, not the other. We need to see the other's heart not through _our_ eyes, but through theirs."

Whew. I don't know if I said all that correctly. That was…a mouthful. To a total stranger.

He nodded, some sort of tension visibly easing out of him. "I can't thank you enough. We're both…upset, we would've done something stupid."

"You're both _reacting_, and that's understandable. It doesn't help to lose one's head, though."

Again, he nodded. Then parted with another thank-you.

I offered, "You're welcome," and shifted out of his way as he walked past, but I couldn't help peeking around the plants as he went back to make amends. She beat him to it, though, jumping to her feet and reaching out for him.

"Peter, I'm sorry," she was exclaiming with heartfelt sincerity as she hugged him tightly.

I turned away, glad for them, but my heart still sinking. All I could think of was Elladan and that constant murmuring mantra of _what do I do?_ How had I been able to somehow help them and yet I couldn't do squat about my own problems?

I wrinkled my nose and blew out a heavy breath, willing myself not to cry. I desperately wanted to hold Elladan, as Jamie could the man she loved. I wanted reparation and him back.

_**Why is it others can figure out how to make things work, but you won't even try?**_

I shook my head. Perhaps I had too many questions, but it wouldn't be that way if he would just give me some clear, helpful answers. Not all this nonsense about nothing could be made right, I needed to forget him, this couldn't work, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

_**It's not a matter of making it work.**_

_**Then what *is* it?**_

_**Why are you so persistent about this?**_

_**Have you ever known me to give up? I have a lot of questions and I want answers.**_

_**I've known you to respect boundaries. Complicated questions rarely have answers worth hearing.**_

It felt like he was saying his answers had no worth, that my questions therefore had no worth. And if my questions, in his mind, were worthless, then was he saying I, too, was worthless? Or was I assigning more to this than he meant?

_**So what are you saying? That you want me to back off?**_

_**I don't know what I want.**_

_**I think you do, but whatever it is, it scares you.**_

_**You.**_

_**Me what? **_I was understandably confused. I stared at my phone, willing it to vibrate.

Looking up, my hand holding my phone falling to my side, I glanced around thinking possibly I might see…I don't know. Hoping, maybe, wishing…

"It's not an it that scares me." The quiet, so quiet words almost…slipped into my conscious being. I didn't turn immediately, in case I was imagining it. "It is actually…you."

I did turn then, taking a deep breath. He was there, looking so…alone. Frightened. Unsure. And yet, deep within there was that fire, the fire I remembered reading about, the love for life and family that had made _me_ fall in love with _him_.

"I scare you?"

"Yes. You…your…your caring…just…everything."

"But _why_?" I whispered.

He sighed, looking over my head.

I frowned. "I don't like it when you do that." He looked back at me, brows furrowing. "It feels like you're…trying to come up with a smoke screen."

It was hard to judge his reaction, but the gears were definitely turning in there. "You think I'd lie to you?"

I shoved my hands into my pockets, choosing my words deliberately. "Well…you haven't exactly been honest with me, have you?"

"I haven't been forthcoming. I've never not been honest."

"I, personally, fail to see the difference. By the way, I've figured it out." My wonderful, pushy, best friend wiggled between us. I hadn't even seen her coming...and right now, I wanted her anywhere else but here, because Elladan was _talking_ to me.

"Figured what out?" I asked carefully, noting Elladan's quick little hop-skip backwards.

"What?" She turned to face me, having been watching Elladan over her shoulder for whatever bizarre reason she did anything. "Oh, Trey's crush, of course. It was easy, once I thought about it. And called Alyssa."

He caught my gaze over Tira's shoulder suddenly. I wasn't sure what I saw in his eyes…helplessness? Apology? Oh snap, he wasn't going to bolt, was he? I shot him a look, warning him against that, but I swore I saw him inch back a little more.

"Well I fail to see how Trelan's crush or not has anything to do with, well, anything at the moment." I answered Tira, trying really hard not to snap, and willing Dan to not pull that stupid stunt again…

"You know, I wouldn't go anywhere if I were you." Tira said suddenly. She was _looking _at me, but I had the feeling she wasn't _speaking_ to me. "By the way, Trelan's crush doesn't have anything to do with, well, anything, but I needed an excuse to come over here."

"Why?"

"Because he was about to bolt. And that means stop inching backwards, elf."

I had to admit I was impressed that she knew he was moving at all, since she wasn't looking behind her and he was being very quiet. But then, she often knows things.

She gestured at me. "See that carefully collected face she's making? You seriously do not want to see her POed. Personally, I think I'd pay to see her go Def-Con 1 on your reticent ass."

I looked back at him.

He was drilling a not-so-nice hole into the back of her head. "And personally, I think I'd give just about anything for you to stop sticking your nose into our business."

"Anything?" She got that gleam in her eye, the one like a predator when the trap snaps shut. She glanced over her shoulder at him. "You can start with your secrets."

His eyes narrowed even more. "I said just about."

"And see now, that's not being honest."

Elladan took a very deliberate breath. "There was no deception in my words, Tira."

He was obviously upset. Tira was obviously in the mood for a good chewing out. I didn't have time to wait for them to hash things out.

I shrugged and tossed my hands out. "And this is getting us somewhere, I'm sure." I shook my head, turning away. "I've got to go."

"Damn it, Tira," I heard Elladan growl at her.

"Not my fault you ditched the King, which meant ditching her by way of, and so you've landed your own butt in this."

"Are you _following_ me?" I heard him hiss in outrage at her as I slowly stepped away. I was…hoping, I suppose, that he would stop being so pissy at her and come after me, to finish telling me what he was saying.

"Not as such." Typical Tira answer.

I sighed and sped up. He was going to get into it with Tira, which was his way, sort of, of brushing me off yet again. Fighting with her was easier than talking to me. Just as I reached the door and went to grab the handle, the slightest touch made me look up. His reflection was there, behind my own.

"Please, Raina…"

"What? What do you want from me?"

"What do _you_ want from _me_?" He asked back.

"I just want the truth, Elladan. All of it, no matter how dark or disturbing."

"I've told you the truth."

"No, you've told me bits and pieces of the truth. Or what I suppose might be the truth. I can't tell, because neither you nor your brother are exactly vocal."

His face hardened imperceptibly. "My…brother…has said far too much as it is."

"Too much is not enough, Elladan." I replied sadly. "I can't help you if you won't help yourself. I can see you're hurting, but it's like you're an exhibit or something, behind a glass wall or in a cage…I can't get to you."

"The only cage I am in is the one you all insist on putting me in. I…will not…be caged…again!" He was trying to hide his increasingly topsy-turvy emotions.

"What do you mean again, and who is putting you in a cage? Elladan?"

He was struggling with something, whatever answers he was debating playing over his face. "She…you…he…all of you! All of you! And…and…it doesn't _matter_. None of it matters, not anymore. I can't…I just…_leave me alone!_"

I felt my heart just crumbling as he ran. I didn't look to see if Tira was still there, if she'd heard anything, just turned back to the door and went in.


	30. 30 Elladan

Conversations

Chapter 30 - Elladan

Why do I hurt myself this way? I know I make it so much worse with every second I spend near her, watching her. I need to _leave_, but nothing has ever been harder…nothing except that time, that room I never want to revisit but I continue to in my mind nonetheless. I didn't think it could get harder, but every time…

Every time I show how yellow I truly am, every time I desert her once more, I feel ever more worthless and undeserving of her love. Why does she want me? I am no one, nothing, and most certainly not deserving of a girl like her.

I can feel her hurt every time I leave, each dawn that I've escaped with, each time it's ground home to her that I'm not really there holding her, and it crushes me.

I know that my leaving means that neither of us will ever have any closure, but I can't stay. So why can't we just leave the other alone?

It's not really her fault, I suppose. I'm the one who can't seem to sever our ties. I'm the one who keeps contacting her, following her, clinging to her, this connection, despite the pain it causes me…causes us both.

I am the one who keeps coming to her, like today, like yesterday, like I did the moment I came back here last year. Like I did all those years ago, in Imladris. If anyone's to blame for not moving on, it's me.

But that changes nothing, and I lingered over long in Raina's presence this morning despite it. She almost woke up before I made my escape; she was pretty much on the verge of opening her eyes and seeing me, yet I could not tear my unworthy self from her side. Instead, I daringly placed a hand to her soft cheek. I brushed my fingers across her jaw line, revelling in the softness of her skin, her scent, just _her_.

"Oh, Raina." I sighed.

Even now, crouched beneath her window like some voyeur, I can hear her crying and it breaks my already broken heart anew. I hurt her again, even after I promised. I left her so I wouldn't hurt her, but it seems to be another thing I fail at, like love.

Placing my head in my hands, I wept silently. Though first in my heart, I know Raina is not the only one I am hurting. My brothers, Elrohir particularly; my friends; even my parents; they, too, are in pain. I know Tira hurts just watching her gwathel fade so, and perhaps this is why we keep having confrontations.

I knew I had to move, to disappear to my usual hiding place until the night once more claimed the world and I could be with Raina physically again, though she only realised my presence on a subconscious level. For me, this was enough, for our souls call to each other.

If I could make her see that, she would realise that I am never truly gone from her, but in a way I understand why she weeps for me. I do not understand the reasons she wants me, but I do get why she believes I am gone, even as I push her away _and_ refuse to leave her alone. It is only when she is unguarded, such as in sleep, I've learned, that she can feel the connection we have. In her waking moments, she unconsciously blocks me.

"I cannot believe it. No, I _can_ believe it. I just don't know whether I should slap you for being an idiot and drag you inside or hug you and turn away."

The voice made me look up, startled. Upon seeing that face, I groaned and lowered my head back down, allowing my hair to obscure my face. He was one of the last people I wanted to see right now, and the anger and hurt from our last encounter still burned hotly inside.

"What are you doing awake so early?" I whispered, because anything more than that would've come out a yell and I couldn't face Raina.

"I was out running." Came the simple answer. "Do I dare ask why you are sitting here outside Raina's room?"

I gave a sharp look. "Nothing immoral. I swear I don't know where you get off insulting my honour."

"There's nothing honourable in how you're treating her."

"And just what am I doing that's so wrong? I'm protecting her."

"No, _I_ am protecting her, _you_ are hurting her."

"It's better this way. The damage is minimal."

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

I clenched my fists. "Damn it all, Trelan; less damage to _her_. I'm doing this for _her_."

"Because what, you think your shadows will taint her soul?"

"Won't they?" I snarled, but tried to keep my temper in check. "They'll devour her, ruin the innocence she's fought so hard to have."

"There's where your thinking is flawed, Elladan. And you can't honestly tell me there's no part of your decisions based on fear, a sense of self-preservation."

I refused to answer that, mostly because I wasn't sure how to really take a hard look at that and confess to myself the truth, whatever it may be.

Finally, he broke our stalemate. "So, care to tell me what you're doing here?"

"The usual." I shot back sarcastically. I looked away, towards the rising sun. "Torturing my soul even more."

"Are you any closer to self-discovery?"

"No."

"We can help. But you need to let us."

"No one can help me!" I exploded. "I am a fool for falling in love! I wish…I wish I had never met her!"

I realised too late that I was shouting and that I'd come to my feet, but the look I received was so cold, it felt like I was encased in a block of ice.

"Never. Say. That. Again."

"I did not mean it in a bad way." I tried to take the words back, but they'd been said, heard and witnessed.

There was fury in his eyes, but he kept a tight reign on his emotions. And as I shifted away from the window, I knew why.

"Elladan," a sigh. The restraint was obvious. "I know how you meant it. The point is, you don't understand…"

"What?"

"Never mind. Just…go. But I will be finding you later, because we need to talk."

I did not answer. Instead I did what I do best and ran away. I am a coward.

Once I was out of sight of the house I stopped. I didn't want to go back to my hiding spot, but I didn't really have anywhere else to go. Looking around, I saw a very familiar figure coming down the sidewalk and did _not_ want last weekend coming back to haunt me in full colour 3-D, so I turned around and walked quickly back, but bypassed Raina's house.

I had to go somewhere…

_Elladan._

I froze.

_Elladan._

It'd been years since I'd been communicated with this way, but that wasn't the last voice I'd heard this way…

_Ada?_

_Come. _It was the only answer I got, but that was understandable. These connections weren't easy to maintain, though it'd always been much easier between Elrohir and I…

I pushed thoughts of that distant past out of mind. What did any of it matter now?

I didn't waste energy trying to answer or question him. Besides, the connection had already faded out.

I didn't mind my father contacting me this way, per se. But there was something about it—alright, a _lot_ about it -too much I didn't, couldn't face- that did not settle well with me. When had I let that weakness into my mental shields? But no…I wasn't lax, he'd had to fight to get that much through. Little wonder how brief it had been.

It wasn't easy to think that one of the main factors in the brevity of the conversation had been how quickly I'd forced my father back out of my mind without even thinking about it.

It was just…the last intimate conversation I'd had mentally had been with Elrohir, far too many years than I cared to count between then and today, and it was little more than an empty memory now.

I shook those thoughts off and tried to focus on figuring out what Ada could want, but I was no closer to answers when I arrived and found him in the sitting room with Nana and Glorfindel, talking over tea.

I'd let myself in, but I didn't even have a chance to announce myself before Nana spotted me.

"Ah! Come to tell us you've finally done it?"

Two more pairs of eyes focused on me. I paused, confused. "Done what?"

"Asked the girl you're sweet on to marry you."

My jaw slackened, my palms got sweaty, and my heart started racing. Oh. Oh no… "What?" To say I was flustered would be an understatement.

"Well, time waits for no man, whether he's an elf or not. Really, dear, marry the girl already."

"I…I…" Why was everyone bringing that up recently? My decisions were exactly that: _mine_.

"What is it, Elrond, with our sons and being skittish about marriage? You love the girl, don't you?" She turned back to me.

"Well, I…yes, of course, I do…it's just…"

"Just what?" Glorfindel interjected. "I may be unmarried, but even I can see the logistics of it."

"It's not a matter of _logic_." I protested.

"It's a matter of the heart." Naneth agreed. "And really, Elladan, I'd like to see you settle down, have some children."

"Ch…ch…but…" I couldn't even say the word…didn't want to think it, either. Ch…ki…young people? My young people? I stared at my parents.

"Don't fear, young one, the word won't make you explode." Glorfindel tossed a sugar cube at me. "_Children_."

Images of a pregnant Raina unexpectedly filled my mind. Everything suddenly felt a bit hazy.

"Can't you just see it, Celebrian, Elladan holding his firstborn child for the first time. There's nothing like holding your firstborn." My father sighed in what could only be described as reminiscent.

My heart rate had exploded even more and there was a rushing in my ears. The next thing I knew was an ache in my head and a wash of voices that were slowly becoming less disjointed to me.

"That's got to hurt." Only Glorfindel could strike that deadpan tone.

"You really must not be so cruel, you two." Ha! Ada wasn't innocent.

"Cruel?" And that would be Naneth, incredulous. "Cruel is how long he's taking!"

Wait…did I faint? Oh Valar.

I blinked and had three faces come into focus above me. None looked particularly worried, and Glorfindel looked beyond amused. Naneth quirked a brow.

"So? What's taking you so long? Haven't you made the poor girl wait long enough? Now, give my mother's heart some satisfaction; that is, of seeing my son wed and fathering."

That dreaded topic again. When had she gotten so diabolical?

"And she's definitely not getting any younger."

I frowned up at Glorfindel, before starting to get up as I finally found my voice. "She's only _nineteen_."

"And?" The infuriating elder asked. "From what little I've gleaned via stories and outright asking those _females_, nineteen is a perfectly valid age for marriage and childbearing"

I thought about this for a minute, trying to work out a valid argument. "Um...I'm not ready for marriage?" I lamely attempted.

"Dearest, you've been 'not ready' for far too long. A few millennia, in fact." Mother pursed her lips in a semi-pout.

I sighed at her bringing up this ages-old argument. She had even been trying to find me (and Ro) 'nice girls' _before_ the incident with the orcs. Were all mothers this meddlesome?

"Ada," I beseeched. Surely he hadn't called me here just to endure another round of marriage-prompting, only focused specifically on Raina…and Valar, I needed those images _out_ of my head.

Father held up his hands. "I am not involved, son. Your mother is dead set on seeing you and your brother married, and I just want her to be happy."

Not so subtly saying, then, that since my marrying would make her happy, then that's what I needed to do. Gee, thanks Ada.

I scowled at him. "Is that really what you called me here for?"

"No." He replied, his face hardening slightly even as his eyes became sad.

That was never a good mix on my father's face, and it left little room for any possibility of it being a pleasant subject he had brought me here for. Wanting to curse myself for coming here in the first place, I prayed for small mercies. "Whatever it is, can we discuss it alone?"

I was greatly relieved when his expression softened slightly. "Of course."

But as we turned to go, Naneth stopped us. "Elladan."

I closed my eyes briefly and took a deep breath before turning back around.

"I won't stop you." She assured.

Then, coming over, she hugged me and I returned it with an unexpected ardency, suddenly remembering how often it felt as though I'd never have this again. That was, as some may consider it, a long time ago, but the memories were crystal and often anymore, it was all I could do to not physically relive any that came to mind.

"We were teasing you," she whispered to me, "and none of us would dream of pressuring into something you're not ready for, but Elladan…" She pulled back and pierced me with a serious look, voice pitched so only I could catch her words. "She shouldn't be forced to wait indefinitely while you treat time as an elf, because one day you'll find it's taken its toll on her. It's not fair to both of you."

It'd been five and a half minutes; five and a half minutes of walking, waiting, and silence. I dreaded whatever he was going to say, I really did, but I'd rather have it over with than stand this infernal put off. I itched with agitation, the indefiniteness crawling all over me.

"What is it you wanted?" I finally snapped.

Ada did not, at first, respond. He slowly clasped his hands behind his back and walked on in silence another few feet before _finally_ saying anything. "Your impatience has ever been the chink in your armor, Elladan."

I scowled, but tried to reign in said weakness. "Somehow I don't think that's what you summoned me for."

"In a manner of speaking, it could very well be."

"And what does that mean?"

"Precisely what it sounds like it does."

"Has that old wizard been around recently?"

I was surprised to hear a soft chuckle at my serious question. "That is irrelevant, son."

I glowered at the ground and very deliberately clasped my own hands behind my back, trying to temper my mood.

I heard him sigh. "What has you on edge, Elladan?"

"You do." I answered automatically.

"The truth, son. Impertinent answers will not protect you."

My scowl deepened and I kicked a rock out of my path. "Elrohir does," I finally admitted.

"What about your brother?"

"I don't want to talk about him."

"You have to talk sooner or later, Elladan."

"Then I'll talk about him later."

"Always to tomorrow what is today's," Ada murmured shrewdly.

I growled softly. "Maybe tomorrow will be better than today."

"It is what you make it."

I stopped and threw up my hands. "Is this going anywhere? If you want to talk, then talk, but can we please stop going over the things I already know?"

Ada shook his head. "Why don't you tell me what you do know, Elladan, because you seem to need reminding that you know better than to treat those you love the way you are."

"Is this about El?" How did he _know_ we'd been fighting? "I said I don't want to talk about him."

"Then we will speak of Raina, the other prominent reason I called you here, and the other you're treating dishonourably."

"I have done nothing to harm her or her honour!" I protested.

Ada levelled me with an indiecipherable look. "Perhaps you have not harmed her physically, not laid hand upon her, but you _have_ harmed her. You hurt her by professing love then withdrawing. You hurt her by fighting against what is inevitable."

In the back of my mind, a small voice I didn't want to acknowledge piped up, informing me that my actions were little better than…hers. Only… "I fail to see what you mean by _inevitable_."

He sighed, but evidently decided not to explain himself. Ada could be cryptic like that on occasion and it always bothered me. "Sometimes, Elladan, you don't get what you want, you get what you need. It is a blessing that should be treasured all the more when you also want what you've been given."

I assumed, then, that what, or rather, who he was referring to was Raina. But I couldn't have her, couldn't touch that beauty. Irmo, I'd… "I'll taint her."

"And in what way do you believe you will taint her?"

Nobody got it, did they? "_You_ should get it, Ada. You know. You've been there."

He remained silent at first, turning away. I stared at his back, waiting, but I feared that I would get no succour from this conversation, that I'd only be left feeling just as unsettled as before.

"If you refer to the fear that the darkness you carry inside will bleed into the soul of the one you love, you are correct. And so is that fear." He said quietly.

I winced, my heart jolting and my gut tightening at the confirmation.

Ada sighed. "But what you do not know, El, is that the only harm that comes is to the darkness itself." He turned and looked at me. "Her soul can only lighten the burden, fight the darkness and heal from it, and yours hers."

Could I do that? Even now, I could sense the depth of her past, and the breadth of all that unknown terrified me. I knew enough of her history to know that whatever was hiding in the unfamiliar shadows was dark indeed.

I was strong enough to weather mine. I had to be. But she has faced too much...and though I was able to survive _my_ darkness, would I be able to survive hers on top of it?

No, I couldn't share mine with her, for the same reason I cannot with El.


End file.
